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  • at the time is currently 11 18 PM It's past my bedtime.

  • I should be asleep by now.

  • But no, we'll make you video.

  • Long time no see, my friends.

  • Hello.

  • It's being a awhile haven't kept up with how long it's bean.

  • But it's been while I was thinking about just like posting a video.

  • Just pretending like this break never happened.

  • But, you know, I think we just go to talk about it a little bit.

  • And I will just tell you how I'm doing what's been going on in my life.

  • That will say, I'm gonna be eating this fruit while I do it.

  • Just a heads up about this fruit.

  • I got this fruit before at the same time that I got that other word for it.

  • That in bed that I ate in the in the weird fruit video that I did a while ago.

  • So this fruit is that old?

  • It is your memory march, possibly a five month old fruit.

  • Now, with this one, it was originally green, Uh, but over time I looked it up and it said to put it in a warm place and it will gradually ripened in turn orange, if you have it.

  • Well, it's unripe.

  • It tastes like a cucumber if you have.

  • Well, that's right.

  • Dinner.

  • What?

  • Tastes like pie.

  • A probably a passion fruit, I think Don't even know this cold thing.

  • It's a whole new melon, but, uh, yeah, we will be consuming this or not consuming this.

  • If it is rotten on the inside, where to begin?

  • Things have been pretty darn good.

  • Yeah, I've just been living life enjoying it.

  • I don't want to take your creative a little bit of modeling here in that, um, and not doing any youtube up.

  • See where the YouTube It's no, Like, I've made the decision to, uh, not film.

  • I've been meaning to film, but, uh, I just didn't happen.

  • Oh, wow.

  • Oh, wow.

  • That all right?

  • It smells on kind of sour.

  • And the thing is, I've had ideas for YouTube.

  • I had quite a few ideas.

  • I even have, like, a thing where I like going and write down my ideas and like, what stage that it's in.

  • But I've realized that I've been coming up with a lot of excuses.

  • How in the heck am I supposed to get all these out.

  • Oh, all right.

  • Oh, you like, huh?

  • That's such a sound.

  • Oh, God.

  • You hearing this?

  • No, but yeah, No matter what I do, videos just don't seem to happen.

  • And it's always my own brain getting in the way of myself.

  • I might actually just be a lazy human being, and I don't know how to have a work ethic and blah blah, blah, blah.

  • I'm sure it isn't like that, but, you know, maybe I am.

  • Maybe I just don't have the same work ethic.

  • Is other people, uh, who were in the same industries?

  • May.

  • I was watching this thing of the day about YouTube from a channel called Weezy.

  • Waiter.

  • I think it is.

  • And he says, like, videos need to have a purpose.

  • What is the purpose of your videos?

  • And I thought about that for a while, and I was like, Have I lost my Pappas right here?

  • I really haven't.

  • I get three poisoning from a five month old fruit like passion fruit, but a little less slimy on the outside.

  • Uh, no much flavor.

  • It's a little sow and like the faintest little bit sweet, But like belly, it does mainly taste like cucumber.

  • I mean, it's edible.

  • No worth having it on my desk for five months.

  • Edible there anyway.

  • Yes, purpose.

  • So I would like a film some videos as somebody who's ready to go.

  • And then I watched this video and it was like, What is the purpose of your videos you've been using?

  • You have purpose.

  • Nell's like man, what is my purpose?

  • And then all the purposes I could think I felt so shallow, like I have video soon coming out about how I got my straight poem redone and retouched.

  • It's an informative video.

  • The purpose is to tell people how I feel about the street poem and and if I would do it again, Is that purpose enough?

  • It feels shallow.

  • You get sick from eating unripe fruit.

  • Can't you know?

  • No.

  • The reason I keep eating is that feel like it's such a waste of my time to have worked on this for five months and then to not eat it.

  • So we'll also I've been thinking, what is my motivation to make videos?

  • Because I guess when I started making videos on when I first moved to Japan, I was actually a very lonely human being.

  • I was very incredibly deeply lonely, and I was very sad.

