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  • What's up, everybody?

  • Today I wanted to sit here and turn on the camera and talk to you guys about some really serious subjects, some issues that I have been dealing with for a long time and just have a one on one with you guys.

  • This video is something that I feel like I owe to my entire audience.

  • Through the last 10 years, I have lived my life on social media, which is really crazy to think about.

  • It's been a really long journey from being a little musician on a little website to my career now, and as I sit here, I realized that I have a bigger platform sometimes.

  • Then I realized myself and there are millions of people out there that watch me that know about my life that followed my story, and I feel like it's time that I get out a little bit more of my story.

  • And this video is mainly about something that is a really fucked up subject that I've had to dealt with for a long time, and it concerns old videos that were filmed at me 12 years ago.

  • Now I want to go on the record and say that.

  • I know there's a lot of people out there that love and support me.

  • There are millions of you that watch my videos that are out there and that support me.

  • But there's also other people out there that do not like me.

  • And that's okay if you do not like what I'm about.

  • If you hate me, if you despise me, if you're not into what I'm about, you do not need to watch this.

  • But I would really appreciate if you could listen to my story and what I have to say with an open mind.

  • And I think from human being to human being fuck YouTube.

  • Fuck all the bullshit.

  • Fuck the makeup, Everything that we are so consumed with past all the fun tutorials past, everything I want to speak to you as a human being that breathes on this Earth with you.

  • And lately, not lately.

  • For the last few years, as I have joined the YouTube community, I have been, uh, definitely subjected to a lot of drama.

  • And I get it.

  • You know, I am a hot topic.

  • I have always been out spoken.

  • I am.

  • You know, someone that looks different, and I realized that with all of that is going to come the negative.

  • Obviously the positive is so unreal.

  • But the negative can be very, very dark and ugly.

  • And every time that I get into an online and, you know, conflict or confrontation or some crazy feud, whether it's with my ex best friend or a celebrity or other YouTubers, a lot of stuff from my past constantly gets dragged up.

  • It's been happening for years in these videos.

  • I say some really disgusting, vile, nasty and embarrassing things.

  • And you know what's fucked up?

  • The past can never be erased.

  • It is always going to be there, and my past has been recorded.

  • It's been video.

  • It has been exploited all over the Internet, and I'm sitting here and those videos were 12 years ago and and I look at them and I see them resurface and it just makes me sick to my stomach because I don't know who that person waas.

  • I know who I am today.

  • I know exactly the person I am today, but I do not know who that person waas the person that said those horrible, vile things.

  • That person was depressed.

  • That person was just angry at the world.

  • That person felt like they were not accepted.

  • That person was seeking attention.

  • I was someone that loved to seek attention when I was younger, I loved the shock value.

  • I loved fighting anger with anger and I didn't know any better.

  • And does that make it okay?

  • Absolutely not.

  • I want to look everyone in the eyes and let you know that everything that you have seen is so just wrong.

  • It's upsetting.

  • It's nasty.

  • It really makes me sick to my stomach toe wash those old videos because what I was saying is not what I represent.

  • I think that racism is a very serious subject, especially in today's world.

  • I'm embarrassed as a person because that is not what I've ever stood for.

  • I am all about self expression, self worth, self love, and I think it's awful that you guys have to see me and that light because I don't ever want that to take with a message that I have always been about.

  • So I want to sit here and I have talked about this before on my space back in the day, I have addresses on Snapchat.

  • I have talked about this on Twitter in the past, but that is not good enough because for everyone out there that supports me that believes in me, I owe you the truth.

  • And I owe you an apology.

  • I am so sorry for my words.

  • I am so sorry for everything that I've said in my past.

  • I can never turn back time and take those moments away.

  • They happened.

  • I have owned up with them and I have lived with it for a long time.

  • And every time that they get re dragged up, it just makes me just sad because I don't know who that person waas.

  • I think it's really important to share that growing up.

  • I have always been a guy in makeup.

  • I started wearing makeup in 10th grade and the world was not how it is today.

