is prepared to hear.

有些健康檢查消息是沒有人，

I certainly wasn't.

絕對沒有人準備好要聽的。

It was three years ago that I got a call in my office

至少我沒有準備好。

with the test results of a recent scan.

三年前，

I was 35 and finally living the life I wanted.

我在辦公室接到一通電話，

I married my high school sweetheart

通知我剛做過的掃描結果。

and had finally gotten pregnant after years of infertility.

那時我 35 歲， 終於過著自己想要的生活。

And then suddenly we had a Zach,

我嫁給從高中就開始交往的男朋友，

a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur,

多年不孕之後終於懷孕了。

depending on his mood.

然後突然我們就有了查克，

And having a Zach suited me perfectly.

完美無瑕的一歲男寶寶／恐龍，

I had gotten the first job I applied for in academia,

看他那天的心情如何。

land of a thousand crushed dreams.

有查克太適合我了。

And there I was,

我拿到了之前申請 學術界的第一份工作，

working at my dream job

那可是充滿了破碎的夢的地方。

with my little baby

我居然在那裡，

and the man I had imported from Canada.

做著我的夢想工作，

(Laughter)

還有個小寶寶，

But a few months before, I'd started feeling pain in my stomach

還有我從加拿大進口的男人。

and had gone to every expert to find out why.

（笑聲）

No one could tell me.

但是幾個月前，我開始有點胃痛，

And then, out of the blue,

遍訪專家要找出原因。

some physician's assistant called me at work

沒有人能告訴我為什麼。

to tell me that I had stage IV cancer,

然後，晴天霹靂，

and that I was going to need to come to the hospital right away.

有位醫師助理 打電話到我工作的地方，

And all I could think of to say was,

說我得了末期癌症，

"But I have a son.

還說我要立刻就醫。

I can't end.

而我能想到要說的只有：

This world can't end.

「可是我有個兒子。

It has just begun."

我不能死。

And then I called my husband, and he rushed to find me

這個世界不能結束。

and I said all the true things that I have known.

它才剛開始。」

I said, "I have loved you forever,

然後我打電話給我先生， 他趕過來找我，

I have loved you forever.

我對他說了所有我知道的真話，

I am so sorry.

我說：「我愛你愛了一輩子，

Please take care of our son."

我愛你愛了一輩子。

And then as I began the walk to the hospital,

對不起。

it crossed my mind for the first time,

請照顧我們的兒子。」

"Oh. How ironic."

然後，在我開始走路去醫院時，

I had just written a book called "Blessed."

有件事第一次閃過我的腦海，

(Laughter)

喔。多諷刺啊！

I am a historian

我才剛剛寫了一本書，叫《蒙福》。

and an expert in the idea that good things happen to good people.

（笑聲）

I research a form of Christianity nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"

我是歷史學家，

for its very bold promise that God wants you to prosper.

而且是「好人有好報」 這個想法的專家。

I never considered myself a follower of the prosperity gospel.

我研究一種基督教義， 暱稱「成功神學」，

I was simply an observer.

它非常大膽的承諾說神想要你成功。

The prosperity gospel believes that God wants to reward you

我從來不認為自己是 成功神學的信徒。

if you have the right kind of faith.

我只是觀察者。

If you're good and faithful,

成功神學相信神要獎賞你，

God will give you health and wealth

因為你有正確的信仰。

and boundless happiness.

如果你良善又忠心，

Life is like a boomerang:

神會賜你健康及財富，

if you're good,

還有無窮盡的快樂。

good things will always come back to you.

生命就像迴力鏢：

Think positively. Speak positively.

如果你良善，

Nothing is impossible if you believe.

美好的事物就會回到你身上。

I got interested in this very American theology

思考要正向。說話也要正向。

when I was 18 or so,

只要你相信，什麼都有可能。

and by 25 I was traveling the country interviewing its celebrities.

我開始對這種 非常美式的神學產生興趣，

I spent a decade talking to televangelists

那時我十八歲左右，

with spiritual guarantees for divine money.

二十五歲前，我已經在這個國家 四處訪問這方面的名人。

I interviewed countless megachurch pastors with spectacular hair

我花了十年的時間與電視佈道家談論

about how they live their best lives now.

靈命如何保證屬天財富。

I visited with people in hospital waiting rooms

我訪談了無數位大教會的牧師， 他們的髮型都好棒，

and plush offices.

