字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 - Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition." I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin, some news out of Hong Kong. Officials are warning people not to kiss their pets because a dog contracted coronavirus, yes. However, it is still okay to take your dog to dinner and a movie. You know, sometimes it's nice to go something without physical reward at the end. Here are this week's headlines. All right, so look, normally, we would catch up on all of the headlines from around the world. You know, maybe we'd talk about Harvey Weinstein getting 23 years in prison. (cheering and applause) Uh, yeah. Or we could talk about the Supreme Court giving President Trump a victory on immigration. But today, there's only one story the entire world is talking about-- the coronavirus, aka COVID-19, aka Mambo Number Death. (laughter) It's now in 110 countries with over 122,000 confirmed cases, and it looks like it's only getting worse. - The World Health Organization today officially designating coronavirus as a global pandemic. Congress's in-house doctor told Capitol Hill staffers at a closed-door meeting this week that he expects 75 to 150 million people in the United States to contract the coronavirus. - New tests led by the U.S. government scientists show the virus can live in the air for several hours and on some surfaces for up to three days. - Oh, okay. That's a lot of information, so let's try and break it all down. First, the World-- World Health Organization has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic. Which, yes, is scary for us humans, but from corona's perspective, it's pretty cool, yeah? No, 'cause for a virus, this is like going platinum, you know? It's... it's a big day. Started from the Wuhan, now we're here. (laughter) I think it's pretty cool for corona. And yes, I'm saying that because I hope if I suck up to corona, it'll leave me alone. I, uh, I'm not sure if it'll work, but I'm gonna try it. Now, the second piece of information is a little more disconcerting. Congress's in-house doctor says up to 150 million people in the United States could end up getting corona. Yeah, that is half the country. And then the other half won't get it because they're clearly losers who don't have friends. Yeah, it's gonna be like, "Like, how do you not have corona? Has nobody touched you? I'd rather be dead." And the third point might be the most scary. Uh, we're learning that this coronavirus can stay on some surfaces for up to three days. Yeah, although in New York, it doesn't stay as long because it can't afford the rent. That's the good news. The housing crisis is real. Now, on some surfaces like cardboard... Apparently, corona can only survive for a day if it's cardboard. But then on harder surfaces like glass, it can survive for much longer. So, like, your cell phone? That could be a problem. Yeah. My advice? Clear your browsing history. Yeah, I mean, you might still get corona, but at least the doctors won't see all the freaky shit you've been searching on your phone. "Is this your emergency co-- Wait, what the hell?" And look, guys, I know we're all scared, but it's important to keep a clear head. Panic is not gonna help anything. Right, we're still learning about this. We're still learning about the mortality rate. And panic is not helping, 'cause right now some people are letting their panic make them dumb as shit. - The impact of the coronavirus being felt across the country, now affecting everything from air travel to schools to what's on store shelves, or what's not on store shelves in some case. Some retailers seeing a run on many of the basics. - Well, just a crazy scene at a grocery store where toilet paper has been in high demand. - Yeah, surveillance video shows a stampede of customers clearing the shelves. - Fights over toilet paper breaking out in grocery stores as shelves run empty. - People, what are you doing? (laughter and applause) I really don't understand what people are do-- You do not need to panic over toilet paper. Water, I would understand, right? Food, medicine, yes, but you can survive without toilet paper. Don't forget. You're in a bathroom. "Oh, how will I clean my butt in this room with a shower?" (laughter) Like, I feel like-- I feel like people in first world countries don't know what to panic about. Toilet paper? Are you shitting me? (cheering and applause) Like, what... What's next? Are people just gonna be running around Walmart like, "Aah! Where's the car wax? Aah!" And maybe it's because-- it's because, where I grew up, there were times when we didn't have toilet paper. Honestly, when I was a kid, we didn't have toilet paper. We always made a plan, right? You can use newspaper. You just rub it together. This is a true thing, right? You can use paper towels. Hell, everyone in America has a dog. Push comes to shove, you wipe your ass on the dog. Yeah, "Freckles, get out here!" (laughter and groaning) People are like, "I'd rather use my hands, Trevor!" Look, man, just avoid panicking. Because if you panic, you stop thinking clearly. And if you're not thinking clearly, then you'll start to believe anything that you hear. And there is a lot of bad information that is out