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  • I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --

    譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: SF Huang

  • literally, a couple, married couple.

    我和兩個朋友一起坐在酒吧裡—— 明確來說是一對已婚夫妻。

  • They're the parents of two young children,

    他們是兩個小孩的父母,

  • seven academic degrees between them,

    兩人的學位加起來有七個,

  • big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.

    大怪咖,很好的人, 但非常缺乏睡眠。

  • And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.

    他們問我一個

  • They go, "So, Emily,

    我最常被問到的問題。

  • how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection

    他們說:「所以,艾蜜莉,

  • over multiple decades?"

    伴侶要如何在數十年間

  • I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,

    仍然維持熱情的性關係?」

  • and I am also a big nerd like my friends.

    我是性教育家,因此我的朋友 會問我像這樣的問題,

  • I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.

    我和我朋友一樣是個大怪咖。

  • Research actually has pretty solid evidence

    我愛科學,這也是為什麼 我能給出個像樣的答案。

  • that couples who sustain strong sexual connections

    研究上有很確切的證據證明,

  • over multiple decades

    伴侶能維持數十年熱情的性關係

  • have two things in common.

    具有兩個共通點。

  • Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,

    在我告訴朋友那兩個共通點之前,

  • I have to tell them a few things that they are not.

    我得先告訴他們 哪些東西是他們沒有的。

  • These are not couples who have sex very often.

    他們不是很常有性行為的伴侶。

  • Almost none of us have sex very often.

    幾乎我們所有人都不常有性行為。

  • We are busy.

    我們很忙。

  • They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.

    他們也不是一定要有狂野、 大膽性愛關係的伴侶。

  • One recent study actually found

    一項近期的研究發現,

  • that the couples who are most strongly predicted

    若要預測伴侶之間是否最有可能

  • to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,

    有熱情的性愛和關係滿足感,

  • the best predictor of that

    最好的預測變數不是 他們的性行為類型,

  • is not what kind of sex they have

    也不是性行為的頻率與場所,

  • or how often or where they have it

    而是他們在性行為之後 是否還會彼此依偎擁抱。

  • but whether they cuddle after sex.

    他們不見得是那些總迫不及待地

  • And they are not necessarily couples

    想把彼此的手拿開的伴侶。

  • who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.

    有些是。他們經歷的是研究者 所謂的「自發性慾望」,

  • Some of them are.

    性慾就這麼沒來由地出現。

  • They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"

    幫我的書畫插畫的是 漫畫家埃里卡.莫恩,

  • that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.

    她把自發性慾望畫成是 打向生殖器的閃電——

  • Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,

    砰!——你就是沒來由地想要做愛。

  • draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --

    那絕對是體驗性慾望的方式中 很正常、健康的一種。

  • kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.

    但還有另一種健康的方式 可以體驗性慾望。

  • That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.

    叫做「反應性慾望」。

  • But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.

    自發性慾望似乎展現在 期待愉悅的感覺,

  • It's called "responsive desire."

    而反應性慾望則是對愉悅感覺的回應。

  • Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,

    紐澤西州的性治療師 克莉絲汀.海德,

  • responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

    教了我她對客戶用的傳神比喻。

  • There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,

    她說,想像你最要好的朋友 邀請你去一個派對。

  • who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.

    你答應了,因為那是 你最要好的朋友而且是個派對耶。

  • She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.

    但隨著日子的到來,你開始想:

  • You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.

    「啊,到時候路上車子會一大堆。

  • But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,

    我們得找人帶小孩。

  • "Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.

    我真的想穿上派對的衣服, 在週末時跑到那裡去嗎?」

  • We have to find child care.

    但你穿上了派對的衣服, 出現在派對現場,

  • Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on

    會發生什麼事?

  • and get there at the end of the week?"

    你在派對上玩得很開心。

  • But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,

    如果你在派對上玩得很開心,

  • and what happens?

    你就做對了。

  • You have a good time at the party.

    性關係也是一樣的道理。

  • If you are having fun at the party,

    你穿上你的派對衣服,

  • you are doing it right.

    你安排好了人來照顧孩子,

  • When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.

    你身體躺在床上,

  • You put on your party clothes,

    你讓你的肌膚觸碰伴侶的肌膚,

  • you set up the child care,

    喚醒你的身體並想起來:

  • you put your body in the bed,

    「喔,對!我喜歡這件事。

  • you let your skin touch your partner's skin

    我喜歡這個人!」

  • and allow your body to wake up and remember,

    那就是反應性慾望,

  • "Oh, right! I like this.

    若要了解能長時間 維持熱情性愛的伴侶,

  • I like this person!"

