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  • I really don't want to do this video.

  • As those who follow me know, I have a lot of practice in analyzing things from above

  • and I'm resisting doing that this time, resisting doing what is easy for me.

  • I want to talk about so many things.

  • I guess we should start in order.

  • Friday evening, Christina Grimmie was shot.

  • I don't want to talk about this.

  • I'm gonna talk about this.

  • Christina Grimmie was shot, we're going with shot not murdered because we're going in order

  • and for many hours we did not know if she would live.

  • It hit me really hard.

  • Not because I knew her personally or particularly followed her work, I didn't, I didn't even

  • know her, but because she and I have a lot in common.

  • Not in an "it could have been me" kind of way, though I suppose it could've, more in

  • a "it shouldn't have been her" kind of way, because she did everything right and I knew

  • this kind of thing could happen but it shouldn't have happened to her, these words running

  • around and around my head, it shouldn't have happened to her.

  • No, we need to go back further.

  • So I got my first real death threat, y'know, specific threat that included my address and

  • everything, when I was 15.

  • My First Death Threat!

  • Always an entertaining icebreaker conversation when you find yourself in a group of highly-visible

  • internet or entertainment people, particularly women and LGBTQ+ folk and people of color

  • who have so many stories to share,

  • anyway when I was in my mid-teens, before YouTube even existed, I was pretty active

  • in some internet and gaming communities and I got a lot of attention and just, when you're

  • a kid you pretty much get used to whatever's around you as normal.

  • Of course when you beat a dude at an online video game he's gonna find it to be a genuinely

  • hurtful blow to his manliness, his identity, and he might stalk down your address and threaten

  • to kill you.

  • And of course when you play with the same people enough, some of them will become obsessed

  • with you and call your family home phone number and tell you that he's holding a gun to his

  • head and will kill himself if you don't love him.

  • If you want to engage with the internet community that's just part of the territory, right.

  • And it just never even occurred to me to, what, call the police?

  • Tell my parents?

  • This was the early 2000s, back when the internet world was separate from real life, it was

  • other, I didn't even think to tell my friends about any of it.

  • I was bored, I had time, so I'd usually engage with it and dance the troll dance and mostly

  • they were just other bored kids and we'd get along just fine in the end.

  • I got very good at dealing with internet trolls and not very good at being a human being and

  • I was a kid and why would I ever tell anyone about anything bad that happened to me ever

  • when I had no trust that anyone would take anything I said seriously, even if they did

  • believe me, which they probably wouldn't, or if they did they'd make a big deal of it

  • and probably blame me anyway, and it's not like I'm a saint, and I put myself in this

  • situation by going on the internet, by playing games, by engaging with these people, I talked

  • to them I knew them I...

  • ...I learned that reaction and those instincts and that lack of trust very early in my life

  • and I have used it many times since.

  • What does this have to do with Christina?

  • We both started on YouTube in mid-2009, we're in the same order of magnitude of subscribers,

  • we're both gamers and singers and fairly successful but not super famous but well respected by

  • a lot of people who are, and we sometimes do events and meet and greets, not within

  • the well-oiled machine of hollywood with their protocols and security and money, but in that

  • youtubery space where we have all this attention, often very personal attention because of the

  • intimacy of the medium, and basically I have a lot to identify with as far as where she

  • was and why.

  • I don't know the extent to which she got death threats or had obsessive fans or stalkers,

  • but for any woman at that level of visibility I can be confident that she did.

  • For anyone in a group that commonly gets marked as "other", it becomes likely at relatively

  • low follower numbers, and at a certain level of visibility everyone has to deal with it.

  • Sometimes male friends ask me how I deal with the threats and the attention, or they get

  • upset about comments they see on my channel or on twitter, and they want to know how it

  • is that I'm brave enough to be this visible, when so many decide it's not worth the hassle.

  • And I always found that question odd.

  • How could I possibly worry about what I get on the internet as Vi Hart when that's harmless

  • compared to what I get in real life as nobody?

  • I didn't get internet-famous until I was 22.