談論他們如何在現在 活出最美好的人生。

I held hands with people in wheelchairs,

我去探訪在醫院等候室的人，

praying to be cured.

還有超豪華辦公室裡的人。

I earned my reputation as destroyer of family vacations

我握著坐輪椅的人的手，

for always insisting on being dropped off at the fanciest megachurch in town.

禱告他們得醫治。

If there was a river running through the sanctuary,

我贏得「聲譽」， 被稱為家庭度假摧毀者，

an eagle flying freely in the auditorium,

因為我總是堅持要去當地 最漂亮的大教會坐坐。

or an enormous spinning golden globe,

只要那裡有小溪穿過教堂，

I was there.

有老鷹在會堂裡自由飛翔，

When I first started studying this, the whole idea of being "blessed"

或是有個超大的旋轉金球，

wasn't what it is today.

我都會出現。

It was not, like it is now,

我開始研究這個的時候， 「領受祝福」這件事

an entire line of "#blessed" home goods.

跟今天完全不一樣。

It was not yet a flood of "#blessed" vanity license plates and T-shirts

那時，不像現在，

and neon wall art.

沒有整個「#蒙福」(#blessed) 系列的家居用品。

I had no idea that "blessed" would become one of the most common cultural cliches,

那時也沒有「#蒙福」 客製汽車牌照及短袖汗衫

one of the most used hashtags on Instagram,

及霓虹壁貼裝飾。

to celebrate barely there bikini shots,

我完全不知道「蒙福」會成為 被說到爛的文化陳詞，

as if to say, "I am so blessed.

被用到爛的 Instagram 主題標籤，

Thank you, Jesus, for this body."

被拿來讚揚清涼比基尼照，

(Laughter)

好像在說：「我真蒙福。

I had not yet fully grasped the way that the prosperity gospel

感謝耶穌給我這樣的身體。」

had become the great civil religion,

（笑聲）

offering another transcendent account

我還沒有完全掌握到成功神學

of the core of the American Dream.

怎麼變成全民信仰，

Rather than worshipping the founding of America itself,

給予美國夢的中心思想 另一個超然的根據。

the prosperity gospel worshipped Americans.

成功神學不是崇拜創建美國這件事，

It deifies and ritualizes their hungers,

而是崇拜美國人。

their hard work and moral fiber.

它神化及儀式化美國人的渴望、

Americans believe in a gospel of optimism,

勤奮及道德品質。

and they are their own proof.

美國人信仰樂觀的福音，

But despite telling myself,

而他們自身就是證明。

"I'm just studying this stuff, I'm nothing like them,"

但是儘管我告訴自己

when I got my diagnosis,

「我只是研究這玩意， 我跟他們不一樣，」

I suddenly understood how deeply invested I was

當我得到診斷報告時，

in my own Horatio Alger theology.

我才突然明白我有多投入

If you live in this culture, whether you are religious or not,

我自己的霍瑞修·愛爾傑 努力就會成功的神學。

it is extremely difficult to avoid falling into the trap

如果你住在這個文化裡， 不管你有沒有信仰，

of believing that virtue and success go hand in hand.

都很難避免掉入

The more I stared down my diagnosis,

美德與成功肩並肩的思想陷阱裡。

the more I recognized that I had my own quiet version

我愈盯著自己的診斷，

of the idea that good things happen to good people.

就愈認清原來我自己

Aren't I good?

對好人有好報這個想法 有一個低調的版本。

Aren't I special somehow?

我不是很良善嗎？

I have committed zero homicides

我不是還算特別嗎？

to date.

我還沒犯過謀殺罪，

(Laughter)

至少到目前為止！

(Applause)

（笑聲）

So why is this happening to me?

（掌聲）

I wanted God to make me good

所以這怎麼會發生在我身上？

and to reward my faith with just a few shining awards along the way.

我希望上帝讓我變得良善，

OK, like, a lot of shining awards.

並因我的信心而能 一路得幾個光輝的獎賞。

(Laughter)

好吧，我承認，很多光輝的獎賞。

I believed that hardships were only detours

（笑聲）

on what I was certain would be my long, long life.

我相信苦難只是讓我在

As is this case with many of us, it's a mindset that served me well.

