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I lie on my bed and think I've killed someone, and I can lie
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on my bed for three months at a time, four months at a time.
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The realisation that I actually haven't done anything
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can come up to six, seven months later.
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Connor has battled for a long time
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with his condition.
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And there comes a point where
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how long can you battle, you know, how long can you fight these intrusive thoughts.
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Well the outcome of OCD if it's left untreated varies.
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But for most people it will become a chronic condition
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and it could go on for many years to come if you don't do anything about it.
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The feedback that we've had from patients is that it has changed their life.
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It is available in the NHS as well as private, but this is for only depression disorder.
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I'm doing this film primarily to raise awareness for people with OCD
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especially men, that may think talking out makes them less of a man
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and I think that's completely the opposite. I think talking out makes you stronger.
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I feel like this is the only option I've got left.
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I'm just living, just living an existence. It's not a life to live.
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As a child, very...
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to me he was unique.
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A little different to the others.
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I revert to the occasion when he was going to get confirmed
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and he wouldn't because he said "I'm a bad person, I'm not good enough to be confirmed"
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so he knew at that time perhaps the intrusive thoughts he was experiencing.
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The first time I remember having it I was about four years old.
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It's just progressively got worse as I've got older
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to the point now where it's just unbearable really.
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Obsessive compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder
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and that means it consists of both obsessions and compulsions.
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So an obsession is an intrusive thought or image or
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sensation, urge which is extremely distressing to the individual.
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They reflect usually the person's values. So if you're a person who is generally
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peace loving and want to be able to help people in the world, then you tend to get
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intrusive violent thoughts.
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I get these thoughts
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every minute of every day.
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So they primarily revolve around death
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or they could be sexual, or they could be violent.
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It's about me being a bad person, and how much I don't want be a bad person.
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In this picture here this is sort of around the age
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I think that the OCD was taking a hold of his life.
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He'd come into my room and he'd talk about this incident that he thought had happened
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which obviously hadn't happened,
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and it was no matter how I reassured him
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in his head it had escalated and become something that it wasn't.
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So my first girlfriend, I remember we were waiting for the bus
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and there were some bushes at the back of the bus stop
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and I remember I got this intrusive thought
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about people getting sexually assaulted in bushes and stuff like that.
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And then obviously my girlfriend was next to me so I started panicking
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thinking like "why would I think that when I'm with my girlfriend?" kind of thing
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and I just burst out crying.
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These sorts of thoughts are of course extremely shameful
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to the individual with OCD.
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And it's the things that they would hate to happen worst of all.
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People hopefully will not take Connor's intrusive thoughts as Connor.
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They are something that he doesn't want in his life.
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Otherwise he wouldn't be striving to erase them.
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When I get the thoughts the anxiety makes me panic.
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I'll get headaches, I'll get dizzy.
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Every time I bat off a thought it'll come back and the intensity will be a little bit higher
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and then I'll bat that off and it'll get a little bit higher, and I'll bat that one off and
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the intensity just goes up and up and up, to the point where I just can't cope with it.
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The other flipside to obsessions is the compulsions and these are
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things which have to be done over and over again.
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they know that this is senseless and absurd. But because they are full of doubts they
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believe well it could happen and I've got a sense of responsibility
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that I do not want it to happen.
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The key compulsions for me are, I get my phone out and I'll record my every move.
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So in my car I've got a dash camera in the front which records
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a 180 degrees so it gets pretty much both sides of the car.
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When I've got my phone camera I'm always recording my other hand
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so when I leave the house I know I haven't hit anyone with this hand.
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So what have you been up to today lad?
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Not much, just making some tunes.
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That's the bottom melody, that's the middle melody, that's the top melody.
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When do you reckon your first track will be released?
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Soon hopefully.
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Ahh, man.
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The last family holiday we went on all together
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I think it was about three or four years ago.
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We all went on this night out and he was convinced something bad happened
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We were all sitting outside the nightclub and one of the reps said to me
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that I'd done some sexual stuff with him in the toilets.
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And then he said "I'm only joking".
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After that, once we'd flown home, and then my girlfriend came to visit me.
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She could tell something wasn't right.
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then about 10, 20 minutes later I just cracked, burst out crying.
