I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF

2020.

AND SO FAR, WE'RE NOT DOING TOO WELL ON THE NEW YEAR'S

RESOLUTION OF "DON'T GO TO WAR WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND

NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD RESPOND.

IT'S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT,

AND NOW WE'RE STARRING AT THOSE THREE LITTLE DOTS.

THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE

COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13 SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE-- ALSO

KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH'S DOZEN.

U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO

STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN LEADER.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO THE EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE

IN THE UNITED STATES.

WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE?

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A

NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND STABILITY.

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S THE GENERAL!

GET OUT OF THERE, SIR!

TRUMP ISN'T REAL HAPPY ABOUT IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH

HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME

MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY GRUMPY EPISODE OF: "CHAIR CHAT!

>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE

OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO REGRETS.

>> HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH.

THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A VACATION.

THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN

BAGHDAD.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND THAT'S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP,

BECAUSE HE WASN'T STAYING AT ONE OF MY HOTELS."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN'S

CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT BACK...

KIND OF SORT OF.

>> THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR PEOPLE.

THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR PEOPLE.

THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND

THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO

VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL

HERITAGE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.

( AS TRUMP ) "I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST

ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL COHEN.

IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME.

THOSE TWO GUYS-- THEY'RE GONNA, THEY'RE GONNA...

WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO

PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK HERITAGE.

>> WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION

PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT.

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF THEM.

I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME TO THINK OF IT.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE:

RIZZO.

FRENCHY.

DANNY ZUKO.

♪ TELL ME MORE TELL ME MORE

♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR?

TELL ME MORE ♪ TELL ME MORE

LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR?

♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> COME ON, MAN.

GET INTO IT!

>> Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD WITH IRAN, BUT DON'T WORRY,

THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ.

ON SUNDAY, IRAQ'S PARLIAMENT VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN

TROOPS.

SO IRAQ SAID, "GET OUT."

AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE...

OKAY.

EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT

SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES

FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ.

BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP

GENERAL SAID THE LETTER SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD

WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A "MISTAKE."

OOPSA-TROOPSY!

THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE

PRESS WAS A DRAFT.

IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL MEMORANDUM.

YOU CAN'T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT'S LIKE SAYING, "HONEY, THAT BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS

FOLDER.

NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED."