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  • I lie on my bed and think I've killed someone, and I can lie

  • on my bed for three months at a time, four months at a time.

  • The realisation that I actually haven't done anything

  • can come up to six, seven months later.

  • Connor has battled for a long time

  • with his condition.

  • And there comes a point where

  • how long can you battle, you know, how long can you fight these intrusive thoughts.

  • Well the outcome of OCD if it's left untreated varies.

  • But for most people it will become a chronic condition

  • and it could go on for many years to come if you don't do anything about it.

  • The feedback that we've had from patients is that it has changed their life.

  • It is available in the NHS as well as private, but this is for only depression disorder.

  • I'm doing this film primarily to raise awareness for people with OCD

  • especially men, that may think talking out makes them less of a man

  • and I think that's completely the opposite. I think talking out makes you stronger.

  • I feel like this is the only option I've got left.

  • I'm just living, just living an existence. It's not a life to live.

  • As a child, very...

  • to me he was unique.

  • A little different to the others.

  • I revert to the occasion when he was going to get confirmed

  • and he wouldn't because he said "I'm a bad person, I'm not good enough to be confirmed"

  • so he knew at that time perhaps the intrusive thoughts he was experiencing.

  • The first time I remember having it I was about four years old.

  • It's just progressively got worse as I've got older

  • to the point now where it's just unbearable really.

  • Obsessive compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder

  • and that means it consists of both obsessions and compulsions.

  • So an obsession is an intrusive thought or image or

  • sensation, urge which is extremely distressing to the individual.

  • They reflect usually the person's values. So if you're a person who is generally

  • peace loving and want to be able to help people in the world, then you tend to get

  • intrusive violent thoughts.

  • I get these thoughts

  • every minute of every day.

  • So they primarily revolve around death

  • or they could be sexual, or they could be violent.

  • It's about me being a bad person, and how much I don't want be a bad person.

  • In this picture here this is sort of around the age

  • I think that the OCD was taking a hold of his life.

  • He'd come into my room and he'd talk about this incident that he thought had happened

  • which obviously hadn't happened,

  • and it was no matter how I reassured him

  • in his head it had escalated and become something that it wasn't.

  • So my first girlfriend, I remember we were waiting for the bus

  • and there were some bushes at the back of the bus stop

  • and I remember I got this intrusive thought

  • about people getting sexually assaulted in bushes and stuff like that.

  • And then obviously my girlfriend was next to me so I started panicking

  • thinking like "why would I think that when I'm with my girlfriend?" kind of thing

  • and I just burst out crying.

  • These sorts of thoughts are of course extremely shameful

  • to the individual with OCD.

  • And it's the things that they would hate to happen worst of all.

  • People hopefully will not take Connor's intrusive thoughts as Connor.

  • They are something that he doesn't want in his life.

  • Otherwise he wouldn't be striving to erase them.

  • When I get the thoughts the anxiety makes me panic.

  • I'll get headaches, I'll get dizzy.

  • Every time I bat off a thought it'll come back and the intensity will be a little bit higher

  • and then I'll bat that off and it'll get a little bit higher, and I'll bat that one off and

  • the intensity just goes up and up and up, to the point where I just can't cope with it.

  • The other flipside to obsessions is the compulsions and these are

  • things which have to be done over and over again.

  • they know that this is senseless and absurd. But because they are full of doubts they

  • believe well it could happen and I've got a sense of responsibility

  • that I do not want it to happen.

  • The key compulsions for me are, I get my phone out and I'll record my every move.

  • So in my car I've got a dash camera in the front which records

  • a 180 degrees so it gets pretty much both sides of the car.

  • When I've got my phone camera I'm always recording my other hand

  • so when I leave the house I know I haven't hit anyone with this hand.

  • So what have you been up to today lad?

  • Not much, just making some tunes.

  • That's the bottom melody, that's the middle melody, that's the top melody.

  • When do you reckon your first track will be released?

  • Soon hopefully.

  • Ahh, man.

  • The last family holiday we went on all together

  • I think it was about three or four years ago.

  • We all went on this night out and he was convinced something bad happened

  • We were all sitting outside the nightclub and one of the reps said to me

  • that I'd done some sexual stuff with him in the toilets.

  • And then he said "I'm only joking".

  • After that, once we'd flown home, and then my girlfriend came to visit me.

  • She could tell something wasn't right.

  • then about 10, 20 minutes later I just cracked, burst out crying.

