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  • Good morning, John today, I'm gonna tell you a bunch of jokes

    早安,我是John。今天我要告訴你們一大堆

  • that are gonna make you go "har har har"

    會讓你們笑得「哈 哈 哈」的笑話。

  • but you, really, you're gonna enjoy.

    但你們一定會很喜歡的。

  • You're gonna pretend that you don't enjoy, but you're gonna like 'em.

    你們一定會裝的不喜歡的樣子,但你們一定會喜歡上這些笑話。

  • I'm planning on beating my previous record; that will require fifty-two jokes

    我打算打破我上部影片的紀錄,將52個笑話

  • in less than four minutes.

    濃縮進4分鐘內。

  • Let's go.

    讓我們開始吧~

  • What do you call a five-foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

    你要如何稱呼一個5呎(150公分)高且患有精神病的逃獄犯?

  • A small, medium at large.

    小人(150公分高)、中等(意思是可以通靈)、at large(未被抓到的)(跟衣服的小、中、大的尺寸諧音。)

  • Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

    為什麼美人魚要配戴貝殼在身上?

  • 'Cause she grew out of her 'B' shells.

    因為她在牠的B殼中長大(B shell 到 C shell 代表從B罩杯到C罩杯)。

  • What concert costs forty-five cents?

    哪場演唱會只需要花你45美分?

  • 50 Cent ... featuring Nickelback.

    50 cent (美國饒舌歌手),Nickelback(五分錢合唱團)特別演出 (譯注:因為Nickel是5美分的意思,get a nickel back就是拿回5美分,而"nickel back"又跟"Nickelback"同字)

  • How did the hipster burn his tongue?

    如何讓一位文青燙傷自己的舌頭?

  • He drank coffee before it was cool.

    他沒等咖啡涼了才喝。(常用動詞+ before it was cool 來指文青在一件事流行之前就做過了,並以此顯示他們的非主流的獨特)

  • What is invisible and smells like carrots?

    什麼東西是隱形的,但聞起來像蘿蔔?

  • Rabbit farts.

    兔子的屁。

  • What do you call a fake noodle?

    你如何稱呼假的麵條?

  • An impasta!

    假的義大利麵!(譯注:impasta泛指魚目混珠的義大利麵,特色是跟一般的義大利麵有不同的形狀,是"imposter"(冒名頂替的)和"pasta"(義大利麵)的合體字)

  • What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

    當你把鐵達尼號和北極海混在一起時,你會得到什麼?

  • About halfway.

    半途中。(譯注:因為它在北極海沈船了)

  • How does Jack Frost get to work?

    傑克凍人怎麼去工作?(來自電影"捍衛聯盟")

  • Bi-icycle.

    用腳踏車。

  • Bi-icycle.

    用腳踏車。

  • By icicle.

    用冰柱。(譯注:腳踏車的結尾"-icycle"跟冰柱"icicle"同音)

  • Why did the Face of Boe go to the party by himself?

    為什麼Boe之臉要自己一個人去派對?(影集"神秘博士"的角色)

  • 'Cause he had no body to go with.

    因為他沒有身體能跟他一起去。(譯注:"no body"是沒有身體,但念快一點就變成"nobody",變成"沒有人跟他一起去")

  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    你要如何稱呼一隻沒有眼睛的魚?

  • A fsh [still pronounced "fish"].

    一隻魚(fsh)。(仍然發"fish"的音)(譯注:問題中"no eyes"沒有眼睛,同時跟"no i's"沒有"i"發音相同)

  • When I found out my toaster was not waterproof,

    當我發現我的烤麵包機沒有防水時,

  • I was shocked!

    我簡直嚇死了!(譯注:也可以翻成"我被電到了!"因為"shocked"這字有"驚嚇"和"觸電"兩個意思)

  • How often do I make chemistry jokes?

    我多常開跟化學有關的玩笑?

  • Periodically.

    週期性的。(譯注:化學週期表裡,period是週期的意思,表示一個橫排的元素)

  • I actually told one just the other day!

