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  • FOLK, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, THIS IS NO SECRET:

  • I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE TAKING THE RAW LUMBER OF THE

  • DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, PLANING AND GRADING IT INTO FINE PLANKS

  • AND CRAFTING IT INTO THE BESPOKE LOUIS QUATORZE ARMOIRE THAT IS

  • MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO JUST SWEEP UP THE SHOP SHAVINGS,

  • BREAK UP SOME PARTICLE BOARD AND INDUSTRIAL WOOD PULP WASTE,

  • GRIND ALL THAT UP AND TREAT IT WITH A SPECIAL CHEMICAL RESIN

  • TO CREATE THE VOMIT-ABSORBING SAWDUST COMPOUND OF NEWS THAT IS

  • MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Stephen: MEANWHILE.

  • THAT COULD FIGHT CORONAVIRUS.

  • THIS COULD CURE IT.

  • IT COULD.

  • MEANWHILE, A JAPANESE COMPANY THAT SPECIALIZES IN

  • GAMING-CENTRIC FURNITURE HAS RELEASED A BED DESIGNED

  • SPECIFICALLY FOR VIDEO GAMERS.

  • UNSURPRISINGLY, THE GAMER BED DOES NOT COME IN A VERSION THAT

  • FITS TWO PEOPLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • MEANWHILE, THE CORONAVIRUS HAS MADE ITS WAY TO OUR

  • "MEANWHILES," SO I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO SEQUESTER THE INFECTED

  • STORIES AND KEEP THEM SEPARATE FROM THE OTHERS IN A NEW

  • "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT, "QUARANTINE-WHILE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER A

  • FALSE RUMOR CIRCULATED ONLINE, THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT HAD TO

  • RELEASE A STATEMENT CLARIFYING THAT "COCAINE WILL NOT PROTECT

  • YOU FROM COVID-19."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHY DID THEY THINK IT WOULD?

  • THAT'S CLEARLY JUST FRENCH PEOPLE JUSTIFYING THEIR VICES.

  • ( AS SMOKING FRENCHMAN ) "BUT, CHERIE!

  • I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH CLAUDETTE!

  • EET EEZ THE ONLY THING ZAT CUREZ MY ECZEMA!"

  • BACK TO MEANWHILE.

  • VISITORS TO NEW YORK CITY CAN NOW "SEE WHAT NEW YORK LOOKS

  • LIKE FROM THE EDGE: A SKY DECK WITH A GLASS FLOOR,

  • 100 FLOORS UP."

  • WOW, A GLASS-BOTTOMED DECK 100 FLOORS UP.

  • OR AS STREET-LEVEL PERVERTS CALL IT...

  • A CHALLENGE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • MEANWHILE, A LUFTHANSA FLIGHT FROM FRANKFURT TO BREMEN

  • WAS FORCED TO CIRCLE OVER THE AIRPORT AWAITING LANDING

  • CLEARANCE, SO THE PILOT DECIDED TO "USE THE FLIGHT PATH TO

  • CREATE A BIG PENIS PICTURE IN THE SKY."

  • WOW.

  • >> Jon: SKILLFUL.

  • >> Stephen: THAT LOOKS HARD.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO CASE

  • REPORTS RECENTLY PUBLISHED IN THE "JOURNAL OF STUDIES ON

  • ALCOHOL AND DRUGS," "A WOMAN TOOK 550 TIMES THE USUAL DOSE OF

  • L.S.D., WITH SURPRISINGLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES."

  • "IN SEPTEMBER 2015, THE WOMAN TOOK 55 MILLIGRAMS OF WHAT SHE

  • BELIEVED WAS COCAINE BUT WAS ACTUALLY 'PURE L.S.D. POWDER

  • FORM.'" THAT'S GOTTA BE A SHOCK WHEN

  • YOU'RE EXPECTING A COCAINE HIGH, BUT YOU ARE INFORMED OF YOUR

  • MISTAKE BY YOUR OWN SHOE.

  • "WHAT?

  • I SNORTED WHAT?!

  • WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS LACED WITH SOMETHING?

  • YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LACED WITH SOMETHING!

  • LOOK, JUST CALM DOWN.

  • WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!

  • WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!

  • DON'T FREAK OUT!

  • BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL MY HAIR."

  • AND IT WAS QUITE A RIDE.

  • AFTER DROPPING ENOUGH ACID TO TAKE DOWN A RHINO, "THE WOMAN

  • BLACKED OUT AND VOMITED FREQUENTLY FOR THE NEXT 12 HOURS

  • BUT REPORTED FEELING 'PLEASANTLY HIGH' FOR THE 12 HOURS AFTER

  • THAT-- STILL VOMITING, BUT LESS OFTEN-- AND "ACCORDING TO HER

  • ROOMMATE, SHE SAT MOSTLY STILL IN A CHAIR, EITHER WITH HER EYES

  • OPEN OR ROLLED BACK, OCCASIONALLY SPEAKING RANDOM

  • WORDS.

  • TEN HOURS LATER, SHE WAS ABLE TO HOLD A CONVERSATION."

  • I ASSUME THAT CONVERSATION WAS "SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR

  • THE LAST 34 HOURS?

  • OH, WIPING PUKE OFF ME?

  • YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

  • NOW, WHERE'S MY COCAINE?

  • I HEAR IT CURES CORONAVIRUS!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • SO JUST WHAT WERE THESE "SURPRISINGLY POSITIVE

  • CONSEQUENCES?" THE WOMAN "NOT ONLY SURVIVED,

  • BUT FOUND THAT THE FOOT PAIN SHE HAD SUFFERED FROM SINCE HER 20s

  • WAS DRAMATICALLY REDUCED."

  • "YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • NOW STOP-- LISTEN UP!

  • LISTEN!

  • LISTEN UP, YOU!

  • STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

  • ARE YOU A COP?

  • YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A COP."

  • MEANWHILE, IN COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS, FOR HER 75th BIRTHDAY,

  • DOLLY PARTON WANTS TO BE ON THE COVER OF "PLAYBOY."

  • GOOD FOR HER!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S GOING TO SELL A LOT

  • BETTER THAN THE "PENTHOUSE" SPREAD OF WILLIE NELSON.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HANK AZARIA.

FOLK, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, THIS IS NO SECRET:

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