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  • I grew up to study the brain

    我決定研究腦部

  • because I have a brother who has been diagnosed with a brain disorder:

    是因為我的哥哥被診斷出

  • schizophrenia. And as a sister

    精神分裂症。我身為他的妹妹

  • and later, as a scientist, I wanted to understand, why

    以及一個科學家,我想了解為什麼

  • is it that I can take my dreams, I can connect

    我可以將我的夢想

  • them to my reality, and I can make my dreams come true?

    和現實生活做連結,並讓我的夢想成真

  • What is it about my brother's brain and

    而我的哥哥

  • his schizophrenia that he cannot connect his

    卻沒辦法將他的夢想連結到

  • dreams to a common and shared reality, so they

    大家共享的現實世界中

  • instead become delusion?

    導致這些夢想變成幻覺?

  • So I dedicated my career to research into the

    所以我全心投入

  • severe mental illnesses. And I moved from my home state

    重度心理疾病的研究,並從我的家鄉

  • of Indiana to Boston, where I was working in

    印第安那州搬遷到了波士頓

  • the lab of Dr. Francine Benes, in the Harvard

    到哈佛大學精神醫學部, Francine Benes博士的

  • Department of Psychiatry. And in the lab, we were asking the question,

    研究室工作。我們研究的問題是

  • "What are the biological differences between the brains of individuals

    所謂「正常人」的大腦和那些

  • who would be diagnosed as normal control,

    精神分裂患者

  • as compared with the brains of individuals diagnosed with

    精神混亂患者

  • schizophrenia, schizoaffective or bipolar disorder?"

    和躁鬱患者的大腦,在生理上到底有什麼不同?

  • So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry

    我們其實在繪出腦內的電路

  • of the brain: which cells are communicating with

    哪些細胞會跟哪些細胞溝通?

  • which cells, with which chemicals, and then in

    用什麼化學物質來溝通?

  • what quantities of those chemicals?

    用多少化學物質來溝通?

  • So there was a lot of meaning in my life because I was performing

    我白天都在做這種研究

  • this type of research during the day.

    所以日子過的很充實

  • But then in the evenings and on the weekends,

    到了晚上和週末

  • I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

    我四處奔走替 NAMI (國家心理疾病聯盟) 作宣導

  • But on the morning of December 10, 1996, I woke up

    但是在1996年10月10號,我醒來時

  • to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own.

    發現自己的腦部出現了問題

  • A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain.

    一根血管在我的左腦破裂

  • And in the course of four hours,

    在接下來的四個鐘頭

  • I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to

    我看著自己的腦功能徹底退化

  • process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage,

    腦溢血的那個早上

  • I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life.

    我無法行走、說話、閱讀、寫字,或是記得我的人生

  • I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.

    我幾乎變成了個嬰兒,躲在女人的軀殼裡

  • If you've ever seen a human brain,

    如果你看過人腦

  • it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another.

    就會很清楚知道,腦的左右兩半球是完全分開的

  • And I have brought for you a real human brain.

    我帶來了一個真的人腦

  • So this is a real human brain.

    這是真的人腦

  • This is the front of the brain,

    這是腦的前端

  • the back of brain with the spinal cord hanging down,

    這是腦的後端,連接著脊髓

  • and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head.

    而在我的頭顱裡面,它是這樣擺著的

  • And when you look at the brain, it's obvious that

    我們的大腦的兩個半球

  • the two cerebral cortices are completely separate from one another.

    是完全分離的

  • For those of you who understand computers,

    用電腦術語來講

  • our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor,

    右腦的功能像一個並聯處理器

  • while our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor.

    而左腦像一個串聯處理器

  • The two hemispheres do communicate with one another

    左腦和右腦靠著

  • through the corpus collosum,

    胼胝體來溝通

  • which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers.

    是由三億個神經元軸突纖維組成的構造

  • But other than that,

    除此之外

  • the two hemispheres are completely separate.

    左右腦是完全分離的

  • Because they process information differently,

    因為左腦和右腦用不同的方式處理資訊

  • each of our hemispheres think about different things,

    想著不同的事情

  • they care about different things, and, dare I say,

    關心不同的事情

  • they have very different personalities.

    所以我說他們有迥異的性格

  • Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy. Assistant: It has been.

    麻煩一下,謝謝,這真是歡樂。(助理:是呀!)

  • Our right human hemisphere is all about this present moment.

    我們的右腦只關心此時

  • It's all about "right here, right now."

    此刻、當下

  • Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures

    它用圖像來思考

  • and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies.