  • I was in these huge fluctuations of motion where I was like, Wow, I'm so happy.

  • This is the most beautiful, amazing place, and everything's crazy and new and fresh.

  • And then the evening, I'd be like, Oh, my God, I'm so alone.

  • I don't have anyone.

  • When are they gonna do with my camera?

  • Batteries just died.

  • S o I got my camera.

  • They were good together.

  • Let this be a lesson to everyone to always have your camera batteries charged.

  • Anyway, where was I?

  • It was like highs and lows.

  • All the title Iwas amazing.

  • Oh, well, really lonely.

  • And I don't know what to do on.

  • And yet that was the motivation and the driving force behind most or a lot of my videos, some of it.

  • The drive was also like, I'm in this new amazing place and I want experience it with with the camera as well.

  • Like, it was this kind of freshness to it.

  • And yeah, I've seen it for three years now.

  • And so that kind of freshness and want to to show everything to everyone is kind of It has kind of died down a little bit, but also, back then I was sad.

  • And now I'm not sad.

  • I'm in a very nice place in my life where I have a lot of stability.

  • When I moved countries, it was like, I don't know what's gonna happen.

  • I don't know what the next Yeah, it's gonna look like in my life or even the next, Like, six months.

  • Anything's up to change.

  • And now I have a good kind of stability where I kind of feel like I know what's gonna happen.

  • I've got a really good set of friends who are there to support me, no matter what I've got.

  • Eric, who's there to support me no matter what.

  • I've got a lot of good, stable relationships and work, and it's all good.

  • And so I'm not having these crazy, sad emotions anymore.

  • My hamster is awake.

  • Hawass.

  • She's running on a wheel.

  • I know she wants the lights off.

  • They'll be off soon.

  • I'm sorry.

  • It's past my bedtime, and it's past her wake up times she's getting ahead of the day, perhaps, is a nocturnal.

  • Just say no West.

  • My creative energy going.

  • I feel like a lot of my creative energy, especially through universities.

  • Well, old from these crazy bro emotions.

  • And now I'm like, pretty chill.

  • So, like, um, what do I do?

  • It's causing me to second guess a lot of my ideas because I feel like that very blend.

  • And they're very like Nora's.

  • Artistic is Emma could have bean back in the day or, uh, they just don't have much like substance to them.

  • They just quite normal ideas, which so this is my logical brain.

  • It's like Emma, that's totally fine.

  • Just do anything.

  • You can literally do anything.

  • It's your channel.

  • Is your life just like, uh, do something?

  • Do something.

  • Do something I'm other brains like, but I haven't done something in a while now.

  • It's been a while, and everyone's like, Oh, Emma's gone guests.

  • She's gone again.

  • I feel like the fruit was over too fast.

  • I'm gonna eat caramel instead.

  • What's that?

  • I don't need a caramel.

  • You just about to go to bed?

  • You're gonna have caramel fever dreams.

  • Bring it.

  • I've lost my sense of purpose.

  • Motivation with videos.

  • There you go.

  • What do I need to do to get around that or to work through that.

  • What is my new motivation of my new goals with YouTube?

  • Gonna be Is it money?

  • I don't think so.

  • Because, you know, when you look a YouTube, you can kind of tell whose motivation is solely money.

  • I mean, obviously, money has go to be a part of YouTube.

  • This is What's that saying?

  • Like, if you get a job doing something you love, you'll never work a day in your life.

  • That's wrong, because I think anything.

  • If you have to do it as a job, it will become a job.

  • Yeah.

  • Also, I just want to say that I don't want to stop making videos.

  • It's It's not that I'm like, I'm not burnt out because I haven't been making video.

  • I'm just lazy.

  • No, not lazy.

  • Maybe I'm lazy.

  • Maybe I'm lazy.

  • I don't know, but yeah, this isn't a bone out.

  • Do not worry about my mental health.

  • I'm, like, pretty pretty good.

  • Um, I just I need the motivation to make videos, and I miss it.

