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  • FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE SEQUENCING THE

  • ENDLESS STRINGS OF NEWS-D.N.A.

  • AND COMBINING TOPICAL GENOMES TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER THE DAY'S

  • STORIES INTO THE SUPER-HUMAN TEST TUBE BABY THAT IS MY

  • MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO BREAK INTO THE LOCAL

  • MORGUE, COLLECT A FEW CADAVER LIMBS, AND GRAB A BAG OF HORSE

  • ORGANS, THEN STITCH 'EM TOGETHER TO REANIMATE THE AFFRONT TO GOD

  • AND MAN THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • >> MEANWHILE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE PENICILLIN TO THE

  • FEVER OF A NATION.

  • MEANWHILE, THE U.S. FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION WARNED THE

  • MAKER OF PURELL TO STOP CLAIMING THAT ITS HAND SANITIZERS CAN

  • HELP GUARD AGAINST EBOLA, NOROVIRUS, THE FLU, AND OTHER

  • MALADIES.

  • WHAT?

  • THAT'S TERRIBLE NEWS!

  • I KEEP HAND SANITIZER HERE ALL THE TIME.

  • YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I'VE BEEN DOING SHOTS OF THIS EVERY NIGHT

  • FOR NOTHING?!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN A STERNAL WORDED LETTER, THE

  • F.D.A. WROTE, "AS OF TODAY, WE ARE NOT AWARE OF ANY HAND

  • SANITIZERS THAT HAVE BEEN TESTED AGAINST EBOLA VIRUSES, INCLUDING

  • PURELL.

  • AND EVEN IF HAND SANITIZER WAS EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE SPREAD OF

  • EBOLA, GOOD LUCK GETTING THOSE MONKEYS TO USE IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • MEANWHILE-- HOLD STILL!

  • MEANWHILE, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, WHEN THE NEXT BATCH

  • OF APPROVED EMOJIS IS ANNOUNCED BY THE GLOBAL RULING EMOJI BODY,

  • THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM.

  • WE ARE THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM, MR. BOND.

  • NEXT FALL'S NEW EMOJIS WILL INCLUDE, AMONG OTHERS, THE

  • ITALIAN HAND GESTURE OF PINCHED FINGERS, SMILEY FACE WITH

  • GROUCHO GLASSES, A FONDUE POT, AND EVEN "DIVERSE OPTIONS" FOR

  • "NINJAS."

  • FINALLY!

  • I AM SO TIRED OF HAVING TO TYPE OUT EACH WORD EVERY TIME I NEED

  • TO TEXT: "MAMMA MIA!

  • GROUCHO MARX IS A-HAVING-A FONDUE WIT-A PANRACIAL-A NINJA!"

  • MARONE!

  • ALTHOUGH, I DO HAVE ONE QUIBBLE.

  • FOR SOME REASON, THE CONSORTIUM HAS DECIDED TO CALL THIS EMOJI

  • "DISGUISED FACE."

  • DISGUISED FACE?

  • THAT IS GROUCHO MARX!

  • EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

  • THAT'S LIKE MAKING AN EMOJI OF JIGSAW AND CALLING IT "PUZZLE

  • FRIEND."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE PHILADELPHIA

  • FLYERS' MASCOT, GRITTY, HAS BEEN CLEARED OF AN ASSAULT

  • ALLEGATION.

  • THIS IS TRULY HISTORIC.

  • IT IS THE FIRST PHILADELPHIA SPORTS FAN TO BE ACQUITTED OF

  • ASSAULT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • MEANWHILE, WE HAVE A FEW FOOD-RELATED STORIES TONIGHT,

  • WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR LONG-RUNNING, BRAND-NEW

  • "MEANWHILE" SUBSEGMENT: "CUISINE-WHILE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CUISINE-WHILE, K.F.C. IS NOW

  • SELLING VEGAN CHICKEN NUGGETS, CALLED "BEYOND FRIED CHICKEN,"

  • MADE IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE COMPANY "BEYOND MEAT."

  • FOR A COMPANY WHO CLAIMS THEY'RE "BEYOND MEAT," THEY SURE SPEND A

  • LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW TO REPLACE MEAT.

  • "YOU GUYS, I'M TOTALLY OVER STACEY.

  • I NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT STACY ANYMORE.

  • THIS IS MY NEW GIRLFRIEND: "BEYOND STACEY."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) CUISINE-WHILE, DUNKIN' HAS

  • RELEASED A FRANK'S RED-HOT JELLY DOUGHNUT.

  • NOW, HOLD ON.

  • THEY'RE ONLY AVAILABLE IN MIAMI, BUT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN AT

  • HOME.

  • ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUY A REGULAR GLAZED DOUGHNUT, SQUIRT

  • SOME HOT SAUCE ON IT, THEN LOOK INTO THE MIRROR TO DISCOVER THE

  • MONSTER YOU HAVE BECOME.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JIM CARREY.

FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE SEQUENCING THE

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B2 中高級

同時...勇者被免於攻擊指控 (Meanwhile... Gritty Is Cleared Of Assault Charge)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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