I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT IS FRIDAY.

IT IS FRIDAY, MY FRIENDS.

IT IS FRIDAY FOR YOU OUT THERE WATCHING AT HOME.

BUT I'M GOING TO PULL BACK THE SHOWBIZ CURTAIN AND LET YOU IN

ON A LITTLE SECRET: I'M TAPING THIS ON THURSDAY NIGHT.

AND LET ME TELL YOU: THURSDAY IS A GREAT PLACE TO BE RIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SENATE

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL TOMORROW.

MAYBE MITCH McCONNELL SUCCESSFULLY KILLED THE VOTE TO

CALL THE WITNESSES.

MAYBE MITCH McCONNELL SUCCESSFULLY KILLED THE

WITNESSES.

I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE I'M BACK HERE ON THURSDAY, AND THE

WATER'S FINE.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, SO IS THE BOURBON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

OH!

OOO!

FRIDAY ME IS GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH SOME OF THE BAD

CHOICES MADE BY THURSDAY DADDY.

DON'T GO FAR WITH THAT.

DON'T GO FAR WITH THAT.

NOW, WHILE I'M HERE IN THE BLISSFUL BEFORE-TIMES, YOU'RE

ALL LIVING IN THE IMPEACHMENT AFTER-SCAPE, AND FOR THAT, I

SALUTE YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING TALL.

OR LYING IN BED EATING HANDFULS OF PASTA OFF YOUR CHEST.

( LAUGHTER ) WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO, I AM

WITH YOU.

OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I'M NOT OF NOT WITH YOU.

NOW, THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE FOR YOU FRIDAY PEOPLE, IN THE

FORM OF BREXIT.

BECAUSE THE U.K. FORMALLY LEFT THE E.U. TODAY.

NOT THE BEST NEWS FOR BRITAIN, BUT IT DOES MEAN THERE'S AN

OPENING IN THE E.U.

TAKE US!

WE CAN BE EUROPEAN!

I PROMISE, WE CAN DO IT.

I CAN GIVE IT A SHOT.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE!

WE'LL GIVE WINE TO OUR KIDS AND LEARN HOW TO USE THOSE TOILETS

WITH THE WEIRD SHELF IN IT.

I'LL KISS ON BOTH CHEEKS.

I'LL WEAR NUT HUGGER JEANS.

THESE DAYS MOST JEANS NUT HUGGER FOR ME.

( LAUGHTER ) WHILE THE WHITE HOUSE IS

CONSUMED BY THE FALL-OUT FROM TRUMP'S UKRAINE SCHEME, TRUMP

HAS STILL FOUND TIME FOR OTHER STUPID IDEAS, BECAUSE HE

RECENTLY REVEALED THE OFFICIAL LOGO FOR SPACE FORCE, WHICH

BEARS A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO THE "STARFLEET LOGO FROM "STAR

TREK."

IT'S LIKE SPACE FORCE SAW THE "STARFLEET" LOGO AND SAID:

>> MAKE IT SUCK.

>> Stephen: SPACE FORCE, HOW DARE YOU RECYCLE A BELOVED

"STAR TREK" PROPERTY FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES.

WHICH REMINDS ME, WATCH "STAR TREK: PICARD," ONLY

ON CBS ALL ACCESS.

CBS ALL ACCESS: ENJOY THE GO.

BUT THE LOGO WASN'T SPACE FORCE'S ONLY BIG LAUNCH.

JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, THEY UNVEILED THEIR STATE-OF-THE-ART

NEW SPACE UNIFORMS.

PREPARE YOUR EARTHLING MINDS FOR SPACE CAMO!

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU

SCREAM, BUT WE CAN ALL SEE YOU COMING. BECAUSE CAMO DOESN'T

WORK UP THERE."

AGAIN, LET ME REITERATE WHAT OUR SITUATION IS RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW IF TRUMP WAS ACQUITTED.

I DON'T.

BUT I DO KNOW THIS: YESTERDAY, A BIG CHUNK OF HIS BORDER WALL

FELL OVER AND LANDED ON THE MEXICAN SIDE.

OH, THAT'S GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD PHONE CALL FOR TRUMP.

