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  • - Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

  • I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin,

  • some news out of Hong Kong.

  • Officials are warning people not to kiss their pets

  • because a dog contracted coronavirus, yes.

  • However, it is still okay

  • to take your dog to dinner and a movie.

  • You know, sometimes it's nice to go something

  • without physical reward at the end.

  • Here are this week's headlines.

  • All right, so look, normally, we would catch up

  • on all of the headlines from around the world.

  • You know, maybe we'd talk about Harvey Weinstein

  • getting 23 years in prison.

  • (cheering and applause) Uh, yeah.

  • Or we could talk about the Supreme Court

  • giving President Trump a victory on immigration.

  • But today, there's only one story

  • the entire world is talking about--

  • the coronavirus, aka COVID-19,

  • aka Mambo Number Death. (laughter)

  • It's now in 110 countries

  • with over 122,000 confirmed cases,

  • and it looks like it's only getting worse.

  • - The World Health Organization today

  • officially designating coronavirus

  • as a global pandemic.

  • Congress's in-house doctor told Capitol Hill staffers

  • at a closed-door meeting this week that he expects

  • 75 to 150 million people

  • in the United States to contract the coronavirus.

  • - New tests led by the U.S. government scientists

  • show the virus can live in the air for several hours

  • and on some surfaces for up to three days.

  • - Oh, okay. That's a lot of information,

  • so let's try and break it all down.

  • First, the World-- World Health Organization

  • has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic.

  • Which, yes, is scary for us humans,

  • but from corona's perspective, it's pretty cool, yeah?

  • No, 'cause for a virus,

  • this is like going platinum, you know?

  • It's... it's a big day.

  • Started from the Wuhan, now we're here.

  • (laughter)

  • I think it's pretty cool for corona.

  • And yes, I'm saying that because I hope

  • if I suck up to corona, it'll leave me alone.

  • I, uh, I'm not sure if it'll work,

  • but I'm gonna try it.

  • Now, the second piece of information

  • is a little more disconcerting.

  • Congress's in-house doctor

  • says up to 150 million people in the United States

  • could end up getting corona.

  • Yeah, that is half the country.

  • And then the other half won't get it

  • because they're clearly losers who don't have friends.

  • Yeah, it's gonna be like,

  • "Like, how do you not have corona?

  • Has nobody touched you? I'd rather be dead."

  • And the third point might be the most scary.

  • Uh, we're learning that this coronavirus

  • can stay on some surfaces for up to three days.

  • Yeah, although in New York, it doesn't stay as long

  • because it can't afford the rent.

  • That's the good news.

  • The housing crisis is real.

  • Now, on some surfaces like cardboard...

  • Apparently, corona can only survive for a day

  • if it's cardboard.

  • But then on harder surfaces like glass,

  • it can survive for much longer.

  • So, like, your cell phone?

  • That could be a problem.

  • Yeah. My advice?

  • Clear your browsing history.

  • Yeah, I mean, you might still get corona,

  • but at least the doctors won't see all the freaky shit

  • you've been searching on your phone.

  • "Is this your emergency co-- Wait, what the hell?"

  • And look, guys, I know we're all scared,

  • but it's important to keep a clear head.

  • Panic is not gonna help anything.

  • Right, we're still learning about this.

  • We're still learning about the mortality rate.

  • And panic is not helping, 'cause right now some people

  • are letting their panic make them dumb as shit.

  • - The impact of the coronavirus being felt across the country,

  • now affecting everything from air travel to schools

  • to what's on store shelves,

  • or what's not on store shelves in some case.

  • Some retailers seeing a run on many of the basics.

  • - Well, just a crazy scene at a grocery store

  • where toilet paper has been in high demand.

  • - Yeah, surveillance video shows

  • a stampede of customers clearing the shelves.

  • - Fights over toilet paper

  • breaking out in grocery stores as shelves run empty.

  • - People, what are you doing?

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I really don't understand what people are do--

  • You do not need to panic over toilet paper.

  • Water, I would understand, right?

  • Food, medicine, yes,

  • but you can survive without toilet paper.

  • Don't forget. You're in a bathroom.

  • "Oh, how will I clean my butt in this room with a shower?"

  • (laughter)

  • Like, I feel like-- I feel like people

  • in first world countries don't know what to panic about.

  • Toilet paper? Are you shitting me?

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Like, what... What's next?

