THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF PRESIDENT TRUMP APPEARS TO BE

COMING TO AN END.

UNFORTUNATELY, NO NEW WITNESSES WERE CALLED AND THERE WERE

UNPRECEDENTED RESTRICTIONS PUT ON THE PRESS CORPS.

SO WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED

BEHIND-THE-SCENES.

THANKFULLY, AN OLD FRIEND CALLED ME UP AND OFFERED TO GO TO D.C.

AND BRING BACK AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT FROM THE HALLS OF THE

SENATE.

OF COURSE, I COULDN'T TURN DOWN AN OFFER LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY

WHEN IT COMES FROM ONE OF THE MOST DISTINGUISHED JOURNALISTS

I'VE EVER MET, TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TONIGHT, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE THAT WE PRESENT TRIUMPH'S

EXCLUSIVE REPORT!

JIM?

>> HERE IN THE NATION'S CAPITOL, OUR LEADERS HAVE GATHERED FOR

THE SOLEMN PROCESS OF VOTING ALONG PARTY LINES.

MANY REPUBLICANS HAVE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE LENGTH OF THESE

HEARINGS AND HAVING TO SIT IN THE CHAMBER FOR SO MANY HOURS

WITHOUT HAVING A SPINE TO SUPPORT THEM.

( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM HAS BEEN

PARTICULARLY INCONVENIENCED, AS HE WAS SCHEDULED TO HAVE

ATTENDED A SCRAPBOOKING CONVENTION WITH THE OTHER

ELDERLY WOMEN OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE TAKING THE SUBWAY TO THE

CAPITOL, THE LEGISLATORS TALKED TO THE PRESS HERE.

RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE TALKING TO SENATOR RICHARD BLUMENTHAL FROM

CONNECTICUT, ONE TO HAVE THE RICHEST SENATORS.

HE'S WORTH $100 MILLION -- OR AS DONALD TRUMP CALLS IT, A BILLION

DOLLARS.

( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WE'RE LOOKING AT THE

CAMERAMEN WHILE THEY'RE WAITING.

THIS GENTLEMAN IS FROM, UH, CBS.

AND THIS MAN HERE, YOU'RE CNN.

AND RIGHT HERE, I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE FOX.

YOU ARE FOX.

( LAUGHTER ) A CHECK'S A CHECK.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GET IT.

>> I THINK IT'S INCREASINGLY LIKELY THAT OTHER REPUBLICANS

WILL JOIN -- >> HEY, MITT!

I'M A DOG JOURNALIST!

CAN I GET A RIDE HOME ON YOUR ROOF?

( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR GRAHAM, I SAW THE VIDEO

OF YOU WANTING WITNESSES AT CLINTON'S IMPEACHMENT IN THE

'90s.

WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF AND KEEP THAT

HAIRCUT?

( LAUGHTER ) OH, MY GOD!

LEV PARNAS!

LEV, YOU'RE MY FAVORITE HENCHMAN!

I'M GOING TO DO SOME HENCHING.

I GORE WITH YOU?

>> HE HAS REPUBLICANS.

MANY OF US WERE NOT GIVEN PRESS CREDENTIALS, BUT THIS

REPORTER WILL NOT BE DENIED.

HOW YOU DOING?

COMING THROUGH.

>> YOU CAN'T COME HERE.

I'M THEORY REPORT ON THE VERY IMPORTANT WASTE OF TIME GOING ON

IN THE CHAMBER.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE ACCESS.

NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND -- I'M AN

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER.

LOOK, I HAVE A SCOOP.

>> I CAN'T LET YOU IN.

NO, NO, LISTEN TO ME -- DONALD TRUMP WAS MORE FAMILIAR

WITH LEV PARNAS THAN PEOPLE REALIZE.

LOOK, THAT'S TRUMP'S DRIVER'S LICENSE.

AMERICA NEEDS TO SEE THIS!

>> I CAN'T LET YOU IN, SIR.

OKAY, I GUESS I CAN'T BE HERE.

MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE CAN COME.

>> HEY!

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M CHAD PENNINGTON.

I'M A CORPORATE LOBBYIST FOR BIG PHARMA.

YES.

NO, I'M VERY COZY WITH THE SENATORS.

THEY NEED ME IN THERE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

LOOK.

LOOK WHAT'S IN MY SUITCASE, OKAY?

CHECK IT OUT.

HERE.

( LAUGHTER ) ADDERALL, IN REGULAR OR

PRESIDENTIAL STRENGTH.

AND THEN I ALSO HAVE ANTI-DEPERESSENTS FOR THE

DEMOCRATS AND ANTI-SEMITES FOR STEVE KING.

YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THIS!

HI!

I HAVE A 1:00 WITH MR. DERSHOWITZ!

I AM HIS PERSONAL MASSEUSE!

MY NAME THE OLGA!

HEY!

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.

I AM HERE TO CLEVER PIZZA FOR THE SENATE.

THIS ONE HERE IS VERY IMPORTANT.

IT HAS EXTRA GARLIC TO PROTECT SENATORS FROM RUDY GIULIANI.

>> NOBODY ORDERED PIZZA.

( LAUGHTER ) >> HI.

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU A, UH, SENATOR?

>> NO, I'M A MEMBER OF THE HOUSE.

>> YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THE 100 SENATORS?

>> NO, I'M ONE TO HAVE THE 435 FROM BACK THERE.

>> OKAY.

I'M ABOUT 20% AS EXCITED, THEN.

WITH UH BUT WE'VE HAD A NICE, SERIOUS CONVERSATION AND I'VE

REALLY ENJOYED IT.

NOW, CAN YOU GET ME IN?

>> I'LL DO MY -- ALL RIGHT.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BUY THIS COSTUME.

GIVE ME ONE SECOND.

I'M GOING TO CHANGE.

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

>> HI.

NO ONE ALLOWED.

>> I AM JOHN BOLTON, EXCUSE ME.

I AM JOHN BOLTON, I AM A FORMER AMBASSADOR, FORMER IRAQ WAR

CREATOR, AND CURRENT AUTHOR OF MY NEW BOOK "THE ROOM WHERE IT

CRAPPENED."

>> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE ON THIS FLOOR.

>> OKAY, JUST PLAY ALONG.

I'VE GOT THE BACKUP, OKAY?

>> OKAY.

I'M JOHN BOLTON'S DOG.

HERE.

COME IN.

COME IN.

HERE.

HERE'S THE REAL JOHN BOLTON.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

, CONGRESSMAN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

>> YOU FOOLED HIM.

PULL ON HIS MUSTACHE.

SMELL HIS MUSTACHE, IT SMELLS EXACTLY LIKE DICK CHENEY'S ASS.

( APPLAUSE ) I WAS UNABLE TO GET IN BUT

APPARENTLY SENATORS ARE PASSING BUT THE BOWELS FOR ANOTHER PHOTO

OPPORTUNITY.

SENATOR, ANOTHER QUESTION, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY

WHO SAW THE MOVIE "CATS" ALONE?

( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, WE ARE SITUATED BY

THE SENATE OFFICES.

WITH NEW EVIDENCE PILING UP, REPUBLICANS ARE WORKING

TIRELESSLY TO IGNORE ALL OF IT.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN FIND.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MISH MISH'S

OFFICE/TERRARIUM.

( LAUGHTER ) MITCH!

MITCH!

COME OUT!

COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL, MITCH!

( LAUGHTER ) COME ON!

JUST POKE YOUR HEAD OUT!

JUST POKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR SHELL!

( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE LETTUCE!

( LAUGHTER ) OH, BOY.

( LAUGHTER ) ( KNOCKING )

TED!

COME ON!

IT'S YOUR OLD PAL!

I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS!

YOU'VE GOT A REAL SHOT IN 2024!

THE LATEST POSTS SAY YOU'RE ONLY 3% BEHIND THE WUHAN VIRUS!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TED!

OKAY.

WE'RE COMING TO SENATOR MICHAEL B. ENSY OF WYOMING.

AND WE'RE MOVING ON.

( APPLAUSE ) IT'S FRIDAY.

THERE'S NOTHING REALLY ELSE TO DO BUT SCREW WITH PEOPLE.

HERE WE GO.

LINDSEY!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

OVER HERE!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

LINDSEY, PLEASE!

NO, NO, NO!

OKAY!

I LEAVE!

I GO!

>> MISS JONES, I THOUGHT THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE AND THE WAY

SOME OF THE WOMEN WERE TREATED, BUT HAVING SAID THAT, I ACCEPTED

THE VERDICT -- >> BIND YOU!

-- THE SENATE AND THE CLOUD HAS BEEN LIFTED.

SO -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> -- THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, BUD.

>> THIS IS TRIUMPH, REPORTING FROM THE GREATEST DELIBERATIVE

BODY IN THE WORLD!

FOR ME TO POOP ON!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TRIUMPH!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY FRIEND!

NEW EPISODES OF HIS PODCAST "LET'S MAKE A POOP" ARE

AVAILABLE THIS MONTH.

TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES TAYLOR.