( AS TRUMP ) "HEY, NEIGHBOR, YEAH, IT'S DON.

REMEMBER WHEN I CALLED YOU MURDERERS AND DRUG DEALERS AND

RAPISTS?

YEAH, GOOD TIMES.

ANY-HOOSKI, CAN I HAVE MY WALL BACK?

HELLO?

HELLO?

IT'S JUST A FINGER?

OKAY."

( LAUGHTER ) OFFICIALS SAY THE WALL FELL

BECAUSE THE CONCRETE IN THE FOUNDATION HAD NOT YET CURED

SO THE PANELS WERE UNABLE TO WITHSTAND THE WINDY CONDITIONS.

YES, HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE PREDICTED THAT THERE WOULD BE

WIND IN A DESERT?

( LAUGHTER ) I FORGET.

WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS WHOLE PROJECT?

>> I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WIND.

>> Stephen: YES, AND IT'S NOT THE FIRST BATTLE TRUMP HAS LOST

TO WIND.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HIS NEMESIS.

WHAT ELSE IS COMING UP.

THE IOWA CAUCUSES ARE ON MONDAY, AND IT'S HARD TO PREDICT WHAT

MAKES THE DIFFERENCE FOR ANY PARLIAMENT CANDIDATE, ANY

PARTICULAR YEAR.

THINGS CAN GET WEIRD, AS ONE CAUCUS-GOER EXPLAINED TO NPR

YESTERDAY MORNING ON THAT MORNING'S "MORNING EDITION."

>> IN THE PAST, THIS HAS BEEN DECIDED BY COOKIES.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.

WE'VE HAD CAMPAIGNS WIN PEOPLE OVER BY BRINGING IN A DOZEN

COOKIES AND GIVING THEM AWAY AND SAYING, "COME OVER TO OUR

CAMP AND HAVE SOME COOKIES!" >> Stephen: NOW, I WAS A LITTLE

SKEPTICAL ABOUT THAT.

LUCKILY, WE HAVE A TYPICAL IOWA VOTER ON THE LINE RIGHT NOW.

SIR, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A CANDIDATE?

>> COOKIE!

NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM!

AHHHH.

BYE-BYE.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.

THAT'S-- THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE REST OF THE

DEMOCRATIC RACE IN TONIGHT'S: >> YOU, OFF THE BOARD OR I'LL

COME UP AND DRAG YOU OFF.

( HORN BEEPING ).

>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

>> FRANKLY, THEY'RE CRAZY.

"FURY ROAD: TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, THERE IS ONE

CONTENDER NOT EVEN RUNNING IN IOWA.

FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MELANCHOLY DAD IN A WES ANDERSON

MOVIE, MIKE BLOOMBERG.

THIS WEEK, MAYOR BLOOMBERG MET WITH VOTERS IN BURLINGTON,

VERMONT, AND SHOOK A DOG'S FACE.

NO!

BAD BILLIONAIRE!

BAD!

DOWN, MIKE, DOWN!

THE DOG ACTUALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

SO NOW BLOOMBERG DOES THE SAME THING WITH ALL THE BABY HE

MEETS.

ONE GUY WHO IS RUNNING IN IOWA IS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN

OVERLY IMPRESSED BY SWIRL TECHNOLOGY, JOE BIDEN.

BIDEN WAS CAMPAIGNING TUESDAY IN CLINTON, IOWA, AS CBS'

ED O'KEEFE REPORTS.

>> ONE OTHER CANDIDATE JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO HAVE TO

WORRY ABOUT, WHILE NOT COMPETING HERE IN IOWA, FORMER MAYOR

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS NOW PLACING FOURTH IN NATIONAL POLLS IN A

LITTLE MORE THAN A MONTH WHEN HE FIRST APPEARS ON BALLOTS ON

SUPER TUESDAY.

NORA.

>> IT LOOK LIKE JOE BIDEN IS ABOUT TO APPROACH YOU THERE.

ALL RIGHT, ED, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LIVE ON THE

CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

>> WELCOME TO THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, NORAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, ED.

WHAT A MOMENT.

>> Stephen: GOOD FOR JOE.

GOOD FOR YOU, SIR.

