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  • The common-sense explanation for long-term singlehood directs the blame firmly outwards,

    一般對於長期處於單身生活的解釋,會很肯定地將過錯怪罪於外在環境

  • it isolates the problem to one of mechanics: one is still single because one hasn't,

    將問題與運作方式分隔開來:一個人仍舊單身是因為他

  • perhaps on account of having moved to a vast and anonymous new city, been invited to enough

    可能由於剛搬到大而無名的新城市,他還沒有受邀參加足夠的

  • parties, or because the constant requirement to fly to the Singapore office leaves no time

    派對,或是因為要時常飛到新加坡出差,所以沒有時間

  • for the right sort of socializing, or because one is holed up in a remote village high in

    適當的參與社交活動,又或者因為被困在偏遠山區裡的偏僻小鎮

  • the mountains connected to the more densely populated lowlands only by an irregular bus

    只能透過不定期的公車服務才能前往人口密集的山下城市

  • service. These may be solid enough reasons, but when the problem of singlehood persist over an extended

    這些可能是夠充分的理由,但當單身的問題持續一段時間後

  • period, their power to explain our situation weakens. Without anything remotely persecutory

    用這些理由來解釋單身情況的力度就變弱了。這麼說並沒有任何迫害

  • or unkind being intended by this, one is forced to cast around for psychological rather than

    或不友善的意圖,一個人被迫四處尋找心理上

  • procedural explanations. The problem must lie in our minds rather than in the world.

    而非程序上的解釋。問題一定出在我們的思想上不是生活上

  • And in the recesses of these minds, two issues

    在我們的思想深處,可以確認出兩個想法

  • diametrical yet complimentarycan often be identified: one is suffering from

    兩個相對又互補的想法:一方面要承受

  • an excess of self-hatred. Or from an excess of self-love. Self-hatred is the more poignant of the pair.

    過度的自我憎恨。或是過度的自戀。其中自我憎恨是最嚴厲的部分

  • On being approached by someone, however initially attractive and competent

    當某人接近時,不論最初他們多吸引人、多有能力

  • they might be, we begin to wonder why they should be so naive, so desperate, and so weak

    我們也開始質疑,為什麼他們如此天真、如此渴求,也如此軟弱

  • as to be drawn to someone like us. When we are inadequately convinced of our own likeability,

    以至於被我們這樣的人吸引。當我們不相信自己的魅力時

  • the attentions of another person must forever seem illegitimate and peculiar, and reflect

    我們會一直將其他人的關注視為不合理的、特殊的

  • poorly on their donor. Love feels like a gift we haven't earned, don't deserveand

    並對他們的善意給予惡劣的回應。愛就像是我們從未得到的禮物、不值得獲得的禮物

  • must therefore take care eventually to throw away. We might, under the pressure of self-hatred,

    必須好好照料,最後送離身邊。我們也許,在自我憎恨的壓力下

  • accuse our admirer of naivety. The only possible reason they can have to approve of us is that

    會指責我們的仰慕者太過天真。他們會支持我們的原因只有一個

  • they are poor judges of character. That is why they have missed all the more disturbed

    他們不擅於評斷一個人的性格。那就是為什麼他們沒察覺到我們所有更令人不安

  • and darker aspects of us. They like us only because they are blindand therefore a little stupid.

    更黑暗的那一面。他們喜歡我們,因為他們太過盲目 — 因此他們有點愚蠢

  • However, because they are bound to spot their error eventually, it is surely

    然而,因為他們最終必然會發現他們的錯誤

  • wiser to run away before we are exposed and abandoned. We end up alone because, despite

    在我們暴露出來或被拋棄前逃離是最明智的選擇。我們孤獨終老,因為儘管我們

  • our longing for affection, we don't in essence feel there are any good and lasting reasons

    渴望感情,實際上我們不覺得有任何好的、恆久的理由

  • why anyone would properly see us and like us. We may also, in the face of the gifts,

    說明為什麼有人會善意地看待我們、喜歡我們。我們或許同樣,在禮物面前

  • text messages or hugs we receive, start to feel that our admirer is, to a sickening degree needy.

