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  • The moment

  • to settle down used to be when you had a bit of spare money and a decent job.

  • Then when things became more romantic it became all about being

  • deeply in love with someone. But both these criteria

  • are now heavily outdated. These are the six things

  • you need to do to signal you're ready to settle down and have a chance of

  • a successful

  • long term relationship. The moment to settle down

  • is when you finally realize your partner is deeply

  • imperfect. They have a hundred different flaws,

  • they're maddening in all sorts of ways and are riddled with psychological neurosis

  • that make them very hard to deal with.

  • However, there is an important additional realization.

  • Everyone is in fact like this. Once you get below the charming

  • outer surface. No one else will be better. We're a fundamentally

  • flawed species.

  • There's no such thing as a right person, everyone is wrong

  • in fascinating and enragingly diverse ways.

  • We think love is about being understood

  • for all the secret vulnerable parts of us that others don't

  • grasp. But however much the other seems to understand us

  • there will always be huge tracks of our psyches that remain

  • utterly incomprehensible to others. No one probably understands

  • and can therefore fully sympathize with anyone else.

  • For a long time it's easy to pretend one's normal,

  • even quite easy going. But it's time to settle down when you're mature enough to have an

  • active sense of what a liability you are. You're out of control for regular periods,

  • you lose perspective, you're anxious all the time. You're mature

  • when you can be deeply embarrassed about who you are and are prepared to apologize for the

  • fact

  • on a regular basis.

  • Confusingly we speak of love as one thing when it's in fact

  • two. Being loved and loving.

  • We should settle down when we are finally ready to stop

  • always wanting to be loved and pick up the ropes that far less familiar activity,

  • actually loving someone. The unhelpful feelings that

  • love is all about being loved starts in childhood.

  • To the child it feels as if the parent is simply spontaneously on hand

  • to comfort, entertain, feed, clear up

  • and remain almost always warm and cheerful. Parents don't reveal to

  • their kids how often they've bitten their tongue, fought back the

  • tears, and been too tired to take off their clothes

  • after a day of child care. The relationship is almost entirely

  • nonreciprocal. Parent and child may both

  • love, but each party is on a very different end of

  • the axis, unbeknownst to the child. That's why in adulthood

  • when we first say we long for love, what we predominately mean

  • is that we want to be loved as we all onced loved by a parent.

  • We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be ministered to and indulged.

  • We want someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want,

  • be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly

  • and make it all better. This is, naturally

  • a disaster. For a relationship to work

  • we need to move firmly out of the child mode and into

  • the parental one.

  • The romantic person instinctively sees relationships

  • in terms of emotions. But what a couple actually get up to together over

  • a lifetime

  • has much more in common with the workings of a small business.

  • The two people must clean, chauffeur, cook, fix, throw away,

  • hire a budget. None of these activities has any glamour whatsoever within

  • the current arrangement of society. Those obliged to do them

  • are therefore highly likely to feel that something has gone wrong with their

  • lives. That having to involve themselves so closely with them.

  • And yet these tasks are truly romantic

  • in a sense of conducive sustaining of love and are the

  • bedrock of any successful relationship. At the alter

  • new couples should take a mutual vow, "I accept the dignity

  • of the ironing board..."

  • There's an idea that being loved means that your partner will never

  • try to change you. But they should and must want to change you

  • because you're deeply imperfect and in need of some severe remolding

  • in all sorts of areas. If you're not ready for it, it may look

  • like hostility and you may respond defensively. But you're ready to settle down

  • when you can bear to have things pointed out to you. You should at

  • key points, see them as the theacher and you as the pupil, and vice versa,

  • with neither side

  • losing their tempers. Relationships are meant to be an education

  • towards becoming two better people. Not a process of acceptance for

  • everything one already is. With these dark and sober criteria in mind

  • we can go back into the world of relationships, sure of a brighter,

  • longer and more realistic future.

The moment

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B1 中級 英國腔

你什麼時候準備安定下來? (When are you ready to settle down?)

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    Helena 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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