THE VIRUS.

CHURCHILL DOWN PUSHED THE DERBY BACK FOUR MONTHS FROM MAY 2 TO

SEPTEMBER 5.

THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME IT WON'T BE RUN ON THE FIRST

SATURDAY IN MAY.

>> WELCOME, RACE FANS, TO CHURCHILL DOWNS.

THIS IS CURT CANTER COMING TO YOU QUARANTINED FROM THE

ANNOUNCER BOOTH, DRUNK ON MINT JULEPS AND LOOKING AT AN EMPTY

RACE TRACK.

THAT'S RIGHT-- I'M ALL ALONE WITH ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND

FEELINGS TO KEEP MY COMPANY, AND MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE

LINING UP AT THE GATE.

LET'S GO DOWN TO MY MIND TRACK.

♪ ♪ ♪ AND THEY'RE OFF!

GENERALIZED ANXIETY IS QUICK OUT OF THE GATE.

FOLLOWED BY FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

AND PRONE TO PANIC IN THIRD.

AND HERE COMES DOES THIS COUGH MEAN ANYTHING?

DOES THIS COUGH MEAN ANYTHING ON THE OUTSIDE TRACK.

AND WHAT'S THIS?

CHARGING FROM THE BACK OF THE PACK, MAYBE THIS WILL ALL JUST

BLOW OVER COMING ON STRONG.

MAYBE THIS WILL ALL JUST BLOW OVER CHALLENGING FOR THE LEAD.

OH, MAYBE THIS WILL ALL JUST BLOW OVER HAS BUCKED ITS RIDER

AND IS RUNNING THE OTHER WAY.

AND IT'S GENERALIZED ANXIETY BY THREE LENGTHS.

GENERALIZED ANXIETY TAKES THE ROSES.

THOUGH IT'S PROBABLY ALLERGIC.

FROM ALL OF ME AT CHURCHILL DOWNS, I'M GOING TO NEED ANOTHER

MINT JULEP.

>> IT'S A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.

TONIGHT, CANCEL CULTURE!

GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE AND MUSICAL GUEST NATHANIEL

WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'.

AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> Stephen: OH, HI.

WELCOME TO MY PERCH UP IN THE BREEZE.

ON MONDAY, IT WAS WATER.

YESTERDAY, IT WAS FIRE.

SO TODAY, IT'S "THE LIGHT SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLB-AIR."

I'M ALSO UP HERE AMONG THE TREES, BECAUSE I READ ON

FACEBOOK THAT VIRUSES ARE AFRAID OF STAIRS.

THEY'RE LIKE COWS OR DONALD TRUMP.

WE HAVE A NEW MONOLOGUE FOR YOU TONIGHT.

THE REST OF TONIGHT'S EPISODE WAS PREVIOUSLY RECORDED IN THE

BEFORE-TIMES.

THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS CONTINUES TO BE EVERYWHERE.

AFTER TRUMP MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT NOT BEING IN WEST

VIRGINIA, LAST NIGHT WE FOUND OUT THAT WEST VIRGINIA IS THE

50th STATE TO REPORT A CORONAVIRUS CASE.

SO NOW WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

NO RED STATES OR BLUE STATES-- JUST 50 ANXIOUS PALE STATES.

THIS IS A CRISIS THAT WE HAVE TO FACE TOGETHER...

BY STAYING AS FAR APART AS POSSIBLE.

LOCAL GOVERNMENTS ALL OVER AMERICA ARE PLACING RESTRICTIONS

THEIR CITIZENS' MOVEMENTS.

YESTERDAY, FLORIDA'S GOVERNOR ANNOUNCED THAT BEACH PARTIES

SHOULD BE LIMITED TO GROUPS OF 10 PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS WHEN FLORIDA STARTS ENFORCING RULES.

REMEMBER, THEIR STATE MOTTO IS "CAN YOU HUFF THIS?"

ONE OF THE HOT ZONES IS NEW YORK CITY, AND YESTERDAY, MAYOR

BILL de BLASIO TOLD NEW YORKERS TO GET READY FOR THE WORST.

