because I have a brother who has been diagnosed with a brain disorder:

是因為我的哥哥被診斷出

schizophrenia. And as a sister

精神分裂症。我身為他的妹妹

and later, as a scientist, I wanted to understand, why

以及一個科學家，我想了解為什麼

is it that I can take my dreams, I can connect

我可以將我的夢想

them to my reality, and I can make my dreams come true?

和現實生活做連結，並讓我的夢想成真

What is it about my brother's brain and

而我的哥哥

his schizophrenia that he cannot connect his

卻沒辦法將他的夢想連結到

dreams to a common and shared reality, so they

大家共享的現實世界中

instead become delusion?

導致這些夢想變成幻覺？

So I dedicated my career to research into the

所以我全心投入

severe mental illnesses. And I moved from my home state

重度心理疾病的研究，並從我的家鄉

of Indiana to Boston, where I was working in

印第安那州搬遷到了波士頓

the lab of Dr. Francine Benes, in the Harvard

到哈佛大學精神醫學部， Francine Benes博士的

Department of Psychiatry. And in the lab, we were asking the question,

研究室工作。我們研究的問題是

"What are the biological differences between the brains of individuals

所謂「正常人」的大腦和那些

who would be diagnosed as normal control,

精神分裂患者

as compared with the brains of individuals diagnosed with

精神混亂患者

schizophrenia, schizoaffective or bipolar disorder?"

和躁鬱患者的大腦，在生理上到底有什麼不同？

So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry

我們其實在繪出腦內的電路

of the brain: which cells are communicating with

哪些細胞會跟哪些細胞溝通？

which cells, with which chemicals, and then in

用什麼化學物質來溝通？

what quantities of those chemicals?

用多少化學物質來溝通？

So there was a lot of meaning in my life because I was performing

我白天都在做這種研究

this type of research during the day.

所以日子過的很充實

But then in the evenings and on the weekends,

到了晚上和週末

I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

我四處奔走替 NAMI (國家心理疾病聯盟) 作宣導

But on the morning of December 10, 1996, I woke up

但是在1996年10月10號，我醒來時

to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own.

發現自己的腦部出現了問題

A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain.

一根血管在我的左腦破裂

And in the course of four hours,

在接下來的四個鐘頭

I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to

我看著自己的腦功能徹底退化

process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage,

腦溢血的那個早上

I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life.

我無法行走、說話、閱讀、寫字，或是記得我的人生

I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.

我幾乎變成了個嬰兒，躲在女人的軀殼裡

If you've ever seen a human brain,

如果你看過人腦

it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another.

就會很清楚知道，腦的左右兩半球是完全分開的

And I have brought for you a real human brain.

我帶來了一個真的人腦

So this is a real human brain.

這是真的人腦

This is the front of the brain,

這是腦的前端

the back of brain with the spinal cord hanging down,

這是腦的後端，連接著脊髓

and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head.

而在我的頭顱裡面，它是這樣擺著的

And when you look at the brain, it's obvious that

我們的大腦的兩個半球

the two cerebral cortices are completely separate from one another.

是完全分離的

For those of you who understand computers,

用電腦術語來講

our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor,

右腦的功能像一個並聯處理器

while our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor.

而左腦像一個串聯處理器

The two hemispheres do communicate with one another

左腦和右腦靠著

through the corpus collosum,

胼胝體來溝通

which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers.

是由三億個神經元軸突纖維組成的構造

But other than that,

除此之外

the two hemispheres are completely separate.

左右腦是完全分離的

Because they process information differently,

因為左腦和右腦用不同的方式處理資訊

each of our hemispheres think about different things,

想著不同的事情

they care about different things, and, dare I say,

關心不同的事情

they have very different personalities.

所以我說他們有迥異的性格

Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy. Assistant: It has been.

麻煩一下，謝謝，這真是歡樂。(助理：是呀！)

Our right human hemisphere is all about this present moment.

我們的右腦只關心此時

It's all about "right here, right now."

此刻、當下

Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures

它用圖像來思考

and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies.

