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  • Hey, it's Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business

  • and life you love.

  • Now, if you ever get caught in this cycle of judgment, both judging other people and

  • feeling judged by them, and you just want it to stop, my guest today is here to help.

  • Gabrielle Bernstein is the number one New York Times bestselling author of The Universe

  • Has Your Back, as well as Miracles Now, May Cause Miracles, Add More ~Ing Your Life, and

  • Spirit Junkie.

  • She was featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday as a next generation thought leader, the New

  • York Times named her as a new role model.

  • Gabby leads talks and meditations for sold out audiences around the world.

  • Her latest book, Judgment Detox, presents a step by step process to true healing and

  • oneness.

  • Gabby Bernstein.

  • Marie Forleo.

  • It's so good to have you here.

  • So good to be here.

  • We haven't sat down and done an official episode in years.

  • I know.

  • And I'm so thrilled about this one.

  • So this book, Judgement Detox, amazing.

  • I loved it.

  • You're a beast, an animal in the best way.

  • You crank these things out.

  • This one is special.

  • Not that your other books aren't special.

  • This one's really special.

  • Yeah, thank you.

  • I want to dive in with how you open the book, because I loved it.

  • Where you say that your fingers were trembling as you wrote the introduction because you

  • thought, “Who am I to write a book about judgment?

  • I judge all the time.”

  • And you're very transparent about the struggles that you have judging strangers on political

  • views, judging the woman ahead of you from moving too slow – I do that all the time

  • judging people on social media for the comments they make, judging the way people

  • parent, judging your husband for not responding the way you want him to respond – I don't

  • know anyone who has a significant other who doesn't do that from time to time.

  • Right.

  • And then you ended with judging yourself all the time.

  • So tell me about the inspiration and why, specifically because you do have these struggles,

  • that you're like, “You know what?

  • I need to write a book about this.”

  • Well, first of all, it's a pretty brave act to put my face on the cover of this book.

  • Because everywhere I go, especially these days when I'm doing interviews for the book

  • or coming to see people like you I'm like, you know, I better be careful what I say whenever

  • I show up.

  • Because I really have to walk my talk and I have to stand behind these principles.

  • I wrote this book because I was noticing the world really hitting bottom with separation,

  • judgment, division.

  • I wrote this book in 2016 during the election, so as we all know, the world was at this heightened

  • divisive time, and it was not an accident that this was what was coming through me at

  • that time.

  • And it was really clear to me not just for the world but also for myself, because I could

  • see very clearly how my small, minor, seemingly insignificant judgments were really holding

  • me back and blocking me from my connection to a higher power, from my connection to the

  • truth of who I am.

  • And -- but it is quite terrifying that this is what -- my face is on that cover.

  • So I have to stand behind it.

  • Yeah.

  • It's pretty fun though.

  • And, you know, I just want to say, I mean, none of us are perfect.

  • You're not perfect, I'm not perfect.

  • We're all gonna judge.

  • And we'll get to that in a moment.

  • Because the message -- what I took away from this book was, it's not about ridding yourself

  • of all judgmental thoughts, because that's virtually impossible.

  • And some of our judgments, they serve us.

  • They're good.

  • And we can talk about that, but it's not to believe in your judgments or indulge in

  • them.

  • Is that right?

  • Yeah.

  • And I think that there's something that I shared throughout the book, which is that

  • it's not that we give up judgment altogether, it's that we no longer believe in it.

  • And that's the miracle is that we don't believe in it anymore.

  • So ultimately we can -- right now as a result of practicing these principles, writing this

  • book, and living these six steps, I am in this practice now of really just showing up

  • for life in a way where I see myself in a judgment and I witness it and I can immediately

  • do something to pivot.

  • So I can practice any one of the principles in the book.

  • I can just choose silence, I can change the subject, I can say a prayer.

  • And that pivot is what I'm most proud of.

  • Not that I am completely clean of judgment, but it's that I don't believe in it anymore

  • and I can get out of it fast.

  • It's kind of like it's the recovery time.

  • Right?

  • Yeah.

  • It's like

  • Comeback.

  • Yeah, the comeback.

  • How quickly you can make that comeback.

  • For anyone wondering, how do you define judgment?

  • Judgment is a separation from oneness.

  • So I -- if you're new to me, but obviously you've been a good friend of mine for a long

  • time, you know that I teach spiritual principles.

  • So I am in the belief system and I share the belief system that we all have a deep, grounded

  • connection to kindness, oneness, compassion, love.

  • That is the God within us.

  • That is who we truly are.

  • And any time we judge, we are separating from that oneness, we are separating from that

  • truth within us.

  • And so it unconsciously feels very uncomfortable for us when we make that separation, when

  • we split off.

  • We don't realize it.

  • At first we may think we're getting high off of it.

  • Right?

  • We're gossiping.

  • We're in a situation where we feel like we want to, you know, not feel the pain that

  • we have and the discomfort that we're carrying, so we project it out onto somebody else through

  • judgment.

  • Ultimately at the end of the day we feel guilty because it's not the truth of who we are.

  • Yeah.

  • And I think a lot of people, especially if they're with their friends or maybe even

  • on social media, especially with friends, like you kind of use that judgment as a form

  • of connection.

  • Like you're kind of trashing someone else.

  • Totally.

  • You're coming down on someone else or making fun of someone else, but you rarely walk away,

  • I mean, you get that laugh for the moment.