    用肢體運動來學習

  • Information, in the form of energy, streams in simultaneously

    外界的資訊以能量的型態不斷地流進

  • through all of our sensory systems

    我們的感覺神經系統

  • and then it explodes into this enormous collage

    然後在體內如爆炸般地

  • of what this present moment looks like,

    拼湊出「當下」的模樣

  • what this present moment smells like and tastes like,

    「當下」的氣味

  • what it feels like and what it sounds like.

    觸感和聲音

  • I am an energy-being connected to the energy all around me

    「我」是一種能量體,藉由右腦的意識

  • through the consciousness of my right hemisphere.

    與外界的能量連結

  • We are energy-beings connected to one another

    我們都是能量體

  • through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family.

    藉由右腦的作用彼此連結成一個大家族

  • And right here,

    而此時此地

  • right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet,

    我們都是這星球上的兄弟姊妹

  • here to make the world a better place.

    為了讓這個世界更美好而存在

  • And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful.

    在這當下,我們是完美無暇的,是完整的,是美麗的

  • My left hemisphere -- our left hemisphere -- is a very different place.

    左腦則是個很不一樣的情況

  • Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically.

    它用線性和規律去思考

  • Our left hemisphere

    我們的左腦

  • is all about the past and it's all about the future.

    關心著過去和未來

  • Our left hemisphere is designed to take that

    它的功能在於

  • enormous collage of the present moment and start

    把我們拼湊出來的「當下」

  • picking out details, details and more details about those details.

    挑選其中的細節,以及細節中的細節

  • It then categorizes and

    並把這些細節分類整理

  • organizes all that information, associates it

    再把它們連結到

  • with everything in the past we've ever learned, and

    過去的經驗

  • projects into the future all of our possibilities.

    和未來的憧憬

  • And our left hemisphere thinks in language.

    我們的左腦用語言來思考

  • It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my

    它是把「我」的內心世界

  • internal world to my external world.

    和外在環境持續連結起來的獨白

  • It's that little voice that says to me, "Hey, you gotta remember

    它是提醒我「回家的路上

  • to pick up bananas on your way home.

    記得要買香蕉,早上要吃的」

  • I need them in the morning."

    的那個小聲音

  • It's that calculating intelligence that reminds me

    它是告訴個聰明的聲音

  • when I have to do my laundry. But perhaps most important,

    告訴我什麼時候該送洗衣服。最重要的

  • it's that little voice that says to me,

    它是告訴我:

  • "I am. I am." And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am,"

    「我是我」的那個聲音。當我的左腦告訴我:「我是我」的時候

  • I become separate.

    我就變成一個獨立的個體

  • I become a single solid individual, separate from the energy flow

    我便從外界環境的能量分離出來

  • around me and separate from you.

    我變得獨特

  • And this was the portion of my brain that I lost

    而它是我在腦中風的那個早上

  • on the morning of my stroke.

    喪失功能的那部份

  • On the morning of the stroke, I woke up to a

    中風的那個早上,我醒來時

  • pounding pain behind my left eye. And it was the kind of pain --

    覺得左眼後方傳來陣陣疼痛

  • caustic pain -- that you get when you

    有點像是

  • bite into ice cream. And it just gripped me --

    一口咬在冰淇淋上的那種痛。它抓住我

  • and then it released me. And then it just gripped me --

    然後又放開,然後再次抓住

  • and then it released me. And it was very unusual

    再次放開,如此反覆

  • for me to ever experience any kind of pain,

    我不曾有過這樣的痛苦經歷

  • so I thought, "OK, I'll just start my normal routine."

    可我還是決定要開始一天的工作

  • So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider,

    起床後照樣踏上了我的滑步機

  • which is a full-body, full-exercise machine.

    開始運動

  • And I'm jamming away on this thing, and I'm realizing

    我的手抓住了跑步機的橫桿,但我感覺那似乎

  • that my hands look like primitive claws grasping

    只是一隻普通的動物爪子

  • onto the bar. And I thought, "That's very peculiar."

    抓在把手上,我那時想:「咦,好怪」

  • And I looked down at my body and I thought, "Whoa,

    我往下了看我的身體之後發現:「哇!

  • I'm a weird-looking thing." And it was as though

    我看起來好詭異。」在那一刻

  • my consciousness had shifted away from my normal

    我的意識彷彿和現實經驗

  • perception of reality, where I'm the person on the

    分離了,彷彿我正在

  • machine having the experience, to some esoteric space

    另外一個空間觀察著

  • where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.

