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  • One of the paradoxes of the dating game is that we know that by coming across as enthusiastic at an early stage...

    其中一個關於約會的迷思就是,在初期表現得太熱情的話...

  • If we ring them the next day, if we're open about how attractive we find them, if we suggest meeting them again very soon, we are putting ourselves at a high risk of disgusting the very person we would so like to build a relationship with.

    如果我們第二天就打給他、如果我們太輕易顯露自己有多喜歡他們、如果我們很快建議下次約會的時間,那我們可能會害自己陷入被想交往對象討厭的高度風險中。

  • It is, in order to counter this risk, that early on in our dating lives, we are taught by well-meaning friends to adopt a facade of cool and indifference.

    所以,為了應對這樣的風險,我們被出於善意的朋友們教導,在交往初期應該要顯得冷漠和不在意。

  • We become experts at deliberately not phoning or sending messages, at treating our dates in a carefully offhand manner, and in subtly pretending we don't much care if we never cross their paths again.

    我們成為了專家,可以刻意不打電話、不回訊息,總以謹慎的方式對待戀愛對象,並巧妙地假裝自己對兩人錯過彼此並不那麼在意。

  • We are told that the only way to get them to care about us is to pretend not to care for them, and in the process, we waste a lot of time.

    我們被告知說,唯一一個能讓他們在意我們的方式就是假裝自己不在意,但在這過程中,我們浪費了很多時間。

  • We may lose them altogether, and we have to suffer the indignity of denying that we feel a desire that should never have been associated with shame in the first place.

    我們可能會因此失去他們,而且還要忍受否認自己喜歡心情的侮辱感,但這樣的心情從來就不該與羞愧感劃上等號。

  • But we can find a way out of the conundrum by drilling deeper into the philosophy that underpins the well-flagged danger of being overly eager.

    但是,我們可以通過更深入探究這被標籤化的「過度渴望的風險」背後的哲理,來找到解決難題的出路。

  • Why is detachment so often recommended?

    為什麼保持距離這件事總是被大家建議?為什麼我們不能太快打給他?

  • Why are we not meant to call too soon?

    為什麼我們不能太快打給他?

  • High levels of enthusiasm are generally not recommended for one central reason: because they have been equated with what is a true psychological problemmanic dependence.

    高度的熱情在普遍上不受歡迎,其實有一個核心原因,那就是它已經被視作等同於一種心理疾病—— 過度依賴症 (manic dependence)。

  • In other words, calling too soon has become a symbol of weakness, desperation, and the inability to deal adequately with life's challenges, without the constant support of a lover, whose real identity, the manically keen party doesn't much care about.

    也就是說,太快打電話象徵著軟弱、絕望、以及缺乏在愛人支持以外獨立面對人生挑戰的能力,他們的真實面是過度熱衷的一方,並不特別在意愛人本身。

  • Because their underlying priority is to ensure that they're never alone without someone rather than with any one being in particular.

    因為他們的重點和優先都放在陪伴與不孤獨上,而不會關注要與某個特定的人在一起。

  • But we should note that what is ultimately the problem is manic dependence, not high enthusiasm.

    但我們必須知道,歸根究底,問題是在過度依賴症而不是高度熱情。

  • The difficulty is that our cultural narratives have unfairly glued these two elements together with an unnecessarily strong and unbudging kind of adhesive.

    困難在於,我們的文化敘事用一種不必要地強烈且堅定不移的膠粘劑將這兩個要素不公正地黏合在一起。。

  • Yet, there should logically be an option to disentangle the two strands, that is to be able to reveal high enthusiasm and, at the same time, not thereby to imply manic dependence.

    然而,邏輯上應該會有一個選項能解開這兩條糾纏在一起的線,而那就是找到同時表現出熱忱但卻不會被視為過度依賴的方法。

  • There should be an option to appear at once very keen and very sane.

    應該有一個選項,是能同時表現出極為渴望與極具理智的。

  • The ability to do so depends on a little-known emotional art, to which we seldom have recourse or introduction.

    這樣的能力取決於一個鮮為人知的情感藝術,而我們幾乎不會去應用或介紹它。

  • We call it strong vulnerability.