  • Right?

  • It's kind of like a cheap win.

  • You get a little oxytocin rush because you are feeling some false sense of connection.

  • Well, with the person that you're

  • Yup.

  • But it's -- but then you leave feeling almost hungover.

  • Yeah.

  • And the more you do this work the more hungover you feel because you realize it.

  • You know what's up.

  • Yeah, well, you start to see it everywhere.

  • Yeah.

  • And how prevalent it is.

  • You know, one of the things that you shared was judgment wouldn't be present if you

  • weren't in some way calling out for love.

  • Yeah.

  • I thought that was really interesting.

  • Tell me more about that.

  • Well, all attack is a call for love.

  • So whenever we are in a place of attack, we're also in a space of defensiveness because we

  • are feeling some sense of inadequacy, some core wound, some trauma that we don't want

  • to address or that we're terrified to face.

  • And so we project it out onto somebody else so that we don't have to feel it temporarily.

  • That is a call for love.

  • That's a wound that needs to be healed.

  • Have you seen that, in terms of writing this book, practicing all of these ideas more diligently,

  • has that been something that's come to the surface for you?

  • Like when you notice a judgment you're like, “Oh, wow,” and you get to actually ask?

  • I walk around all day and I'm just like trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger.

  • Like I am so conscious and aware of how wounded I am.

  • And, listen, you know, it's -- the nice thing is, is that I'm not the victim of

  • the world I see.

  • I choose not to be a victim.

  • I choose to use these principles to heal those wounds.

  • I've got a whole step on how to heal those wounds, and my awareness of it is really the

  • great -- the greatest key to healing itis being aware of your triggers.

  • Because what happens is so many people walk around triggered all day long because we carry

  • these deep-rooted wounds from childhood that we've carried with us forever.

  • And we walk around and we're triggered all day long, and we have no idea.

  • So we just think that's who we are.

  • We just think that we're just a pain in the ass or we're just upset all the time.

  • Or we're just controlling or domineering or whatever.

  • Controlling was a huge way that I managed my triggers, and now I can see it and I can

  • release the control.

  • It's a miracle.

  • It's unbelievable.

  • No, I can see that for myself too, because control is one of my own mechanisms.

  • To stay safe.

  • To stay safe, to keep things in order, and to not revisit or re-feel things in the past

  • that when I didn't feel safe or secure made me, you know, just turn into a puddle and

  • cry.

  • It's brave of you to say that.

  • It's the truth.

  • I mean, I, you know, I watch it all the time and I do my best.

  • I'm not always successful.

  • I'm certainly not always successful.

  • But I think, you know, with age hopefully comes a little bit of wisdom and humility.

  • And I notice it everywhere.

  • And to be able to use these tools ... And what I love about this book, which is so wonderful,

  • you know, we can go through some of the six steps, but I want you to buy the book because

  • it's so good.

  • And you can get all of them in this interview would last forever and she wrote a whole book

  • about it.

  • But I love that it's like going to a great buffet.

  • Yeah.

  • You know, you don't have to use one tool all the time.

  • Yeah.

  • You can kind of have all of these in your tool kit and you can pick.

  • Whether it's meditation, whether it's prayer, whether it's EFT.

  • You know, one of the steps to get yourself back in a place of presence where you can

  • legitimately connect with people.

  • I wrote it in a way where all these steps are cumulative so you have an experience.

  • And it's designed in a way that I would love for someone to go through it in those

  • six steps that they get to that point where they're like, “okay.”

  • Because forgiveness is the last step.

  • Yes.

  • So I really -- someone actually, I had an interview yesterday, and the woman said, “Listen,

  • I'm so grateful that you made forgiveness the last step, because I needed all that heavy

  • lifting before I could get to that point.”

  • Yes.

  • But the thing is, it is a buffet.

  • Because once you've done those six steps.

  • Then you have them.

  • Pick it up.

  • Choose what you want.

  • You pull from your toolbox, and you use it when you need it.

  • Yeah.

  • So it's about going through the process as you lay it out, and then once you have

  • all that awareness and you've gone through it, then you can go back and use what you

  • need in the moment.

  • Right.

  • So let's talk about for anyone who might be listening who's like, “I still don't

  • get it.

  • Like I don't buy it.

  • I like my judgments.

  • I wanna keep my judgments.”

  • What do you think it really costs us in concrete terms?

  • Oh, what a good question.

  • Well, first of all, if someone's like, “I don't want to give up my judgment,” then

  • this isn't their time.

  • They just made it -- because the first step is you've got to witness your judgment without

  • judgment.

  • You've gotta be willing, really.

  • Yes.

  • And so that's cool.

  • Like, hold onto it as long as you want to.

  • The book will still be there when you're ready.

  • So I don't want to push people into this, because I know that people, you know, feel

  • very addicted to judgment.

  • It is a severe addiction.

  • But what is it gonna cost us?

  • Let's really go there.

  • Maybe they'll -- maybe I'll change their mind right now.

  • It's gonna cost you connection.

  • It's gonna cost you your manifesting power, because when we are in alignment with that

  • oneness, with that connection to the truth of who we are, with that connection to a presence

  • of kindness, compassion, love, joy, inspiration, we become a magnet for -- this is what happens.

  • You create this studio.

  • It's all the inspiration.

  • It's you being a through line for all that source energy to come through you.