    (接續上一個笑話)老實說我前幾天剛開了一個化學笑話!

  • ...There was no reaction.

    ...聽的人沒什麼反應。(譯注:也可以翻成"...沒有發生任何化學反應。")

  • My boss, he told me to attach two pieces of wood together.

    我的老闆,交代我將兩片木頭弄在一起。

  • ...I totally nailed it.

    ...我三兩下就搞定了。(譯注:也可以翻成"...我用釘子把他們釘在一起了。"因為"nail"有"釘子"的意思,同時"nailed it"在英文厘語是"輕鬆搞定"的意思)

  • If the mushroom was such a fun guy (fungi),

    如果香菇是個這麼有趣的人(菌類),(譯注:"fun guy"有趣的人,跟"fungi"菌類,兩個同音)

  • why didn't they have the party at his house?

    為什麼他不再自己家裡辦個派對?

  • 'Cause there wasn't mush room! [laughs creepily]

    因為沒有軟軟的房間!(詭異的笑)(譯注:"mush room"軟軟的房間,唸快一點就變成"mushroom",香菇的意思)

  • Why did Cleopatra fall off the swing?

    為什麼人稱「埃及豔后」的克麗奧佩脫拉七世會從鞦韆上跌下來?

  • Because she's dead.

    因為她已經死了。

  • What's orange and sounds like parrots?

    什麼東西是橙色的,且唸起來像"parrots"?

  • Carrots.

    蘿蔔。

  • The spider just crawled onto my keyboard.

    有隻蜘蛛剛剛爬到我的鍵盤上。

  • Ookay, I think it's under control.

    好...吧,我想我控制住情況了。(譯注:也可以翻"我想它在ctrl鍵下面)

  • Heh, 'cause control's a key...

    (呵,因為ctrl是一個鍵...)

  • What does Gary Numan want to be when he grows up?

    Gary Numan長大後希望變成什麼樣子?

  • Gary Oldman. [laughs] Everyone wants to be Gary Oldman, though.

    Gary Oldman。(笑)每個人不都想成為Gary Oldman。(譯注:"Numan"跟"Newman",new 的相反就是 old. "Oldman"有"老人"的意思)

  • What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

    Michelle Obama最喜歡的蔬菜是什麼?

  • Yeah, it's broccoli. Barackoli, right?

    沒錯,就是花椰菜。花椰菜,對吧?(譯注:"Barackoli"跟"Broccoli"花椰菜同音,而美國總統歐巴馬的名字是"Barack",跟花椰菜前面的音節同音)

  • What are the strongest days of the week?

    一周裡那些天最強壯?

  • Saturday and Sunday. 'Cause all the rest, they're weak days (weekdays).

    禮拜六和日。因為其他天都是平日。(譯注:平日的英文"weekdays"跟"weak days"發音相同,後者是"虛弱的天數"的意思)

  • What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player?

    你要如何稱呼談班卓琴手手臂上的美女?

  • A tattoo.

    刺青。

  • I don't know why banjo players. I don't know!

    (我不知道為什麼要用班卓琴手,我真的不知道!)(抱歉了班卓琴手,真的,我愛你們,而且我相信女士們也喜歡你們)

  • My friends and I, we put on a performance about puns.

    我跟我朋友設計了一齣跟雙關語有關的表演。

  • ...It was basically just a play on words.

    ...基本上就只是在玩文字遊戲而已。

  • Why do the French only use one egg per omelet?

    為什麼法國人間一個蛋捲時只肯用一顆蛋?

  • Because, in France, one egg is un oeuf (enough). [laughs]

    因為,用法文稱一顆蛋為"un oeuf" (跟"enough"足夠同音)(笑)

  • What did the shy pebble wish?

    一顆害羞的鵝卵石的願望是什麼?

  • Just that she was a little bolder (boulder).

    想要變得更勇敢(大圓石)。(譯注:"bolder"勇敢,跟"boulder"大圓石同音)

  • A little boulder! Why is that so cute?

    更大一點的圓石!怎麼這麼可愛?

  • Did you hear that David lost his ID in Prague?

    你聽說了嗎?David在布拉格弄丟了他的身分證。

  • Now we just have to call him Dav.

    現在我們只能稱他為Dav了。(譯注:因為弄丟了"ID"身分證,弄丟了"id"兩個字母,所以David變成Dav)

  • Why was six afraid of seven?

    為什麼六那麼懼怕七?

  • Because seven has cold, dead eyes.

    因為七有冷冽的雙眼。

  • What do you call a pencil without lead?

    你如何稱呼一隻沒有鉛的鉛筆?

  • Pointless.

    毫無意義的。(譯注:也可以翻"沒有筆芯的")

  • Beethoven's favorite fruit?

    貝多芬最喜歡的水果是什麼?

  • Ba-na-na-na [singing, to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony].

    香香香蕉~(唱著貝多芬的第五號交響曲)

  • How do you make an octopus giggle ten giggles?

    你要如何讓一隻章魚傻笑十聲?

  • You give him ten tickles (tentacles).

    你要搔它十次癢(觸手)。

  • (Ten tickles!)

    (搔十次癢!)(譯注:"ten tickles"搔十次癢跟"tentacles"觸手發音相同)

  • Knock, knock!

    叩叩叩!

  • Who's there?

    誰在敲門?

  • Interrupting owl.

    擾人的貓頭鷹。

  • Interrupting owl

    擾人的貓頭鷹。

  • WHO!

    到底是誰!(譯注:"Who"聽起來像貓頭鷹的叫聲)

  • Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

    為什麼大猩猩的鼻孔特別大?

  • They have big fingers.

    因為他們手指比較粗。

  • Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

    雞的哪個部分有較多的羽毛?

  • The outside.

    外面。

  • A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    有隻馬走進一家酒吧,酒保問說:

  • "Why the long face?" And the horse says:

    「幹嘛沉著一張臉?」然後馬說:(譯注:酒保的話也可以翻說"你的臉怎麼那麼長?"因為...是馬嘛)

  • "I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart."

    「我終於了解到我酗酒的習慣是導致我家庭破裂的主因。」

  • What do you call a man who shaves twenty times a day?

    你如何稱呼一個每天刮20次鬍子的人?

  • A barber.

    理髮師。

  • What did one eye say to the other eye?

    一隻眼睛最想對另一隻眼睛說的話是什麼?

  • "Between you and me, man, something smells."

    「老兄,你跟我之間,有個東西臭臭的。」(譯注:"smell"有"臭味"的意思,"但如果是當"聞"的意思的話,就是指眼睛中間的鼻子了)

  • Never trust an atom; they make up everything!

    別相信原子;他們什麼都是編造的!(譯注:也可以翻"他們能組成任何東西!")

  • I took the shell off my racing snail, 'cause I thought maybe

    我把我競賽蝸牛的殼扒下來,因為我想或許

  • I'd make it a little faster,

    我可以讓它跑得快一點。

  • but if anything, it's more sluggish.

    結果非但沒讓它跑得更快,它反而更懶了。(譯注:龜兔賽跑的故事)

  • Why did the Dalek cross the road?

    為什麼戴立克要過馬路?(譯注:影集〈神秘博士〉的角色)

  • To enslave humanity.

    要去奴役人類。

  • What do you call Santa's little helpers?

    你如何稱呼耶誕老人的小幫手?

  • Subordinate Clauses.

    次要子句。(譯注:耶誕老人是"Santa Clause" "Subordinate"有次要的意思,而"Clause"是子句,又跟耶誕老人的第二個字同音,所以"Subordinate Clauses"就好像是比耶誕老人矮一等的職位)

  • What did the hat say to the hat rack?

    帽子跟帽架說什麼?

  • "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

    「你留在這,我要向前進了。」(我要到頭上去了,head是頭,ahead是往前的意思)

  • Why was the broom late for work?

    為什麼掃把遲到了?