IT'S HIS RALLY, AND ED WAS TALKING PRETTY LOUD.

( AS REPORTER ) "NORAH, I'M AT THE BIDEN RALLY,

MERE FEET-- INCHES REALLY-- FROM THE OLD MAN BEHIND ME, THE

CROWD DESPERATELY TRYING TO DISCERN WHAT ON EARTH HE'S

SAYING OVER THE SOUND OF MY BOOMING VOICE.

I'VE GOT NOTHING MORE TO SAY, BUT LET ME JUST END WITH

I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN

YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN

NORAH?" THERE'S ALSO BIG NEWS FROM THE

CAMPAIGN TRAIL OF MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN, SEEN

HERE REACTING TO A QUESTION ABOUT BANKING REGULATION.

( LAUGHTER ) WARREN IS REQUIRED TO BE IN D.C.

DURING THE SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, WHICH IS TOUGH, BECAUSE

THE IOWA CAUCUS IS ON MONDAY.

SO INSTEAD, WARREN'S DOG IS CAMPAIGNING FOR HER WHILE

SHE'S STUCK IN WASHINGTON.

OH, COME ON!

REALLY?

A DOG ?

THAT'S JUST BLATANTLY EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE TO...

OH, MY GAWWWD!

HE'S SO CUTE!

WHO WANTS A PROGRESSIVE WEALTH TAX?

YOU DO!

YES, YOU DO!

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WARREN'S GOLDEN

RETRIEVER, OF COURSE, BAILEY, AND REST ASSURED: IF YOU DROP A

PIECE OF FOOD ON THE GROUND, HE'S GOT A PLAN FOR THAT.

STILL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE FUN IF WARREN HAD STAYED ON THE

CAMPAIGN TRAIL AND SENT BAILEY TO THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

( APPLAUSE ) ( AS ROBERTS )

"WE HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION FROM THE GALLERY.

THE SENATOR FROM MASSACHUSETTS ASKS, 'AM I A GOOD BOY?

AM I A REALLY GOOD BOY?

I'M SORRY.

THIS QUESTION IS ACTUALLY FROM LINDSEY GRAHAM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BAILEY IS NOT TRAVELING ALONE.

HE'S BEING CHAPERONED BY WARREN'S HUSBAND, BRUCE MANN,

WHO REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS NAMED BY BAILEY.

"THIS IS MY OWNER, BRUCE-MAN.

HE HAS FOOD HAND, LIKE MY MOM, LIZ-WOMAN.

I LOVE HIM!

AND I LOVE YOU!

SALT!

SQUIRREL!" WOW, A LONG BUS RIDE AND BAILEY

DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO PEE.

WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR SOME OF THE OTHER DEMOCRATIC

CANDIDATES.

( AS BERNIE ) "OKAY, BEFORE WE HEAD IN, I'M

GONNA GO OVER THERE AND REDISTRIBUTE MY COFFEE INTO THAT

BUSH."

( APPLAUSE ) NOW, NOW IN IOWA-- "THANK YOU,

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU FOR APPLAUDING MY BLADDER!"

DOWN IN IOWA, CAMPAIGN ORGANIZERS HAVE MADE SOME

ADJUSTMENTS FOR BAILEY.

AT ONE STOP, THERE WERE "WARREN" SIGNS HANGING KNEE HIGH ON THE

WALLS, A HEIGHT STRATEGICALLY PLACED FOR SELFIES TAKEN

SQUATTING NEXT TO BAILEY, ALONG WITH FOUR FOLDING CHAIRS AND A

FEW OLD ANTIQUE LAMPS.

THAT IS MY FIRST THOUGHT WHENEVER I HEAR A BIG DOG IS

COMING OVER.

"BRING OUT THE ANTIQUE LAMPS.

NOW, YOU START A JIGSAW PUZZLE ON THE FLOOR, AND I'LL GO GET

THE FABERGE EGGS."

BUT SINCE BAILEY'S NEW TO THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, I JUST WANT TO

GIVE HIM ONE PIECE OF ADVICE: STAY AWAY FROM MIKE BLOOMBERG!

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, EVERYBODY.

EDIE FALCO IS HERE!