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  • If there is one generalisation to hazard about maturity, it is that it involves neither profoundly idealising, nor profoundly denigrating other people.

    如果要大膽地對成熟做出一個歸納,那便是:既不過度地理想化也不過度輕視他人。

  • But let's begin with babies.

    但我們先從嬰兒期說起。

  • The pioneering mid-20th century Viennese psychoanalyst Melanie Klein,

    20 世紀中期的維也納心理分析先驅 Melanie Klein,

  • famously drew attention to something very dramatic that happens in the minds of babies during feeding sessions with their mothers.

    成功使我們開始注意母親餵奶時期,嬰兒心智所發生的戲劇性事件。

  • When feeding goes well, the baby is blissfully happy and sees mummy as 'good'.

    當哺餵過程進行得很順利,嬰兒會非常快樂,並認為媽媽是「好的」。

  • But if, for whatever reason, the feeding process is difficult, then the baby can't grasp that it's dealing with the same person it liked a lot only a few hours or minutes ago.

    但如果,由於任何原因,哺餵過程遇上困難,嬰兒無法理解現在跟他相處的這個人和他在數小時、數分鐘前所喜歡的人是同一個,

  • It's simply filled with rage and hatred.

    他僅僅是充斥著憤怒及厭惡。

  • In order to tolerate this, the baby splits off from the actual mother a second 'bad' version, whom it deems to be a separate, hateful individual, responsible for deliberately frustrating its wishes,

    為了要承受這些,嬰兒會把真實的母親分隔出另一個「壞的」版本,也就是一個分隔開的、討厭的個體,故意地破壞他的期望,

  • and in the process, protecting the image of the good mother in its mind.

    而這樣的歷程能夠保護嬰兒心中的好媽媽形象。

  • There are, in this baby's mind, two people at large, one entirely good, the other entirely bad.

    在嬰兒心中,大約有兩種人,一種是全然的美好,另一種則是全然的惡劣。

  • Gradually, if things go well, they'll follows a long and difficult process by which the child integrates these two different people,

    逐漸地,如果一切順利,孩子會透過漫長且艱難的歷程整合兩種截然不同的人,

  • and comes sadly but realistically, to grasp that there is no ideal, 'perfect' mummy,

    並遺憾地、真實地理解到根本沒有所謂「完美的」媽媽,

  • just one person who is usually lovely but can also be cross, busy, tired, who can make mistakes, and be very interested in other people.

    只是一個通常很可愛,但也可能脾氣很壞、忙碌、疲倦、會犯錯,或對別人有興趣的人。

  • It may be a very long time since we were being fed as babies.

    這對嗷嗷待哺的嬰兒來說可能需要花很久的時間,

  • But the tendency to 'split' those close to us is always there; for we don't ever fully outgrow our childhood selves.

    但將親近的人「一分為二」的傾象一直存在著;因為我們尚未從孩童期的自我中長大。

  • In adult life, we may fall deeply in love and split off an ideal version of someone, in whom we see no imperfections and whom we adore without limit.

    在成人的生活中,我們可能會深深墜入愛河並分隔出某人的理想形象,我們從中看不見任何不完美,並毫無節制地愛慕著。

  • Yet we may suddenly and violently turn against the partner, or a celebrity or a politician, someone whose good qualities once impressed us,

    然而我們也可能突然開始激烈得攻擊我們的伴侶或名人、政客,也就是那些曾經讓我們產生美好印象的人,

  • the moment we discover the slightest thing that disturbs or frustrates us in them.

    就在我們發現某些小事打亂、破壞我們對他們的印象時。

  • We may conclude that they cannot really be good, since they have made us suffer, and that the only logical verdict we believe is that they must then be appalling.

    我們可能會斷定:他們不可能真的那麼好,既然他們讓我們受苦,而我們唯一能相信的合理結論是:他們一定是很可怕的。

  • We could find it extremely hard to accept that the same person might be very nice and good in some ways and strikingly disappointing in others.

    我們可能非常難去接受,一個人可以有時候非常友善、美好,但在其他時候又如此令我們失望。

  • The bad version can appear to destroy the good one, though, of course, in fact these are really just different and connected aspects of one complex person.

    壞的形象似乎是來摧毀好的形象的,雖然,無庸置疑地,這些其實是同一個人複雜且相連的不同面向。

  • It is a huge psychological achievement to accept other humans in their bewildering mixture of good and bad,

    這會是心理上的重大突破,如果能夠接受人們令人費解的好壞面向、

  • capacity to assist us and to frustrate us, kindness and meanness,

    幫助我們又使我們受挫、仁慈卻又惡劣,

  • and to see that, far more than we're inclined to imagine in our furious or ecstatic moments,

    並理解到那些在我們暴怒或狂喜時不願去想起的時刻,

  • most people belong in that slightly sobering, slightly hopeful grey area that goes by the term 'good enough.'

    大多數的人屬於那個有點理智、有點樂觀的灰色地帶,伴隨著「夠好的」這個詞。

  • To cope with the conflict between hope and reality,

    為了要在期望與現實中取得妥協,

  • our culture should teach us good integration skills, prompting us to accept with a little more grace what is imperfect in ourselves, and then, by extension, in other people.

    我們的文化應傳授於我們良好的整合技巧,使我們能優雅地接受自身的不完美,以及延伸至接受他人的不完美。

  • We should be gently reminded that no one we can love will ever satisfy us completely, but that this is never a reason to hate them either.

    我們應被溫柔地提醒,我們所愛的人不可能完全滿足我們,但這並不構成讓我們討厭他們的理由。

  • We should move away from the naivety and cruelty of splitting people into the camps of the awful and the wondrous,

    我們應該停止天真又殘酷地將人們分隔成極壞與極好的陣營,

  • to the mature wisdom of integrating them into the large collective of the 'good enough'.

    以成熟的智慧將他們整和成一個龐大的「夠好的」集合體。

  • Our collection of essays, "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person" proposes that we don't need perfection to be happy, as long as we enter our relationships in the right spirit.

    我們的文章選集「為何我們總是嫁錯人」提出:我們不需要變得完美來得到快樂,只要我們以適當的精神進入關係。

  • Find out more by following the link on your screen now.

    現在就點擊螢幕上的連結獲取更多資訊。

If there is one generalisation to hazard about maturity, it is that it involves neither profoundly idealising, nor profoundly denigrating other people.

如果要大膽地對成熟做出一個歸納,那便是:既不過度地理想化也不過度輕視他人。

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愛或恨太強烈都很危險 (The Dangers of Loving or Hating Too Much)

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    Evangeline 發佈於 2021 年 02 月 23 日
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