  • Are people just gonna be running around Walmart

  • like, "Aah! Where's the car wax? Aah!"

  • And maybe it's because-- it's because, where I grew up,

  • there were times when we didn't have toilet paper.

  • Honestly, when I was a kid, we didn't have toilet paper.

  • We always made a plan, right? You can use newspaper.

  • You just rub it together. This is a true thing, right?

  • You can use paper towels.

  • Hell, everyone in America has a dog.

  • Push comes to shove, you wipe your ass on the dog.

  • Yeah, "Freckles, get out here!"

  • (laughter and groaning)

  • People are like, "I'd rather use my hands, Trevor!"

  • Look, man, just avoid panicking.

  • Because if you panic, you stop thinking clearly.

  • And if you're not thinking clearly,

  • then you'll start to believe anything that you hear.

  • And there is a lot of bad information that is out there.

  • - Well, the spread of the coronavirus, it's also led

  • to a lot of spread of misinformation.

  • - There are more rumors going around on social media

  • about how to avoid the coronavirus.

  • Eating garlic, drinking bleach,

  • snorting cocaine, yes, and masturbation

  • are not miracle cures for coronavirus.

  • - Yes.

  • Drinking bleach,

  • snorting cocaine,

  • and masturbating

  • is not the way to cure corona.

  • It's the way to kick off the most rock-and-roll party

  • of your life.

  • That's what that is. (cheering and applause)

  • That's what that is.

  • And I don't understand

  • how anyone even falls for any of that.

  • None of those things gets rid of the coronavirus.

  • Right? Bleach gets rid of stains.

  • You can't drink it. It's not gonna help you.

  • Garlic gets rid of vampires, okay?

  • Cocaine gets rid of your money, that's it.

  • Like, in a way, the only thing that makes sense

  • is masturbating, okay?

  • Yeah, it won't cure you,

  • but if you stay in and you do that all day,

  • you'll probably have less chance of catching the virus.

  • Yeah, you know, if the CDC really wants people

  • to self-quarantine, forget the Purell.

  • They should just be handing out lotion.

  • "Here you go. Stay home and, uh,

  • social distance yourself. You know what I mean."

  • All right, that's it for the headlines.

  • Let's move on to our top story.

  • (music and cheering)

  • The Democratic primary race is down to two major candidates,

  • the old man from "Up"

  • and the old Captain America.

  • And because yesterday was another big day

  • on the path to the nomination,

  • it's time to catch up on the latest developments

  • in our ongoing segment, "World War D."

  • (music and cheering)

  • Yesterday, Democrats in six states went to the polls

  • to cast their votes and get some coronavirus.

  • And after a strong showing on Super Tuesday,

  • Biden picked up right where he left off.

  • - Former Vice President Joe Biden expanded his lead

  • in the Democratic presidential race.

  • Biden won in at least four of the six states

  • which voted yesterday.

  • He took the battleground state of Michigan by double digits.

  • Biden now leads the race by 150 delegates,

  • which significantly narrows any path to victory

  • for Senator Bernie Sanders.

  • - Looking at the math tonight, I think it's almost certain

  • that Bernie Sanders does not have a mathematical,

  • uh, path to becoming the Democratic nominee.

  • - Let's shut this puppy down,

  • and let's move on and worry about November.

  • This thing is decided. There's no reason

  • to keep it going not even a day longer.

  • - Okay, okay, okay.

  • That talking raisin needs to calm down.

  • Yes, Joe Biden had a great night.

  • That doesn't mean you have to shut

  • the primary down immediately.

  • This is the presidential race,

  • not a kissing booth in the Wuhan province, all right?

  • Because, look, it is true, it is true that

  • because of last night's results, there have already been calls

  • for Bernie Sanders to step aside

  • and let the slightly younger generation take over.

  • But let me tell you something.

  • If you think a little turbulence is gonna shake Bernie Sanders

  • out of the race, you need to think again.

  • - Senator Bernie Sanders earlier today

  • making clear he has no plans to drop out

  • of the Democratic presidential contest.

  • - On Sunday, I very much look forward

  • to the debate in Arizona

  • with my friend Joe Biden.

  • And let me be very frank

  • as to the questions that I will be asking Joe.

  • Joe, what are you gonna do about the fact

  • that we have the highest rate of childhood poverty?

  • What are you gonna do to end the terror

  • that millions of undocumented people experience right now?