  • I got used to internet threats by 16, and in the time between I went to college, I lived

  • in a few different cities, I travelled to conventions and conferences alone, I'd go

  • out to eat and drink and dance alone, I'd walk down the street alone.

  • I'd been in the world, and since I got internet famous I've been in the world some more.

  • I know where real danger is.

  • How is it possible to be concerned about internet strangers that I can just ignore when I've

  • encountered so many men who I would have encountered whether I was on the internet or not and who

  • physically would not let me ignore them?

  • Most people have no idea how common sexual assault and violence against women are because

  • people get taught pretty early on that keeping it to yourself and pretending it's not a big

  • deal is very much preferable than even the best case scenario if you talk about it, and

  • forget pressing charges, it's kind of amazing that anyone bothers.

  • I learned early in my life to have more faith in the humanity of angry men than in any of

  • the uncaring inhuman systems around me.

  • As a teenager I would to turn my trolls into my friends and I usually succeeded.

  • But now I'm 28, I just don't have the time, and it seems the same bored kids who naively

  • did this stuff 15 years ago are still doing it as adults, plus a new crop of kids, plus

  • I'm more visible; all I can do is ignore, block, ban, and continually discover that

  • all that leniency and attention I used to give people is something they feel entitled

  • to get.

  • Same way male strangers act towards me in real life.

  • Just hear me out.

  • Just let me explain.

  • Just give me two minutes.

  • Just give me a chance, no, I mean a real chance, if it were a real chance you'd see that

  • I'm a nice guy, so give me a chance to do this the nice way.

  • Christina Grimmie was shot at a meet and greet and I kept refreshing the news waiting to

  • find out if she would live, but also because I needed to know whether it was someone she

  • knew or someone who targeted her because of her fame.

  • I don't know why this mattered to me.

  • I knew that most likely it was an ex boyfriend, a current boyfriend, a family member, it happens

  • all the time.

  • And if not... well which one is worse, what do I want the answer to be, what does it matter,

  • why do I care?

  • I've always struggled with how famous to be.

  • Fame is an inconvenience, all I've ever wanted is to run off and be a hermit, and the only

  • reason I didn't stop altogether with my entire public presence as soon as I could afford

  • to is this responsibility I feel, that I can do and say things that other people can't,

  • sometimes because of my experience and expertise, and sometimes just because I'm not afraid,

  • not of threats, not of losing subscribers, or money, and I'm certainly not afraid to

  • disappoint people who don't like what I'm saying.

  • I can walk away at any time without sacrificing my income or my dreams, and whatever part

  • of me felt fear broke inside me a long time ago, or maybe I just forgot what it's like

  • to feel safe.

  • Christina Grimmie was shot at a meet and greet by a stranger who waited for his turn on her

  • signing line and who she met with open arms and a smile.

  • He waited his turn.

  • On Saturday morning I found out she did not live, on Saturday afternoon we found out his

  • name and that he was a stranger, and we were still waiting to hear why when the world came

  • apart again.

  • 49 people killed in Orlando at Pulse, a gay club on "latin flavor" night by a single hateful

  • person.

  • 49 people.

  • A new set of complicated feelings, it's a much bigger tragedy yet the sting of identification

  • is not as strong because I'm not straight but straight passing and I like dancing in

  • gay clubs mostly to avoid the attention of entitled straight dudes rather than to avoid

  • the hatred and discrimination that so many people in the LGBTQ+ community are so familiar

  • with and that fueled this shooting.

  • It demands a response.

  • 49 people killed in a hate crime, I want to talk about so many things, I'm a mathematician

  • and I know all the numbers and I understand systems and I want to tell you all the answers;

  • everyone is shouting past each other in their grief and I want to say hold on, let's think

  • rationally about this.

  • I'm a mathematician and I know what to do, I have numbers, I have analyses... the thing

  • about a functional democracy is that people need to be educated and informed about reality

  • and I can do education, I know so many nice detached impersonal facts.

  • Couldn't I just do a video about guns, or about representation and violence in media,

  • it would be so much easier, but we can't be educated and informed when we only talk about

  • the things everyone always talks about.