用肢體運動來學習

Information, in the form of energy, streams in simultaneously

外界的資訊以能量的型態不斷地流進

through all of our sensory systems

我們的感覺神經系統

and then it explodes into this enormous collage

然後在體內如爆炸般地

of what this present moment looks like,

拼湊出「當下」的模樣

what this present moment smells like and tastes like,

「當下」的氣味

what it feels like and what it sounds like.

觸感和聲音

I am an energy-being connected to the energy all around me

「我」是一種能量體，藉由右腦的意識

through the consciousness of my right hemisphere.

與外界的能量連結

We are energy-beings connected to one another

我們都是能量體

through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family.

藉由右腦的作用彼此連結成一個大家族

And right here,

而此時此地

right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet,

我們都是這星球上的兄弟姊妹

here to make the world a better place.

為了讓這個世界更美好而存在

And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful.

在這當下，我們是完美無暇的，是完整的，是美麗的

My left hemisphere -- our left hemisphere -- is a very different place.

左腦則是個很不一樣的情況

Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically.

它用線性和規律去思考

Our left hemisphere

我們的左腦

is all about the past and it's all about the future.

關心著過去和未來

Our left hemisphere is designed to take that

它的功能在於

enormous collage of the present moment and start

把我們拼湊出來的「當下」

picking out details, details and more details about those details.

挑選其中的細節，以及細節中的細節

It then categorizes and

並把這些細節分類整理

organizes all that information, associates it

再把它們連結到

with everything in the past we've ever learned, and

過去的經驗

projects into the future all of our possibilities.

和未來的憧憬

And our left hemisphere thinks in language.

我們的左腦用語言來思考

It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my

它是把「我」的內心世界

internal world to my external world.

和外在環境持續連結起來的獨白

It's that little voice that says to me, "Hey, you gotta remember

它是提醒我「回家的路上

to pick up bananas on your way home.

記得要買香蕉，早上要吃的」

I need them in the morning."

的那個小聲音

It's that calculating intelligence that reminds me

它是告訴個聰明的聲音

when I have to do my laundry. But perhaps most important,

告訴我什麼時候該送洗衣服。最重要的

it's that little voice that says to me,

它是告訴我：

"I am. I am." And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am,"

「我是我」的那個聲音。當我的左腦告訴我：「我是我」的時候

I become separate.

我就變成一個獨立的個體

I become a single solid individual, separate from the energy flow

我便從外界環境的能量分離出來

around me and separate from you.

我變得獨特

And this was the portion of my brain that I lost

而它是我在腦中風的那個早上

on the morning of my stroke.

喪失功能的那部份

On the morning of the stroke, I woke up to a

中風的那個早上，我醒來時

pounding pain behind my left eye. And it was the kind of pain --

覺得左眼後方傳來陣陣疼痛

caustic pain -- that you get when you

有點像是

bite into ice cream. And it just gripped me --

一口咬在冰淇淋上的那種痛。它抓住我

and then it released me. And then it just gripped me --

然後又放開，然後再次抓住

and then it released me. And it was very unusual

再次放開，如此反覆

for me to ever experience any kind of pain,

我不曾有過這樣的痛苦經歷

so I thought, "OK, I'll just start my normal routine."

可我還是決定要開始一天的工作

So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider,

起床後照樣踏上了我的滑步機

which is a full-body, full-exercise machine.

開始運動

And I'm jamming away on this thing, and I'm realizing

我的手抓住了跑步機的橫桿，但我感覺那似乎

that my hands look like primitive claws grasping

只是一隻普通的動物爪子

onto the bar. And I thought, "That's very peculiar."

抓在把手上，我那時想：「咦，好怪」

And I looked down at my body and I thought, "Whoa,

我往下了看我的身體之後發現：「哇！

I'm a weird-looking thing." And it was as though

我看起來好詭異。」在那一刻

my consciousness had shifted away from my normal

我的意識彷彿和現實經驗

perception of reality, where I'm the person on the

分離了，彷彿我正在

machine having the experience, to some esoteric space

另外一個空間觀察著

where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.