there. - Well, the spread of the coronavirus, it's also led to a lot of spread of misinformation. - There are more rumors going around on social media about how to avoid the coronavirus. Eating garlic, drinking bleach, snorting cocaine, yes, and masturbation are not miracle cures for coronavirus. - Yes. Drinking bleach, snorting cocaine, and masturbating is not the way to cure corona. It's the way to kick off the most rock-and-roll party of your life. That's what that is. (cheering and applause) That's what that is. And I don't understand how anyone even falls for any of that. None of those things gets rid of the coronavirus. Right? Bleach gets rid of stains. You can't drink it. It's not gonna help you. Garlic gets rid of vampires, okay? Cocaine gets rid of your money, that's it. Like, in a way, the only thing that makes sense is masturbating, okay? Yeah, it won't cure you, but if you stay in and you do that all day, you'll probably have less chance of catching the virus. Yeah, you know, if the CDC really wants people to self-quarantine, forget the Purell. They should just be handing out lotion. "Here you go. Stay home and, uh, social distance yourself. You know what I mean." All right, that's it for the headlines. Let's move on to our top story. (music and cheering) The Democratic primary race is down to two major candidates, the old man from "Up" and the old Captain America. And because yesterday was another big day on the path to the nomination, it's time to catch up on the latest developments in our ongoing segment, "World War D." (music and cheering) Yesterday, Democrats in six states went to the polls to cast their votes and get some coronavirus. And after a strong showing on Super Tuesday, Biden picked up right where he left off. - Former Vice President Joe Biden expanded his lead in the Democratic presidential race. Biden won in at least four of the six states which voted yesterday. He took the battleground state of Michigan by double digits. Biden now leads the race by 150 delegates, which significantly narrows any path to victory for Senator Bernie Sanders. - Looking at the math tonight, I think it's almost certain that Bernie Sanders does not have a mathematical, uh, path to becoming the Democratic nominee. - Let's shut this puppy down, and let's move on and worry about November. This thing is decided. There's no reason to keep it going not even a day longer. - Okay, okay, okay. That talking raisin needs to calm down. Yes, Joe Biden had a great night. That doesn't mean you have to shut the primary down immediately. This is the presidential race, not a kissing booth in the Wuhan province, all right? Because, look, it is true, it is true that because of last night's results, there have already been calls for Bernie Sanders to step aside and let the slightly younger generation take over. But let me tell you something. If you think a little turbulence is gonna shake Bernie Sanders out of the race, you need to think again. - Senator Bernie Sanders earlier today making clear he has no plans to drop out of the Democratic presidential contest. - On Sunday, I very much look forward to the debate in Arizona with my friend Joe Biden. And let me be very frank as to the questions that I will be asking Joe. Joe, what are you gonna do about the fact that we have the highest rate of childhood poverty? What are you gonna do to end the terror that millions of undocumented people experience right now? What are you gonna do to end the absurdity of billionaires buying elections? Joe, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? (imitating Sanders) - ♪ What are you gonna do when they come for you? ♪ ♪ Bad boys, bad boys, uh, what are you gonna do? ♪ ♪ What are you gonna do? ♪ (applause and cheering) ♪ When they come for you? ♪ (rapping indistinctly) So, yeah, for now, Bernie Sanders is not dropping out of the race. And what was interesting is some people were worried that the only reason Bernie was staying was to burn the party to the ground. But after today's speech, it seems like Bernie wants to push Biden to a more progressive platform. And I actually think it's really nice of Bernie that he's giving Biden the questions beforehand. Yeah, you know, he could've made it a surprise, but now, he's like one of those cool teachers in school that tells you what's gonna be on the test, you know? And you think they're being nice, but they just don't want to see your ass again if you get held back. That's why they're doing it. "I need you to pass, okay?" So it's gonna be interesting to see Bernie putting pressure on Biden in their first one-on-one debate this Sunday. And I'll be honest. I think Joe Biden is ready for the fight. And I say that because yesterday, a video came out of Biden going toe-to-toe with a factory worker in Michigan, and he was fired up. - Earlier in the day touring an auto plant in Detroit, Biden had a testy exchange with a voter over gun rights. - All right, thank you, guys. - Goddamn! (laughter) Wow, I-- I can't believe Joe Biden got into a fight with that factory worker, especially considering that he was surrounded by all of his boys. I mean, yeah, that's risky. I guess, though, at the same time, though, Biden knows those guys can't touch him, not because of Secret Service, but