>> I THINK THE RIGHT GUIDANCE TO GIVE ALL NEW YORKERS IS

EVEN THOUGH A DECISION HAS NOT BEEN MADE BY THE CITY OR BY THE

STATE, I THINK NEW YORKERS SHOULD BE PREPARED RIGHT NOW FOR

THE POSSIBILITY OF A SHELTER-IN-PLACE ORDER.

>> Stephen: "SHELTER IN PLACE" MEANS THAT NO ONE IS ALLOWED OUT

OF THEIR RESIDENCE, EXCEPT FOR ESSENTIAL TRIPS TO GROCERY

STORES AND PHARMACIES.

OR AS ONE NEW YORKER PUT IT: >> "I CAN'T BE WALKIN' HERE!"

I CAN'T BE WALKING HERE.

YOU SON OF A BENEFICIARY ITCH.

UP YOURS.

>> Stephen: SHORTLY AFTER THAT, GOVERNOR CUOMO'S OFFICE

RESPONDED WITH THIS STATEMENT: "ANY BLANKET QUARANTINE OR

SHELTER-IN-PLACE POLICY WOULD REQUIRE STATE ACTION, AND AS THE

GOVERNOR HAS SAID, THERE IS NO CONSIDERATION OF THAT FOR ANY

LOCALITY AT THIS TIME."

MAYOR de BLASIO, GOVERNOR CUOMO, THE NATION IS IN CRISIS.

THIS IS NO TIME FOR A PISSING MATCH.

YOU SHOULD BE SAVING YOUR URINE IN JARS, JUST LIKE THE REST OF

US.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, RIGHT?

I READ IT ON FACEBOOK.

BUT THERE ARE SOME OFFICIALS WHO AGREE WITH EACH OTHER, LIKE

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM, WHO SAID YESTERDAY,

"I DON'T THINK THE SCHOOLS ARE GOING TO OPEN AGAIN."

AND THAT WAS CONFIRMED BY SECRETARY OF EDUCATION ALICE

COOPER IN HIS STATEMENT: ♪ SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER

SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER ♪ ♪ NO MORE TEACHERS, NO MORE--

OH, WE'RE BACK.

DESPITE THE CORONAVIRUS, YESTERDAY, THERE WERE THREE

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES IN ARIZONA, ILLINOIS, AND FLORIDA, AND JOE

BIDEN WON ALL THREE.

STRANGELY, NOT THAT BIG A STORY TODAY.

IT'S LIKE THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO OLD MEN PLAYING "MONOPOLY" WHILE

THEIR HOUSE BURNS DOWN.

TECHNICALLY, SOMEBODY WON, BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT WE'RE

TALKING ABOUT THE NEXT DAY.

IT WAS A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BUTT KICKING.

BIDEN WON FLORIDA BY ALMOST 40 POINTS.

HE DOMINATED IN EVERY MAJOR FLORIDA DEMOGRAPHIC: SENIORS,

SNAKE OWNERS, METH ADDICTS, SENIOR METH ADDICTS.

SNAKES.

IN ALL, BIDEN HAS NOW WON 19 OF THE LAST 24 STATE PRIMARIES.

BUT SINCE WE'VE ALL BEEN BUSY PAYING ATTENTION TO MORE URGENT

MATTERS, YOU MAY HAVE MISSED ALL THE OTHER THINGS BIDEN HAS

WON RECENTLY, LIKE "THE BACHELOR," THE NEW PALTZ COUNTY

FAIR PIE-EATING CONTEST, BEST SALSA ALBUM AT THE LATIN

GRAMMYS, THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW, AND HE SUCCESSFULLY

GUESSED WHICH STATION PLAYS THE MOST HITS...

KXCO, WITH "T-BONE AND MANGOAT IN THE MORNING."

I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT MANGOAT.

I READ ON FACEBOOK THAT THERE'S A MAN-TO-GOAT TRANSMISSION.

NOW, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF SPECULATION THAT BERNIE

SANDERS IS GOING TO DROP OUT NOW, AND TRUMP WEIGHED IN THIS

MORNING, TRYING TO ENRAGE THE BERNIE BUNCH:

"THE D.N.C. WILL HAVE GOTTEN THEIR FONDEST WISH AND DEFEATED

BERNIE SANDERS, FAT AHEAD OF SCHEDULE."

YES, "FAT AHEAD OF EQUAL."

