Welcome to another Isles writing video.

Today we're looking at how to improve your isles writing.

If you find this video helpful, I encourage you to go to my website at MILES.

I'll start calm.

Students often ask me, How can I improve my writing?

This is a very, very broad question, and I'm going to answer it very, very briefly.

To improve your writing, you need T to do two things.

The first is you need to divide your ideas into concise sentences.

The word concise means to be brief and to be married to the point.

Often, students feel that if they write long, elaborate sentences and if they use complicated wording patterns and complicated vocabulary that somehow this is going to get them a seven or eight on their examination.

Often this is not the case.

And I'll tell you why.

Students that right long sentences that are very elaborate and use vocabulary that perhaps they don't fully understand tend to be full of grammatical errors.

Someone that reads an essay that is full of grammatical errors is not going to be convinced that you are a master of the English language, so do not give yourself a problem, right?

Your sentences concisely to the point short.

Now, you remember from my previous videos that each sentence has a particular job that it has to accomplish.

Example sentences.

Show your point in action.

Discussion sentences show how your point links to the topic of your argument.

Your thesis.

The most important sentence in your argument.

Essay Your outline.

Sentence your summary in your conclusion.

All of these sentence types have a particular job that they have to do.

And if you include all these sentenced types together, they work as a team and they make your essay stronger.

And they make your essay work as a whole.

Not just that sentence level, not just at the paragraph level, but at the S a level.

Okay, that's my point Number one point number two you're writing should link sentences with cohesive phrases to me.

I think this is a very easy thing that you can include in your writing to really convince your reader that your ideas are flowing together and that they're linking in in an effective way that proves whatever points you're analyzing or supporting or refuting.

I think everybody should know what a cohesive phrases.

These are the phrases like, for example, as this shows because of this.

Thus, these points make it clear that, on the other hand, in contrast to this in summary, to prove this, these kinds of freezes linking sentences in this manner will show the flow of your ideas.

So overall, what you need to do is you need to write concise sentences, and you need to link them with cohesive freezes.

Now let's look at a student's writing this.

Students responded to this essay question.

Many people around the world are moving towards using debit and credit cards collectively referred to as an electronic funds transfer system or E F.

T instead of bank notes to pay for things carrying money.

Elektronik Lee has more benefits, then carrying money as banknotes.

Do you agree or disagree?

Okay, so the question I'm sure you will agree is quite straightforward.

We're simply asked to comment on whether carrying money in an electronic form, such as a debit card or a credit card carries with it more benefits.

Then holding money is banknotes, which would be just like paper money like US paper U.

S.

Dollar, the Emirati, during do you agree or disagree now.

The student responded to this as an argument essay as they should, and they agreed with this statement.

What I am going to present to you now is the first supporting paragraph that the student wrote, and what you will see is that the students tried to write very long, very elaborate sentences.

I believe they tried to use, um, vocabulary that perhaps they don't really understand.

And unfortunately, what happens?

What you will see in a moment is that the paragraph feels it's difficult to understand, and the points do not come across clearly.

Here we go.

Firstly, when money is carried as banknotes, the safety is much less then those who get money from some sort of card.

And there are some examples to show this.

For instance, the U.

A.

E's dirt him is a currency that comes in very high bank notes.

The highest banknote is 1000 and this is more than 250 American dollars.

This is a lot of money, and if this money is stolen, or if some man copies this money and prince this money new, maybe some people will very quickly lose their money these problems are not apparent with E f t.

And so this system has shown many reasons that her better than cash.

Okay, that's the students supporting paragraph.

Now we're gonna go back and correct it together.

But I would like to just point out quickly thes students reasoning in this paragraph, which I think you will agree with me.

Oops is actually quite effective.

So, firstly, we know the student agrees that Elektronik of funds are more beneficial than banknotes.

And the reason the first reason they give to support this is in their topic sentence, which states that Elektronik money, it's safer, then banknotes.

That's what the student is trying to say in their opening sentence.

The problem is, is they you know, they write the sentence a little bit too long now.

The second thing that the student does in this paragraph is they give us an example to show how Elektronik money is actually safer than banknotes.

And the example they give us is the and Moratti Durham, which is available in large denominations.

So they give us an example of large dirt and denominations.

They mentioned that the dirt hem is available in a unit of 1000 which is they stated in U.

S.

Dollars, which is over 250 U.

S.

Dollars.

Most people would agree that's that's a pretty large denomination of paper money.

So they give this example, and they say that this is perhaps not a very safe way to carry money.

Okay, now, the third thing the student does is they provide a discussion of how this large denomination of cash is not safe.

So third thing is, they just They discussed the great discussion of how this large the nomination is unsafe.

Okay, so far, their reasoning is fine.

All of this makes sense.

The progression makes sense.

They closed the paragraph by showing how the points that they brought up in the paragraph and the example and the discussion support the thesis, which, as we know, is agreeing with the idea that electronic funds or better, more beneficial than banknotes.

So the four things student does is they.

He shows how at this point, who's that freeze uses e f T systems or better then banknotes systems.

Okay, these are the four points the four parts of this paragraph that student has included First Elektronik money is safer than banknotes.

That's the topic sentence.

Then they provide an example of large dirt hem denominations.

Thirdly, they provide us a discussion of how large denominations are unsafe.