    我自己經歷著這一切

  • And it was all very peculiar, and my headache was

    正當我對一切感到困惑的時候,我的頭痛

  • just getting worse. So I get off the machine,

    加劇了。於是我從滑步機下來

  • and I'm walking across my living room floor, and I

    走到客廳,

  • realize that everything inside of my body has

    卻發現我體內的一切

  • slowed way down. And every step is very rigid and

    都慢了下來。每一個步伐都非常僵硬

  • very deliberate. There's no fluidity to my pace,

    而且刻意,失去了原本應有的流暢

  • and there's this constriction in my area of perceptions,

    我的感官變得

  • so I'm just focused on internal systems.

    只關注我體內的運作

  • And I'm standing in my bathroom getting ready to

    當我準備沖澡的時候

  • step into the shower, and I could actually hear the

    我真的聽到了

  • dialogue inside of my body. I heard a little voice

    我身體在小聲對話:

  • saying, "OK. You muscles, you gotta contract.

    「你們這群肌肉,開始收縮!

  • You muscles, you relax."

    你們那群,放鬆。」

  • And then I lost my balance, and I'm propped up against the wall.

    接著我失去了平衡,靠在牆壁上

  • And I look down at my arm and I realize

    我看著我的手臂,發現

  • that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body.

    我找不到身體的界線

  • I can't define where I begin and where I end,

    不知道自己是從哪個點開始的、哪裡結束

  • because the atoms and the molecules of my arm

    因為組成我手臂的原子和分子

  • blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall.

    和牆壁融合成一體了

  • And all I could detect was this energy -- energy.

    我感覺到的只有能量

  • And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me?

    我心想:「我到底怎麼了?

  • What is going on?" And in that moment, my brain chatter --

    發生什麼事了?」在那一刻

  • my left hemisphere brain chatter -- went totally silent.

    我左腦的聲音突然消失了

  • Just like someone took a remote control

    彷彿有人拿了遙控器

  • and pushed the mute button. Total silence.

    按下靜音 – 徹底的安靜

  • And at first I was shocked to find myself

    一開始我被大腦安靜的程度嚇到了

  • inside of a silent mind. But then I was immediately

    不過我的注意力很快又集中在

  • captivated by the magnificence of the energy around me.

    周圍那片能量海

  • And because I could no longer identify

    因為我感受不到

  • the boundaries of my body, I felt enormous and expansive.

    我身體的界線,我覺得我好巨大,好像在膨脹

  • I felt at one with all the energy that was,

    覺得我和周遭所有的能量融合成一體

  • and it was beautiful there.

    那個境界很美

  • Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back

    突然間,左腦又「上線」了

  • online, and it says to me, "Hey! We got a problem!

    並告訴我:「喂!出問題了

  • We got a problem! We gotta get some help."

    出問題了,快想辦法求救!」

  • And I'm going, "Ahh! I got a problem.

    但在我意識到情況不妙之後

  • I got a problem." So it's like, "OK. OK. I got a problem."

    我遇到問題了。就像是,「好的好的,我出了問題」

  • But then I immediately drifted right back

    可是馬上我又回到了

  • out into the consciousness -- and I affectionately

    純意識的世界--我稱之為

  • refer to this space as La La Land.

    「啦啦國」的地方

  • But it was beautiful there. Imagine what it would

    那邊很美。試想:

  • be like to be totally disconnected from your brain

    能夠完全脫離腦內的聲音

  • chatter that connects you to the external world.

    切斷與現實生活的連結,那會是什麼樣子

  • So here I am in this space, and my job -- and any

    我在那個空間裡面,一切工作上的

  • stress related to my job -- it was gone.

    壓力都消失了

  • And I felt lighter in my body. And imagine

    我感覺自己變的好輕。你可以想像

  • all of the relationships in the external world and any

    在那邊,所有人際關係上的

  • stressors related to any of those -- they were gone.

    壓力也都消失了

  • And I felt this sense of peacefulness.

    我感受到的是一片安詳。

  • And imagine what it would feel like to lose 37 years of emotional baggage!

    想想這37年以來,所有的情緒負擔都消失不見會是怎樣

  • (Laughter) Oh! I felt euphoria --

    我感受到了極樂

  • euphoria. It was beautiful.

    美麗的極樂

  • And then, again, my left hemisphere comes online and it says,

    但我的左腦又上線說:

  • "Hey! You've got to pay attention.

    「喂!你專心一點!

  • We've got to get help." And I'm thinking, "I got to get help.

    快點求救!」於是我思考著,「我要求救,

  • I gotta focus."

    要專心。」

  • So I get out of the shower and I mechanically

    我從浴室出來,僵硬地

  • dress and I'm walking around my apartment,

    穿好衣服,在家裡走動

  • and I'm thinking, "I gotta get to work. I gotta get to work.

    並思考著:「我要去上班,我要上班

  • Can I drive? Can I drive?"

