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  • I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.

    譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: NAN-KUN WU

  • I felt this tingling in my stomach,

    我還記得小時候, 姑姑幫我梳頭髮。

  • this swelling in my belly.

    肚子裡那種搔癢的感受,

  • All her attention on me,

    慢慢鼓脹的熱度。

  • just me.

    她所有的注意力都在我身上,

  • My beautiful Aunt Bea,

    只在我身上。

  • stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush.

    我美麗的畢雅姑姑,

  • Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?

    用鬃毛梳一下 又一下梳著我的頭髮。

  • Before language,

    你有沒有像這樣的記憶, 到現在還讓你記憶猶新?

  • we're all sensation.

    在語言出現之前,

  • As children, that's how we learn

    我們全靠感覺。

  • to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch.

    孩提時代,我們用觸摸 界定自己在世上的位置

  • Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin.

    把東西放進嘴裡、 抓在手上,或用皮膚去感覺。

  • Sensation --

    感性

  • it is the way that we first experience love.

    是我們最初體驗到愛的方式。

  • It's the basis of human connection.

    它是人類連結的基礎。

  • We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.

    我們希望我們的孩子長大後 能有健康、親密的關係。

  • So as parents,

    身為父母,

  • one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.

    我們會做的其中一件事就是 教我們的孩子關於性愛的知識。

  • We have books to help us,

    我們有書籍幫助我們,

  • we have sex ed at school for the basics.

    在學校也有基本的性教育。

  • There's porn to fill in the gaps --

    有色情書刊影片來填補中間的缺口,

  • and it will fill in the gaps.

    而它們確實填 滿 缺 口。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics,

    我們教我們孩子的「那場談話」, 是關於生物的做法的,

  • about pregnancy and safe sex,

    關於懷孕和安全性交的,

  • and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about.

    在成長過程中,孩子大概就會 認定性愛就是全部了。

  • But we can do better than that.

    但我們能做得更好。

  • We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire,

    我們能教導我們的兒子女兒 了解愉悅和慾望,

  • about consent and boundaries,

    同意和界線,

  • about what it feels like to be present in their body

    靈肉合一的感受,

  • and to know when they're not.

    和靈魂出竅的時刻。

  • And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play,

    而我們的做法是, 我們會模仿觸摸、玩樂、

  • make eye contact --

    做眼神接觸-

  • all the ways that we engage their senses.

    動用感覺的各種方式。

  • We can teach our children not just about sex,

    我們能教孩子的不只是性愛,

  • but about sensuality.

    還有感性。

  • This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.

    我小時候就需要這樣的談話。

  • I was extremely sensitive,

    我當時非常敏感,

  • but by the time I was an adolescent,

    但當我成了青少女之後,

  • I had numbed out.

    我麻木了。

  • The shame of boys mocking my changing body

    男孩們取笑我身體的改變, 讓我感到羞恥,

  • and then girls exiling me for,

    女孩們因為我對男孩的興趣,

  • ironically, my interest in boys,

    而背棄我

  • it was so much.

    難以招架。

  • I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing;

    我無法用言語形容 我當時所體驗到的;

  • I didn't know it was going to pass.

    我不知道它會不會過去。

  • So I did the best thing I could at the time

    所以我做了當時我能做的最佳決策,

  • and I checked out.

    我決定逃避。

  • And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings,

    你不能只把難過的感受分離開來,

  • so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play,

    所以我也失去了樂趣、愉悅、玩樂,

  • and I spent decades like that,

    我數十年都那樣過日子,

  • with this his low-grade depression,

    帶著這種劣等的沮喪,

  • thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.

    想著,原來當大人就是這麼一回事。

  • For the past year,

    過去一年,

  • I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex

    我訪談了很多男男女女, 談他們和性愛的關係,

  • and I've heard my story again and again.

    我一次又一次聽到我的故事。

  • Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much.

    女孩們被別人說是太敏感、太過頭。

  • Boys who were taught to man up --

    男孩被別人教導要有男子氣概-

  • "don't be so emotional."

    「不要這麼情緒化。」

  • I learned I was not alone in checking out.

    我發現,我不是唯一逃避的人。

  • It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel.

    是我女兒提醒了我, 讓我想起我以前的感受多深。

  • We were at the beach.

    我們在海灘上。

  • It was this rare day.

    那是個難得的日子。

  • I turned off my cell phone,

    我把手機關機,

  • put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls."

    在日曆上記著 「和女孩去海灘的日子」。

  • I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf

    我把我們的毛巾放在 海浪剛好沖不到的地方,

  • and fell asleep.

    然後就睡著了。

  • And when I woke up,

    當我醒來時,

  • I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,

    我看到我女兒把沙子 這樣灑在她的手臂上,

  • and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin

    我可以感覺到她的皮膚因為 沙子造成輕微癢癢的感受,

  • and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.

    接著我就想起了我的姑姑幫我梳頭。

  • So I curled up next to her

    我爬到她旁邊,

  • and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.

    我把沙子灑到她的另一隻手臂上, 接著是她的雙腿上。

  • And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?"

    接著,我說:「嘿, 你想要我把你埋起來嗎?」

  • And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!"

    她的眼睛睜得好大,說:「好啊!」

  • So we dug a hole

    所以我們挖了個洞,

  • and I covered her in sand and shells

    我用沙子和貝殼把她蓋起來,

  • and drew this little mermaid tail.

    畫出小美人魚的尾巴。

  • And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower

    接著,我帶她回家,

  • and massaged her scalp

    按摩她的頭皮,

  • and I dried her off in a towel.

