I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE TAKING THE RAW LUMBER OF THE

DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, PLANING AND GRADING IT INTO FINE PLANKS

AND CRAFTING IT INTO THE BESPOKE LOUIS QUATORZE ARMOIRE THAT IS

MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO JUST SWEEP UP THE SHOP SHAVINGS,

BREAK UP SOME PARTICLE BOARD AND INDUSTRIAL WOOD PULP WASTE,

GRIND ALL THAT UP AND TREAT IT WITH A SPECIAL CHEMICAL RESIN

TO CREATE THE VOMIT-ABSORBING SAWDUST COMPOUND OF NEWS THAT IS

MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: MEANWHILE.

THAT COULD FIGHT CORONAVIRUS.

THIS COULD CURE IT.

IT COULD.

MEANWHILE, A JAPANESE COMPANY THAT SPECIALIZES IN

GAMING-CENTRIC FURNITURE HAS RELEASED A BED DESIGNED

SPECIFICALLY FOR VIDEO GAMERS.

UNSURPRISINGLY, THE GAMER BED DOES NOT COME IN A VERSION THAT

FITS TWO PEOPLE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE, THE CORONAVIRUS HAS MADE ITS WAY TO OUR

"MEANWHILES," SO I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO SEQUESTER THE INFECTED

STORIES AND KEEP THEM SEPARATE FROM THE OTHERS IN A NEW

"MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT, "QUARANTINE-WHILE.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER A

FALSE RUMOR CIRCULATED ONLINE, THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT HAD TO

RELEASE A STATEMENT CLARIFYING THAT "COCAINE WILL NOT PROTECT

YOU FROM COVID-19."

( LAUGHTER ) WHY DID THEY THINK IT WOULD?

THAT'S CLEARLY JUST FRENCH PEOPLE JUSTIFYING THEIR VICES.

( AS SMOKING FRENCHMAN ) "BUT, CHERIE!

I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH CLAUDETTE!

EET EEZ THE ONLY THING ZAT CUREZ MY ECZEMA!"

BACK TO MEANWHILE.

VISITORS TO NEW YORK CITY CAN NOW "SEE WHAT NEW YORK LOOKS

LIKE FROM THE EDGE: A SKY DECK WITH A GLASS FLOOR,

100 FLOORS UP."

WOW, A GLASS-BOTTOMED DECK 100 FLOORS UP.

OR AS STREET-LEVEL PERVERTS CALL IT...

A CHALLENGE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE, A LUFTHANSA FLIGHT FROM FRANKFURT TO BREMEN

WAS FORCED TO CIRCLE OVER THE AIRPORT AWAITING LANDING

CLEARANCE, SO THE PILOT DECIDED TO "USE THE FLIGHT PATH TO

CREATE A BIG PENIS PICTURE IN THE SKY."

WOW.

>> Jon: SKILLFUL.

>> Stephen: THAT LOOKS HARD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO CASE

REPORTS RECENTLY PUBLISHED IN THE "JOURNAL OF STUDIES ON

ALCOHOL AND DRUGS," "A WOMAN TOOK 550 TIMES THE USUAL DOSE OF

L.S.D., WITH SURPRISINGLY POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES."

"IN SEPTEMBER 2015, THE WOMAN TOOK 55 MILLIGRAMS OF WHAT SHE

BELIEVED WAS COCAINE BUT WAS ACTUALLY 'PURE L.S.D. POWDER

FORM.'" THAT'S GOTTA BE A SHOCK WHEN

YOU'RE EXPECTING A COCAINE HIGH, BUT YOU ARE INFORMED OF YOUR

MISTAKE BY YOUR OWN SHOE.

"WHAT?

I SNORTED WHAT?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS LACED WITH SOMETHING?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LACED WITH SOMETHING!

LOOK, JUST CALM DOWN.

WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!

WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!

DON'T FREAK OUT!

BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL MY HAIR."

AND IT WAS QUITE A RIDE.

AFTER DROPPING ENOUGH ACID TO TAKE DOWN A RHINO, "THE WOMAN

BLACKED OUT AND VOMITED FREQUENTLY FOR THE NEXT 12 HOURS

BUT REPORTED FEELING 'PLEASANTLY HIGH' FOR THE 12 HOURS AFTER

THAT-- STILL VOMITING, BUT LESS OFTEN-- AND "ACCORDING TO HER

ROOMMATE, SHE SAT MOSTLY STILL IN A CHAIR, EITHER WITH HER EYES

OPEN OR ROLLED BACK, OCCASIONALLY SPEAKING RANDOM

WORDS.

TEN HOURS LATER, SHE WAS ABLE TO HOLD A CONVERSATION."

I ASSUME THAT CONVERSATION WAS "SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR

THE LAST 34 HOURS?

OH, WIPING PUKE OFF ME?

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

NOW, WHERE'S MY COCAINE?

I HEAR IT CURES CORONAVIRUS!" ( LAUGHTER )

SO JUST WHAT WERE THESE "SURPRISINGLY POSITIVE

CONSEQUENCES?" THE WOMAN "NOT ONLY SURVIVED,

BUT FOUND THAT THE FOOT PAIN SHE HAD SUFFERED FROM SINCE HER 20s

WAS DRAMATICALLY REDUCED."

"YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW STOP-- LISTEN UP!

LISTEN!

LISTEN UP, YOU!

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

ARE YOU A COP?

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A COP."

MEANWHILE, IN COUNTRY MUSIC NEWS, FOR HER 75th BIRTHDAY,

DOLLY PARTON WANTS TO BE ON THE COVER OF "PLAYBOY."

GOOD FOR HER!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S GOING TO SELL A LOT

BETTER THAN THE "PENTHOUSE" SPREAD OF WILLIE NELSON.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HANK AZARIA.