無庸置疑的漫漫人生中繞個路罷了。

The gospel of success drove me to achieve,

就像大多數人一樣， 這種心態對我很有幫助。

to dream big,

成功神學驅使我有成就，

to abandon fear.

作遠大的夢，

It was a mindset that served me well

放下恐懼。

until it didn't,

這種心態對我很有幫助，

until I was confronted with something I couldn't manage my way out of;

直到無用為止，

until I found myself saying into the phone,

直到我面對自己無力解決的問題，

"But I have a son,"

直到我發現自己對著電話說：

because it was all I could think of to say.

「可是我還有個兒子，」

That was the most difficult moment to accept:

因為那是我唯一能想到的話。

the phone call, the walk to the hospital,

那是最難接受的時刻：

when I realized that my own personal prosperity gospel

那通電話，去醫院的路，

had failed me.

在我明瞭我個人的成功神學版本

Anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me --

讓我大失所望的時候。

my hard work, my personality,

我自認自己還不錯或特別的部分

my humor, my perspective.

都不能拯救我——

I had to face the fact that my life is built with paper walls,

我勤奮的工作，我的人格，

and so is everyone else's.

我的幽默，我的觀點。

It is a hard thought to accept that we are all a breath away

我不得不面對事實： 我的人生是紙牆糊的，

from a problem that could destroy something irreplaceable

別人的也一樣。

or alter our lives completely.

我們很難接受這個想法， 就是在瞬息之間，

We know that in life there are befores and afters.

某個難處就會摧毀無可取代的事物，

I am asked all the time to say that I would never go back,

或完全改變我們的生活。

or that I've gained so much in perspective.

我們都知道人生有 「以前」和「以後」。

And I tell them no,

我總是被期待要說 「我永遠不會回頭，」

before was better.

或「我學到很多。」

A few months after I got sick, I wrote about this

而我都會跟他們說 「不是這樣，以前更好。」

and then I sent it off to an editor at the "New York Times."

我生病後幾個月，我寫下這個，

In retrospect, taking one of the most vulnerable moments of your life

然後送給紐約時報的某位編輯。

and turning into an op-ed

現在回想起來，

is not an amazing way to feel less vulnerable.

把人生最脆弱的時刻寫成專欄，

(Laughter)

好像也不是讓自己 感覺不那麼脆弱的好方法。

I got thousands of letters and emails.

（笑聲）

I still get them every day.

我收到無數封信件及電郵。

I think it is because of the questions I asked.

現在我每天還是會收到。

I asked: How do you live without quite so many reasons

我想這是因為我問的問題。

for the bad things that happen?

我問：你要怎麼毫無疑問的活下去，

I asked: Would it be better to live without outrageous formulas

如果壞事發生了？

for why people deserve what they get?

我問：這樣會不會過得更好， 如果沒有太過分的公式

And what was so funny and so terrible was, of course,

解釋為什麼人應得他們得到的？

I thought I asked people to simmer down

最好玩也是最可怕的地方當然是

on needing an explanation for the bad things that happened.

我以為我在請求大家平靜下來，

So what did thousands of readers do?

不要再要求解釋為什麼壞事發生了。

Yeah, they wrote to defend the idea that there had to be a reason

那麼千萬的讀者怎麼回應？

for what happened to me.

對啊，他們寫信來捍衛這個想法，

And they really want me to understand the reason.

就是發生在我身上的事一定有原因。

People want me to reassure them that my cancer is all part of a plan.

他們真的要我去了解原因。

A few letters even suggested it was God's plan that I get cancer

大家希望我向他們保證 我的癌症是計畫的一部分。

so I could help people by writing about it.

有幾封信甚至暗示著 我得到癌症是神的計畫，

People are certain it is a test of my character

所以我才能寫下來幫助別人。

or proof of something terrible I've done.

人們確信這是對我性格的考驗，

They want me to know without a doubt

或證明我做過可怕的事。

that there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos.

他們要我知道，毫無疑問，

They tell my husband,

這看似混亂的背後 一定有個隱而未見的邏輯。

while I'm still in the hospital,

他們對我先生說，

that everything happens for a reason,

當時我還在醫院，

and then stammer awkwardly when he says,

每件事發生都有理由，

"I'd love to hear it.

然後他們只能支支吾吾， 因為他回說：

I'd love to hear the reason my wife is dying."

「好啊，告訴我理由。

And I get it.