  • I miss making videos on this.

  • Like, if I miss it, why am I not doing it?

  • I'm doing it right now.

  • But why did it take me so freaking long to do this?

  • I do still have a very, very strong sense of imposter syndrome.

  • All through my veins is, uh, terrible.

  • But, you know, like a lot of people have it.

  • I'm sure maybe you as a viewer having post this injured too.

  • Um and that does like it holds me back, and it makes me stressed about things that aren't really is well, Part of me is like, Why are people still watch me?

  • Also part of me is like, you know, numbers.

  • The one thing that gets to me about YouTube is numbers.

  • Any time I even wanna like, I have to go through the analytics page to get anywhere.

  • I don't want to see that.

  • I don't want to see analytics.

  • Do you guys know if there's a way that I can turn off analytics so I don't see that that's tough, because in order to do anything on YouTube, I always feel like I have to go through analytics to do anything.

  • And then I go in there and it's like a little red arrow going down.

  • Oh, you can see this little graph and it's going down.

  • I just know that numbers don't feel good.

  • I know that if I posted more and I worked harder, I would get more reward.

  • So why don't I do it?

  • I don't know.

  • Ever ask if they're fit?

  • I have to sneeze.

  • I think I know that.

  • Some comments gonna be like, if you don't like you to just stop doing it, man.

  • Don't force yourself.

  • Don't force yourself.

  • I like it like you.

  • I want you to every day like a ridiculous night.

  • I love you too.

  • And I see things that people do and like, Wow, I want to do that.

  • But I just gotta figure, you know, Internet is a crazy crazy place.

  • And part of me is like, why don't I want to keep posting on a place where I I don't really get it?

  • It's like I put in the most effort.

  • You know, the mushroom would a lot of comments telling May Bohun looks like you got fat.

  • Or like Demas, we needs to use some dry shampoo in a greasy ass hair.

  • Oh, are you know, this Commons, It's like whatever was like I couldn't just, like, not had that in my life, and that's fine.

  • I had my eyes.

  • So many.

  • YouTube is I have so many successful, hardworking friends, and I'm like, Holy crap, how do you do it?

  • How do you have that motivation in that Guster and that energy in the like a man, I think a little about you, to your friends.

  • It's like they do YouTube, and that's That's the thing they do what real damn hot it and they at it.

  • They filmed, upload bill and upload post on social media.

  • And I don't do that, leaving the comments down below.

  • Is she lazy or other outside problems?

  • I think that there are outside problems, but I also think that I'm lazy, and I also think that I've never really learned how to work that hard in my life.

  • Well, if that's the case, what's going to stop me from being lazy or what's gonna help me learn how to work hard?

  • Is it going to be like a crisis point or crisis situation where it's like I have no support?

  • I gotta work hard to make it work?

  • Is that gonna have to happen to me for me to learn a lesson or is this gonna be enough?

  • Is this gonna be my magical there?

  • We talked to my lens to my friends, to my audience, and then everything gets better out of there.

  • I know anything.

  • 24.

  • Now that's still like a baby.

  • I don't know.

  • It was gonna be a resolution to this video, but every rule.

  • I'm fine with having a good time being working on other things, being neglecting YouTube.

  • Sorry about that, Love.

  • Tigers still love my palm It so good.

  • I don't know what my motivation is with my goals, All for YouTube.

  • Don't want to stop doing you to really enjoy YouTube.

  • Just need to figure it out.

  • I got some new video is coming out.

  • I'll see you soon also.

  • I still straight straight.

  • Three days a week on twitch.

  • If you want to take me on talking to travel on twitch is a good time.

  • I talked more like this, I guess.

  • Maybe not like this.

  • I'm boy rhythm casual, casual on twitch.

  • If you guys have any ideas for videos that you would like to see for me, please let me know in the comments down below because hey, maybe I'll see one like heck, yeah, That's the kind of stuff that I want to do.

  • Anyway, that's it from May this weird evening talk.

  • Uh, I'm disappointed in the fruit, but the caramel was delicious.