You know, at first I thought it was one of those panic attacks that those Imposter syndrome programmers scared all the time.

But But then I realized I don't have imposter syndrome, so this must be the real deal.

So I thought today I would just take a break from making YouTube videos and reflect on what's been going on.

It's been a wild deer.

I lost my wife, my son, my family.

I lost my job, a good career over at Facebook, and, you know, it's like one moment I was attending my kid's birthday party, working my 9 to 5 job.

And then the next day, everything vanished, as if none of it even happened.

Six years of work, personal time and effort into creating this lifestyle.

It was two years of dating four years of marriage, raising a kid, changing all those diapers, transitioning from Google to Facebook, and all of that just vanished.

And now it feels like I have been running in the wrong direction this whole time.

I think that's really what midlife crisis is like.

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Suddenly you're questioning everything you've devoted your life to over the past few years, and all of your carefully laid out plans for life just don't seem to make sense anymore.

You start acting impulsively, making reckless decisions in an attempt to regain yourself to regain a sense of purpose.

You know, the other day I was driving down the highway and I saw a Nissan GTR is a car I always wanted.

And I thought to myself, Well, hey, maybe maybe I should just go by that.

And that reminded me how a lot of midlife crisis people they go and buy a red Porsche or Corvette.

And then I realized a test less, probably better.

Everybody seems to love those things, But then I remembered I'm just too cheap to buy Tesla, even going through a midlife crisis.

So here I am just really existing going around looking at people like am I happy?

Is this happiness with, um I even doing here?

There's a sense of restlessness, emptiness.

I'm making stupid little YouTube videos for stupid little people reading stupid little comments.

And who knows?

Maybe everybody.

They're just thoughts, right?

Maybe nobody's watching this video except you and all those other views that we're getting.

Maybe they're just those outsource bus that I paid for and find myself questioning what I might even doing here.

We seem to be struggling all of our lives, trying to reach us.

Stay where we can just sleep in all day.

And that seems to be the dream where you don't even have to get up.

You don't have to go work, you don't have to do anything, and you could just sit back and relax, and that's pretty much what I have now.

I could just sleep in all day, and it really doesn't matter if I wake up or not.

Every day I have enough funds to sustain myself, and yet there's an emptiness to it.

It doesn't feel fulfilling when I reflect on my odor days when I would be raising my kid, helping him learn about the world changing diapers, committing through traffic, supporting my family through the grind of a 9 to 5 job, providing people with health insurance.

Even through that struggle, all of that somehow felt very fulfilling.

It felt like I was progressing my life forward like I was moving towards something, a dream, a goal, an aspiration.

At this point, it feels like I have been running through some marathon and halfway through it I find out that the marathons already over someone else's one that maybe my ex wife's new boyfriend and that gold medal prize it's gun.

And I was like, halfway there halfway through that dream of having a blissful marriage to case a white picket fence.

A dog.

I mean, I have one kid.

I had the wife, I had a dog.

We were bidding on the house.

And then when they all turned to pure garbage and at this point, that fairytale ending just doesn't exist for me anymore.

At best, I'm a divorced that, at worst, I'm has been youtuber.

I don't even know why I'm making money anymore.

I have more than enough for myself.

I can't spend all of this in my lifetime.

I probably had more than enough.

10 years ago when I first reached a 1,000,000 in net worth, and I had always been planning that any further, Mom I would make would go to my kids, go to supporting my family, taking everybody on family vacations, taking people to fancy restaurants.

If it's just me by myself, it's not all that fun going to fancy restaurants alone, going to Disneyland kids, amusement parks by myself, going to exotic locations.

I would feel a little out of place now.

I think the fact of the matter here, though, is that all of us are going to go through a midlife crisis at some point or another that's waiting for us.

Whereas the twenties was the time of pursuing dreams and aspirations.

Your thirties and forties is going to be when you actually see the end of those pursuits, and you can see whether you succeeded or failed and you'll find maybe don't have enough time to go back and redo all that again.

