If you've never seen one of my videos before, you're probably really confused right now!

To be fair, if you have seen one of my videos, you're probably equally confused...

I am normally very pro-"loving your body"

-or at least not hating your body.

I was born with multiple disabilities that should make me dislike my body.

By the time I was 21, I weighed six stone and people told me I should definitely hate my body.

Because obviously being too thin is the worst thing in the world, right(?)

But no, I'm pretty sure that I was dying was more important,

but sure, go ahead, keep focusing on my weight!

Goodness, if I had a pound for every time someone just ignored my medical needs

because they were distracted by my face, fashion, or weight...

Riches!

But that's kind of what this video is about.

Without the money.

Sadly.

In this video, I'm gonna get all mushy and honest and open and tell you about the thing I hate about my face.

Yeah...

I would also like to thank the sponsor of today's video, Lost Island,

a fun new mobile game I've become obsessed with

because I have a condition that means I have to lie on the floor a lot and can't do much except for play games on my phone.

It's a blast puzzle game aimed at adults with literally hundreds of levels.

Believe me, I've been playing for a while and they're still going

but unlike the more generic lining things up games Lost Island actually has the story

In the game, you are the new owner of a beautiful island and it's your job to turn it into a paradise.

You can renovate, decorate and transform it into the home of your dreams

plus there are ancient artefacts to discover along with gold and treasure

AND you're aided by your pet seal and

And Ellie, the adventurous archaeologist, who is a redhead

So....

[cheer]

But this is no ordinary island and as you renovate it weird things begin to happen

dun dun dun!

What could it all mean?

Da da da!

Well, obviously you have to play the game to find out. I'm not going to give it all away

I've been playing this game for a few days and something I really like is that there are two ways to play

You can play through the story, which is very calming, you can follow the narrative...

or you can just play really quickly through a number of puzzles by touching the play button in the lower right hand corner

and save the stars to use in the story later

each level increases the difficulty

but they don't necessarily become so difficult you want to give up...

so that's a win for me and

Also, you can always play on by using all those extra coins you're going to get by clicking my link in the description!

It's really fun to play and I am excited to continue updating my Island

You can download Lost Island right now for free by using the link in the description down below

You'll be supporting my channel and get 7 lives and 700 coins

Which let's be honest is actually something I could really do with right now

because I had spent my coins making my island fancy

As you get up to those hard levels, the extra lives will also really come in handy

Ya back today's video

so... hmm....

Yes, I mentioned the thing that I

Disliked about my face and...

and to explain I'm gonna have to take you back in time a little bit

So I started getting migraines when I was in my early teens

I think they just started as headaches really...

just a kind of generalised aching pain...

at the same time I was developing scoliosis or curvature of the spine.

So my doctor just sort of thought that these two things were probably related

and the scoliosis was causing the headaches.

It was just a constant pain though and it...

it became my normal

Sometimes it was worse and sometimes

some blissful times it felt as if the clouds had cleared my blue sky and

suddenly I could see without the haze across my vision

think clearly without dragging my thoughts from black sludge of my brain

and it would hit me that this was normal

this was what other people's brains felt like

but then the pain would seep in again steeping up from my shoulders or stabbing its way into my burning eye sockets.

By the time I was 14 or 15, I was getting full-on migraines, visual disturbances and everything.

if you've ever wondered what a migraine aura looks like

This is as close as I can get on final cut

Weird no,

I thought this was normal

or just because I have tiny eyes in a throwback to very strong Central Asian genetic ancestry.

NO.

Apparently that's an aura migraine

Who knew

but then as I explained in my 'becoming visually impaired' video,

I had the worst migraine of my life

Kind of had a stroke and lost the vision in one eye and the feeling in the left side of my face

I would here insert a picture but I was too busy trying not to die

My parents thought it was a bit morbid to take one

so

just know that the left side of my face was floppy and it had no feeling

I couldn't talk out that side of my face or smile or feel when someone stuck a pin in it

Which doctors love to do

repeatedly

it's a thing

Once the whole drama was over and I was stable and not going to die

I still couldn't move this bit of my face

and it just didn't look like my face

and it freaked me the hell out

Okay...

There's a very special part of your brain- it's in the temporal lobe

that is partly responsible for our ability to recognize faces

From the earliest age babies are able to recognize faces and even mimic them from just two days old

Obviously, they don't understand the emotions of each look

but they understand that it's a face.

In the same way that we're programmed to see human faces in everything,

from some coffee you spilt on the table to an old rock with what looks like a nose

In the same way we were designed to see that,

we also have really set ideas in our heads of what we look like

and what the people around us look like

My dad had a moustache until I was 3

a really thick bushy black moustache

and then he decided to shave it off

He took me into the bathroom with him when he did it

So I would still know it was him even though he suddenly had lips

I watched him shave off his mustache and I still freaked out

because my brain had a set image of what he looked like

And a hairless lip just wasn't him

well

It was but it wasn't

but it almost was

to such a slight degree of wrong that it completely disturbed me

and I chopped all the hair off my favourite doll with rusty old scissors

because I just couldn't cope

and that's what it felt like looking at my face in the mirror

It wasn't me

It was me, but it wasn't me

and over the next few days my face slowly began to move again

but it was always a little off.

I would smile and the right side would go first,

and the left would follow after.

Moving the left side of my face took effort at first I had to actually think about moving my face.

As time passed, my left side moved more but there are some things I just can't make it do

Yeah... no matter how hard I think about it there are just muscles on this side that I can't move

Trust me. I have tried.

I've put those hours in in front of the mirror!

The feeling never came back either and neither did the sight in my left eye

even to this day I can prick the side of my face and it doesn't...

Feel like anything. I don't--

it's like wearing...

I don't know--a mask,

a really thick mask.

It's really thick

and that was ten years ago

And I still can't feel this half of my face.

You probably can't even see anything wrong with it!

To you, my face probably looks entirely equal and symmetrical.

But to me...

Maybe it's because I look in the mirror and I can only see my face from my right eye?

Try to look in the mirror with your own face with one eye closed

You can see your face straight on

and you can see the side with the working eye,

but the other side...

well, leave it long enough and it will start to freak you out,

like really freak you out!

when I see photographs of the left side of my face. It just doesn't look like me.

I know it's me

I don't have any face blindness or anything.

It just doesn't look right.

There's a thing called the uncanny valley and it relates to humanoid robots

And... CGI really,

but I am actually going someone with this

So in aesthetics, the uncanny valley is part of a graph that shows human emotional response

I.E. likeability--

related to the degree of humaneness of the object.

Something that looks only vaguely human, cute teddy with big eyes and a smile

elicits good feelings

But once the degree to which the humanoid object appears almost but not entirely like a human increases...

Well then we fall into the valley

where these faces elicit 'uncanny'

-meaning the psychological experience of something being strangely familiar, but not quite right

feelings of eeriness, or a slight revulsion

-don't worry, I'm not actually revolted by the left side of my face

It just isn't right

[ding]

Because it isn't the right side of my face

You're welcome.

Maybe I'm just not used to seeing it

Maybe it's because the muscles don't work the way the ones on the right do

and only I can tell because it's my face

And I'm so used to it.

Whatever it is, that's how I feel... about MY face.

Do I still love myself?

Yes.

Do I still love my weird little face?

Yes.

Am I objectively aware that no one else probably finds my face weird?

Yes 100%

But they're my feelings...

and if there's one thing you should take away from watching my channel.

It's that whatever your feelings are

They are entirely valid because they are yours

No one should tell you how you should feel

Or think about your own body

or even anything else

if you want to change the way you feel about something?

Then go on and do so

find those resources, practice kindness,

especially towards yourself

But it's also okay to not love yourself all the time!

It's a journey, right?

No one expects you to get from zero to "every atom of my body is perfect" in a day

-or even a lifetime!

It's especially more complex when you have a disability and you can sometimes feel like your body has let you down

Just know that you're never alone on that journey, and I am here feeling all of those funny feelings with you

Thank you for watching

don't forget to subscribe if you haven't already

and download the lost island app using the link in the description for seven extra lives and 700 coins.

Ah Lord, do I wish I could download seven extra non-migraine lives,

that would be splendid

[kiss]

Bye bye.