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  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • -I'm a dad.

  • And like most dads, I do have a kid.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She's five.

  • Which is what we named him.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She's a good little boy.

  • I come from a long line of dads.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was born December 8, 1979.

  • December 8th, '79.

  • Man, the '70s were crazy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Everybody's pooping their pants. There's boobs everywhere.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Every nap I woke up from, poop in my pants, boobies in my face.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was a different time.

  • My son listens to me.

  • And if he doesn't understand what I'm saying, he's curious.

  • Recently, I had gotten him some ice cream,

  • and I was driving him to drop him off at his mom's house.

  • And I said, "Hey, buddy.

  • Maybe don't tell your mom about the ice cream.

  • Because you know what they say.

  • 'Loose lips sink ships.'"

  • And he said, "What does 'loose lips sink ships' mean?"

  • I said, "I love you, man."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "You're so inquisitive." You know?

  • Interesting story actually.

  • A gentleman set sail from Europe a long time ago,

  • looking for a new world, a new land.

  • Nobody thought it existed.

  • But he found it. It's called America.

  • It's where you were born, son. You're an American.

  • But what a lot of people don't know is that

  • there was another boat that took off before that boat.

  • And it would have found America first except everybody died

  • because the captain told his mom about the ice cream.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So "loose lips sink ships."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • My son witnessed a death.

  • He saw a bird fly into the window of his play room,

  • and it fell to the ground.

  • He wanted to see it, so we went outside.

  • And there we were, standing over what I knew was a dead bird

  • but what my son thought was a bird.

  • Because he doesn't know what death is.

  • And I realized in that moment that I might have to explain

  • death to a 5-year-old boy.

  • And it seemed like it would be easier if I could somehow

  • gather up all of the birds in the neighborhood

  • and explain windows...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...than to explain death to a 5-year-old.

  • "Gather 'round, birds. I know it's a Tuesday.

  • I'm going to make it fast.

  • Let's talk about windows.

  • You're going to see clear squares and big solids.

  • Don't even try it.

  • You're never gonna get to the couch.

  • Now, let's talk about Windows 95."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "We lost a lot of birds to windows that year."

  • My parents conceived me on a waterbed.

  • Which explains my fear of drowning

  • while my parents are having sex.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • How about we end on a happy note?

  • I want to be happy.

  • You guys are here in the pursuit of happiness.

  • It's noble.

  • If I see somebody that's happy in public,

  • I'm not afraid to ask them.

  • I want to know why because I want it.

  • And I saw a guy and he had it. He just looked happy.

  • And I walked up to him and I said,

  • "Sir, I need to know your secret to life, to happiness."

  • And I'll never forget what he said.

  • He said, "I'm nine years old."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And I said, "Well, how'd you do that?"

  • And he said, "I'm scared."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I said, "I'm scared, too, buddy."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "It's a crazy world out there."

  • And I'll never forget the last thing he said as he ran away.

  • "Where's my mom?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Nick Thune!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I love you, man.

  • Nick Thune. For more, follow him @nickthune.

♪♪

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A2 初級

尼克-圖恩脫口秀 (Nick Thune Stand-Up)

  • 70 1
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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