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Although I was there on the night out with him and I reassured him that nothing
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bad happened, he genuinely believed, there was no telling him otherwise.
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So I flew to Spain
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unfortunately when I got to the nightclub the owner said they don't have CCTV.
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I went to the hotel where the reps were staying and they were all like
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"Connor, he's just joking" and the guy himself said he's just joking
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then I just went to sleep on a bench that night slept for about six or seven hours
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and then flew back home the next day.
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My girlfriend left me.
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I'd only been told about this sort of level of depression that you can get to
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through my mum, but this time I witnessed it for myself.
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Yeah I wouldn't wish it upon anyone really to be honest.
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He can't live a normal life.
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He's our son, we support him, but he feels guilt for that. That he can't pay
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his own way. But he can't, he physically can't. You know he's had jobs over the years
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but he can't get himself to work and he can't get himself home from work.
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I'd be driving there and then I think I'd hit someone, and hit a pothole
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and then my mind would think that's a person
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so I'd have to drive back to that pothole, check
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and I'd just be doing that for two or three hours, two or three hours
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and I'd be knackered and I'd have to fill my petrol up in the car.
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For the past year that I haven't been able to leave the house
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just living an existence really in my bedroom.
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Connor is a very caring soul, heart of gold, cares a lot about his family.
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At every assessment Connor has we go through the questions:
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"Have you thought about suicide?"
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"Yes"
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"Have you thought about how you would take your life?"
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"Yes"
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"Would you ever carry out that act?"
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and his answer's always been "no" because of the impact on the rest of his family.
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I'm very, very proud of the way he's coped with his condition because
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as a mum you're supposed to be able to like
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kiss it better or put a plaster on it, but you can't.
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You can't see it.
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So I have 200mg of Sertraline every morning when I get up and they're supposed to
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lessen the compulsions of OCD, but to me I don't think they really work.
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In the evening at about 10 o'clock before I go to bed I'll have Olanzapine
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just a small amount of anti-psychotics.
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They help me sleep and they're supposed to lessen the symptoms of OCD as well
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but I don't really notice any difference, they just make me really docile.
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He had an assessment with the early intervention psychosis team.
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They commented on the extent of Connor's OCD that really he was
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one of the worst cases that they had.
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How are you today?
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I'm good, thank you.
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Great, would you like to come in?
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TMS is also known as Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and it's a non-invasive
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procedure where electrical magnet is
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stimulating nerve cells in the brain
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which can either inhibit or exhibit neuron activity
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Are you relaxed? Brilliant.
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So because of the overthinking and intrusive thoughts that OCD patients experience
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the TMS machine dampens down those thoughts and those feelings
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so it inhibits and it decreases the overactive communication
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with the neurons in that region of the brain.
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I just searched into Google: 'I cured my OCD'
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and it came up with an article of a guy who had TMS and he had severe
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intrusive OCD thoughts and he said that his head was empty.
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TMS is available on the NHS as well as private. But this is for only depression disorder.
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So with OCD when people do come in they start off firstly with a prescribed session
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for up to 10 sessions, and that's when you would know if you are responding to TMS.
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Each session costs £200 and a standard OCD patient
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can go up to 30 sessions.
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I worry about what he's going to do when mum and dad can't look after him.
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What path this OCD and this condition is going to take him down.
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At the moment I'm just living
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just living an existence, it's not a life to live
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and if this doesn't work I've always said to
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mum, I've said there's not really any point in
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me being on the Earth because I'm not living a life
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I'd rather be asleep kind of thing.
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If Connor could have this treatment, I would hope for a joyful future.
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One where he can feel the happiness that I do.
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What would be the first thing you did?
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Go surfing.
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Go surfing?
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Yeah.
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Where?
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Go to Asia and just go surfing I think yeah.
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That freedom to live and to not constantly have to check everything that you've done.
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Not have to film every movement you make, you know it will be liberating, won't it?
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It would mean the world to me if it works. I' be able to travel the world
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work full time, make my own money. Get my own place.
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Maybe be able to get a girlfriend again and not lose her
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because of the negative thoughts.
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Just live a normal life like everyone else really.
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That would be a miracle.