comes a movie adaptation for teenage girls who aren't smart enough for The Hunger

源自超糟的一本小說

Games.

史上最白爛的小說家之一

You'll be on the edge of your seat as voice-over describes everything.

專為笨到看不懂饑餓遊戲的青少女們所改編.

"I would miss my harebrained mother."

你將會聽到旁白不斷的敘述很多事

"I used to spend two weeks there almost every summer."

我會想念我輕率的母親...

"My first day at a new school."

我每年夏天會花2週住在那...

Kind of like a book, actually.

我第一天上學時...

"My dad's Charlie."

其、其實跟一般書沒啥兩樣.囧

This catatonic teenager will fall for the world's gayest vampire.

我爸查理他...（繼續講）

A film that teaches young girls that the only thing that matters is finding a man...

這位精神分裂的少女～

a 100 year old man.

將會愛上史上最一臉GAY樣（重音）的吸血鬼

"So, how long have you been like this?"

這部電影將重點在這位少女

"Since 1918."

努力追求這位100歲的男人

But don't worry, it's not pedophilia because he looks 17.

你這樣多久了？ 從1918年開始.

Together, they will have the romance of a lifetime

但別擔心,這不算是戀童癖

expressed entirely in stares.

因為他看起來像17歲.

[dramatic music]

他們在一起會有許多浪漫時光

And even more stares.

並且花大半天互相注視

[dramatic music]

以及更多的注視

A love challenged by the fact that he might accidentally f*ck her to death,

他們愛情充滿考驗, 而且他不小心會把她X死

this special effect,

戀愛影響到她的行為,以及可憐的蕃茄醬

and her inability to pour ketchup.

這位思春少女清醒時,每分每秒都在享受戀愛滋味

A film that conditioned a generation of girls to think that love is keeping tabs on

你在跟蹤我嗎？

each other every waking moment.

我想要保護妳

"Did you follow me?"

即使在沒清醒時

"I feel protective of you."

我喜歡看妳睡覺

And even non-waking moments.

你常這樣嗎？

"I like watching you sleep."

就這幾個月啦

"Do you do that a lot?"

呃~我知道很詭異,但電影真的很浪漫,我保證

"Just the past couple of months."

演出人員

I know this looks creepy, but it's really romantic in the movie.

香草

I promise.

扁平臉

Starring...

特洛依波拉馬陸（知名足球選手）

Vanilla

暮光之城,一部禁慾的片. 真的,快去看.

Shovel Face

and Troy Polamalu.

Twilight: it's just a metaphor for abstinence.

Seriously, look it up.

Get ready for an hour and a half of people standing in semi-circles,

council meetings,

different council meetings,

and sitting

just to get to 5 minutes of cool stuff.