because of coronavirus, yeah. No one's touching anyone. It's just like, "Hold me back! "No, seriously hold me back. Hold me back. "It's very important right now "that we maintain social distancing, all right? "But when we get a vaccine in 12 to 18 months, "I'm gonna kick your ass! Until then, wash your hands. You're mine." Now after this video came out, a lot of people, even some Democrats said that the worst part of that exchange was Biden telling a voter that he was full of shit. But what was interesting is that that factory worker went on Fox News today, and what he had to say was, uh, really different. - When you looked at this confrontation, it lasted for a long time. What's your response about his use of profanity? - Uh, you know, I'm-I'm kind of used to it in the-- in the workforce. And, uh, as a politician, I can understand the way how things have gone, you're not supposed to use profanity, but in this day and age... it's a language. I'm not gonna hate him for that. And I use it all the time. Most people use it all the time. (laughter) - Wow. (applause and cheering) I... I won't lie, I was impressed by that, you know? That factory worker still doesn't agree with Biden on guns. He wasn't pretending to be his friend, but what I liked is that he wasn't gonna pretend to be offended by the profanity. And you could even see the Fox news anchor wasn't expecting that answer. Look at that face. Right? He looks like he was expecting a surprise party, and instead, he walked in on his parents having sex. That's what that face is. (laughter) And maybe one of the reasons this guy wasn't offended was because, whether it's Trump or Bernie or Biden, voters seem to like it when politicians talk like normal people, yeah. And I'll be honest, I'm hoping that this straight-talking, "you're-full-of-shit" Biden becomes his new thing, yeah. Soon, Joe Biden will just be walking into diners like, "Hey, asshole, that's a good-looking pickle, which is what your mom said to me last night. Ha ha ha ha! All right, vote for me, fat ass." We'll be right back. - Welcome back to "The Daily Show." As you know, March is Women's History Month. (cheers and applause) Yes. Yes. It's the one month when Mike Pence can't be alone with a calendar. And to help us celebrate, we're joined by our senior Women's History correspondent, Dulce Sloan, everybody! - (whooping) - Dulce. - Hello! - Happy Women's History Month. - Happy? It would be happier if you got me a gift. - Oh, another one? I just got you a gift for Black History Month. - Yeah, because I'm black in February, and in March, I'm a woman. (laughter) - Oh, no, but that's not fair. Okay, so then when do I get a gift? - In April, 'cause you're a fool. (laughter) Anyway, Trevor, have you ever wondered why women don't get the historic credit they deserve? - Uh, sexism? - Statues, Trevor. Women don't have as many statues as men. In fact, nationwide, only eight percent of outdoor statues are of women. - Wow. How did you know that statistic? (laughs) - I drink Snapple! Nigga, I... (laughter) Nigga, I read. What? (laughter) Internet. Come on, dawg. And I've seen it for myself. I was walking through Central Park the other day-- under duress-- and I saw statues of Alexander Hamilton, Christopher Columbus, William Shakespeare, all famous men from history. When it comes to women, there's only two statues in Central Park-- Alice in Wonderland and Mother Goose. (laughter) Which makes no damn sense! Alice is just a white girl who took molly. (laughter) And why does Mother Goose get a statue? All she did was fuck a goose! (laughter) - I... I don't think that's right. - Fine. She "made love" to a goose! - No, that's not-- Okay, anyway, Dulce, I'm lost. How does having more statues help? - Because, Trevor, statues help us remember history. When you walk past a statue, and you're like, "Oh, yeah, MLK did have a dream, Thomas Jefferson was a complicated individual," and when you don't honor women the same way you honor men, you're leaving them out of history. - That-- That's true. That's true. (cheering and applause) Well-- well, at least... at least women have the Statue of Liberty. That's one of the most famous statues in the world. - That doesn't count. We need statues of real women, not some giant French bitch holding an ice cream! (laughter) - No, someone like Toni Morrison, the first black woman to win... (cheering and applause) ...the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or someone like Frances Perkins, the first woman appointed to a presidential cabinet. (cheering and applause) Or someone like Beyoncé. (cheering and applause) The first woman to be Beyoncé. (laughter and hooting) Why doesn't she have a statue? I mean, she's already standing like a statue, she's ready! - This... this is actually a great idea. But I hope you understand, building thousands of statues of women is gonna be difficult. I mean, statues are expensive. You know, this is gonna be a project that's gonna take a lot of time. - Oh, I've already done it, Trevor. - What? - I've designed one statue to symbolize all women-- their power, their beauty, their mystique! A flawless avatar of womanhood... (laughter) ...that anyone can look at and see... themselves. - Dulce, that... that's a statue of you. (voice