我要聽我妻子邁向死亡的理由。」

We all want reasons.

我恍然大悟。

We want formulas

我們都想要理由。

to predict whether our hard work will pay off,

我們要公式

whether our love and support will always make our partners happy

預測努力是否有回報，

and our kids love us.

預測我們的愛與支持 是否永遠都會讓另一半高興，

We want to live in a world in which not one ounce

讓我們的孩子愛我們。

of our hard work or our pain or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.

我們想要的世界裡，

We want to live in a world in which nothing is lost.

每一分努力、每一分痛苦， 或最深切的希望都不是枉然。

But what I have learned in living with stage IV cancer

我們想要的世界裡，沒有任何落空。

is that there is no easy correlation

但是我在與末期癌症共存下學到，

between how hard I try

我有多努力跟我的壽命 沒有簡單的關聯。

and the length of my life.

過去三年，我經歷的痛苦與創傷，

In the last three years, I've experienced more pain and trauma

比我想像能承受的多很多。

than I ever thought I could survive.

有一天我突然發現 我開過這麼多次腹部手術，

I realized the other day that I've had so many abdominal surgeries

我現在有第五個肚臍了，

that I'm on my fifth belly button,

而且這個肚臍是我最不愛的。

and this last one is my least favorite.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

但是同時，我也經歷了愛，

But at the same time, I've experienced love,

好多愛，

so much love,

很難解釋的愛。

love I find hard to explain.

有一天，我在讀

The other day, I was reading the findings

瀕臨死亡經驗研究基金會的發現，

of the Near Death Experience Research Foundation,

沒錯，有這種東西。

and yes, there is such a thing.

人們受訪談論他們 與死亡擦身而過的經驗。

People were interviewed about their brushes with death

各種情況都有：

in all kinds of circumstances:

車禍、生產、

car accidents, labor and delivery,

自殺。

suicides.

很多人都描述同樣一件怪事：

And many reported the same odd thing:

愛。

love.

我相信我會忽略這件事，

I'm sure I would have ignored it if it hadn't reminded me

如果沒有某件親身經歷的事 喚醒我的記憶，

of something I had experienced,

某件我覺得很難啟齒的事：

something I felt uncomfortable telling anyone:

當時我相信自己快死了，

that when I was sure that I was going to die,

我沒有生氣的感覺。

I didn't feel angry.

我感受到被愛。

I felt loved.

這是我所經歷過最超自然的事。

It was one of the most surreal things I have experienced.

在我應該覺得被神遺棄的時刻，

In a time in which I should have felt abandoned by God,

我沒有化為灰燼。

I was not reduced to ashes.

我覺得自己好像漂浮著，

I felt like I was floating,

漂浮在愛與禱告中——

floating on the love and prayers

來自工蜂般嗡嗡圍繞著我的人——

of all those who hummed around me like worker bees,

他們給我慰問卡、襪子和花，

bringing me notes and socks and flowers

還有繡著鼓勵話語的拼布被。

and quilts embroidered with words of encouragement.

但是當他們坐在我身邊，

But when they sat beside me,

將我的手握在他們手中，

my hand in their hands,

我自己的苦難開始更像是 別人的苦難向我顯明。

my own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me

我進入一個世界，裡面的人就像我，

the suffering of others.

芸芸眾生被破碎的夢絆倒——

I was entering a world of people just like me,

他們以為應得的夢——

people stumbling around in the debris

還有他們沒有意識到 已經做的計畫。

of dreams they thought they were entitled to

這是種莫名的感覺， 好像自己與別人更加連結，

and plans they didn't realize they had made.

更感同身受。

It was a feeling of being more connected, somehow, with other people,

那種感覺持續了好幾個月。

experiencing the same situation.

事實上，我已經太習慣這種感覺，

And that feeling stayed with me for months.

我開始恐慌可能會失去它。

In fact, I'd grown so accustomed to it

所以我開始問朋友、神學家、 歷史學家，我喜歡的修女：

that I started to panic at the prospect of losing it.

「那種愛的感覺沒有之後 我要怎麼辦？」

So I began to ask friends, theologians, historians, nuns I liked,

他們都完全懂我在說什麼，

"What I am I going to do when that loving feeling is gone?"

因為他們自己有親身經歷過，

And they knew exactly what I was talking about,

或有讀過關於這方面的 基督教神學偉大作品。