    這就是關鍵,

  • That's responsive desire,

    因為——我也有跟我朋友提到這部分,

  • and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

    能維持熱情性愛的伴侶有兩項特徵——

  • over the long term,

    第一,他們關係的基礎 在於深厚的友誼。

  • because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends

    明確來說,他們對彼此 有強烈的信任感。

  • the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --

    身兼關係研究者、治療師

  • one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.

    與情緒取向治療的開發者蘇.強生

  • Specifically, they have strong trust.

    把信任歸結為這個問題:

  • Relationship researcher and therapist,

    你會在我身邊支持我嗎?

  • developer of emotionally focused therapy,

    特別是你在情感上真的與我同在 且願意騰出時間給我嗎?

  • Sue Johnson,

    朋友會在身邊支持彼此。

  • boils trust down to this question:

    那是第一。

  • Are you there for me?

    第二項特徵是,他們的性愛有優先權。

  • Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?

    他們認定性對於他們的關係很重要。

  • Friends are there for each other.

    他們選擇將其他的事擺一旁——

  • One.

    像是照顧孩子、要做的工作、

  • The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.

    關心其他的家人、約朋友出去。

  • They decide that it matters for their relationship.

    但願他們不是只想 看一下電視或去睡覺。

  • They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --

    不去做所有上述的這些, 並創造出一個受保護的空間,

  • the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,

    而你要做的就只有把身體放在床上,

  • the other family members to pay attention to,

    讓你的肌膚觸碰你伴侶的肌膚。

  • the other friends they might want to hang out with.

    就這樣:

  • God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.

    最要好的朋友,

  • Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space

    把性愛設為優先事項。

  • where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed

    我在酒吧對我的朋友說了這些:

  • and let your skin touch your partner's skin.

    最要好的朋友、把性愛設為優先, 我還提了派對的比喻,

  • So that's it:

    把你的肌膚貼在伴侶的肌膚旁。

  • best friends,

    聽我說的夫妻之一說:「啊……」

  • prioritize sex.

    (笑聲)

  • So I said this to my friends in the bar.

    而我說:「好,這就是你的問題。」

  • I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,

    (笑聲)

  • I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.

    困難之處不見得是他們不想要去派對。

  • And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."

    如果困難之處只是在於 缺乏去派對的自發性慾望,

  • (Laughter)

    你知道該怎麼做:穿上 派對衣服,出席派對。

  • And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."

    如果你在派對上 玩得很開心,就做對了。

  • (Laughter)

    他們的困難在於,

  • The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.

    她不喜歡這個派對上的食物,

  • If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,

    音樂也不是她喜歡的,

  • you know what to do:

    她不能完全確定自己是否很喜歡

  • you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.

    派對上的那些人。

  • If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.

    這常常發生:

  • Their difficulty was that this was a party

    深愛彼此的好人,

  • where she didn't love what there was available to eat,

    卻陷入懼怕性愛的夢靨中。

  • the music was not her favorite music,

    這些伴侶若去尋求性治療,

  • and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people

    治療師可能會要他們站起來,

  • who were at the party.

    把彼此身體的空間拉開到

  • And this happens all the time:

    雙方感到舒適的距離為止,

  • nice people who love each other come to dread sex.

    比較不感興趣的那一方會拉出

  • These couples, if they seek sex therapy,

    二十英尺的空間。

  • the therapist might have them stand up

    真正困難點在於那空間並非虛空的。

  • and put as much distance between their bodies as they need

    那空間中滿是累積了 數個星期、數個月

  • in order to feel comfortable,

    或更多的「你都沒在聽我說」、

  • and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.

    「我不知道我是怎麼搞的, 但你的批評並沒有幫助」、

  • And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.

    「如果你愛我,你就會如何如何」 及「你沒在我身邊支持我」。

  • It is crowded with weeks or months or more

    也許累積了數年的難受感覺。

  • of the, "You're not listening to me,"

    在我的書中, 我用了個很蠢的比喻,

  • and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"

    把難受的感覺比喻成愛睏的刺蝟,

  • and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."

    你在養育牠們, 直到你能找到方法,

  • Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.

    帶著仁慈和同理心 去面對牠們,放牠們自由。

  • In the book, I use this really silly metaphor

    至於很辛苦在維持熱情性愛的伴侶,

  • of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs

    他們之間的距離就滿是 這些愛睏的刺蝟。

  • that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free

    只要關係夠長久,這就有可能發生。

  • by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.

    你和你生命中很特別的那個人之間,

  • And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,

    也養了頭讓人刺痛的愛睏刺蝟。

  • the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.

    能維持和無法維持熱情性愛的伴侶,

  • And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.

    差別不在於他們沒有經歷過 這些難過的受傷感覺,

  • You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs

    而在於他們帶著仁慈和同理心

  • between you and your certain special someone.

