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  • - Trevor Noah here.

  • Right now, we don't know

  • when we're gonna go back to the studio.

  • We don't know if we're gonna go back to the studio.

  • And I don't think any of you know any different.

  • Coronavirus has changed everybody's lives.

  • And so, what we've decided

  • is to try and make The Daily Show from homes.

  • Not just my home, but everyone's home,

  • so the producers, the writers,

  • the directors, the graphic producers.

  • We're all just gonna chill at home

  • and use the technology we have to try and make a show.

  • So, I know a lot of people have said,

  • "Hey, we still wanna watch The Daily show,

  • "we still wanna be informed,

  • "we still wanna catch up on the news

  • "without having to watch 24 hours of CNN,"

  • and I don't blame you for that.

  • So, that's what we're gonna be doing.

  • So, let's get into it.

  • Today we're gonna be chatting about coronavirus, obviously.

  • It would be weird if was like,

  • "Today, we're gonna be chatting about

  • "infrastructural development in ... "

  • No.

  • So, we're gonna be chatting about coronavirus.

  • We're gonna be talking about

  • the U.S. border with Canada being shut down.

  • We're gonna talk about NBA players getting tested.

  • We're gonna chat about how people

  • need to stop going to the ER,

  • because you're actually hurting everybody who needs it.

  • So, let's get into that and more

  • in our very first Daily Show Social Distancing Sh--

  • No.

  • Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • That's it.

  • The Daily Social Distancing Show.

  • (dynamic music)

  • - [Announcer] From Trevor's couch in New York City

  • to your couch somewhere in the world,

  • this is The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah.

  • - All right, y'all.

  • Let's kick it off with the big news of the day.

  • The coronavirus has officially surpassed 200,000

  • confirmed cases worldwide, which is pretty insane,

  • 'cause right now, that means corona's

  • running around the world like those penguins

  • at the aquarium, doing whatever it wants.

  • It's actually funny when you think about it.

  • Like, you know when you watch that video of the penguins?

  • We always think that, if humans were off the planet,

  • then there would be no zoos.

  • But then, when I watch that video, it made me realize

  • animals would make zoos for other animals.

  • Like the penguins would be like,

  • "And this is the polar bear.

  • "He used to hunt us.

  • "How things have changed."

  • Anyway, I'm not telling you the news of corona

  • surpassing 200,000 to make you sad.

  • All right?

  • I'm just keeping you up-to-date with what's happening.

  • We all gotta be informed.

  • Now, just because coronavirus cases are going up

  • in the world, please, that shouldn't make you more sad,

  • because there is a lot of encouraging news

  • coming out from all over the world.

  • For instance, just today, just today

  • there was a story that came out of Italy,

  • where a small town of about 3,000 people

  • tested everyone in the town, and then they just

  • kept track of everyone who had coronavirus

  • and who was giving it to who,

  • and they got the cases of coronavirus down to zero.

  • So, it shows you that's basically what we need to do.

  • All right?

  • We need to test as many people as possible.

  • And I know, if you live in New York, you're probably like,

  • "Yeah, but, Trevor, that town only had 3,000 people in it.

  • "That's how many roommates I have."

  • But still, it shows that the key

  • to stopping coronavirus is testing.

  • What's scary about testing, though,

  • is that the cases are gonna go up,

  • 'cause the more people we test,

  • we're gonna discover more people have coronavirus.

  • But at least we'll know how many people have coronavirus.

  • You know?

  • It's like today, we just found out

  • that four Brooklyn Nets players, NBA players,

  • have coronavirus, including Kevin Durant.

  • Yeah.

  • So, now the Nets have coronavirus,

  • the Jazz have coronavirus, the Pistons have coronavirus.

  • It's going around to all of the NBA teams,

  • except the Knicks, because not even corona

  • wants to be on the Knicks.

  • Now, the White House keeps trying to reassure people

  • that more tests are coming,

  • but every time Trump tries to calm the nation down,

  • I feel like he does the exact opposite.

  • - We are all in this together,

  • and we'll come through together.

  • It's the invisible enemy.

  • But we're going to defeat the invisible enemy.

  • - [Reporter] Your credibility ratings are very low.

  • There's a recent NPR poll--

  • - Who are you asking that question?

  • - I'm asking--

  • - 'Cause I see that they're very high.

  • - Why do you keep calling this the Chinese virus?

  • Why do you keep using this?

  • All of people say it's racist. - 'Cause it comes from China.

  • It's not racist at all.

  • No, not at all.

  • It comes from China.

  • That's why.

  • - There are some, at least one, White House official

  • who use the term "kung flu," referring to the fact

  • that this virus started in China.