ANOTHER MISTYPING BY A MAN WITH VERY FAR FINGERS.

HE'S NOT THE FIRST TO MAKE THIS TYPING ERROR.

I MEAN, I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THAT THE ORIGINAL

OPENING OF STAR WARS WAS "A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY

FAT, FAT AWAY."

WE'VE ALL BEEN READING A LOT OF SCARY RUMORS ONLINE YESTERDAY

BUT THERE WAS ONE POSITIVE ONE YESTERDAY.

>> FIRST I DID NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT, BECAUSE WATCHING THE

FILM ITSELF FELT LIKE GETTING YOUR BUTTHOLE CUT.

TURNS OUT, A TWITTER USER POSTED THAT HE HAD A CLOSE FRIEND WHO

WORKED ON "CATS," AND "HIS ENTIRE JOB WAS TO REMOVE C.G.I.

BUTTHOLES THAT HAD BEEN INSERTED A FEW MONTHS BEFORE."

WHICH MEANS THAT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE EXISTS A BUTTHOLE

CUT OF "CATS" STARRING JAMES CORNHOLE,

DAME JUDI STENCH, SIR IAN McSMELLIN',

AND, OF COURSE, ANUS ELBA.

GET WELL SOON, ANUS.

OF COURSE, THIS STORY SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE, AND FANS STARTED

DEMANDING THE "CATS SPHINCTER EDITION," WITH THE HASHTAG

"RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT."

EVERYONE JOINED IN WITH THIS DEMAND: CELEBRITIES, FAMOUS

DIRECTORS, EVEN LIAM NEESON: >> RELEASE THE BUTT HOLE!

>> Stephen: BUT THIS DEMAND COULD APPLY TO ANY MOVIE.

I WANT THE BUTTHOLE CUT OF "AVENGERS"!

THAT'S THE REAL ENDGAME!

CORONAVIRUS HAS BEEN THE ONLY THING ON ANYONE'S MIND FOR DAYS

NOW.

BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT IT, LIKE JARED LETO,

AND THIS IS TRUE-- WHO ONLY YESTERDAY BECAME AWARE

OF CORONAVIRUS AFTER RETURNING FROM A 12-DAY ISOLATED

MEDITATION TRIP.

MAN, IT MUST SUCK TO RETURN FROM ISOLATION ONLY TO HAVE TO FIND

OUT YOU HAVE TO GO BACK INTO ISOLATION, ESPECIALLY SINCE

LETO'S LAST ENTRY IN HIS VISION JOURNAL SAID, "DAY 12 OF

ISOLATION.

CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK AND SPEND TIME WITH GROUPS OF TEN OR MORE

PEOPLE WHILE WE KISS ON THE MOUTH.

BUT FIRST STOP IS THE STORE.

I'M ALL OUT OF TOILET PAPER!" I'M SURE THERE ARE OTHERS OUT

THERE CUT OFF FROM THE NEWS, AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE,

LET ME CATCH YOU UP ON THE MOST IMPORTANT STORIES OF OUR

LIFETIMES.

THERE MIGHT BE A BUTT HOLE EDITION OF CATS.

FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE IN MANHATTAN,

PULLING TOGETHER THE BIGGEST STORIES OF THE DAY, BROADCAST-

QUALITY CAMERAS, AND A PROFESSIONALLY LIT THEATER TO

BRING YOU THE MONOLOGUE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SELF-QUARANTINE, PUT MY iPAD ON

TOP OF A PLANT STAND, SIT ON MY BACKPORCH, AND

DELIVER THE SLAPDASH, WEB-STREAMING LO RES MANIFESTO

OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!

MEANWHILE IS GOING TO SOLVE EVERYTHING.

HERE WE GO.

OF COURSE, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL SELF-SEQUESTERING, ALL OF

"MEANWHILE" IS NOW MY MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT

"QUARANTINE-WHILE."

AN OREGON POLICE DEPARTMENT IS ASKING RESIDENTS TO STOP CALLING

911 BECAUSE THEY'VE RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

YES, IF YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER, DON'T DIAL 911.

THE NUMBER FOR THAT IS 922.

POLICE SUGGESTED THAT IF YOU DO RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER-- AND

THIS IS TRUE-- YOU COULD USE RECEIPT PAPERS, NEWSPAPERS, OR

CLOTH RAGS.