Finally, they show us how this point proves the thesis that E F T systems are better than banknotes systems.

Now, as Faras reasoning goes, this student's paragraph is fine.

The reasoning behind all of the sentences are fine.

The problem is that the structure of the sentences themselves or difficult to understand so now keeping the students reasoning in mind.

Let's go back ends correct each of the sentences in this paragraph.

Okay, the first sentence reads.

Firstly, when money is carried, his bank notes, the safety is much less then those who get money from some sort of card.

And there are some examples to show this.

Now.

This sentence is needlessly long.

Let's just check how many words.

So in this one sentence alone, there were 30 words.

Just for argument's sake, I'm gonna check to see how long this paragraph is.

The paragraph is 100 and 10 sentences, which is almost half the length of your essay.

What's too long?

Sorry 110 words sentences.

Now, how can we rephrase this?

Basically, what we want to say is that banknotes are less safe then Elektronik funds.

We want to say this concisely.

We want to say this briefly.

So let's keep firstly and let's take out the rest.

Okay?

Now I'm going to say this as briefly as I can.

Carrying money as bank notes.

It is not safe as accessing funds via debit or credit card.

Okay, very simple.

So now anybody that reads this topic sentence will understand our point.

There will be no area where they feel unclear.

So now let's go to our example.

Now the student has written, for instance, the U A.

E is Durham is a currency that comes in very high banknotes.

The highest banknote is 1000 and this is more than 250 American dollars.

Now, the first thing that many of you will notice is that this is not one sentence.

It's actually two.

So here students should have included a full stop and started a new idea.

So basically, the student is arguing that the dirt him comes in a unit of 1000 which is equal to over 250 American dollars and that this is very high.

That is the students example.

So let's try rewarding, rewarding this part a little bit more briefly.

Now I'm gonna take both.

You know, we just mentioned these Air two sentences.

I'm gonna take both sentences away, and we'll try to restructure it in a different way.

Let's say the United Arab Emirates Durham issues denominations.

It's high as well.

Say 1000 then the equivalent, uh, more than 250 American dollars.

For instance, the United Arab Emirates Durham issues denominations as high as 1000 the equivalent of more than 250 American dollars.

Okay, the example is simple.

The example is clear.

Now we can place this as a coma, followed by the remaining idea.

Or, if you feel more comfortable, don't be scared of full stops.

Full stops are our friends.

We can use them to separate ideas and to make her points clear.

Now I know some students are probably wondering, why are we using this?

Is the equivalent more than turn with American dollars?

Why are we using digits?

And sure, some students are wondering if you decide to use digits in one part of your writing.

It's okay, as long as you use it in the remaining parts of your writing.

So, for example, if I read 1000 is a number here, I have to write 250 as a number here, not has not in writing.

Okay, Now, the students next since sentence is a discussion of this example and shows us how this example makes it clear that carrying cash carrying paper money is less safe, carrying money and his electronic funds.

Now, the student rates this is a lot of money.

And if this money is stolen, or if some man copies this money and prince this money new, maybe some people will very quickly lose their money.

Okay, Now, first thing I'm sure you've noticed is that the word money appears four times in this single sentence.

Uh, another thing that's kind of strange is that, uh, there's a reference made to some man.

I'm not exactly sure why.

Students, right?

This sort of thing, it's kind of awkward to rated, as is, uh, is a man or a woman.

I mean, we could say perhaps some person, but I'm not sure what the student means here.

It's very confusing sentence.

So what we want to state here is that cash as banknotes can be seen as less safe because of our example.

Okay, Now, um, I would like to be able to correct this sentence, but I think we're just gonna have to write a completely new one.

Let's keep some ideas.

Though.

The students mentions, uh, if the money is stolen or if the money is copied.

So, for example, if the money is counterfeited, if copies were made and distributed, then people could lose money quickly.

And that's only because the denominations of money are very high.

So in the event, dir him banknotes are stolen.

Four will say successfully, counterfeiter, large amounts of money could be lost rather quickly.

Okay, Now I'm gonna use a little cohesion and hear this.

This In the event during banknotes are stolen or successfully counterfeited.

Large amounts of money could be lost rather quickly.

Now, when you read this sentence, can you see how this sentence links back to our example and shows how the example proves that Tash, as paper money as banknotes, is not a secure as Elektronik money now the final sentence In this paragraph, the student links back to their thesis.

These problems are not appearance with E f T electronic funds transfer.

And so this system has shown many reasons that are better than cash.

Okay, this sentence is a little bit better than the other ones.

But still, there are some areas we would want to reword now, uh, this part in here.

These problems are not a parent.

I think the students reasoning is wonderful.

I think that there, the way that they have structured their ideas, is really quite strong.

So it's kind of sad that you know the way that they have decided tow word.

Their ideas is really what's holding them back in their writing.

Because the logic is fine.

The logic is there.

So the student is just simply saying that you know, the problems of having money stolen and of having money counterfeited is not really possible.

If the money exists, Elektronik Lee And if perhaps you need some sort of password or something to access it.

So they're saying because of this, it's clear that electronic money is better.

Then Now they use the word cash.

We probably won't use maybe a word like paper, money or bank notes.

Perhaps so let's try to to word this again.

I'm going actually, to take the beginning is okay, but let's let's try to change this.