It was always Alan's dream to be buried with his wife.

So, this afternoon, we shot her.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All the tables are named after mine and my wife's favourite films.

I know it's quite crowded over there on the Human Centipede,

but if you all squeeze in together you'll be fine.

LAUGHTER

Oh, thank you, no. I've had more than enough free Prosecco.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I know it's traditional for the bride to have something blue,

I just don't think you should have dug up Grandma.

LAUGHTER

Just because he was morbidly obese

doesn't mean he can't be buried with dignity.

Gary, get the forklift!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In life, he was a strong, confident and capable man.

Excelled at everything he did.

Apart from swimming, obviously.

LAUGHTER

At least George died doing what he loved.

Heroin.

LAUGHTER

I know it's customary as father of the bride

to give my daughter away, but I'd like to try something different.

Er, 55, 55, 55. Do I have 60 in the room?

Do I have 60 in the room?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And if you look at the back of today's order of service,

you'll see a picture of Ethel when she was much younger.

I think we'll all agree, it's one for the wank bank.

AUDIENCE GASPS AND GROANS

Today is not a sad day, it's a celebration,

because, after all, Trevor was a prick.

LAUGHTER

Bride's side or groom's side? I don't know.

I've fucked them both.

LAUGHTER

Why she drove into oncoming traffic, we will never know.

Perhaps Vera by name...

LAUGHTER

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Never WhatsApp while walking,

he got hit by a bus.

LAUGHTER

We choreographed our own first dance,

because we are arseholes.

LAUGHTER

No, it's just, it's funny. No, I've just realised,

because I've never actually met a Scottish Widow.

You know, it's like...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sadly, today we all know exactly where Wally is.

LAUGHTER

And I'd like to congratulate the bride's mother on how well

she looks tonight, although not as well as she'd look

on my dick!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

My goodness. My goodness, yes, that is a lovely ring.

Now pop your trousers back on.

LAUGHTER

Does anybody else find there's a seriously inconsistent tone

at this wedding or funeral?

LAUGHTER

Raymond was a man of many parts.

None of them worked. That's why he's dead.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE