The Daily Social Distancing Show.

It is now day 13 of being stuck in the house

to try and stop the coronavirus.

And yes, I'm going a little bit crazy,

but I'm also learning things.

For instance, here's a tip to help you in quarantine.

If you're alone and you're feeling lonely,

all you need to do is take some pillows

and you fill them up with potatoes,

wrap them up in a blanket,

stack them on your couch and now you have a friend.

Jerry.

Always fighting over the remote.

Anyway, tonight we're gonna catch up

on all the latest coronavirus news, like

Congress is giving everyone money,

the royal family is getting personal with coronavirus

and Donald Trump teaches us about manners.

So let's get into it.

Welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

-♪ ♪ -ANNOUNCER: From Trevor's couch in New York City

to your couch somewhere in the world, this is

The Daily Social Distancing Show With Trevor Noah.

Let's kick it off as we always do,

with some good news of the day.

This morning Republicans and Democrats in the Senate

reached a deal to pump two trillion dollars

into the economy to help deal with this pandemic.

It is the biggest stimulus in United States history,

and it basically spreads money everywhere.

Direct payments to Americans, expanded unemployment insurance,

aid to small businesses, aid to the airline industry

and billions of dollars to help prop up

the health care industry, which is vital right now.

So all over America people are gonna

be getting checks from the government.

And I know a lot of people out there are desperate

for toilet paper, but please do not use those checks

to wipe your ass. You take the check,

you cash the check and then you take the cash

and you go to the toilet and you wipe your ass.

Or you use the cash to buy toilet paper.

I should have gone with that one first.

But now you-now you know. If you were-if you were

already doing it, you were too fast, I can't help you.

Now, apparently Democrats and Republicans only managed

to reach a deal after they agreed that they were

going to include an oversight committee to make sure

that all of this money is being spent appropriately. Right?

And there's also a provision that blocks bailout money

from going to businesses that are owned

by government officials,

including the president and his family.

Imagine that, hmm? In fact, just take a second

to appreciate how strange it is that lawmakers felt that

they needed to write in that the president cannot use this money

for himself and his family. And even Republicans were like,

"Yeah, yeah, no, you're right, we should include that.

We should include that." Because, don't forget,

this is the same guy who took $150,000

from a small business recovery program after 9/11.

And he didn't need that.

So, yeah, Trump would have

looted the shit out of this fund.

And even with this restriction, I bet Trump will find a loophole

to try and get some of this money. He'll be like,

"Okay, Eric, if anyone asks,

you're no longer my son."

"Oh, damn, Dad, is this a plan to get that bailout money?"

"No, this is just something I've always wanted."

In more good news, the Chinese government has announced

that there has been so much improvement in Wuhan--

the place where this whole epidemic began--

that the lockdown will be lifted there

in just a couple of weeks.

Yeah. So, basically, coronavirus is like TikTok--

it started in China but it's blowing up in America.

And pretty soon the people of Wuhan

are gonna be discriminating against us.

Yeah, they're just gonna be holding press conferences like,

"We need to shut down our borders

to prevent the America virus from coming in."

"The America virus?" "Yeah, that's how it works, right?

"You name it after where it is, 'cause it not in Wuhan anymore.

So, you... America virus? Yeah?"

But this news out of Wuhan gives me hope, because it shows

that the coronavirus can be beaten. Right?

All you need to do is wash your hands, social distance

and have an all-powerful government

that can force you to do whatever they want.

Yeah, because meanwhile, in America, people are like,

"If I want to lick a toilet seat, it's my God-given right

to lick a goddam toilet seat! Mwah!"

So that's the good news.

Money coming into America

and China seems to have coronavirus under control.

Now, we need a little bit of good news every day,

because outside of that, the coronavirus

is showing no signs of slowing down.

The number of confirmed cases worldwide

has jumped to over 430,000.

Spain has surpassed China

as the country with the most deaths after Italy,

and even the royal family isn't immune.

Prince Charles has now tested positive for coronavirus.

Yeah. So, basically, Harry and Megan left

and coronavirus joined.

Which is a pretty bad trade, if you ask me.

But don't worry, the prince

only has mild symptoms and they say

he's recovering, he's in self-isolation

in his palace.

Yeah. And I won't lie--

"the prince being in self-isolation in the palace"

sounds like the beginning of a very strange Disney movie.

The prince was trapped in his castle,

until one day

a fair maiden came to rescue him.

"Only your kiss can save me,

fair maiden."

"Oh, a kiss? Man, you lucky if I wink at you from far.

Get away from me."

Meanwhile, across the pond, America is quickly becoming

one of the world's coronavirus hot spots,

with over 60,000 people now infected.

Businesses are continuing to react in different ways

to try and work through this. For example,

airlines are now reassigning passengers

so that nobody sits in a middle seat.

And this is in an attempt to give everyone

more distance from each other.

Now, this is gonna be tough for airlines.

And, I mean, it's probably gonna

completely destroy Spirit Airlines

because they only have middle seats.

Spirit Airlines:

if you're still flying, you deserve us.

Another company dealing

with the coronavirus fallout right now is Amazon.

Due to surging demand,

they've been hiring more workers.

And to help pay for it,

Amazon is asking us, the public, to donate.

So yeah, the richest company in the world

owned by the richest man in the world

is asking us for money.

Which, let's be honest, is some bullshit.

Can someone please order Jeff Bezos a conscience?

With Prime, it can arrive within two days.

In fact, screw Amazon. Don't be asking us for money.

You know what I'm gonna do as a protest? From now on,

I'm only ordering stuff from them once a day.

Maybe twice a day, but that's it.

But the big story today,

the story that's got everybody talking,

is that while more and more countries around the world

are shutting down to stop coronavirus from spreading,

Donald Jameson Trump

is preparing for a grand opening.

President Trump now says

he wants to reopen the country for business by Easter

even as health officials warn the coronavirus pandemic

will continue to worsen in the U.S.

I'd love to have it open by Easter.

Okay? I would love

-to have it open by Easter. -NEWSWOMAN: Oh, wow. Okay.

I will... I will tell you that right now.

Easter's a very special day for me.

And I say, wouldn't it be great

to have all of the churches full?

You know, the churches aren't allowed,

essentially, to have much of a congregation there.

So I think Easter Sunday,

and you'll have packed churches all over our country.

I-I think it would be a beautiful time.

Yes, President Trump says

he wants to reopen America on Easter.

Which makes sense.

I mean, Easter is about resurrection, after all.

It'll be, "Happy Easter, everyone.

He is risen."

"He" meaning coronavirus.

And I love that Trump says

Easter is a very special day for him,

because I'm willing to bet

all five rolls of my toilet paper

that he doesn't even know what Easter is about.

He's acting like it's special.

I bet if you asked him, he'd be like,

"Easter is a very special time for me.

"It's the day a giant rabbit

"saved Jesus from dying on the egg.

So special, folks."

Now, you don't have to be a genius

to see why the president's plan

is alarming a lot of people right now.

Right? It's not just because it seems way too early

but it's also because he's saying

he wants everyone to congregate together

in churches around the country,

which is the worst idea possible in a pandemic.

This is basically every supervillain's wet dream, right?

A big event with huge crowds

where everyone gets infected by a deadly toxin.

Trump is like the Joker, just with more makeup.

And this idea's so insane

that everyone from Democratic governors

to conservative politicians

to the entire field of medical experts

agrees that unless the virus is contained,

people have no business gathering in large groups.

And, you know, it's so surreal that we ended up in a situation

where the one person who doesn't understand

how complex and dangerous this is

happens to be the most powerful man in the world.

It feels like if there was an asteroid

hurtling towards the Earth,

everyone would be trying to blow it up off course,

and Trump would be like,

"I think we should give the asteroid a chance, folks.

"Maybe it's friendly.

Look, it even has my hair."

Because what's most mind-blowing

about Trump's sudden impulse to get back to normal

is that right now the situation is far from under control.

Especially here in New York,

which right now has over half

the country's confirmed coronavirus cases.

It's gotten so bad in New York

that the White House's coronavirus task force

is advising that even people

who left New York already

should self-quarantine for 14 days,

regardless of where they are in the country or in the world.

And that's gonna be hard for anyone who has to look after

a New Yorker who's, like, visiting them.

It's gonna be people complaining about their quarantined friends.

Just like, "He won't eat.

"He says the pastrami's too dry and the bagels aren't boiled.

"I-I tried ordering pizza,

and then he just cussed at me for ten minutes."

And with coronavirus cases not even expected to peak

until two or three weeks from now,

the city is already in desperate need

for more hospital beds,

more medical supplies, more ventilators,

which literally keep people breathing

when they can't do it on their own.

And Governor Cuomo definitely doesn't feel like