    在面對我們收到的訊息或擁抱時,開始感覺到我們的仰慕者,貧困到了一種令人厭惡的程度

  • We feel repulsed by their need when we don't see ourselves as appropriate targets of anyone's need;

    當我們不認為自己是個能滿足任何人需求的適當目標時,我們會對他們的需求感到厭惡

  • we reject their nascent dependence because somewhere inside,

    我們拒絕他們的依賴,因為心裡某個地方

  • we are sure that we are not people to depend upon. And yet, of course, none of these spectres

    我們確信自己不是他們可以依靠的人。但是,當然,所有這些無形的恐怖根源

  • need to be real in the world outside our touchingly troubled minds. The person who is keen on

    都不需要存在於我們不安的心靈以外的真實世界。那些喜愛我們的人

  • us is almost certainly not naive. They can no doubt see us for what we are: they have

    幾乎可以肯定不是天真的。毫無疑問他們可以看清我們:他們有注意到

  • noticed many of our less admirable sides. It is just that they don't consider these fatal,

    我們有許多沒那麼好的一面。就只是他們覺得這些無關緊要

  • because they know that being not quite right is what all of us are and is no barrier to a mature relationship.

    因為他們知道我們都不會是個完美的人,但這不會是發展成熟關係的阻礙

  • They know we're not exactly who we think we should be, but

    他們知道我們不會完全成為我們希望的那種人,但是

  • they also grasp that this doesn't place anyone in the category of the damned. We might

    他們也理解,不能因此將任何人歸至令人厭惡的範疇。我們可能

  • be a bit perverted, a little silly and not as nice as we make outbut so is everyone else.

    有點扭曲、有點愚蠢,也沒有像我們理解的那麼好 — 但其他人也是如此

  • It's not that they are naive about us; we're ultimately naive about them.

    不是他們天真地看待我們;終究是我們天真地看待他們。

  • They know that every human has shadow sides. They've made peace with theirs (probably as a result

    他們知道每個人都有陰暗面。他們跟他們自己的陰暗面和平相處

  • of a fortunate childhood); they would like us to make peace with ours.

    (或許是由於有段幸運的童年生活);他們也會想要我們與自己的陰暗面和平共處。

  • Ahead of us, they understand that a person can be ordinarily imperfectand worthy of being cherished.

    他們比我們更早了解人無完人 — 並且值得被愛護

  • Then, at the other end of the spectrum, comes excessive self-love,

    然後,在極度自我厭惡的另一端,是極度自戀

  • which really means a hesitation around fully acknowledging what a challenging proposition one is

    這意思是,要完全承認一件事具有挑戰性時會相當猶豫

  • and therefore how much we should rightly be grateful for when someone, anyone with an ordinary share of strengths and weaknesses, looks our way.

    因此,當某些人看起來擁有與我們相同的優勢和弱點時我們要如何正確地感激他們

  • Perhaps because of the legacy of doting and forgivably biased parents, we are operating with an unhelpful sense of how

    可能因為父母的放縱與溺愛,我們有一種無用的錯覺

  • lucky someone might be to end up in our arms. After having been alone for a long time, we

    認為那些最終能依偎在我們懷抱中的人有多幸運。在孤單好一段時間後

  • may also have lost the knack of spotting what peculiar, demanding and compulsive people we are.

    我們可能也沒有辦法意識到自己是個多奇特、要求甚多又有強迫症的人

  • With no one to hold up a mirror, we have forgotten to give due weight to the rage,

    沒有人拿著鏡子對著我們,我們忘記重視自己心中的憤怒

  • the anxiety and the moments of vindictiveness inside us. At the same time, we are travelling the world

    焦慮還有產生仇恨的時刻。同時,我們

  • with our imaginations switched off, imagination defined here as the capacity to look with

    關閉了想像力在環遊世界,這裡想像力的定義是

  • energy, compassion and curiosity into the face and character of another person

    用活力、熱情與好奇心來看其他人的表情與性格

  • in order to search out what might be desirable and good therein.

    為了找出在其中理想的、好的一面

  • What happens when we look without imagination?

    當我們不用想像力來觀察時會發生什麼事?

  • Well we meet someone who is quite nice, but their nose is too big... "erm, no".

    我們會認識某個相當不錯的人,但他的鼻子太大了...「嗯,不要。」

  • Or they are an Engineer, Engineers are unsophisticated. "No".

    或是一個工程師,工程師不懂人情世故。「不要。」

  • Maybe they are rich? "Rich people are snobs, no."

    或許他們很有錢?「有錢人都是勢利鬼,不要。」

  • Perhaps the hair is thining, "bald people aren't our thing. no." or they have a strong accent? "no".

