with slightly dispiriting inevitability,

雖然這麼說有點令人沮喪，

someone in our vicinity will hurt us in some way.

但身邊總會有人以某種方式傷害我們。

It could be a friend,

可能是朋友、

a colleague,

同事、

a child, or most likely,

孩子，或極可能是

a partner.

伴侶。

They'll be neglectful of something that matters

他們會忽略某些對我們來說

immensely to us.

非常重要的事。

They'll be, to a greater or lesser extent,

他們，或多或少地，

unkind, thoughtless, offensive or brusque.

會有不友善、輕率、冒犯或唐突的行為。

We may never have given much thought to observing the way

我們可能從未仔細地去觀察

we characteristically respond.

我們特有的回應方式。

And yet, our style of reacting to maltreatment

然而，我們處理不當對待的方式

goes right to the heart of who we are

直接反映了我們真實的人格，

and can make the difference between

帶來以下不同的結果：

a life of constant frustration and bitterness

充滿挫折及埋怨的人生

and one of tolerable coexistence.

與可以容忍的共存之道。

A crucial part of the art of living

生存藝術的關鍵

seems to lie in knowing how to complain constructively and sanely to those who do us wrong.

似乎是懂得如何有建設性地、理性地投訴傷害我們的人。

There are broadly 3 main ways in which one might complain.

抱怨大致上分成三種：

The first is live fury.

第一種是立刻暴怒。

Here, we explode, shout, insult, belittle and

我們情緒爆炸、吼叫、侮辱、輕視他人，

attempted to crush our opponent.

並試圖粉碎我們的對手。

What lies behind this response is, at heart, panic and agitation

這其實反應了恐慌和不安

and a catastrophic feeling of hurt and betrayal.

以及嚴重的傷害和背叛感。

The slight to our dignity cuts us so deep,

對我們自尊的侮辱深深地傷害了我們，

unsettles us so much,

讓我們極為不安，

we attempt to roar our way out of humiliation.

因此我們試圖用咆哮來擺脫羞辱。

Our bark may be loud but it

我們的叫聲可能很響亮，

comes from a place of extreme vulnerability.

但它源自極端的脆弱。

We're living without a psychological skin.

我們活在沒有心理保護膜的環境中。

Unfortunately, of course,

當然，不幸的是，

live fury is guaranteed to

立刻暴怒肯定會

prevent our complaint from ever being heard.

永遠掩蓋我們的抱怨。

In the face of our ranting,

面對我們的咆哮，

those who've offended us, will themselves get offended,

那些冒犯我們的人也會覺得受到羞辱，

begin to resent us,

並開始怨恨我們、

refuse to listen and accuse us of a raft of things

拒絕傾聽，並對我們提出許多指控。

which entirely bury our original

這會埋沒我們的原本

complaint against them.

對他們提出的怨言。

We achieve nothing.

我們一無所獲。

There is a second option.

還有第二種反應：

Cold fury.

冷暴力。

Here one says very little but

這種情況下話說得很少，

hates very deeply and quietly.

但悄無聲息地深深怨恨。

We don't dare to complain directly from a despair

我們不敢直接提出抱怨，因為我們絕望地認為

that the other would ever understand.

對方永遠不會了解自己。

Fuelled with a feeling that we don't

加上我們覺得我們的話

deserve ever to be listened to.

不值得被傾聽。

A primitive self-hatred encases us in

一種與生俱來的自我厭惡使我們困在

cynicism and melancholy.

憤世嫉俗與憂鬱之中。

We become experts at withdrawal.

我們成為逃避的專家。

We've probably been like this from a young age.

我們應該從小就這樣。

The adults we grew up around were probably

在我們的成長過程中，身邊的大人可能都

too touchy, busy, domineering or absent to

太敏感、太忙碌、跋扈或從不

give us much of a hearing.

花時間傾聽我們的想說什麼。

So we learn to swallow our pain and while seething inside,

所以我們學著吞下所有的痛苦並生悶氣，

act with brittle courtesy and veiled aggression against those hated characters who've done us wrong.

在不善待我們的人面前表現得脆弱有禮並隱藏敵意。

Then comes that far rarer achievement.

接著是極少數人可以做到的：

Mature complaint.

成熟的抱怨。

In order to master such a feat,

為了達成此壯舉，

we must work with a background sense that

我們須有根深柢固的意識，

we don't fundamentally deserve meanness

即我們不應該被惡意對待，

and also that it won't on its own ever

以及惡意永遠

be able to destroy us.

無法摧毀我們。

We are calm because we like ourselves well enough,

我們夠喜歡自己所以能保持冷靜，

a legacy of being cared for by people who

這是愛我們的人贈予我們的禮物，

liked us and refuse to endure

我們拒絕默默地承受

punishment quietly or with masochistic patience.

責罰或如受虐狂般地忍耐。

We have the confidence not to

我們有信心

be thrown into complete disarray by insult.

不因被羞辱而陷入混亂之中。

We can seek restitution and

我們可以索取補償

tend to do so fairly fast while the incident is still fresh in everyone's mind,

並在大家記憶猶新時盡快完成此任務。

but with a measured, strategic, calm manner

用慎重、有策略、平和的態度，

of people secure in their right to have their say.

保障自己和他人表達的權利。

We're careful not to insult or

我們會謹慎發言，不去侮辱或

belittle our opponents.

輕視我們的對手。

We always simply say how we feel.

我們永遠都只表達自己的感受。

Rather than declaring, "You're vindictive and selfish for doing X,"

與其控訴：「你做某件事是不懷好意和自私的」

we say, "I feel hurt by the way you do X."

我們會說：「你做了某件事讓我感到很受傷。」

We don't give others easy excuses to get

我們不輕易給他們藉口來

insulted and block their ears in turn.

反過來說他們被侮辱了或關上耳朵

We don't want to make it that simple for them.

我們不想要輕易地放過他們。

Nevertheless, we don't have

然而，我們並不總是

unlimited faith that people are always

認為別人能夠

going to understand and accept what

理解並接受

we're trying to tell them,

我們試圖表達的東西，

yet we want to speak out anyway.

但我們仍想坦率地表達意見。

Because we know it's not good for us to swallow our

因為我們知道吞下

complaints and we don't want ulcers.

埋怨對自己沒有好處，我們不願留下心結。

We are at once realistic about the chances of

我們實事求是地把握

dialogue and determine to talk in any case.

對話機會，並決定無論如何都要把話說開。

We deserve a huge amount of compassion for our failure to know how to complain wisely.

對於不懂得如何明智地抱怨，我們值得獲得更多同情。

Our inability is a snapshot into our past and into some properly troublesome dynamics that occurred long ago.

我們的無能是過去生活及很久以前發生過的不良事件的縮影。

But by sketching the ideal style of complaining,

但透過描繪理想的抱怨方式，

we can start to imagine what we're not natively capable of

我們就能思考我們天生不具備的能力

and to fill in through reason and reflection

並透過理性和反思填補那些

what we haven't been able to achieve through upbringing and love.

無法用教養和愛實現的事情。

We can take our first stumbling steps on the path

我們可以慢慢地踏出第一步

to mature complaint.

邁向「成熟的抱怨」之途。