  • What are you gonna do to end the absurdity

  • of billionaires buying elections?

  • Joe, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

  • (imitating Sanders) - ♪ What are you gonna do when they come for you? ♪

  • Bad boys, bad boys, uh, what are you gonna do? ♪

  • What are you gonna do? ♪ (applause and cheering)

  • When they come for you? ♪

  • (rapping indistinctly)

  • So, yeah, for now,

  • Bernie Sanders is not dropping out of the race.

  • And what was interesting is some people were worried

  • that the only reason Bernie was staying

  • was to burn the party to the ground.

  • But after today's speech, it seems like Bernie wants

  • to push Biden to a more progressive platform.

  • And I actually think it's really nice of Bernie

  • that he's giving Biden the questions beforehand.

  • Yeah, you know, he could've made it a surprise,

  • but now, he's like one of those cool teachers in school

  • that tells you what's gonna be on the test, you know?

  • And you think they're being nice, but they just don't want

  • to see your ass again if you get held back.

  • That's why they're doing it. "I need you to pass, okay?"

  • So it's gonna be interesting to see Bernie putting pressure

  • on Biden in their first one-on-one debate this Sunday.

  • And I'll be honest.

  • I think Joe Biden is ready for the fight.

  • And I say that because yesterday,

  • a video came out of Biden going toe-to-toe

  • with a factory worker in Michigan, and he was fired up.

  • - Earlier in the day touring an auto plant in Detroit,

  • Biden had a testy exchange with a voter over gun rights.

  • - All right, thank you, guys.

  • - Goddamn! (laughter)

  • Wow, I-- I can't believe Joe Biden got into a fight

  • with that factory worker, especially considering

  • that he was surrounded by all of his boys.

  • I mean, yeah, that's risky.

  • I guess, though, at the same time, though, Biden knows

  • those guys can't touch him, not because of Secret Service,

  • but because of coronavirus, yeah.

  • No one's touching anyone. It's just like, "Hold me back!

  • "No, seriously hold me back. Hold me back.

  • "It's very important right now

  • "that we maintain social distancing, all right?

  • "But when we get a vaccine in 12 to 18 months,

  • "I'm gonna kick your ass!

  • Until then, wash your hands. You're mine."

  • Now after this video came out,

  • a lot of people, even some Democrats said

  • that the worst part of that exchange

  • was Biden telling a voter that he was full of shit.

  • But what was interesting is that that factory worker

  • went on Fox News today,

  • and what he had to say was, uh, really different.

  • - When you looked at this confrontation,

  • it lasted for a long time.

  • What's your response about his use of profanity?

  • - Uh, you know, I'm-I'm kind of used to it

  • in the-- in the workforce.

  • And, uh, as a politician,

  • I can understand the way how things have gone,

  • you're not supposed to use profanity,

  • but in this day and age... it's a language.

  • I'm not gonna hate him for that.

  • And I use it all the time.

  • Most people use it all the time.

  • (laughter) - Wow.

  • (applause and cheering)

  • I... I won't lie, I was impressed by that, you know?

  • That factory worker still doesn't agree

  • with Biden on guns.

  • He wasn't pretending to be his friend,

  • but what I liked is that he wasn't gonna pretend

  • to be offended by the profanity.

  • And you could even see the Fox news anchor

  • wasn't expecting that answer. Look at that face.

  • Right? He looks like he was expecting a surprise party,

  • and instead, he walked in on his parents having sex.

  • That's what that face is. (laughter)

  • And maybe one of the reasons this guy wasn't offended

  • was because, whether it's Trump or Bernie or Biden,

  • voters seem to like it

  • when politicians talk like normal people, yeah.

  • And I'll be honest, I'm hoping that this straight-talking,

  • "you're-full-of-shit" Biden becomes his new thing, yeah.

  • Soon, Joe Biden will just be walking into diners like,

  • "Hey, asshole, that's a good-looking pickle,

  • which is what your mom said to me last night.

  • Ha ha ha ha! All right, vote for me, fat ass."

  • We'll be right back.

  • - Welcome back to "The Daily Show."

  • As you know, March is Women's History Month.

  • (cheers and applause) Yes. Yes.

  • It's the one month

  • when Mike Pence can't be alone with a calendar.

  • And to help us celebrate,

  • we're joined by our senior Women's History correspondent,

  • Dulce Sloan, everybody! - (whooping)

  • - Dulce. - Hello!