    去面對那些難受的感覺,

  • The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

    於是便能釋放這些感覺,

  • and the ones who don't

    找出回到彼此身邊的路。

  • is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,

    所以,我在酒吧中的朋友面對的是 這個問題底下的問題,

  • it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings

    不是「我們要如何 維持熱情的性關係?」

  • with kindness and compassion

    而是「我們要如何找回曾有的美好?」

  • so that they can set them free

    是的,這個問題有科學的答案,

  • and find their way back to each other.

    但,身為性教育家的這二十五年,

  • So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,

    我學到一件事:艾蜜莉,有時,

  • not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"

    少點科學,

  • but, "How do we find our way back to it?"

    多點刺蝟。

  • And, yes, there is science to answer this question,

    所以,我跟他們說了我的事。

  • but in 25 years as a sex educator,

    我花了數個月的時間寫一本書,

  • one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,

    內容是關於女人性福的科學。

  • less science,

    我整天、每天都在想著性,

  • more hedgehogs.

    這個計畫給我很大的壓力,

  • So I told them about me.

    讓我對於真正做愛 完全零興趣——零!

  • I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.

    接著,我花了數個月四處旅行,

  • I was thinking about sex all day, every day,

    有任何人願意傾聽女人 性福的科學,我就和他們談。

  • and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest

    我回到家時,

  • in actually having any sex.

    我會出席派對, 把我的身體放上床,

  • And then I spent months traveling all over,

    讓我的肌膚觸碰我伴侶的肌膚,

  • talking with anyone who would listen

    我累壞了,無法招架, 我就只是哭泣然後睡著了。

  • about the science of women's sexual well-being.

    數個月的隔離,造成了

  • And by the time I got home, you know,

    恐懼、孤單還有挫折。

  • I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,

    好多刺蝟。

  • let my skin touch my partner's skin,

    這個人是我最要好的朋友, 是我很愛、很欣賞的人,

  • and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.

    卻感覺有一百萬英里之遙。

  • And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness

    但……

  • and frustration.

    他仍然在我身邊支持我。

  • So many hedgehogs.

    不論有多少難受的感覺,

  • My best friend, this person I love and admire,

    他都會帶著仁慈和同理心去面對。

  • felt a million miles away.

    他從來沒有離開。

  • But ...

    能維持熱情性關係的伴侶, 第二個特徵是什麼?

  • he was still there for me.

    把性愛列為最優先。

  • No matter how many difficult feelings there were,

    他們認定性對他們的關係很重要,

  • he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.

    他們不計代價找到返回關係的路。

  • He never turned away.

    我告訴我的朋友性治療師和研究者 佩吉‧克林普拉茨說的話。

  • And what was the second characteristic

    她問:什麼樣的性愛 是值得渴求的?

  • of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?

    我和我的伴侶檢視了 我們關係的品質,

  • They prioritize sex.

    及它帶給我們生活什麼樣的影響,

  • They decide that it matters for their relationship,

    我們檢視了我帶到

  • that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.

    我們家中的愛睏刺蝟家庭。

  • I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.

    我們認定是值得的。

  • She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?

    我們決定——我們選擇——

  • My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection

    付出代價去找到我們的路,

  • and what it brought to our lives,

    用仁慈和同理心面對每一隻 愛睏刺蝟,每一個難受的感覺,

  • and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs

    並解放牠們,讓我們 能找到返回的路,

  • I had introduced into our home.

    回到對我們之間很重要的關係。

  • And we decided it was worth it.

    我們聽到關於長期關係中的

  • We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,

    性慾望如何運作的故事, 通常都不是這樣的。

  • turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,

    但我認為沒有比把性愛列為最優先

  • those difficult hurt feelings,

    還更羅曼蒂克、

  • with kindness and compassion

    更性感的事了,

  • and setting them free so that we could find our way back

    因為那關係的重要性夠高,

  • to the connection that mattered for our relationship.

    即使我把那些難受的感覺 帶到我們的關係中。

  • This is not the story we are usually told

    要如何長期維持熱情的性關係?

  • about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.

    你看著你最要好朋友的雙眼,

  • But I can think of nothing more romantic,

    持續選擇要找到返回的路。

  • nothing sexier,

    謝謝。

  • than being chosen as a priority

    (掌聲)

  • because that connection matters enough,

  • even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.

  • How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?

  • You look into the eyes of your best friend,

  • and you keep choosing to find your way back.

  • Thank you.

  • (Applause)

I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: SF Huang

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A2 初級 中文 美國腔 TED 派對 關係 刺蝟 肌膚 慾望

【TED】Emily Nagoski:夫妻如何維持一生牢固的性聯繫(夫妻如何維持一生牢固的性聯繫|Emily Nagoski)。 (【TED】Emily Nagoski: How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime (How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | Emily Nagoski))

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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