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  • If you're a person who likes being alive

  • and does not want to die soon,

  • first of all, congratulations on being basic,

  • and second, here's some good news for you.

  • Some good news this morning. Americans' life expectancy

  • has increased for the first time in four years.

  • That's according to a new report

  • from the Centers for Disease Control.

  • It shows life expectancy rose slightly in 2018

  • to 78.7 years.

  • Wow! This is major!

  • For the first time in four years,

  • American life expectancy is on the rise!

  • Big shout-out to Betty White for bumping up the average.

  • We see you, girl. We see you, girl!

  • (cheering, applause)

  • But... but, you know what, it's weird that life expectancy

  • is even a thing.

  • Like, it feels like we're giving human beings expiration dates

  • like we're milk.

  • I mean, some people are milk, but not most of us, you know?

  • Here's the... here's the problem, though.

  • Life expectancy studies are deceptive,

  • because they make you think everybody's getting

  • an extra month, which is not true.

  • 'Cause on average, yes, life expectancy is higher.

  • But if you're in the swamps wrangling alligators,

  • you're still lucky if you hit 40.

  • -(laughter) -That's all I'm saying.

  • Honestly, if you ask me, I think scientists should lie

  • about our life expectancy.

  • 'Cause when you tell the truth, that we're supposed to reach 78,

  • now we take life for granted.

  • We don't appreciate it. Yeah?

  • Then if we don't reach 78, it feels like we failed.

  • People would be like, "My granddad died."

  • "How old was he?" "73."

  • -"Aw, what a bitch." -(laughter)

  • Moving on to immigration news.

  • President Trump has been rushing to build 450 miles of his big,

  • (like Trump): beautiful border wall...

  • before the November election comes.

  • But maybe instead of getting it done fast,

  • he should concentrate on getting it done right.

  • President Trump said the Mexican border wall

  • would be impossible to penetrate.

  • Well, now wind is being blamed for knocking part of it over.

  • Panels from the border wall fell over in Mexicali

  • during heavy winds.

  • The panels fell onto trees on the Mexico side of the border.

  • A border patrol agent says

  • the section had recently been set in concrete.

  • It's not clear if Mexico will pay for the clear-up.

  • (laughter)

  • That is really insane. Parts of the border wall

  • are being knocked down by wind?

  • This is what happens

  • when you build something without Mexicans, Donald!

  • (laughter)

  • And Trump shouldn't tolerate this.

  • He needs to go down to the border

  • and teach these walls how to handle the wind.

  • Because if there's one thing Trump knows,

  • it's how to dodge a draft.

  • -(laughter, groans) -I mean, seriously...

  • it can't be that hard to keep a wall upright, you know?

  • If they need to harden the concrete,

  • they can just use that gel that Don Jr. puts in his hair.

  • -(laughter) -Something. Come on.

  • And I know they said

  • this is only because that specific part of the wall

  • wasn't finished being built yet, but that's still on Trump.

  • He would have known that this could happen,

  • but he never finished reading "The Three Little Pigs." Yeah.

  • (like Trump): It's one of the longest novels

  • "ever written, folks.

  • So long."

  • -(applause) -And finally...

  • -(whooping) -And finally, in headlines,

  • Minnesota.

  • It's a state most famous for boring things,

  • like casseroles and Amy Klobuchar.

  • But now they're trying to shake off that boring reputation,

  • and they're breaking bad.

  • Nearly a million dollars in counterfeit dollar bills--

  • the bust in Minnesota tonight.

  • Federal authorities along the Canadian border

  • revealing they seized 45 cartons

  • packed with nearly a million dollars in counterfeit bills,

  • all of them singles.

  • Authorities tonight say they came from China.

  • -(audience gasps) -Wow.

  • Cops in Minnesota discovered a million dollars' worth

  • of fake one dollar bills.

  • And the cops could tell they were fake,

  • because the counterfeiters used the wrong Washington.

  • (laughter)

  • (like Denzel Washington): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! My man!

  • Here's my question, though. Honest question.

  • Why are you counterfeiting one dollar bills?

  • It's such a small number.

  • Like, with a million ones,

  • all you have is a million dollars.

  • But if you counterfeited a million hundred dollar bills,

  • you have, like, like-- I'm not a scientist,

  • -but you have more money. -(laughter)

  • Way more money.

  • How do you even use that many ones?

  • What are you gonna do with them?

  • What, are you gonna clean out every vending machine?

  • Gonna be the king of the dollar store?

  • I mean, I guess, yeah, you could go to strip clubs.

  • Yeah, but if you get busted,

  • you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do.

  • Yeah, the strippers and the bouncers are gonna have you,

  • you're gonna be like, "I'm so sorry, I...

  • "I just thought your boobs are fake, so my money can be fake.

  • Okay, okay, I'll wash the dishes, I'll wash the dishes."

If you're a person who likes being alive

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特朗普的邊境牆與風向,美國人的預期壽命增加和假幣被抓|每日秀 (Trump’s Border Wall vs. Wind, U.S. Life Expectancy Increase & A Counterfeit Bust | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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