One and all to a late show.

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

It's good to be back.

What have I missed Anything?

Anything big.

I am coming to you from the Late Show's new temporary set.

The historic Ed Sullivan.

My house.

Why did I wish to be home or on that cursed monkeys?

Paul?

Plus, now I've gotta wash the monkey's paw for 20 seconds with cursed soap.

Now, you may have noticed that even though I am a home and we're in casual circumstances, I am wearing a suit, right?

I'm doing that for two reasons.

Uh a, uh, give me a sense that I am at a job.

And B I do not have a physique that lends itself to casual clothing.

I just learned to anything to make things seem somewhat normal.

That's where I'm wearing full makeup, and I shaved my legs.

Uh, I got my family Help me out here.

Uh, my son is over here a cz my tech in my cameraman Right over here.

You want to put your hand in front of the camera there?

Say hi.

There they go.

Round that corner one more time, a little higher and higher in that.

There you go.

And then my daughter did my makeup tonight.

I think like it looked rather nice.

Hello.

Huh?

You like?

Please tweet your responses.

Also, let me know if you want me to keep wearing a suit or if you want me to dress more casually and shows to come.

All right, hashtag suit or no suit, we're all adjusting.

For instance, I've taken to washing my hands so much they're turning to dust.

That, of course, have to moisturize thumb.

So I spent a lot of my time doing this, which looks evil, but it's not.

Oh, no, we're just doing our part to flatten the curve.

It's the only way to stop the virus.

Seriously, wash your hands.

Some positives have come from this.

Self isolation has turned this into a golden age for pets.

In fact, my dog Benny is so happy I'm around.

He actually follows my commands.

When you go for a walk, he actually heals the whole time I thought I had a bad dog.

It turns out I'm just a terrible owner.

Hey, what's up?

What did you come here?

Come here.

Who's a bad owner?

I am Yes, I'm a terrible owner.

Look, No, Look what He's so well trained now.

He's so well trained.

Now we're We're really communing.

We've got a lot more in common.

Okay, Bye.

Bye bye.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

He's not gonna leave, though.

He's just gonna way have a lot in common now.

We both eat our food out of cans, and we're both learning to stay.

I also freak out when I see a squirrel outside the window.

No, don't you on the electrical?

No.

You know, it's not their fault.

There you go.

Okay.

So I don't weigh still blocked broadcasting.

Are we still good?

We should.

So Okay, there we go.

This is going very smoothly.

I could tell this is perfectly sustainable.

Thank you.

Now, I know a lot of you out.

There are stress because we're all in isolation and no one knows how long this is gonna last.

But I have a simple message for all of you America.

You got this?

You have been training for this moment your whole lives.

Every cancel plan.

Every 2 a.m. Netflix binge.

Every grubhub order from the restaurant across the street.

It was for this.

Where?

Americans?

There's nothing we do better than not doing things.

Yes, where the country You put a man on the moon?

Yes, but we're also the country where 125 million of us stayed at home to watch it on TV.

Remember, like the old motto says United, we stand divided.

New York's hospitals are already stretched thin, which is why yesterday, and it is shocking to see the city began setting up a field hospital for Corona virus patients in Central Park.

The Central Park Hospital is just like a regular hospital, except after your doctor treats you.

You really should put a dollar in his guitar case.

It's just nice.

Of course, this is a tough time for New York's doctors, nurses and medical technicians and the maintenance staff.

They're working in human hours under terrible conditions to save our lives.

So every night at 7 p.m. To show their appreciation, New Yorkers have done this.

That is beautiful.

I have never been more moved by applause that wasn't for me.

Plus, all over the country, medical schools are graduating.

They're seniors one month early so they could join the front lines.

And in New York, 76,000 health care workers, many of them retired, volunteered to help with the crisis.

And these people are older and more risk, so they're putting their lives on the line for others.

So let me be the first to say OK, Boomer today, help arrived in the form of the Navy hospital ship, the USNS Comfort, named, of course, for Civil War.

General Ezekiel T.

Comfort.

Here's the ship passing the Statue of Liberty, steering clear of Lady Liberty, which is good because she's looking pretty green.

Then the ship steamed up the Hudson River and docked somewhere.

Ride around here is an incredibly moving sight, one that none of us ever thought we'd see.

A ship that's normally deployed to a war torn areas urgently rushing to our nation's largest city.

And yes, it does look like something out of World War two.

But whatever you do, don't go kiss a nurse.

They're really busy, and they have to stay sterile.

Now.

The comforts arrival is great news for New York City and also for me, because it's finally giving me the opportunity to pitch my sexy maritime hospital drama Captain Dr m d Hello.

I'm Captain Dr M.

D.

I'm here to fix your heart with my surgeon hands and then break it with my dark, smoldering eyes.

Come aboard my hospital boat to meet my sexy team of intern slash sailors slash lovers.