我自己經歷著這一切

And it was all very peculiar, and my headache was

正當我對一切感到困惑的時候，我的頭痛

just getting worse. So I get off the machine,

加劇了。於是我從滑步機下來

and I'm walking across my living room floor, and I

走到客廳，

realize that everything inside of my body has

卻發現我體內的一切

slowed way down. And every step is very rigid and

都慢了下來。每一個步伐都非常僵硬

very deliberate. There's no fluidity to my pace,

而且刻意，失去了原本應有的流暢

and there's this constriction in my area of perceptions,

我的感官變得

so I'm just focused on internal systems.

只關注我體內的運作

And I'm standing in my bathroom getting ready to

當我準備沖澡的時候

step into the shower, and I could actually hear the

我真的聽到了

dialogue inside of my body. I heard a little voice

我身體在小聲對話：

saying, "OK. You muscles, you gotta contract.

「你們這群肌肉，開始收縮！

You muscles, you relax."

你們那群，放鬆。」

And then I lost my balance, and I'm propped up against the wall.

接著我失去了平衡，靠在牆壁上

And I look down at my arm and I realize

我看著我的手臂，發現

that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body.

我找不到身體的界線

I can't define where I begin and where I end,

不知道自己是從哪個點開始的、哪裡結束

because the atoms and the molecules of my arm

因為組成我手臂的原子和分子

blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall.

和牆壁融合成一體了

And all I could detect was this energy -- energy.

我感覺到的只有能量

And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me?

我心想：「我到底怎麼了？

What is going on?" And in that moment, my brain chatter --

發生什麼事了？」在那一刻

my left hemisphere brain chatter -- went totally silent.

我左腦的聲音突然消失了

Just like someone took a remote control

彷彿有人拿了遙控器

and pushed the mute button. Total silence.

按下靜音 – 徹底的安靜

And at first I was shocked to find myself

一開始我被大腦安靜的程度嚇到了

inside of a silent mind. But then I was immediately

不過我的注意力很快又集中在

captivated by the magnificence of the energy around me.

周圍那片能量海

And because I could no longer identify

因為我感受不到

the boundaries of my body, I felt enormous and expansive.

我身體的界線，我覺得我好巨大，好像在膨脹

I felt at one with all the energy that was,

覺得我和周遭所有的能量融合成一體

and it was beautiful there.

那個境界很美

Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back

突然間，左腦又「上線」了

online, and it says to me, "Hey! We got a problem!

並告訴我：「喂！出問題了

We got a problem! We gotta get some help."

出問題了，快想辦法求救！」

And I'm going, "Ahh! I got a problem.

但在我意識到情況不妙之後

I got a problem." So it's like, "OK. OK. I got a problem."

我遇到問題了。就像是，「好的好的，我出了問題」

But then I immediately drifted right back

可是馬上我又回到了

out into the consciousness -- and I affectionately

純意識的世界--我稱之為

refer to this space as La La Land.

「啦啦國」的地方

But it was beautiful there. Imagine what it would

那邊很美。試想：

be like to be totally disconnected from your brain

能夠完全脫離腦內的聲音

chatter that connects you to the external world.

切斷與現實生活的連結，那會是什麼樣子

So here I am in this space, and my job -- and any

我在那個空間裡面，一切工作上的

stress related to my job -- it was gone.

壓力都消失了

And I felt lighter in my body. And imagine

我感覺自己變的好輕。你可以想像

all of the relationships in the external world and any

在那邊，所有人際關係上的

stressors related to any of those -- they were gone.

壓力也都消失了

And I felt this sense of peacefulness.

我感受到的是一片安詳。

And imagine what it would feel like to lose 37 years of emotional baggage!

想想這37年以來，所有的情緒負擔都消失不見會是怎樣

(Laughter) Oh! I felt euphoria --

我感受到了極樂

euphoria. It was beautiful.

美麗的極樂

And then, again, my left hemisphere comes online and it says,

但我的左腦又上線說：

"Hey! You've got to pay attention.

「喂！你專心一點！

We've got to get help." And I'm thinking, "I got to get help.

快點求救！」於是我思考著，「我要求救，

I gotta focus."

要專心。」

So I get out of the shower and I mechanically

我從浴室出來，僵硬地

dress and I'm walking around my apartment,

穿好衣服，在家裡走動

and I'm thinking, "I gotta get to work. I gotta get to work.

並思考著：「我要去上班，我要上班

Can I drive? Can I drive?"