And that may not even be your fault.

There are so many other factors that could be a play here.

The love in your marriage Maybe we'll start fading.

Your parents will start growing odor.

You could start seeing some of your loved ones passing away.

Your own health could be starting to go.

You could start seeing injuries and you'll start thinking about other things that maybe you want to accomplish in life and reflect on the direction that you're currently going and whether you'll be able to reach those goals you once has set for yourself.

Quite likely life will not go as planned.

It rarely ever does whatever dream or go you're chasing after.

It probably doesn't exist.

That's the funny thing about life.

When I was younger, I used to travel around a lot, going around by myself, and I would look at people live in their day to day lives, and I had this same that stability is an illusion created by society to protect us from the chaos of the universe.

Because the fact is, we live in the Celtic world and we tried to shield ourselves from that unpredictability through daily retains, stable careers, marriages, and we like to think that's going to last forever, that we have all the time in the world.

But life is anything but predictable.

You could get hit by a car tomorrow, an asteroid can come in 10 years and blow everybody out.

I was waiting for you and me and all of us is probably some plan that will never pan out, at least not the way we wanted to.

And so that's why it's important, I think, to enjoy the journey, that destination, that we're all walking towards that gold medal price.

It doesn't exist.

It's already been taken by your spouse's future new boyfriend or girlfriend.

So treasure those transient moments while you can.

What they exist.

Nothing lasts forever, but they're still good times to be head those fleeting moments of joy.

They're really fulfilled type that you experience in daily life.

Maybe it's the honeymoon period when you meet a new person.

It could be a shared smile over dinner.

Ah, hike!

That just went surprisingly well, or vacation that everybody just enjoyed.

And that one snapshot in time when everything seems to be going well, when everyone's filled with hopes and dreams, even though they may be struggling towards it.

I would treasure moments like that.

We're all struggling towards retirement, but it's going to be an empty pleasure, I think, when you get there, the type you nose coming when you experience that mid life crisis and you realize that the joy is not going to be necessarily the fulfilling type where you could end up there without the people you wanted to be there with health conditions.

There's a difference between joy fulfillment pursuing something meaningful to you, some ambition or dream that matters to you and the empty pleasure of sitting around by yourself drinking coffee, making YouTube videos, watching endless TV reruns.

If you find that fulfilling thing for you, then I encourage you to pursue that.

Because you have to go all in.

Life is going to be rough.

Nothing's ever easy, is going to be unfair and unpredictable.

And if it were anybody else's life, then sure, I would say they can go ahead and give it up.

Just relax.

They don't have to try so hard.

They can just enjoy their empty pleasures, sleeping all day, watch endless TV reruns.

But because this is your life, you have to go all in Now One of the best ways to get past a midlife crisis is to become more curious about the world.

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And because I'm the tech lead, I'm getting, ah, free 30 day trial actor as the stream dot com slash tech lead and use promo code attack lead not before we wrap up.

I just wanted to let you guys know that even though it may looks like I have lost that life, I haven't you know, that was really just the warm up round.

If you've ever played ST Fire to two, then you know that there's two rounds and oftentimes, actually, the strategy is to purposely lose at the first round.

So then you throw the other people off balance, and then you take the other two rounds and sail into an easy victory.

So you guys may think that I'm done for that.

I'm under the game, but I'm actually just getting started.

I can still make it back and from experience, having lost over $350,000 in the stock markets before, I know that when you are down 50% deep in the red, then you can still make it back if you dealt with them.

But the trick is you got to go all in.

It's gonna be a little bit riskier.

The stakes are much higher.

There's really no more room for error here.

But you know, you only live once yellow, so it's back to basics and we go one day at the time.

And there's only one way to go and that's forward.

It's time to stop worrying about what everyone else is saying or thinking to stop trying to live that fairytale story that you've been fed by other people and through Trailblazer own path and to make your story your own.

We are the captains of our ships and we stay through the end.

We see our stories through for me.

If you like the video, give the like and subscribe, I really appreciate that.