  • My question is,

  • do you think that's wrong? - Kung flu?

  • - Kung flu.

  • And do you think using the term Chinese virus,

  • that puts Asian Americans at risk,

  • that people might target them? - No, not at all.

  • No, not at all.

  • I think they probably ...

  • would agree with it 100%.

  • - You know Trump is the only person

  • who could hold a press conference about a pandemic

  • and then turn it into a fight about racism.

  • Who does that?

  • Like, who does that?

  • The guy comes out there like, "Let's stay calm, folks.

  • "So calm, everybody."

  • And then, five minutes later, he's like,

  • "Kung flu is a term of respect.

  • "Ask any Asian. (speaking in foreign language)

  • "Kung flu." (speaking in foreign language)

  • Focus.

  • This is where you need presidential.

  • This is one of those moments where I wish ...

  • I wish Obama could come back, you know?

  • I wish Barack Obama could--

  • Not as president.

  • I'm not trying to mess with the Constitution.

  • I'm just saying they should hire Obama

  • to handle press briefings.

  • You know?

  • 'Cause whether you agree with his policies or not,

  • you have to admit Barack Obama did his thing.

  • He knew how to calm everybody down.

  • He'd just come out and be like,

  • "All right, everybody.

  • "This is what's gonna happen.

  • "We're gonna get the ...

  • "testing.

  • "All the kits.

  • "We're gonna isolate the virus.

  • "We're gonna beat this thing.

  • "We're gonna isolate the virus,

  • "and we're gonna beat this thing.

  • "In the meantime, if you want something comforting

  • "to binge at home.

  • "A lot of people are watching TV.

  • "If you want to watch something,

  • "you can watch the first eight years of my presidency.

  • "That's a rerun that never gets old.

  • "The best part is in season two,

  • "when I go after Bin Laden.

  • "Spoiler alert: he doesn't make it."

  • Actually, I feel like Obama

  • takes so long to finish a sentence,

  • it might make social distancing fly by.

  • Like, right now we're like,

  • "Oh, we're gonna be in here for months."

  • If Obama speaks, "We've gotta ...

  • "We gotta ...

  • "be safe."

  • And we're like, "Wow, it's August already.

  • "I guess we can go outside now.

  • "Thanks, Obama."

  • Now, Trump held another presser today,

  • where he said that America and Canada

  • are closing their border to non-essential travel.

  • Yeah.

  • And that actually made me kinda feel bad for Trump,

  • because he's finally getting the border shutdown

  • he always wanted.

  • It's just happening with the wrong country, you know?

  • Which sucks for him.

  • It's kinda like wishing for more vacation days,

  • but then get fired.

  • You sort of get what you want, but it's not the same.

  • And so, from now on, only essential travel,

  • only essential travel is allowed into Canada from the U.S.

  • So, stuff like government business, trade,

  • and your boy's bachelor party in Montreal,

  • but that's it, nothing else.

  • See you there, Brandon.

  • And like ...

  • You know, I just wonder if this is gonna work.

  • 'Cause you know Canadians are so polite,

  • I bet if you showed up at the border,

  • they'd still let you in.

  • They'd be like, "Oh, gosh, I'm really not supposed to,

  • "eh, Trevor, but I can't say no to new friends.

  • "Come on in, eh?"

  • I don't even know if that was a Canadian accent,

  • to be honest.

  • I don't even think I remember a Canadian--

  • I feel like I ...

  • I haven't been around people for so long,

  • I don't know what any accent sounds like.

  • That could be Canadian.

  • For all I know, all the accents in my head are wrong.

  • Maybe it's been that long.

  • This corona self-distancing,

  • it's gonna be making up random accents that are incorrect.

  • "Yeah, so sorry about, about that.

  • "Yes, welcome to Toronto.

  • "Yes, I'm Canadian.

  • "Yes, yes.

  • "Sorry, yeah.

  • "But, but.

  • "Oh, you want maple syrup?"

  • Oh, one other thing I wanna mention.

  • Doctors need our help right now.

  • Yes, doctors need our help.

  • Because there are many stories coming out

  • that a lot of young people, especially in New York,

  • have been going to emergency rooms,

  • looking for a corona test when they don't have

  • serious symptoms, and the hospitals are overwhelmed.

  • They can't handle that.

  • Like, I know.

  • I know that they've shut down the bars,

  • so maybe you think the ER's the hot new hangout,

  • but it's not, people.

  • Yes, they have alcohol, but it's rubbing alcohol.

  • It's not the same thing.

  • When you go to an ER, and it's not an emergency,

  • you're overloading the system.

  • You're overloading the hospitals.

  • You're taking care away form the people

  • in really desperate situations.

  • So if you're feeling sick but it's not that serious,

  • just self-isolate for a few days.

  • This is not from me, by the way.

  • This is what the CDC has told us to do.

  • If you're feeling sick, stay at home,

  • self-isolate for a few days, and you see if you get better.

  • All right?

  • Emergency rooms are like flights on Spirit Airlines.

  • You should only go there as a last resort.

  • Spirit Airlines.

  • Thanks to corona, we're not the worst anymore.

  • All right.

  • I've been alone in this apartment for a few days.

  • I could use some human conversation,

  • so let's call up Roy Wood, Jr.

  • and see what he's up to with the magic of technology.

  • (ringing)

  • Yo, Roy!

  • What's goin' on?

  • - Yeah.

  • Yo.

  • How's it goin' over there, man?

  • - I've missed your face, man.

  • This is fun.

  • - I'm all right, man.

  • I'm doin' okay over here.

  • My three-year-old flushed a full bar of soap

  • down the toilet, so for about 14 hours

  • we didn't have nowhere to take a du--

  • Like, you ever had--

  • pray you don't have to take a dump,

  • 'cause you know you can't ta--

  • Like, this is the worst time to need another bathroom.

  • Other than your-- - Wait.

  • Wait, so your son flushed soap down the toilet?

  • - Not soap, don't say soap.

  • It's a bar of soap.

  • A whole ass bar of soap, brand new,

  • and it got clogged in the corner.

  • So I went on Twitter asking questions

  • and somebody-- - But why didn't you just--

  • Yeah, so why didn't you just pull it out?

  • - 'Cause it's down under there.

  • You know, the toilet, the turd goes down, up, and down.

  • When a turd goes-- - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • It's that thing.

  • Okay, yeah, that thing.

  • - So the soap was there.

  • So I couldn't get ...

  • - Right.

  • - So I had to ...

  • Hanger, I tried-- (child yelling)

  • - Is that him?

  • - Yeah, man.

  • (laughing)

  • - You know, dude, the only thing worse than coronavirus

  • is having coronavirus shutdown and kids at the same time.

  • I have never been happier to not have a child in my life.

  • (laughing)

  • - He just yells for no reason.

  • (laughing)

  • - Does he even understand what the shutdown is?

  • Does he understand self-distancing.

  • - He think this is spring break.

  • He keeps waking up, he goes, "School?"

  • And I go, "No school."

  • And he goes, "Yeah, no school!"

  • And then I make grilled cheese sandwiches all morning.

  • Grilled cheese and apples every morning.

  • - Man.

  • I feel sorry for you.

  • I'm sorry.

  • - How you doin'?

  • - I'm good, I'm great.

  • I won't lie.

  • Like, I mean, I'm worried about people.

  • I don't know where the world is going.

  • I'll tell you, the biggest stress I have

  • is that I don't know if I have corona or not,

  • 'cause you don't show symptoms,

  • so I don't know if I have it.

  • What if I already had it, and then like,

  • maybe I don't have it anymore.

  • Do you know what I mean?

  • And then like, I'm immune, I could be in the streets.

  • But now I don't know, because I haven't,

  • 'cause I can't get tested.

  • You can't get tested unless you really show symptoms,

  • so I don't know.

  • So, yeah, that's the only frustrating thing for me.

  • - It's like a lot of famous people are getting tested.

  • That's what it seems like.

  • Seem like what you need to do,

  • you need to do what I'm gonna do.

  • I'm joining the NBA.

  • That's how I'm gonna get my test.

  • I already thought about this.

  • I already ordered a jersey and everything.

  • - That doesn't, I don't even know ...

  • What are you saying?

  • - If you want to get tested for corona, join the NBA.

  • NBA show symptom, they test 'em immediately.

  • They tested all of the Utah Jazz.

  • They tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder.

  • When it first-- - Oh yeah.

  • Yeah, the Brooklyn Nets, I think,

  • what, four players got tested.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Oh, no, four players were confirmed.

  • Yeah, they tested everybody.

  • - Yeah.

  • So, if you want to get a test ...

  • I've been lookin' on the TV,

  • all I see are these corona tests

  • and people lining up at 6:00 in the morning.

  • The testing doesn't start til 9:00.

  • You don't even up that early for Jordans.

  • You get to the mall a hour before it opened for Jordans.

  • And people are there four hours.

  • That's how dire this is.

  • - That's like the new ...

  • The way you just said it makes it sound

  • like corona testing is gonna be the new swag.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Like rappers are gonna be in their videos

  • like, "Yeah, got that corona test.

  • "Got all corona tests."