    用毛巾把她擦乾。

  • And I thought,

    我心想:

  • "Ah. How many times had I done that --

    「啊,每天我日復一日這麼做-

  • bathed her and dried her off --

    幫她洗澡,把她弄乾-

  • but had I ever stopped and paid attention

    但我是否曾經停下來留意

  • to the sensations that I was creating for her?"

    她現在的感受?

  • I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line

    我對待她的方式, 彷彿她正在一條裝配線上,

  • of children needing to be fed and put to bed.

    需要被餵飽送上床 睡覺的孩子的裝配線。

  • And I realized

    我突然意識到,

  • that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,

    當我像情人般溫柔地 用毛巾把我女兒擦乾時,

  • I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch.

    我就是教導她去期待那樣子的觸碰。

  • I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy.

    在那一刻,我在教導她什麼是親密。

  • About how to love her body and respect her body.

    教導她如何去愛、去尊敬她的身體。

  • I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.

    我了解到,「那場談話」 有一部份是無法用文字傳達的。

  • In her book, "Girls and Sex,"

    佩吉奧倫斯坦寫了一本書,

  • writer Peggy Orenstein finds

    叫「女孩與性」,在書中,她發現

  • that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure,

    年輕女性會把焦點 放在讓伴侶愉悅上,

  • not their own.

    而非讓自己愉悅。

  • This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older,

    當女兒們再大一些時, 我會想要和她們談,

  • but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure

    但,現在,我希望協助她們 認識愉悅的來源,

  • and to practice articulating that.

    以及如何表達她們的需求。

  • "Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in.

    當我哄女兒上床時, 她說:「揉搓我的背。」

  • And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?"

    我說:「好,你希望 我怎麼揉搓你的背?」

  • "I don't know," she says.

    她說:「我不知道。」

  • So I pause, waiting for her directions.

    所以我暫停下來,等她的指示。

  • Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right,

    終於,她說:「好,向上向右,

  • like you're tickling me."

    就像你在搔我癢一樣。」

  • I run my fingertips up her spine.

    我把我的指尖順著她的脊椎向上移。

  • "What else?" I ask.

    我問:「還有呢?」

  • "Over to the left, a little harder now."

    「移去左邊,現在再用力一點。」

  • We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations

    我們需要教導我們的孩子 如何清楚表達他們的感受,

  • so they're familiar with them.

    她們才知道如何表達。

  • I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this.

    我希望我可以和她們 在遊戲中達成這個目標。

  • I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say,

    我用我的指甲抓我女兒的手臂,說:

  • "Give me one word to describe this."

    「用一個詞來形容這感覺。」

  • "Violent," she says.

    她說:「暴力。」

  • I embrace her, hold her tight.

    我擁抱她,緊緊摟著她。

  • "Protected," she tells me.

    她告訴我:「被保護著。」

  • I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling,

    我會找機會告訴她們我的感受、

  • what I'm experiencing,

    我的體驗,

  • so we have common language.

    我們才會有共通語言。

  • Like right now,

    就像現在,

  • this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.

    從頭皮延著脊椎一路下來的輕癢, 意味著我很緊張也很興奮。

  • You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me.

    你可能也會我的感受 而有些共鳴。

  • The language I'm using,

    我使用的詞語、

  • the ideas I'm sharing.

    我分享的想法。

  • And our tendency is to judge these reactions

    我們傾向將這些感受分級,

  • and sort them into a hierarchy:

    把它們分類、分階層,

  • better or worse,

    較好的、較差的,

  • and then seek or avoid them.

    接著去尋求或避免它們。

  • And that's because we live in this binary culture

    那是因為我們住在二元文化中,

  • and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.

    很小的時候,我們就被 教導要把世界分成善與惡。

  • "Did you like that book?"

    「你喜歡那本書嗎?」

  • "Did you have a good day?"

    「你今天過得好嗎?」

  • How about, "What did you notice about that story?"

    為什麼不說「對那個故事, 你注意到什麼?」

  • "Tell me a moment about your day.

    「你今天有什麼特別的事。

  • What did you learn?"

    你從中學到什麼?」

  • Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences,

    讓我們教導孩子 對他們的經驗體驗保持開放和好奇心,

  • like a traveler in a foreign land.

    就像在異地的旅人。

  • And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out --

    這麼一來, 他們就不會逃避自己的感覺-

  • even the heightened and challenging ones --

    即使是很強烈很挑戰的感覺-

  • the way I did,

    不要像我以前那樣,

  • the way so many of us have.

    不要像我們許多人那樣。

  • This sense education,

    這種感覺教育,

  • this is education I want for my daughters.

    是我希望我女兒能接受的教育。

  • Sense education is what I needed as girl.

    我小時候需要的就是感覺教育。

  • It's what I hope for all of our children.

    我也希望所有我們的孩子都能得到。

  • This awareness of sensation,

    這種對於感覺的意識,

  • it's where we began as children.

    是我們身為孩子的起始點。

  • It's what we can learn from our children

    是我們能夠向孩子學習的東西,

  • and it's what we can in turn remind our children

    也是我們能夠反過來 提醒她們的東西,

  • as they come of age.

    當她們逐日成長。

  • Thank you.

    謝謝你們。

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: NAN-KUN WU

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B1 中級 中文 美國腔 TED 教導 女兒 孩子 愉悅 沙子

【TED】蘇傑伊-約翰遜:我們不教孩子的性知識(What we don't teach kids about sex | 蘇傑伊-約翰遜)。 (【TED】Sue Jaye Johnson: What we don't teach kids about sex (What we don't teach kids about sex | Sue Jaye Johnson))

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