  • - Happy Women's History Month. - Happy?

  • It would be happier if you got me a gift.

  • - Oh, another one? I just got you a gift

  • for Black History Month.

  • - Yeah, because I'm black in February,

  • and in March, I'm a woman. (laughter)

  • - Oh, no, but that's not fair.

  • Okay, so then when do I get a gift?

  • - In April, 'cause you're a fool.

  • (laughter)

  • Anyway, Trevor, have you ever wondered

  • why women don't get the historic credit they deserve?

  • - Uh, sexism? - Statues, Trevor.

  • Women don't have as many statues as men.

  • In fact, nationwide,

  • only eight percent of outdoor statues are of women.

  • - Wow. How did you know that statistic?

  • (laughs) - I drink Snapple!

  • Nigga, I... (laughter)

  • Nigga, I read. What?

  • (laughter)

  • Internet. Come on, dawg.

  • And I've seen it for myself.

  • I was walking through Central Park the other day--

  • under duress-- and I saw statues

  • of Alexander Hamilton, Christopher Columbus,

  • William Shakespeare, all famous men from history.

  • When it comes to women,

  • there's only two statues in Central Park--

  • Alice in Wonderland and Mother Goose.

  • (laughter)

  • Which makes no damn sense!

  • Alice is just a white girl who took molly.

  • (laughter)

  • And why does Mother Goose get a statue?

  • All she did was fuck a goose!

  • (laughter)

  • - I... I don't think that's right.

  • - Fine. She "made love" to a goose!

  • - No, that's not-- Okay, anyway, Dulce, I'm lost.

  • How does having more statues help?

  • - Because, Trevor, statues help us remember history.

  • When you walk past a statue, and you're like,

  • "Oh, yeah, MLK did have a dream,

  • Thomas Jefferson was a complicated individual,"

  • and when you don't honor women the same way you honor men,

  • you're leaving them out of history.

  • - That-- That's true. That's true.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Well-- well, at least...

  • at least women have the Statue of Liberty.

  • That's one of the most famous statues in the world.

  • - That doesn't count.

  • We need statues of real women,

  • not some giant French bitch holding an ice cream!

  • (laughter)

  • - No, someone like Toni Morrison,

  • the first black woman to win...

  • (cheering and applause)

  • ...the Nobel Prize for Literature.

  • Or someone like Frances Perkins,

  • the first woman appointed to a presidential cabinet.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • Or someone like Beyoncé.

  • (cheering and applause)

  • The first woman to be Beyoncé.

  • (laughter and hooting)

  • Why doesn't she have a statue?

  • I mean, she's already standing like a statue, she's ready!

  • - This... this is actually a great idea.

  • But I hope you understand, building thousands of statues

  • of women is gonna be difficult.

  • I mean, statues are expensive.

  • You know, this is gonna be a project

  • that's gonna take a lot of time.

  • - Oh, I've already done it, Trevor.

  • - What?

  • - I've designed one statue to symbolize all women--

  • their power, their beauty, their mystique!

  • A flawless avatar of womanhood...

  • (laughter)

  • ...that anyone can look at and see... themselves.

  • - Dulce, that... that's a statue of you.

  • (voice breaking) - Oh, Trevor!

  • I'm touched that you can see me in that art.

  • - No, it's literally you. It has your name on it.

  • And also, why are you holding a baby?

  • You don't have kids.

  • - That baby symbolizes America, okay?

  • Which women have been carrying for far too long!

  • (cheering and applause)

  • - Okay.

  • - Nah, I'm kidding. It's Idris Elba's baby.

  • (laughter)

  • 'Cause that's some history I want to make.

  • - Dulce Sloan, everybody! We'll be right back!

  • - Welcome back to "The Daily Show."

  • It's officially March, which means it's time

  • to fill out your bracket for the big NCAA Tournament.

  • But what if you don't like watching basketball?

  • Hmm? Maybe you think it hurts the ball

  • every time they bounce it on the floor.

  • Yes, you're a weirdo, but still...

  • we have just the tournament for you.

  • I'd like to introduce "The Daily Show's"

  • Trump's Best Word Bracket.

  • (laughter and applause) You see...

  • you see, President Trump has the best words.

  • And how do we know this? Because he told us.

  • - I know words. I have the best words.

  • You know, I went to an Ivy League college.