Because on my ship, we put the ho in land ho.

Remember, if this hospital's a rockin, that's because it's a boat.

Now, welcome aboard me, Captain Dr M.

D.

You're my first mate, but you won't be my last CBS all access.

You get first dibs, but move on it cause I hear creepy want seven seconds of it.

Now, since the Big Apple's the current epicenter of the cove it 19 outbreak residents of other states are rallying together to support New Yorkers.

And by rallying, I mean running them out of town.

Florida Governor Ron De Santis expanded his travel restrictions from hot zones in New York and Louisiana, saying there will be checkpoints for those who try to drive into the state.

However, these air Florida checkpoints.

So if you're a shirtless felon with a trunk full of pythons and meth, welcome home a little farther north and main armed vigilantes chop down a tree to block a driveway and force their neighbor to self quarantine lumberjack vigilantes.

The only way this could be more main is if they dressed up as a lobster and chop down the tree with a moose antler or dressed up as a moose and chop down the tree with the lobster dealer's choice.

So why did locals think these people had Corona virus, even though they showed no signs of being sick?

The victims, who had lived in Maine for over a month, were targeted because of their New Jersey license plate folks.

No one should be ostracised because of their license plates.

Unless it says Cove it bro, I have a dream, a dream that one day we will judge our neighbors not by the state on their license plates, but by the contents of their car.

Because do we not all have a penny crusted to the inside of the cup holder?

Who among us does not have a box of tissues on the back window that flies around like a rectangular bullet?

Every time we take a sharp turn time, we throw away our fears, and it's time we throw away that jar of nuts.

We keep in the glove compartment in case we're stuck in a snowstorm.

You're never gonna eat the nuts, and it never snows anymore.

Now every American is grateful for all of our heroic medical workers, and we want to make sure they get all the supplies they need.

All of us want that Well, except for this one guy.

It's a New York hospital, very.

It's packed all the time.

How do you go from 10 to 22?

300,000 10 to 20,000 masks?

2 300,000?

Even though this is different, something's going on and you ought to look into it as reporters.

Where the masculine are they going out the back door, really accusing medical workers of stealing masks?

That's like frisking Mother Teresa on the way out of the orphanage.

Check of pockets.

Check a package.

She could be smuggling out some Groll that So this is how short Mother Teresa is having a lead down.

Just get your pockets.

Trump is very suspicious of these workers.

I think people should check that because there's something going on with it, so I don't think it's hoarding.

I think it's maybe worse than hoarding.

What is worse than hoarding?

Does he think they're holding underground eyes, wide shut and medical supply orgies where the masks wear masks and why haven't I been invited?

But in the midst of this pandemic, Trump remains focused on the most important thing.

His ratings.

According to New York Times story.

He tweeted this yesterday.

President Trump is a ratings hit.

Since reviving the daily a White House briefing, Mr Trump has grown a virus.

Updates have attracted an average audience of 8.5 million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the season finale of the Bachelor.

Ah, 150,000 Americans are infected.

2500 Americans have died, and he is excited about his ratings.

You know, it reminds me of the Hindenburg coverage.

It's burning and bursting into flames, and this is going to get amazing ratings.

I'm gonna be famous.

Somebody call my agent on the publicity's e.

Now the truth is, this new way of life could go on for a while, because yesterday Trump announced that the federal government's guidelines for social distancing would last until April 30th another month indoors to spend with your new best friend Tyler be Tube.

I love you, Tyler.

April 30th of course, is moving goalpost for Trump because he kept saying we'd be done as early as Easter, which everybody knew was never gonna happen.

I remember even Jesus said, let the Children come to me.

But in about 6 to 8 weeks, in fact, I'm just going to stay in the tomb for a few more days.

I'm immuno compromised.

I'm just getting over a bad case of being dead.

I'm paraphrasing.

Obviously, this pandemic has grown so severe that we're seeing things we never thought we'd see.

For instance, Trump learned In actual fact, it's up to 151 countries.

Think of it 100 and 51 country.

Somebody said to me today that wasn't in this particular world.

They didn't know that we had that many countries 151 countries that something.

So let me get this straight.

When he saw how many nations are struggling with this virus, he thought there sure are a lot of nations.

I'm gonna say that's the wrong take away.

It's like seeing your grandma fold on a flight of stairs and saying, Wow, I did not know the human body had that many bones.

Trump revealed that when this pandemic began, some people advised him not to do any social distancing at all.

We had a lot of people were saying Maybe we shouldn't do anything.

Just write it.

They say, Write it like a cowboy.

Just write it, ride that sucker right through.

You heard that, right?

Write it like a cowboy advice that no doubt came from the acting head of the CDC.

Little doctor Naz X.

He is actually the guest star on the season finale of Captain Dr M.

D.

Folks, we have a show for you tonight.

John Oliver is not here, but he is somewhere.

And wherever that is, I will be talking to him.