    可能頭髮太少了,「頂上無毛的人不是我們想要的,不要。」或是他們有很重的口音?「不要。」

  • Imagination means sensitivity to the less obvious things; with imagination one scans past the surface

    想像力意思是能敏銳地發覺不明顯的事物;有想像力的人會掃過表面

  • and wonders about what might be worthy inside a fellow human, whom it wouldof course

    並期望得知一個人內在價值為何,那個人 — 當然 —

  • always be so easy (yet ultimately so unrewarding) to criticise.

    總是很容易招來批評 (但最終並不值得)

  • What happens when we look with imagination? We meet someone, they look conventional and

    當我們用想像力來觀察時會發生什麼事?我們認識一個人,看起來很傳統

  • formal but we think they could turn out to have playful and wild sides too.

    很拘謹,但我們心想他們也可以有好玩、狂野的一面

  • Or they look mousy but also maybe they are very witty around people they know well.

    或是他們看起來膽小,但可能在熟悉的人面前也非常詼諧有趣

  • Or they do have a slightly wonky nose but their eyes are very tender and their lips suprisingly sensual.

    或是他們有個稍微歪一點的鼻子,但他們的眼睛非常溫柔,他們的嘴唇很性感

  • Or they do have a job that sounds unimpressive but their interests are very broad and they might be the ideal person to go around an antiques market with.

    或是他們有個聽起來不讓人印象深刻的工作,但他們的興趣廣泛,而他們也可能是個可以一起到骨董市場逛逛的理想對象

  • To awaken the dormant faculty of the imagination,

    為了喚醒沉睡的想像力

  • we might more regularlyperhaps in the street or on the train to worklook at

    我們應該定期地 — 或許在街上或在通勤火車上 — 看看我們周邊的面貌

  • the faces around us, especially the less distinguished or obviously sculpted ones, and ask ourselves

    特別是最不起眼或是有明顯特徵的人,並問問自己

  • what there could be to delight in. There is always going to be something, for we were

    有什麼可以讓人喜愛的地方。總是會有一些東西

  • all once love-worthy children and remain as much in our depths.

    因為我們都曾是值得被愛的孩子,在我們深處依然如此

  • Take an experiment. if you were forced to love one of these candidates, choose your favourite gender. What might there be to fall in love with?

    做個實驗吧,如果你被迫要喜歡這些候選人其中一位,選擇你喜歡的性別。他們有什麼地方可能會讓你愛上?

  • Practising imagination is not a compromise, it is the key to love, for we all have to

    想像力的練習不是妥協,是愛情的關鍵,因為我們都必須

  • be considered imaginatively in order to be tolerated and forgiven over the long term

    有想像力地思考,為了與任何人長期相處中能被容忍、被原諒

  • by anyone. By thinking imaginatively, we're not being disloyal to the true ambition of

    透過有想像力地思考,我們並非不忠於尋找真愛的野心

  • love; we're stumbling on the essence of what love rightly has to involve.

    我們正被「愛的本質應包含什麼」這個問題絆住

  • There will always be some practical reasons why it proves hard to find a partner. But if we have worked

    總是有一些實際的理由說明為什麼找到伴侶很難。但如果我們努力

  • on our levels of self-love and attenuated the ravages of self-hatred, an absence of

    平衡自己的自戀程度,並減少自我厭惡,一次聚會的缺席

  • parties or a difficult bus ride to the next town need never condemn us long-term to a

    或是前往隔壁城鎮的艱難巴士旅途,就不會迫使我們陷入生活中長期

  • life devoid of tenderness and connection. To learn more about Love, try our book on

    缺乏溫柔與連結之中。了解更多關於愛情的內容,看看我們的書

  • How to Find Love, which explains why we have the 'types' we do, and how our early experiences

    《How to Find Love》,為什麼我們會有喜歡的「類型」,還有我們早期的經驗如何

  • shape how and whom we love

    形塑出我們愛的方式還有選擇的愛人類型

The common-sense explanation for long-term singlehood directs the blame firmly outwards,

一般對於長期處於單身生活的解釋,會很肯定地將過錯怪罪於外在環境

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為什麼還魯魯的?揭秘我們為何還是單身!(Two Reasons Why We're Still Single)

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    Evangeline 發佈於 2018 年 10 月 31 日
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