  • - Yeah, with a (garbled speech)

  • mask on. - Bugattis and corona tests.

  • - With a N95 mask on they face.

  • (laughing)

  • Hey, hey, you ain't got my mask.

  • Bitch I got the mask. - Got that corona test.

  • Yo, yo, corona.

  • Wait, but now ...

  • But now, if you say celebrities get it,

  • then how come we haven't gotten the test?

  • - I think this is ...

  • If there's ever a time to confirm

  • whether or not you an A-list celebrity ...

  • - Wow.

  • - This is the time.

  • 'Cause if you look at the celebrities that's got it,

  • top shelf.

  • Idris Elba.

  • - Tom Hanks. - Tom.

  • They're people that are bonafide stars.

  • - Wow.

  • - If you're doin' Hallmark movies, you might not get a test.

  • They might just not ...

  • I'm nervous.

  • I'm gonna be honest.

  • This is myself included.

  • (laughing)

  • You might be good.

  • - Oh, man.

  • I haven't gotten the test, though, so I mean ...

  • - I'm saying, if we was both in line to get the corona test,

  • and the swab lady came down the line,

  • she's be like, "Oh, Trevor Noah, come."

  • And I'd be like, "What about me?"

  • And she's be like, "No, Anthony Anderson.

  • "I don't watch Black-ish."

  • (laughing)

  • That's what would happen.

  • - Oh, man!

  • Oh, dude.

  • I hope you're wrong.

  • I hope you're wrong.

  • I heard too many people are trying to get the test,

  • so maybe that's a good thing.

  • I don't know.

  • Or maybe they should say every NBA player/movie star

  • that gets tested has to bring

  • a friend to get tested with them.

  • Maybe that's how we get the thing to everybody.

  • - I probably should wear--

  • I got more baseball gear in my house than basketball.

  • And I know that for sure I have enough

  • to make three-fourths of a Chicago Cubs uniform.

  • I have a hat, I have a glove,

  • I have a jersey, I have cleats.

  • I just need pants.

  • - And who are you gonna be on the team?

  • When they say, "Oh, you play for the Chicago Cubs?"

  • who are you gonna say you are?

  • - They probably won't believe I play baseball

  • 'cause I'm black.

  • It ain't but eight of us left.

  • So, I probably gotta learn Spanish

  • and trick 'em in to thinking I'm Dominican.

  • I don't--

  • Look, I'm just hoping that we continue to remain

  • alone together and that I don't get any symptoms.

  • (child yelling)

  • - Is that ...

  • - Hey, let me go, man.

  • - Is everything okay?

  • - This boy, man.

  • I'm sorry.

  • - Roy, what's going on?

  • - I'm sorry.

  • Ay!

  • Stop eatin' the toilet tissue!

  • This boy's eatin' toilet tissue.

  • That's like eatin' money.

  • That's actually worse than eatin' money.

  • Ay, eat this $20 bill.

  • Don't do that.

  • - Roy, are you ...

  • All right, I'll chat to you later.

  • (Roy screams)

  • Uh, all right, cool.

  • Thanks, Roy.

  • I'll chat to you tomorrow.

  • If your kid's not eating more toilet paper.

  • Oh, speaking of kids eating toilet paper,

  • before we go, school, in America specifically,

  • is where millions of kids get their lunch every single day.

  • But with many schools closed down right now,

  • these kids could use our help.

  • So if you can help, please,

  • if you can donate anything right now.

  • I know it's hard, but if you can,

  • please go to nokidhungry.org and give what you can.

  • You can help children get a meal.

  • It might be their only meal of the day.

  • And if you want to help in New York City specifically,

  • please go to cityharvest.org.

  • In times like this, we all need to pull together

  • and help out however we can, because it's gonna be a ride,

  • and the only way we can make this journey

  • a little more tolerable is if we travel on it together.

  • Wow, that was deep.

  • I just made that up.

  • That was powerful.

  • So, yeah.

  • That's The Daily Social Distancing Show for today.

  • I'm Trevor Noah.

  • Stay out there, stay safe.

  • Please, distance yourself socially,

  • but connect with each other digitally.

  • And I'll catch up with everybody tomorrow.

  • But before we go, here it is, your moment of zen.

  • - [Reporter] This Los Angeles grocery store

  • also offering special hours for seniors.

  • - We have a package for you.

  • - [Reporter] And in Chicago, a non-profit putting together

  • and delivering care packages to seniors in need.

  • - This is something that's gonna affect everybody.

  • We just have to do a better job of recognizing

  • the humanness or the Americanness of each of us,

  • and if we're gonna rise outta this, we gotta do it together.

- Trevor Noah here.

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