    我還能開車嗎?我還能嗎?」

  • And in that moment my right arm went totally

    就在那一瞬間,我的右臂

  • paralyzed by my side. Then I realized,

    徹底麻痺。我此時才驚覺

  • "Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!"

    「我的天呀!我中風了。我中風了。」

  • And the next thing my brain says to me is, "Wow!

    頓時,我的第一個反應是:

  • This is so cool." (Laughter) "This is so cool!

    「這太帥了!這太帥了!

  • How many brain scientists have the opportunity

    有幾個神經學家

  • to study their own brain from the inside out?"

    能夠在自己的身上研究腦部啊?」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And then it crosses my mind, "But I'm a very busy woman!"

    不過我又想到:「我這麼忙

  • (Laughter) "I don't have time for a stroke!"

    沒有時間中風啊!

  • So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening,

    但我沒有辦法阻止他發生,那好吧

  • so I'll do this for a week or two, and

    就暫時休息一兩個禮拜

  • then I'll get back to my routine. OK.

    再回復我正常的生活

  • So I gotta call help. I gotta call work."

    所以我想打電話到公司求助

  • I couldn't remember the number at work,

    我不記得公司的電話號碼

  • so I remembered, in my office I had a business card

    但我記得在家裡的辦公室有一張名片

  • with my number on it. So I go into my business room,

    上面有公司的電話,所以我到辦公室

  • I pull out a three-inch stack of business cards.

    拿出了一疊三吋厚的名片

  • And I'm looking at the card on top and even though

    看著那疊名片

  • I could see clearly in my mind's eye what my business card looked like,

    雖然我很清楚知道,我要找的那張名片長什麼樣

  • I couldn't tell if this

    卻分不清

  • was my card or not, because all I could see were pixels.

    是我的,還是別人的,因為我只看到一團像素

  • And the pixels of the words blended

    卡片上的文字

  • with the pixels of the background and the pixels of the symbols,

    圖案、背景三者在我眼裡成了模糊的一塊像素團

  • and I just couldn't tell.

    我根本無法判斷

  • And then I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity.

    我只能等到我的神經系統能把我帶回現實

  • And in that moment, I would be able to

    只有在那片刻的現實裡,我才能

  • reattach to normal reality and I could tell

    重新構建起與外部世界的聯系

  • that's not the card ... that's not the card ... that's not the card.

    並知道要找的不是這張,不是這張,不是那張

  • It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down

    我花了 45分鐘

  • inside of that stack of cards.

    才找了1/3的名片

  • In the meantime, for 45 minutes, the hemorrhage is

    在這45分鐘的時間

  • getting bigger in my left hemisphere.

    我左腦的出血越來越多

  • I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone,

    我開始無法理解數字,我甚至無法理解電話這東西

  • but it's the only plan I have.

    但我別無他法

  • So I take the phone pad and I put it right here. I take the business card,

    我抓著話筒,放在這裡,拿著名片

  • I put it right here, and

    我把它放在這裡

  • I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card

    開始比對公司名片上的扭曲線條

  • to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad.

    和電話按鍵的扭曲線條,撥號

  • But then I would drift back out into La La Land,

    但當我的意識又漂到「啦啦國」

  • and not remember when I came back if I'd already

    我不記得是否已經

  • dialed those numbers.

    按過這些數字

  • So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump

    於是我抓起那癱瘓的右手

  • and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed

    蓋住那些已按下的數字

  • them, so that as I would come back to normal

    這樣在那簡短的片刻清醒到來指示

  • reality, I'd be able to tell, "Yes, I've already dialed that number."

    我才可能知道撥出了哪些數字,最終電話打通了

  • Eventually, the whole number gets dialed

    最終電話數字都按了

  • and I'm listening to the phone, and

    聽著電話那頭

  • my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me,

    我的同事接了電話,但我只聽到

  • "Woo woo woo woo." (Laughter) And I think to myself,

    「嗚嗚嗚嗚」的扭曲聲音。我那時心想:

  • "Oh my gosh, he sounds like a Golden Retriever!"

    「我的天,他聽起來像是一隻黃金獵犬!」

  • And so I say to him -- clear in my mind, I say to him:

    於是我說:

  • "This is Jill! I need help!"

    「我是 Jill !我需要幫助!」

  • And what comes out of my voice is, "Woo woo woo woo woo."

    不過從我口中出來的卻是:「嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚」

  • I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a Golden Retriever."

    我心想:「我的天,連我都變成黃金獵犬了」

  • So I couldn't know -- I didn't know that

    這時我才發現,我根本無法說話

  • I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.

    也聽不懂別人說的話