breaking) - Oh, Trevor! I'm touched that you can see me in that art. - No, it's literally you. It has your name on it. And also, why are you holding a baby? You don't have kids. - That baby symbolizes America, okay? Which women have been carrying for far too long! (cheering and applause) - Okay. - Nah, I'm kidding. It's Idris Elba's baby. (laughter) 'Cause that's some history I want to make. - Dulce Sloan, everybody! We'll be right back! - Welcome back to "The Daily Show." It's officially March, which means it's time to fill out your bracket for the big NCAA Tournament. But what if you don't like watching basketball? Hmm? Maybe you think it hurts the ball every time they bounce it on the floor. Yes, you're a weirdo, but still... we have just the tournament for you. I'd like to introduce "The Daily Show's" Trump's Best Word Bracket. (laughter and applause) You see... you see, President Trump has the best words. And how do we know this? Because he told us. - I know words. I have the best words. You know, I went to an Ivy League college. I know a lot of words. I have, like, this incredible vocabulary. I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them. Believe it or not, I watch my words very carefully. There are those that think I'm a very stable genius. - Yeah. (laughter and groaning) Yeah. There you go. Trump may be bad at disease control, immigration, domestic policy, and literally everything else, but when it comes to words, he truly is the best. So for March, just for March, we are hosting a tournament to pick his best, best word. Because, let me tell you, he's got a lot of them. - In, uh, 1870, President U-licious S. Grant... President Franklin De-lay-no Roosevelt... He was awarded the Bronze Star and the Combat Infantroopen Badge. Heart, lung, and liver transpants. You're gonna see some sta-ticks-- suh-tick-six coming out... ...by anonommmess... really an anomonissss... You know, we just set another slock rocket... You saw that, right? The stock market... I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges, the oranges of the, uh, uh, investigation. The beginnings. ...expectations in the House for the midtowm... and midturn year. ...and God bless the United Shaysh. Thank you very much. - Yeah. (cheering and applause) I don't know about you guys, but I... I've never heard better words. (laughter) That clip makes me proud to live in the United Shaysh. And I know a lot of-- a lot of what happened there had the haters going, "Oh, does Trump have dentures? "Was his mouth dry? Did Russia attack his tongue?" No! Trump just came up with a better word for the country, and he used it. Because our president has the best words. And thank God he does. You see, with so much uncertainty in the world, the volatility of the slock rocket, all the negative climate suh-tick-six, and so many Americans waiting for organ transpants, it's comforting to know that we have a president who comes from a higher place, unlike the rest of us, who come from humble oranges. (laughter) And I could play-- I could play clips of Trump all day saying Trumpy words, but I'm not gonna do that. Okay, I am gonna do that. - Declaring the whole state to be a "stankchuary" for criminal... Waive all "apliculibulls" state taxes. Made a "pivittible..." Really, and, I mean, this was pivotal. A lot of work has been done. A lot of "renoversh"-- If you look at some of it... Shield and shelter "criminacle..." Look, look, look. "Heroilynn" alone, if you look at the heroin epidemic. "Veneswaylass..." By "Venezwellzso..." "Venezwhalezz..." As Hurricane "Ermer" approaches... In April of 20,014... These historic "accomplimenshayz..." Working to improve this country and "duurrrr" government. "Enen" they "annouced" there was no "byesno..." (laughter) See that? Trump is so great at words, he doesn't even need to open his mouth to say them. And, by the way, I want to take a second to congratulate our graphics department for fitting that word on the screen. Yeah. (cheering and applause) Really powerful. Well done, guys. Three... three of our designers died in the attempt, but it was worth it. And of course, who can forget the devastation of Hurricane "Ermer"? So many "herms" were destroyed. Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to be a "bermer." So, what is Trump's best word? Well, there are 64 for you to choose from, and we've put them together in a bracket. All you can do is pick the best noun, adjective, or whatever you like. Just go to DailyShowBracket.com, and there you can watch every video of the clips and every word, and you let us know which ones you think are the best. Round one is open now, so please go and start picking. Because Donald Trump has done many great things, but the words he gives us will live on as his most important "accomplimenshayz." We'll be right back. - That's it for "The Daily Show: Global Edition." Before we go, some news coming out of Australia. An Australian newspaper has printed a special eight-page insert that can be cut into toilet paper. And this partly due to fears of a shortage due to the coronavirus. And I love how they're acting like this is their idea when we all know President Trump has been doing this with newspapers for years.
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