  • 10 years ago, there were no guys to make up on YouTube.

  • There was no men in makeup parading the streets.

  • There was no people like me, and I was very alone and I was also fearless.

  • I did not care that the world was not accepting me.

  • I knew that I loved makeup.

  • I know why I was attracted to makeup.

  • I come from a family of chaos, alcoholism and abuse.

  • And when I discovered makeup, that was my happy place.

  • I got to go and go playing makeup for hours and escape the horrible reality that was my life and my shitty fucking parents and my crazy upbringing.

  • And, you know, 10 years ago when I left the house, I wish it was like today.

  • I think that people don't realize how it really Waas and I would leave the house and people would spit on me.

  • They would scream faggot at me.

  • They would scream, freak, and they would degrade me every single day And what I do I fought back with rage and looking back, I am 31 years old now and looking back at that person who had just graduated high school, who had turned 18 turned 19 and then was just out into the world, I was emotionally abused.

  • Every time that I left the house, people did not accept me.

  • I would be walking down the street.

  • People would scream shit out their car every single day.

  • I felt like a piece of shit.

  • So What did I do?

  • I fought back with anger.

  • I fought back with rage and it's wrong.

  • I want to set an example for the youth and the future in front of me.

  • And I want to go on record and let you know that that is not okay.

  • Just because someone insults you, It is not okay to fight back with sometimes bucks.

  • How we handle things were human beings.

  • And I think that at the end of the date, people forget past the money, the cars, the clothes.

  • I am just one tiny little person on this earth trying to make a better life for me and my family.

  • And I am nowhere near perfect.

  • I am literally the furthest thing from perfect.

  • I make mistakes every day, but I have learned from them and the intent behind my words back then.

  • It was not about race.

  • Racism does not live inside of me.

  • I don't even know what the fuck like I don't know how that exists into people.

  • I said really horrible, vicious things back to people toe hurt them, tow, harm them to shock them, and to let them know that you're gonna call me something.

  • I'm gonna cut you back so hard and make you feel like a piece of shit because you made me feel low and that is not okay.

  • It is not okay to fight words with words like that.

  • And I have been subject to a lot of stuff recently.

  • The last two years has been so difficult.

  • It's also been such a blessing.

  • I have never had this much success in my career and all of you out there that have supported me like I will never be able to thank you enough for the gift you have given me.

  • But I also think that it's really important to share things and let you know that I'm not perfect.

  • I'm wrong all the time, you know?

  • And even recently when people were saying some fucked up shit to me or tryingto get a reaction, I do give in.

  • I am weak.

  • I am weak.

  • I'm selfish.

  • I have anger problems.

  • Sometimes I lash out when people lash out at me.

  • Still to this day, when someone wants to try me or start something, I'm the 1st 1 that's like What bitch?

  • You want to try me?

  • Let's go.

  • I've called people stupid.

  • I've called people rats.

  • I've called people annoying.

  • I've called people every name in the book when they attack me back because it's hard not to react sometimes.

  • And I think that people forget, you know, maybe once in a while the average person will hear an insult.

  • But when you were online, the bullying and the extreme hate that can come your way, it is really hard to deal with.

  • It is hard to log on, and every day there are people saying you're great And then there's people telling you you're in AIDS infested fag and you look like a fucking horse and you should kill yourself.

  • Those are things that I have to read every day and mentally process them as OK.

  • This is how someone feels about me.

  • Great.

  • Can I, you know loosely every night worrying about it.

  • No, I can't.

  • But I need to be learn to just process it and get out my anger some other way and not even respond to people.

  • And let's go back to 12 years ago because so many people I have heard rumors or they've seen a clip and they don't see the full spectrum.

  • And I am so sorry that any of you ever had to see me like that.

  • It makes me want to just I don't know.

  • It makes me wanna erase myself.

  • Sometimes I look at that and I'm just like, I can't believe I used to be that miserable and that unhappy.

  • So I wantto let you guys know that I am so sorry for ever saying those things that does not represent anything.

  • How I feel that is not who I am.