  • 'Cause it overswept. (oversleptoverswept睡過頭的諧音)

    因為它掃過頭了。

  • Did you hear? Oxygen and magnesium are totally going out.

    你聽說了嗎?氧和鎂要出去約會。

  • It's, like, OMg.

    這根本是,我的天。(譯注:氧的符號是"O",鎂的符號是"Mg",所以合在一起就變"OMg" "Oh my god" "我的天")

  • Did you hear that the two antennas got married?

    你有聽說那兩根天線要結婚了嗎?

  • I heard the ceremony was kind of terrible, but the reception was awesome.

    我聽說典禮還辦的蠻糟的,但婚宴倒是挺不錯。(譯注:reception是接收也是婚宴。而天線是專門發送和接收訊息的

  • What's ET short for?

    如何用一句話交代〈ET〉這部電影?(也可翻成:為什麼 ET 那麼矮)

  • So he can fit on his space ship.

    所以它才能進到它的太空船裡。

  • Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

    你聽說了那個新的枕頭了嗎?

  • They're making head lines.

    他們頂上都縫有一條線。(譯注:"Head line"是"縫一條線",而念快一點變"Headline"是"頭條新聞"的意思,所以可以翻成"他們炒作了很多話題")

  • My granddad had the heart of a lion.

    我的爺爺有像獅子一樣的雄心壯志。(譯注:也可以翻成"我爺爺握有一顆獅子的心臟")

  • ...and a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo.

    ...所以他一生都沒辦法進去Bronx動物園。

  • Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?

    夏洛克,美國怎麼稱呼「小學」?

  • Elementary, my dear Watson.

    elementary,我親愛的華生。(注:我超不會學他們的腔調)

  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

    為什麼你從沒聽過pterodactyl先生去過洗手間?

  • 'Cause the "P" (pee) is silent.

    因為"P"(尿)是無聲的。(譯注:pterodactyl的"p"不發音,而"p"的音又跟"pee" "尿"的音相同)

  • A Golden Retriever and an Irish Setter are on vacation.

    一隻黃金獵犬和一隻愛爾蘭牧羊犬一起去度假,

  • The Irish Setter says to the Golden Retriever, "Man, I just met two Brazilian dogs."

    愛爾蘭牧羊犬跟黃金獵犬說:「老兄,我剛剛遇到兩隻巴西狗。」

  • And the Golden Retriever is like: "Oh, how, how many is a Brazilian?"

    然後黃金獵犬說:「哦,Brazilian 是多少?」(英文數字常以 lion 結尾例如 billion/trillion,音同 lian)

  • How do you cook toilet paper?

    你如何火烤衛生紙?

  • It's easy! You just brown it, and then you throw it into the pot.

    還不簡單!烤到它變棕色,然後丟到鍋子裡。(譯注:這跟上完大號後用衛生紙的步驟一模一樣,"pot"有"鍋子"或"馬桶"的意思)

  • Two whales walk into a bar.

    兩隻鯨魚走進一家酒吧,

  • One of them is like: "Hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh." [whale noises]

    其中一隻說:「嗯~~~嘛」(鯨魚聲)

  • And the other one is like,

    結果另一隻鯨魚說:

  • "Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!"

    「史帝夫,回家去吧,你醉了。」

  • I wasn't sure it was possible, but here we are,

    我不知道這可不可能,但看看,

  • fifty-three jokes and four minutes later.

    4分鐘內講完52則笑話。

  • Thank you, everybody on Twitter, for suggesting jokes for me.

    感謝推特的人提供我笑話。

  • If you want more like this, I've done a few of these over the years.

    如果你想看更多這類影片的話,下面有我這幾年做的影片。

  • And John, I'll see you on Tuesday.

    我是John,下個星期二見。

Good morning, John today, I'm gonna tell you a bunch of jokes

早安,我是John。今天我要告訴你們一大堆

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冷笑話-讓你噴飯的 53 則笑話 - Terrible Jokes!

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    VoiceTube   發佈於 2015 年 07 月 30 日
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