[GRUNTING]

[MONKEYS CHATTERING]

Dilbert.

So good to see you.

You simply must disturb us more often.

Actually, I'm trying to sleep,

which is what normal people do at 3:00 in the morning.

Normal people?

Oh, how dreadful.

Which brings me to my point.

Your wind chimes are making so much noise

I can't go to sleep.

We got those on a trip to the Congo.

It was the Canary Islands, dear.

I didn't see any canaries, but they could have been hiding.

They'll do that.

It doesn't matter where you got them.

Can you please keep the noise down?

Well, it's not us, dear, it's the wind.

You can't hold the wind, son.

I learned that in the Aussie outback.

Look, I'm begging you.

All day long, I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss,

my yammering co-workers, the traffic, the phone ringing,

and my computer beeping at me.

But knowing I can return to the quiet of my home--

that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity.

It's my fortress of solitude.

I thought only Superman had a fortress of solitude.

Are you comparing yourself to Superman?

Rather cheeky, I should think.

Please, the wind chimes?

Would you take them down?

Yes, yes, we'll take care of it.

We always comply with our neighbors.

Especially the ones who have super powers.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Did you see the look...

Thank you.

[LOUD CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CONGA DRUMS PLAYING]

What is it now?

Is the moonlight bouncing off our house

and hurting you in some way?

You're playing conga drums

and singing at 3:15 in the morning.

Oh. It seems the list of things you don't like

is growing by the minute.

Please, could you keep the noise down

for three more hours?

That's all I ask.

MRS. PIERPONT: Look, lovey,

it's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe.

I thought it would never come.

[TRUMPETS]

That means he's got to go.

Hey! Hey, get him away from my lawn!

Stop it! Shoo!

He is a nervous fellow.

Yes, he should try to get more sleep.

Oh, no!

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

REPORTER: What does the Tree Lover Society expect from its lawsuit?

Big companies have been hurting our trees for too long.

We want to show the world that trees have feelings too.

Are you a nut?

If so, what kind are you?

I am not a nut.

I am a man who loves trees.

I love them in every way a man can love wood.

Would you mind

handcuffing yourself to a tree

when my photographer gets here?

That's original.

There is nothing wrong with the classics.

What have you got?

I interviewed an owl.

People, whoo-hoo,

a little more attention up here, please?

What matters is that

the big corporations who hurt our trees

must be stopped.

Long live the trees!

That's the man who's suing us--

Elmer Oakley,

the president of the Tree Lover Society.

Why is he mad at us?

We don't harm any trees.

Actually, we do, thanks to Alice.

It wasn't my fault.

We'll be the judge of that.

It all started with benchmarking.

Benchmarking?

Is that even a word?

Benchmarking is when you study world-class companies

to learn the processes that make them successful.

Then you try to duplicate those processes

using less intelligent employees.

So you try to blatantly copy

another company's success,

knowing fully that you can't do it as well?

He's a tack, isn't he?

In this case,

I studied a company that makes paper.

I found out that they have great training programs,

fully automated systems, and excellent management.

And they completely raped the forest,

don't forget that.

Just laid waste to it.

So, naturally, we had

to completely rape a forest too.

Apparently, this damn Tree Lover Society

was somehow offended.

DILBERT: Only another 10 hours and I'll be home.

Dilbert. Dilbert!

Yes?

That's better.

For a moment, it looked like you weren't suffering.

What shall we do about the Tree Lover Society?

Why don't we have a meeting?

I think this is A MEETING.

Loud Howard is on to something.

I'm not on anything!

I'm always like this!

I mean, your idea to have an off-site meeting

and invite the Tree Lover Society

to work out a compromise.

He didn't say that.

It was implied!

Quiet, I'm trying to think.

That won't work.

We'll use Dilbert's house.

Why my house?

Because it's the nearest one to my house

without actually being my house.

We can trash your place until rush hour

and I'll still be home in 10 minutes.

Your logic escapes me.

Well, you'd better go catch it.

I don't see why I should suffer.

I had nothing to do with this Tree Lover situation.

Dilbert, do you realize that the letter "I"

and the word "I" are one and the same?

Yes.

Good. I think I've made my point.

Now, who's handling the refreshments?

Alice will.

Why? Because I'm the only woman in the group?

Hard to refute the logic of that.

Let me try.

[GRUNTING]

Apparently, I'll be in charge

of the refreshments.

Alice, I want you to organize the icebreaker games.

I love Chutes and Ladders!

I think I'd prefer Russian roulette.

American games only.

You'd better do more than dust

if your co-workers are coming over here for a meeting.

That's all this house needs.

My program of ongoing tidiness pays big dividends

in these situations.

Your co-workers are going to see you

in your natural habitat.

So?

They'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions...

opinions that will influence your career for years to come.

What do I care what others might think?

I'm not... like what?

You have no athletic trophies on display--

says you're a loser.

If I had trophies on display,

wouldn't it say I was a braggart?

Yes, but if anyone asked you about the trophies,

you could say you were lucky.

Then I would be a lying braggart.

And that's still better than being a loser.

I'll buy you some trophies at the trophy store.

No bowling trophies.

Oh, perish the thought.

And the magazines-- you'll have to replace them.

What's wrong with my reading material?

Needlepoint is not the exclusive domain

of women, you know.

It happens to be both challenging and creative.

I'm not going to comment.

I'll just look at you until you agree with me.

That won't work, because I'm right

and I know I'm right.

You might not think I'm right,

and no one else might think I'm right,

but I'm right.

Okay, you made your point.

I'll stop at the newsstand.

Is that all?

You'll have to stage the refrigerator.

Lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli.

It shows you have self-control.

But I...

Oh, all right.

I'll go get some fake food.

Change the station on your stereo and TV

to something educational.

And take the hair out of your soap in the shower.

That hair is clean!

[SIGHS]

At least give it a trim.

Just a little off the top.

[TRUMPETING AND TRAMPLING]

Why do I have to live by the only people in the world

who have a pet elephant?

Your elephant is ruining my backyard.

Are you sure that's our elephant?

How many people on this street have an elephant?

If you don't have that information,

how can you be certain it's ours?

You're rather jumping to conclusions, my good man.

Just look out your back window

and see if your elephant is there.

Oh, very well.

Our ELEPHANT IS IN OUR backyard.

You must be mistaken.

He just ran back there when you put the phone down.

Look at the path of destruction

between your house and my backyard.

Do you see a path of destruction?

I can't say that I do, dear.

No, nothing like that over here.

You are disturbing the sanctity of my home.

All I ask is to be left alone at home.

A man's home is his castle.

Oh, we're a king now, are we?

[LAUGHS]

Very good.

I guess he grew weary of being the man of steel.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That's it.

I'm getting Dogbert.

Ooh! He's getting Dogbert.

I'm so AFRAID.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Dogbert!

Dogbert!

How may I be of service?

You can tell me where Dogbert is.

He left early this morning.

Something about installing a puppet government.

He's always installing a puppet government

when I need him!

What the...

What is all this?

We call it "construction".

I know what it is.

I don't think you do.

Why are you on my lawn?