    它被稱作脆弱的力量。

  • The strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat of the emotions, who manages carefully to unite on the one hand, self-confidence and independence, and on the other, a capacity for closeness, self revelation, and honesty.

    一個擁有脆弱力量的人是情感的外交官,他可以小心地管理並整合兩個面向,其中一面是自信與獨立,而另一面則是給予緊密關係的空間、表露自己的情感和誠實。

  • It is a balancing act. The strongly vulnerable know how to confess with authority to a sense of feeling small.

    這是保持平衡的行為。一個擁有脆弱力量者知道如何向權威承認自己的渺小。

  • They can sound in control even while revealing that they have an impression of being lost.

    他們可以在顯露出自己感到迷失的同時,讓別人聽起來是不失控的。

  • They can talk as adults about their childlike dimensions.

    他們可以像大人般談論自己天真爛漫的一面。

  • They can be unfrightening at the same time as admitting to their own fears.

    他們可以大膽地承認自己的恐懼。

  • And they can tell us of their immense desire for us while simultaneously leaving us under the impression that they could fully survive a frank rejection.

    他們可以告訴我們自己的巨大渴望,但同時給予一個即使被坦然拒絕也能豁達地走出來的印象。

  • They would love to build a life with us, they imply, but they could very quickly and adroitly find something else to do if that didn't sound much like fun from our side.

    他們暗示自己期待與我們建立關係,但如果我們對此並不感興趣,他們也可以快速且熟練地找到其他事情去投入。

  • In the way that the strongly vulnerable speak of their desire for us, we sense a beguiling mixture of candor and independence.

    這脆弱的力量在於他們可以說出自己對我們的渴望,而讓我們感知到坦白和獨立這充滿魅力的結合。

  • They don't need to play it cool because they carry off high enthusiasm in a way which sidesteps the dangers that playing cool has traditionally and nefariously been associated with.

    他們不用玩什麼欲擒故縱,因為他們表現熱忱的方式已經讓他們躲過了欲擒故縱在傳統上被不妖魔化地認定的風險。

  • What is off-putting is never in fact that someone likes us.

    真的讓人不開心的不是別人喜歡我們的事實。

  • What is frightening is that they seem in danger of having no options other than us, of not being able to survive without us.

    真的令人恐懼的是他們對我們的過度依賴,好像他們除了我們之外沒有其他選項。

  • Manic dependence not enthusiasm is only ever the problem.

    過度依賴症才是真正的問題,而不是熱情。

  • With this distinction in mind, we should learn to tell those we like that we're really extremely keen to see them again, perhaps as early as tomorrow night, and find them exceptionally marvelous.

    一旦分清楚這兩者的差異,我們就該學習好好告訴自己心儀的人我們真的很想和他們見面,快的話也許明天晚上,同時表現出極度欣賞他們的心。

  • While simultaneously, leaving them in no doubt that we couldif the answer were nowithout trouble, and at high speed, find some equally enchanting people to play with and be bewitched by.

    同時,也要讓他們清楚地知道,即使他們拒絕,我們也能快速且毫無阻礙地找到下一個一樣迷人的人,能夠與其相伴、相互吸引。

  • If you enjoyed our film, please subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon to turn on notifications.

    如果你喜歡我們的影片,請訂閱我們的頻道並點開小鈴鐺,打開通知功能。

  • To learn more about love, try our book on how to find love, which explains why we have the types we do, and how our early experiences shape how and whom we love.

    想了解更多關於愛情的內容,歡迎參考我們的書「如何找到愛情 (how to find love) 」,它解釋了為甚麼我們喜歡某類型的人,以及童年經驗如何影響我們現在的戀愛關係。

One of the paradoxes of the dating game is that we know that by coming across as enthusiastic at an early stage...

其中一個關於約會的迷思就是,在初期表現得太熱情的話...

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B1 中級 中文 英國腔 脆弱 熱情 渴望 打給 風險 表現出

秒讀錯了嗎?!暗戀的時候真的需要欲擒故縱嗎? (Should We Play It Cool When We Like Someone?)

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    Helena 發佈於 2019 年 11 月 11 日
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