  • And I apologize deep down to the core of my fucking being and that person does not exist anymore.

  • I'm all about trying to bring awareness to self expression and love, and I want all of you guys to learn from my mistakes.

  • If you take one thing away from his video, please do not make the same mistakes that I did.

  • And I also want to say that I know that there are millions of people out there.

  • There are people watching this right now that are judged by what they believe in by who they are, by how they look by the color of their skin.

  • And I am just one in a 1,000,000 that has to deal with these type of prejudices every single day.

  • So I don't want you to see an old video of me and be like, Wow, Jeffrey says this.

  • But he's really about this and it's It's embarrassing because I don't want to tarnish what I stand for right now.

  • And we have come a long way with human rights we have in the last 10 years.

  • You guys, it is crazy how life used to be and how it is now.

  • But there are still so much.

  • There's just so much growth toe happen.

  • This world is still so dark and miserable and there are so many crazy things happening that I don't know if everyone fully realizes what it is to be different.

  • Life is too short.

  • You guys, I cannot spend every day thinking about my past.

  • I have moved forward.

  • I know what I stand for now and I want to be a better person.

  • I want to be a better person from the person that was last week.

  • I want to learn and grow and I think that is what's most important for all of us.

  • I don't want to deal with anger.

  • and rage and drama anymore.

  • I just feel like it's just so unhealthy and eats away at you and whether it's a little online feud with the makeup brand or it's with an ex friend or it's with this.

  • I'm just tired of feeding into it.

  • And I am a victim of that.

  • You guys I know perpetuated stuff.

  • I have fueled fires and it's just wrong and I don't want to continue that behavior.

  • I should be setting an example.

  • And I have been completely doing the opposite over the last few years, and all of this is just I think it's come to a point where this video is necessary.

  • Not just about me, but but I want everyone to learn from me and my wrongs when you're being attacked or someone is pulling, you are hurting you.

  • It's okay to defend yourself.

  • It's okay to respond, but be careful of how you respond, because how I handled things was not okay and you never know how it is going to affect another person.

  • And I know so many of you deal with the shit on the daily basis.

  • But remember what you say to the next stranger could affect them in ways that you do not know.

  • You just got to stay strong and realized that hurting someone else back is never gonna satisfy you.

  • I had an empty avoid all through my early twenties.

  • I didn't know who I was.

  • I was always angry.

  • I never you know, I never felt really accepted.

  • And I I was always alone.

  • And if you have those feelings that's okay, you will overcome them.

  • But it's going to take time, and it's going to take a lot of self analyzation, and you have to want to change and you have to want to grow.

  • I know what I need to work on and fighting with people online and all this bullshit is so unhealthy, and it's something that I'm going to completely stop.

  • You know, I get people that try to get a reaction from me all the time, whether they make a video about me, whether they talk about my relationship, whether they degraded, how I look, Um, it's hard to process sometimes and like, deal with, you know, and I'm not gonna fit into any more.

  • I am not going to feed the fire of hate with hate.

  • I just think it has to stop.

  • You know, I don't know what it is.

  • Over the last three years, I just feel like I'm on a whole another level of real happiness.

  • I never let myself experience happiness.

  • In my early twenties, happiness was something that was foreign to me.

  • And I don't know whether it's from being in love or being in a relationship or actually achieving all my goals that I ever wanted when I was little.

  • But I have never been this happy.

  • And I don't want other people and outsiders to affect my happiness on guy have to stop letting them.

  • So this is my story.

  • This is what I've been wanting to say to you guys for a long time.

  • If you are still listening Thank you for listening.

  • It means something to me that I don't know how to explain.

  • I don't want to sit here and try tone.

  • Thank you guys so much.

  • No, but thank you just for listening and hearing me out because you don't have to.

  • You conjugate me and say fuck him forever.

  • And that's okay.

  • You're allowed to have whatever thoughts you want.

  • But if you are listening to this Thank you.

  • I love you guys.

What's up, everybody?

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A2 初級

種族主義。 (RACISM.)

  • 8 0
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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