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  • I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress

    譯者: Pin-hsien Kuo 審譯者: Leonard Lin

  • tell a very well known interviewer on television,

    我寫下這首詩是在我聽到一個十分知名的女演員

  • "I'm really getting into the Internet lately.

    在電視上告訴一個家瑜戶曉的主持人

  • I just wish it were more organized."

    「最近我迷上了網路

  • So ...

    不過我希望它能更加有規律。」

  • (Laughter)

    所以

  • If I controlled the Internet,

    (笑聲)

  • you could auction your broken heart on eBay.

    如果由我來掌控網路的話

  • Take the money; go to Amazon;

    你可以在eBay拍賣你破碎的心

  • buy a phonebook for a country you've never been to -- call folks at random

    拿著錢,聯結到亞馬遜網上(網路書店)

  • until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.

    買一本你從未去過的國家的電話簿,打給不認識的人

  • (Laughter)

    打不停,直到你找到很會用外文調情的人為止

  • If I were in charge of the Internet,

    (笑聲)

  • you could Mapquest your lover's mood swings.

    如果由我掌管網際網路

  • Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied,

    你可以查詢你情人的心情動態地圖。

  • U-turn on silent treatment,

    暴躁時左轉,沒時間時右轉

  • all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'.

    冷戰時來個迴轉,

  • You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection.

    一路回到舌吻和美好的戀愛

  • Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan,

    每一個情緒路口你都可以導航和理解。

  • but I still stretch miles in all directions.

    有時候我膚淺的跟平底鍋一樣,

  • If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com

    但我仍朝各個方向延伸好幾哩。

  • would be one big website.

    如果網際網路歸我所有,Napster, Monster and Friendster.com

  • That way you could listen to cool music

    會整合成為一個大網站。

  • while you pretend to look for a job

    這樣你就可以邊聽酷酷的音樂

  • and you're really just chattin' with your pals.

    然後一邊假裝找工作

  • (Laughter)

    但是你其實上是在和朋友聊天。

  • Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    為什不行呢~如果我管網路,你可以寄電子郵件給死人

  • They would not email you back

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter) --

    雖然他們無法回信給你

  • but you'd get an automated reply.

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    但你會得到一封自動回覆。

  • Their name in your inbox

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter) --

    他們的名字在你的收件夾匣出現-

  • it's all you wanted anyway.

    (笑聲)

  • And a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I miss you.

    反正你要的不過也是如此。

  • (Laughter)

    內容寫著:「喂,是我。我想你。

  • Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy.

    (笑聲)

  • Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy."

    告訴你,你以後就會知道死亡有多讚。

  • If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop

    你現在繼續去養孩子、鼓吹和平和渴望糖果吧。」

  • of a boy in an orchard, with a ski pole for a sword,

    如果網際網路是我設計的,童年網會是有關

  • trashcan lid for a shield, shouting, "I am the emperor of oranges.

    一個在果樹園裡的男孩,以滑雪桿為劍,

  • I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges."

    垃圾桶蓋為盾,一直喊著:「我是橘子之王。

  • Now follow me, OK?

    我是橘子之王。我是橘子之王。」

  • (Laughter)

    跟著我的思考方式一起,好嗎?

  • Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions.

    (笑聲)

  • One, two, three.

    祖母網,會是餅乾食譜和如何用口水幫孫子清理的教學。

  • That links with hotdiggitydog.com.

    一、二、三(用口水梳小孩的頭髮)。

  • That is my grandfather.

    這帶入了hotdiggitydog.com。

  • They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad.

    他是我祖父。

  • He forms an attachment to

    他們倆連結你到「臭臉-退休警察-和他的第四次婚姻的爸爸」。

  • kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom,

    隨帶著的連結是

  • who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges,

    「有點愚蠢-但聖誕節仍然送薑餅的母親」,

  • who grows up to be me --

    她下載了在果園裡的男孩,橘子之王,

  • the guy who usually goes too far.

    長大了之後就是我-

  • So if I were emperor of the Internet,

    一個總是扯太遠的人。

  • I guess I'd still be mortal, huh?

    所以如果我是網路之王

  • But at that point, I would probably

    我猜我應該還是凡人吧?

  • already have the lowest possible mortgage

    但到時候,我可能

  • and the most enlarged possible penis

    已經有低到不能再低的房貸

  • (Laughter) --

    及大到不能再大的”大老二”

  • so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office.

    (笑聲)

  • I wouldn't need it.

    那麼我會在上班第一天宣布垃圾郵件不需要過濾了。

  • I'd be like some kind of Internet genius, and me,

    因為我不會需要它。

  • I'd like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that --

    我會是個網路天才,而我,

  • pop! -- I'd go wireless.

    我希望升級為神人,而或許我就會-

  • (Laughter)

    碰-我變無線了。

  • Huh? Maybe Google would hire this.

    (笑聲)

  • I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus

    啥?搞不好谷歌會用我這個主意。

  • until the World Wide Web is as wise, as wild and as organized

    我能快速穿梭於你的伺服器和防火牆,就像病毒

  • as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get, but, ooh-eee,

    直到全球資訊網,如此狂野又有規律

  • you want to bet just how whack and un-PC

    一如我覺得現今奇蹟/預言之所能及,但,哎呀,

  • your Mac or PC is going to be when I'm rocking

    你們要不要賭賭看你們的電腦會

  • hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net?

    變得多不電腦化,一旦我掌控了

  • I guess it's just like life.

    熱門神人的網站?

  • It is not a question of if you can --

    我想這就像人生。

  • it's: do ya?

    問題不在於你是否可以。

  • We can interfere with the interface.

    而是,你要嗎?

  • We can make "You've got Hallelujah" the national anthem of cyberspace

    我們可以干涉任何的介面。

  • every lucky time we log on.

    我們可以立「你有哈雷路亞」為虛擬空間的國歌

  • You don't say a prayer.

    在每一次我們登入的幸運時間

  • You don't write a psalm.

    不用念祈禱文。

  • You don't chant an "om."

    不用寫讚美詩。

  • You send one blessed email to whomever you're thinking of

    不用唱頌翁。

  • at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com.

    只要發送一封祈福過的電郵給你想到的任何人

  • Thank you, TED.

    在答答啦答答答答啦搭.com。

  • (Applause)

    謝謝,TED。

I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress

譯者: Pin-hsien Kuo 審譯者: Leonard Lin

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【TED】裡夫斯。如果我控制了互聯網 (如果我控制了互聯網|Rives) (【TED】Rives: If I controlled the Internet (If I controlled the Internet | Rives))

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    Zenn 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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