  • I know a lot of words.

  • I have, like, this incredible vocabulary.

  • I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them.

  • Believe it or not, I watch my words very carefully.

  • There are those that think I'm a very stable genius.

  • - Yeah. (laughter and groaning)

  • Yeah. There you go.

  • Trump may be bad at disease control,

  • immigration, domestic policy, and literally everything else,

  • but when it comes to words, he truly is the best.

  • So for March, just for March, we are hosting a tournament

  • to pick his best, best word.

  • Because, let me tell you,

  • he's got a lot of them.

  • - In, uh, 1870,

  • President U-licious S. Grant...

  • President Franklin De-lay-no Roosevelt...

  • He was awarded the Bronze Star

  • and the Combat Infantroopen Badge.

  • Heart, lung, and liver transpants.

  • You're gonna see some sta-ticks--

  • suh-tick-six coming out...

  • ...by anonommmess...

  • really an anomonissss...

  • You know, we just set another slock rocket...

  • You saw that, right?

  • The stock market...

  • I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges,

  • the oranges of the, uh, uh, investigation.

  • The beginnings.

  • ...expectations in the House

  • for the midtowm...

  • and midturn year.

  • ...and God bless the United Shaysh.

  • Thank you very much.

  • - Yeah. (cheering and applause)

  • I don't know about you guys, but I...

  • I've never heard better words. (laughter)

  • That clip makes me proud to live in the United Shaysh.

  • And I know a lot of-- a lot of what happened there

  • had the haters going, "Oh, does Trump have dentures?

  • "Was his mouth dry?

  • Did Russia attack his tongue?" No!

  • Trump just came up with a better word

  • for the country, and he used it.

  • Because our president has the best words.

  • And thank God he does.

  • You see, with so much uncertainty in the world,

  • the volatility of the slock rocket,

  • all the negative climate suh-tick-six,

  • and so many Americans waiting for organ transpants,

  • it's comforting to know that we have a president

  • who comes from a higher place, unlike the rest of us,

  • who come from humble oranges. (laughter)

  • And I could play-- I could play clips of Trump all day

  • saying Trumpy words, but I'm not gonna do that.

  • Okay, I am gonna do that.

  • - Declaring the whole state

  • to be a "stankchuary" for criminal...

  • Waive all "apliculibulls" state taxes.

  • Made a "pivittible..."

  • Really, and, I mean, this was pivotal.

  • A lot of work has been done. A lot of "renoversh"--

  • If you look at some of it...

  • Shield and shelter "criminacle..."

  • Look, look, look.

  • "Heroilynn" alone,

  • if you look at the heroin epidemic.

  • "Veneswaylass..."

  • By "Venezwellzso..."

  • "Venezwhalezz..."

  • As Hurricane "Ermer" approaches...

  • In April of 20,014...

  • These historic "accomplimenshayz..."

  • Working to improve this country and "duurrrr" government.

  • "Enen" they "annouced" there was no "byesno..."

  • (laughter)

  • See that?

  • Trump is so great at words,

  • he doesn't even need to open his mouth to say them.

  • And, by the way, I want to take a second

  • to congratulate our graphics department

  • for fitting that word on the screen.

  • Yeah. (cheering and applause)

  • Really powerful. Well done, guys.

  • Three... three of our designers died in the attempt,

  • but it was worth it.

  • And of course, who can forget

  • the devastation of Hurricane "Ermer"?

  • So many "herms" were destroyed.

  • Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to be a "bermer."

  • So, what is Trump's best word?

  • Well, there are 64 for you to choose from,

  • and we've put them together in a bracket.

  • All you can do is pick the best noun,

  • adjective, or whatever you like.

  • Just go to DailyShowBracket.com,

  • and there you can watch every video

  • of the clips and every word,

  • and you let us know which ones you think are the best.

  • Round one is open now, so please go and start picking.

  • Because Donald Trump has done many great things,

  • but the words he gives us will live on

  • as his most important "accomplimenshayz."

  • We'll be right back.

  • - That's it for "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

  • Before we go, some news coming out of Australia.

  • An Australian newspaper has printed

  • a special eight-page insert

  • that can be cut into toilet paper.

  • And this partly due to fears of a shortage

  • due to the coronavirus.

  • And I love how they're acting like this is their idea

  • when we all know President Trump has been

  • doing this with newspapers for years.

- Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."

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