我還能開車嗎？我還能嗎？」

And in that moment my right arm went totally

就在那一瞬間，我的右臂

paralyzed by my side. Then I realized,

徹底麻痺。我此時才驚覺

"Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!"

「我的天呀！我中風了。我中風了。」

And the next thing my brain says to me is, "Wow!

頓時，我的第一個反應是：

This is so cool." (Laughter) "This is so cool!

「這太帥了！這太帥了！

How many brain scientists have the opportunity

有幾個神經學家

to study their own brain from the inside out?"

能夠在自己的身上研究腦部啊？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And then it crosses my mind, "But I'm a very busy woman!"

不過我又想到：「我這麼忙

(Laughter) "I don't have time for a stroke!"

沒有時間中風啊！

So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening,

但我沒有辦法阻止他發生，那好吧

so I'll do this for a week or two, and

就暫時休息一兩個禮拜

then I'll get back to my routine. OK.

再回復我正常的生活

So I gotta call help. I gotta call work."

所以我想打電話到公司求助

I couldn't remember the number at work,

我不記得公司的電話號碼

so I remembered, in my office I had a business card

但我記得在家裡的辦公室有一張名片

with my number on it. So I go into my business room,

上面有公司的電話，所以我到辦公室

I pull out a three-inch stack of business cards.

拿出了一疊三吋厚的名片

And I'm looking at the card on top and even though

看著那疊名片

I could see clearly in my mind's eye what my business card looked like,

雖然我很清楚知道，我要找的那張名片長什麼樣

I couldn't tell if this

卻分不清

was my card or not, because all I could see were pixels.

是我的，還是別人的，因為我只看到一團像素

And the pixels of the words blended

卡片上的文字

with the pixels of the background and the pixels of the symbols,

圖案、背景三者在我眼裡成了模糊的一塊像素團

and I just couldn't tell.

我根本無法判斷

And then I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity.

我只能等到我的神經系統能把我帶回現實

And in that moment, I would be able to

只有在那片刻的現實裡，我才能

reattach to normal reality and I could tell

重新構建起與外部世界的聯系

that's not the card ... that's not the card ... that's not the card.

並知道要找的不是這張，不是這張，不是那張

It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down

我花了 45分鐘

inside of that stack of cards.

才找了1/3的名片

In the meantime, for 45 minutes, the hemorrhage is

在這45分鐘的時間

getting bigger in my left hemisphere.

我左腦的出血越來越多

I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone,

我開始無法理解數字，我甚至無法理解電話這東西

but it's the only plan I have.

但我別無他法

So I take the phone pad and I put it right here. I take the business card,

我抓著話筒，放在這裡，拿著名片

I put it right here, and

我把它放在這裡

I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card

開始比對公司名片上的扭曲線條

to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad.

和電話按鍵的扭曲線條，撥號

But then I would drift back out into La La Land,

但當我的意識又漂到「啦啦國」

and not remember when I came back if I'd already

我不記得是否已經

dialed those numbers.

按過這些數字

So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump

於是我抓起那癱瘓的右手

and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed

蓋住那些已按下的數字

them, so that as I would come back to normal

這樣在那簡短的片刻清醒到來指示

reality, I'd be able to tell, "Yes, I've already dialed that number."

我才可能知道撥出了哪些數字，最終電話打通了

Eventually, the whole number gets dialed

最終電話數字都按了

and I'm listening to the phone, and

聽著電話那頭

my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me,

我的同事接了電話，但我只聽到

"Woo woo woo woo." (Laughter) And I think to myself,

「嗚嗚嗚嗚」的扭曲聲音。我那時心想：

"Oh my gosh, he sounds like a Golden Retriever!"

「我的天，他聽起來像是一隻黃金獵犬！」

And so I say to him -- clear in my mind, I say to him:

於是我說：

"This is Jill! I need help!"

「我是 Jill ！我需要幫助！」

And what comes out of my voice is, "Woo woo woo woo woo."

不過從我口中出來的卻是：「嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚」

I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a Golden Retriever."

我心想：「我的天，連我都變成黃金獵犬了」

So I couldn't know -- I didn't know that

這時我才發現，我根本無法說話

I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.

也聽不懂別人說的話