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  • Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what?

  • I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch

  • of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right?

  • I'm not "Will & Grace."

  • [laughter]

  • Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here.

  • - That hurts, Blake. That hurts.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Uh, you know, the only difference

  • between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser

  • is Larry could actually pass as 33.

  • [audience groaning]

  • - Devastating!

  • - I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier.

  • I--

  • [laughter]

  • I just--yeah.

  • Nikki, look at you.

  • You damaged little climber.

  • [laughter]

  • You know, Nikki was the only girl

  • kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking.

  • [laughter]

  • Adam Carolla is here.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy

  • who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds."

  • [audience groaning]

  • - Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up.

  • Give it up.

  • Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat

  • must have turned this down, huh?

  • [laughter]

  • Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much

  • you love that black pussy.

  • [audience clamoring]

  • Nice to meet you, by the way.

  • [laughter]

  • Big fan.

  • Chris Redd looks like a police sketch

  • of someone doing blackface.

  • You look like Nephew Jemima.

  • - Oh, shit!

  • Don't talk about my auntie like that.

  • - Dude, dude, dude.

  • - Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?

  • Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.

  • Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

  • Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.

  • Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,

  • finally confirming that no one in that family

  • wants a white dick.

  • [audience clamoring]

  • Oh.

  • - Oh.

  • - Thought she was coming after me there for a second.

  • Caitlyn's pussy is so young...

  • - How young is it?

  • - Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig.

  • Look, look, for real, I know we're all here

  • making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly,

  • I want to take this moment to publicly thank you.

  • As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery.

  • As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened.

  • And on behalf of the entire NBA

  • and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts,

  • I want to thank you for giving your daughters

  • their daddy issues.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin.

  • Give it up.

  • Alec, I can tell you're from New York

  • because just like the Knicks, you've somehow

  • gotten worse every year since the 90s.

  • You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner

  • that saves money by massaging the players himself.

  • And I played for Donald Sterling, so...

  • You might think Alec's had an easy life,

  • but he's had hardships.

  • He once had someone take his parking spot.

  • Another time, a flight attendant

  • asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff.

  • And according to Alec's reactions,

  • those are the two worst things to ever happen to him.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • In the NBA, we have a term for people like you.

  • It's a bad teammate.

  • Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross"

  • with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him

  • that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"?

  • [audience clamoring]

  • I would have told him.

  • Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight

  • because tonight I learned you're a family man,

  • you give to charity, and you're a big enough man

  • to sit up here and let us roast you.

  • You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • [upbeat music]

Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what?

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布雷克-格里芬燒燬亞當-卡羅拉和慶祝凱特琳-詹娜(全集)--亞歷克-鮑德溫的烤肉 (Blake Griffin Burns Adam Carolla & Celebrates Caitlyn Jenner (Full Set) - Roast of Alec Baldwin)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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