YES, NEWSPAPERS.

AND THEY SAID PRINT IS DEAD.

ALTHOUGH, I GET MOST OF MY NEWS ONLINE, SO I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE

NEWS FOR MY iPAD.

THE POLICE DEPARTMENT EVEN EXPLAINED THAT "SEAMEN USED OLD

ROPE AND ANCHOR LINES SOAKED IN SALT WATER."

AND WHEN YOU WIND UP WITH SALTY TWINE SPLINTERS WHERE THE SUN

DON'T SHINE, THEN YOU CALL 911.

THOUGH I'VE GOT TO SAY, THEY'RE OVERLOOKING THE CLEAREST

SOLUTION TO THIS TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE: JUST HAVE THE EDITORS

OF "CATS" DIGITALLY REMOVE YOUR BUTTHOLE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S IMPORTANT IN THESE DARK TIMES TO TAKE IT

EASY ON OURSELVES AND RECOGNIZE THIS IS NEW FOR EVERYONE, AND

WE'RE ALL GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES, LIKE THIS WOMAN WHO

REALIZED SHE'S BEEN WASHING HER HANDS WITH A BLOCK OF CHEESE.

HEY, DON'T JUDGE HER UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED HER MAC N' IRISH

SPRING.

IT WAS AN EASY MISTAKE.

SHE EXPLAINED "THE CHEESE HAD BEEN LEFT OUT ON THE COUNTER

AND HAD DRIED OUT," ADDING, "I AM HOUSESITTING AND HIGH AS

HELL."

DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN BABYSIT.

( AS IF STONED ) "HEY!

WELCOME HOME!

THE CHEESE IS ASLEEP, THE KIDS ARE ON CRACKERS, AND I ATE

ALL YOUR SOAP.

I AM HIGH AS HELL!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, BROOKLYN NETS

PLAYER KEVIN DURANT HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS,

AND NOW AT LEAST SEVEN N.B.A.

PLAYERS ARE KNOWN TO HAVE TESTED POSITIVE.

I GOTTA SAY, THAT'S A SUSPICIOUS ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

AS ONE REPORTER TWEETED, "DEAR BROOKLYN NETS, HOW DID AN

ENTIRE BASKETBALL TEAM OF ASYMPTOMATIC PEOPLE GET TESTS IN

NEW YORK, A PLACE WHERE TESTING IS IN SUCH SHORT SUPPLY?"

THAT'S ACTUALLY THE C.D.S.'S FAULT.

THEY ACTUALLY PUT ALL THE CORONAVIRUS TESTS ON A VERY HIGH

SHELF.

MEANWHILE, THE SEX INDUSTRY IS BEING AFFECTED BY THE PANDEMIC.

"MANY PORN ACTORS ARE AVOIDING CONTACT WITH OTHER PERFORMERS

AND SUFFERING FINANCIALLY IN THE PROCESS."

UNFORTUNATELY, PEOPLE AREN'T FLOCKING TO THE NO-CONTACT ADULT

FILMS LIKE: "DEBBIE DOES DISTANCING," AND

"DEEP SWAB."

ONE ADULT DANCER IN A HIGH-END STRIP CLUB SAID, "IF YOU'RE IN A

PRIVATE ROOM AND SOMEONE IS CARRYING CORONAVIRUS, YOU WILL

INVARIABLY GET SICK.

I GUESS YOU COULD TRY TO DANCE STRATEGICALLY, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN

GET IT IF SOMEONE COUGHS ON YOUR BUTTHOLE."

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING, I THINK WE ALL JUST WANT

TO GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY EVERY TIME

EVERY TIME SOMEONE COUGHED ON YOUR BUTTHOLE.

THAT'S WHY ANUS ELBA HAD HIS REMOVED. REMOVED.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACTOR, GOVERNOR, AND ROBOT ASSASSIN

FROM THE FUTURE, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER POSTED A VIDEO TO

TWITTER OF HIS SELF-ISOLATION WITH A DONKEY AND A MINI

HORSE.

>> WE DON'T GO OUT.

WE DON'T GO TO RESTAURANTS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT ANYMORE HERE.