  • Although I was there on the night out with him and I reassured him that nothing

  • bad happened, he genuinely believed, there was no telling him otherwise.

  • So I flew to Spain

  • unfortunately when I got to the nightclub the owner said they don't have CCTV.

  • I went to the hotel where the reps were staying and they were all like

  • "Connor, he's just joking" and the guy himself said he's just joking

  • then I just went to sleep on a bench that night slept for about six or seven hours

  • and then flew back home the next day.

  • My girlfriend left me.

  • I'd only been told about this sort of level of depression that you can get to

  • through my mum, but this time I witnessed it for myself.

  • Yeah I wouldn't wish it upon anyone really to be honest.

  • He can't live a normal life.

  • He's our son, we support him, but he feels guilt for that. That he can't pay

  • his own way. But he can't, he physically can't. You know he's had jobs over the years

  • but he can't get himself to work and he can't get himself home from work.

  • I'd be driving there and then I think I'd hit someone, and hit a pothole

  • and then my mind would think that's a person

  • so I'd have to drive back to that pothole, check

  • and I'd just be doing that for two or three hours, two or three hours

  • and I'd be knackered and I'd have to fill my petrol up in the car.

  • For the past year that I haven't been able to leave the house

  • just living an existence really in my bedroom.

  • Connor is a very caring soul, heart of gold, cares a lot about his family.

  • At every assessment Connor has we go through the questions:

  • "Have you thought about suicide?"

  • "Yes"

  • "Have you thought about how you would take your life?"

  • "Yes"

  • "Would you ever carry out that act?"

  • and his answer's always been "no" because of the impact on the rest of his family.

  • I'm very, very proud of the way he's coped with his condition because

  • as a mum you're supposed to be able to like

  • kiss it better or put a plaster on it, but you can't.

  • You can't see it.

  • So I have 200mg of Sertraline every morning when I get up and they're supposed to

  • lessen the compulsions of OCD, but to me I don't think they really work.

  • In the evening at about 10 o'clock before I go to bed I'll have Olanzapine

  • just a small amount of anti-psychotics.

  • They help me sleep and they're supposed to lessen the symptoms of OCD as well

  • but I don't really notice any difference, they just make me really docile.

  • He had an assessment with the early intervention psychosis team.

  • They commented on the extent of Connor's OCD that really he was

  • one of the worst cases that they had.

  • How are you today?

  • I'm good, thank you.

  • Great, would you like to come in?

  • TMS is also known as Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and it's a non-invasive

  • procedure where electrical magnet is

  • stimulating nerve cells in the brain

  • which can either inhibit or exhibit neuron activity

  • Are you relaxed? Brilliant.

  • So because of the overthinking and intrusive thoughts that OCD patients experience

  • the TMS machine dampens down those thoughts and those feelings

  • so it inhibits and it decreases the overactive communication

  • with the neurons in that region of the brain.

  • I just searched into Google: 'I cured my OCD'

  • and it came up with an article of a guy who had TMS and he had severe

  • intrusive OCD thoughts and he said that his head was empty.

  • TMS is available on the NHS as well as private. But this is for only depression disorder.

  • So with OCD when people do come in they start off firstly with a prescribed session

  • for up to 10 sessions, and that's when you would know if you are responding to TMS.

  • Each session costs £200 and a standard OCD patient

  • can go up to 30 sessions.

  • I worry about what he's going to do when mum and dad can't look after him.

  • What path this OCD and this condition is going to take him down.

  • At the moment I'm just living

  • just living an existence, it's not a life to live

  • and if this doesn't work I've always said to

  • mum, I've said there's not really any point in

  • me being on the Earth because I'm not living a life

  • I'd rather be asleep kind of thing.

  • If Connor could have this treatment, I would hope for a joyful future.

  • One where he can feel the happiness that I do.

  • What would be the first thing you did?

  • Go surfing.

  • Go surfing?

  • Yeah.

  • Where?

  • Go to Asia and just go surfing I think yeah.

  • That freedom to live and to not constantly have to check everything that you've done.

  • Not have to film every movement you make, you know it will be liberating, won't it?

  • It would mean the world to me if it works. I' be able to travel the world

  • work full time, make my own money. Get my own place.

  • Maybe be able to get a girlfriend again and not lose her

  • because of the negative thoughts.

  • Just live a normal life like everyone else really.

  • That would be a miracle.

I lie on my bed and think I've killed someone, and I can lie

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    tracy 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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