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  • Hello.

  • I'm Greg Tuculescu.

  • And today...

  • [laughs]

  • Today we're gonna talk about Vlad the Impaler.

  • The real man behind...

  • Dracula.

  • So, it's 1447,

  • and Vlad III from Wallachia

  • is a political prisoner in the Ottoman Empire.

  • And Vlad is like, I wanna go back to my dad.

  • I'm a prince! I'm an heir to the throne!

  • And Radu, Vlad's brother, is like,

  • I kinda like it here.

  • I really like the salt and sun and Memed II.

  • And Memed's like, I like you too.

  • And then, out of nowhere this boyar shows up.

  • This nobleman.

  • And he's breathless, and he's like, Vlad!

  • I have bad news. Your father is dead.

  • He's dead. He was killed by rival boyars.

  • And Vlad is like,

  • I'd like to avenge my father's death, please.

  • Can you please release me?

  • And they're like, [belches] okay.

  • But Radu's gonna stay here if that's cool.

  • And Radu's like, yeah, I love it here.

  • So, um, he rides to Wallachia,

  • kicks down the door, and he's like,

  • you ain't gonna take away our freedoms.

  • [giggles] [loud thud]

  • - Ohh. Watch that head.

  • - Oww.

  • Anyway. He's like, sweet.

  • I'm pretty much prince of Wallachia.

  • Let's have a partaaay!

  • And he invites all these boyars.

  • He's like, guys, let's [bleep] bury the hatchet.

  • I know you killed my father. That's fine.

  • You don't worry-- but don't worry about it.

  • You killed my dad. That's okay.

  • So the boyars are like,

  • we'll [bleep] do whatever you feel like is good.

  • They like, drink and have a great time.

  • Uh... [giggles]

  • And then they're gonna leave, and they're like,

  • great, thank you so much, but we had such a great time.

  • We're gonna head out.

  • And Vlad's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • Shut the doors.

  • [doors slamming]

  • All the boyars are like, wait, what?

  • So, Vlad's like, you know what I'm gonna do?

  • I'm gonna take a stake that's like sharpened

  • almost to a point-- kind of.

  • Not to a point. A little rounded.

  • And I'm gonna shove it up your butthole.

  • And then I'm gonna, like, go into your esophagus,

  • and then I'm gonna stick it out your mouth.

  • [whispers] I'm going to impale you.

  • And he does that to 200 boyars.

  • It's... [laughs]

  • It's [bleep] sadistic.

  • And he impaled [bleep] 200 boyars.

  • In his court in... [talking gibberish, laughing]

  • Vlad is like, call me Dracula.

  • So, he's, like, going around doing this to everybody.

  • He's like, you, you look like you're an adulterer.

  • You, you look like you're lazy.

  • You, you look like you're a thief!

  • I'm gonna impale all of you!

  • And he impales them.

  • And he burns the whole [bleep] town to the ground.

  • And there's a German monk there and he's like,

  • [German accent] oh, mein Gott!

  • He's dipping his bread in the blood of his victims!

  • Und he's eating it!

  • [normal voice] That's a vampire.

  • He instorters... He instorters?

  • He ins...he... - [sniggers]

  • - Instills order in Wallachia.

  • So, Memed is like,

  • your brother wants to be called "Dracula."

  • And Radu's like, [laughs] Dracula?

  • That just means, like, son of Dracul

  • which we both are.

  • That's lame.

  • And Memed's like,

  • we should definitely attack Vlad

  • because Vlad's being a super dick.

  • So, Memed crosses into Wallachia

  • with these, like, 60,000 troops

  • and Dracula's like,

  • I get it. I'm outnumbered.

  • So, I'm gonna retreat,

  • but what I want you guys to do--

  • my colonels and lieutenants and generals and shit--

  • I want you to burn [whispers] everything!

  • And they're like, all right, but we're, like,

  • [bleep] up our own land.

  • And he's like, yes!

  • [whispers] Destroy Wallachia...

  • Vallachia.

  • So, they do it.

  • And they [bleep] up everything.

Hello.

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