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  • So what's the movie about, you ask? A Chinese painting has been cut in half and

  • is the target of two rival groups of thieves: the Japanese Smuggling Group and the

  • British Smuggling Group. That's actually what they're called in the movie.

  • Such subtlety and and creativity...

  • Because out of all the nations they could've chosen, they manage

  • somehow, by coincidence I guess,

  • to come up with the two nations that have, I would say, the most interesting

  • histories with China. Oh wait...

  • unless there's a... mandatory... subtext going on here.

  • Well, in case you still haven't gotten it, one of the British smugglers is shown

  • smoking something in a water pipe

  • and whatever it is that he's smoking has a very soothing...

  • you could almost say...

  • narcotic effect.

  • Okay, we get it!

  • Put down the Didactic Hammer

  • ...and Sickle.

  • So in this...

  • movie... an insurance agent...

  • who... turns out to be one helluva hand-to-hand combat expert

  • and a secret agent...

  • who seems to be married to her...

  • "It makes breakfast, or else it has to make FLIRTING SCHOLAR 3..."

  • Even though he...

  • He doesn't seem to even bother hiding the fact that he's some kind of

  • serial philanderer...

  • kind of... more about that later. Well, these two heroes are tasked with

  • uh... recovering one half of the painting and protecting the other half. I... I think.

  • You see,

  • it's hard to tell exactly, but I guess if we look at the person

  • who wrote and directed the film

  • it kinda makes a bit of sense. Jay Sun was previously the producer

  • for FIT LOVER

  • a film so awful

  • that its climax

  • is two cars having sex.

  • No, really, I'm not joking. Look.

  • See? I told you.

  • In SWITCH, there's a scene in which Andy Lau and Lin Chi Ling...

  • don't have sex.

  • It kind of sounds like they are...

  • and it vaguely sort of looks like they are... but

  • it turns out that

  • Andy Lau was just doing pushups because he needs to stay in shape

  • for his next watch commerical, or

  • tea commercial, or... whatever.

  • And while he's doing his pushups, this woman is sitting...

  • on a bathtub...

  • in her clothes...

  • by herself.

  • The only reason she's there is because she bears a remarkable resemblance

  • to Andy Lau's dead ex-girlfriend.

  • And in fact, actually she is his ex-girlfriend, but she's not dead, she's just changed

  • out of the sh*tty ten dollar wig that she had on that fooled him the first time

  • because he's so

  • smart, and such a great secret agent and apparently such a lousy husband-slash-

  • boyfriend... whatever. So...

  • ...it's kinda hard to tell you the story because I honestly dont know

  • what the hell it is. But what I do know is

  • the reason that there was, of course, no sex between those two people is

  • because

  • the film was made in, and

  • for

  • China, so there's no

  • touchy... feely... kissy... pokey. But...

  • When you watch SWITCH... if you do...

  • you can tell all the different Hollywood movies that are being recycled.

  • It's mostly just an exercise in cheap Chinese

  • 'knock-offery'... imitations of things that we've all seen done before in a lot of

  • other movies and seen them done a lot better.

  • But it's just done in such a cheap,

  • awful way that it ends up looking like some kind of made-for-cable mockbuster.

  • In the opening action scene of the film

  • someone zip-lines down to a building... from a jet!

  • the CGI that they used to make one of the actresses bald is absolutely

  • laughable, but so is my translation:

  • 地毯和窗帘的和谐?

  • This movie is just...

  • it's insultingly bad, it's implicitly jingoistic, and it's

  • indefensibly awful.

  • In a museum in Taipei, two Mainland cops show up

  • in uniform.

  • BECAUSE TAIWAN IS A PROVINCE OF CHINA!!!

  • Really? I've got an idea. Why don't you take this thing...

  • And go [email protected]#$ yourself. The Japanese villains...

  • of course that's redundant in Chinese...

  • are portrayed as hyper-sexualized, violent, pedophilic, psychotic,

  • and unbalanced. And they also have a lousy taste in hairstyles and clothes.

  • But I guess the filmmakers feel that that's how the Japanese people really

  • are, so it makes it okay for them to be shown that way.

  • As usual my biggest problem is the writer and director

  • which in this case is one person.

  • He gave an interview recently, and he made some very

  • interesting statements.

  • "When I wrote the script of SWITCH two years ago,

  • I didn't intend to direct it... I just couldn't find anybody else that was suitable."

  • Suitable in this case means mongoloid enough to willingly throw away

  • all their self-respect, credibility,

  • and uh... professional future.

  • "I was really touched by Andy Lau's support...

  • He fell in love with the movie." Well, Andy Lau recently apologized for even

  • being in this movie, so that essentially leaves you with a mouthful of sh*t, doesn't it?

  • "I also want to try hard to test the overseas market for the film."

  • It's about the same as the market for Chinese milk powder.

  • "I think our movie is easy for any people

  • to understand story-wise."

  • Well, if 'people' doesn't include two PhD holders who were completely baffled

  • by the narrative clusterf@#$ that you call a movie, then you're right.

  • "And Western audiences want to watch something

  • new from China." Yeah, actually they do.

  • But this film is just more typical Chinese frothing, as evidenced by its

  • wholly unsubtle demonizing of Japan and Britain, and it's really just more of the

  • same jingoistic crap.

  • The West does want something new from China

  • but SWITCH sure as hell isn't it. Andy Lau should apologize.

  • This movie stinks worse than an elephant's balls in August.

  • But don't take my word for it,

  • or the word of a metric

  • [email protected]#$-ton of Chinese netizens who savaged this movie like a gang of sailors on

  • twelve-hour shore leave. This is one of those instances where I really want you

  • to see it, and that way I won't have suffered alone. I want you to see the movie,

  • but I don't want you to download it!

  • Down there, eventually,

  • there'll be links where you can buy it. Buy a DVD, don't buy a BluRay. Please, this

  • movie's not worth that!

  • If you enjoyed this review, please subscribe to this channel.

  • If nothing else, I promise you, eventually I'm gonna have an aneurysm, and I'm gonna end up

  • dying with the taste of my own blood in my mouth

  • And if you're subscribing to me,

  • you'll get to see it first.

  • Have a lovely day.

So what's the movie about, you ask? A Chinese painting has been cut in half and

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外國人看電影「天機: 富春山居圖」Switch - Movie Review

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