  • There are systemic problems that live behind closed doors.

  • Why is it so predictable that the Pulse shooter's ex wife and her family didn't report to the

  • police that he was beating her?

  • Christina's killer broke his father's fiance's wrist and she did report it to the police;

  • why is it so predictable that they didn't pursue the case because she was drunk?

  • Why do we allow ourselves to have a legal system that teaches people that some violence

  • doesn't get taken seriously?

  • Forget the part about domestic violence and gun access; we know that most mass shootings

  • are domestic so why do we frame it in reverse, as if being a killer explains a history of

  • domestic violence, rather than wondering if the failure of our system to teach consequences

  • for this violence might contribute to its escalation.

  • Christina Grimmie, like so many women, was killed by a man who wanted her exclusive love,

  • who thought if he put in some effort to change his appearance and lifestyle then he would

  • deserve her, he had a plan for her life, she was supposed to marry him, and her having

  • her own life and a boyfriend ruined everything and he went to her signing and waited in line

  • and she met him with open arms and he shot her three times.

  • It hit me so hard because I wasn't scared of this; I was prepared for this, I always

  • knew it was a possibility and I've always been practical with my online safety, but

  • I wasn't supposed to be right.

  • Not about avoiding going to certain events or avoiding meet and greets, and not about

  • whatever instinct tells me love is more dangerous than hate.

  • When I'm walking down the street and think someone's following me, I'm supposed to

  • think I'm paranoid.

  • And when after a couple blocks that someone runs up to me and tells me they're a fan,

  • or a stranger who was struck by my beauty at the club, or just some random person who

  • was following me, I'm not supposed to have been right.

  • When I consider crossing the street to avoid walking past a group of men on the sidewalk,

  • and resist that urge because it sounds paranoid and then they shove me up against a building,

  • or one of them puts his arm around my waist and demands I attend his office party, I'm

  • not supposed to have been right.

  • When a guy at a bar asks to buy me a drink and my instinct is to make up a lie and be

  • super nice and inflate his ego so that he doesn't become enraged at me, and I resist

  • that paranoid urge and instead just say no thanks, and then he starts describing exactly

  • how he plans on killing me later, I'm not supposed to have been right.

  • When I don't trust people, when I don't think I'm safe, when I'm closed and cold

  • and hide from the world, I'm not supposed to be right.

  • Christina was right.

  • Love is right.

  • Trust is right.

  • Dancing your heart out at a gay club is right.

  • We don't know if Christina's killer intended mass murder but he was armed for it and he

  • fits the pattern and Christina's brother Marcus probably prevented a mass killing when

  • he tackled the shooter to the ground.

  • The killer shot himself during the scuffle and people say it was to avoid facing the

  • consequences of his actions but knowing what I know I would guess it was to avoid living

  • with the shame of yet another one of his plans having gone so differently than it went in

  • his head.

  • He failed.

  • I wanted to say all this to you because my combination of semi-anonymous internet fame

  • with a stubbornness to continue navigating the world alone means I have more data, I've

  • seen a condensed version of this deeply ugly thing in our culture and it has consequences.

  • Christina's death hit me so hard because I identify with the circumstances, I know

  • all too well the ugly face of the forces behind it.

  • Just as the Pulse shooting hit so hard for those who have experienced the ugliness of

  • that hatred, and we're lucky the YouTube community includes prominent LGBTQ+ vloggers

  • who are sharing their personal feelings about it.

  • It helps, it helps everyone understand the truth of the world better, the experiences

  • and feelings of other people.

  • The media pretends these shootings were random and senseless and there's nothing we can

  • do to prevent people from trying to commit mass murder, and for me the only thing worse

  • than feeling powerless is to know that actually we are powerful.

  • I wish I were powerless, I so often wish I were powerless.

  • It would be so much more convenient, because I know the most powerful thing I can do right

  • now is talk about this, and I don't want to talk about this.

  • I'm sad.

  • I feel sad.

  • That's what I wanted to say.

I really don't want to do this video.

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B1 中級

對悲劇感到悲傷 (Feeling sad about tragedy)

  • 1 0
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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