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  • ...reckless sinful way throughout this life.

  • The Lord has told me

  • that the open gates of Hell

  • are yawning up widely in our path.

  • Yes, the flames

  • of perpetual damnation

  • are ever ready to grasp our souls.

  • We know the way of the righteous man.

  • Yeah, we know the prayer

  • of the righteous man.

  • I'm telling you that the Lord has spoken.

  • Yes, the Lord has spoken to me.

  • Hi.

  • Mike Enslin. Checking in.

  • Honey. Mr. Enslin.

  • We were afraid you weren't going to show.

  • Oh it's such an honor to have you here.

  • - Terrible night out there. - If I could just get the key,

  • I'll settle in and we can talk in the morning after...

  • You probably want to hear all about our haunted history.

  • Well, this staircase here,

  • this is where the maid reputedly hung herself in 1860.

  • There's a picture!

  • - Can we do this in the morning? - Wait wait.

  • It's printed in our brochure. Now...

  • - Did we send you one of these? - Uh, probably did.

  • - Do you see her in the window? - Yeah, there she is.

  • That's a photo that a guest took in 1986.

  • In your letter you mentioned that the rooms

  • with the most paranormal activity

  • were in the attic. Could I have one of those rooms?

  • That's right, because the attic is on the third floor

  • which is the former servant's quarters.

  • People say that all of Sylvia's children

  • died up there of tuberculosis.

  • - All of them? - Guests have reported strange sounds.

  • At the stroke of midnight there's been weird noises.

  • Now our best advice is to lock your door from the inside.

  • - Isn't that right, honey? - That's right.

  • You take care, you just lock it from the inside.

  • I will.

  • As soon as you give me the key.

  • I'm so... right. Got it right here.

  • - Number 14, you can't miss it. - Been a long drive.

  • - Good luck. - All right, we'll see

  • what the night brings.

  • Mrs. Clark, the proprietor,

  • says she hasn't slept a night

  • since acquiring the inn and I believe her.

  • No no no, I pity her.

  • But in any case, the eggs Benedict are delicious

  • and if you call in advance, Mrs. Clark says

  • she will bake her famous flourless chocolate cake.

  • On a Shiver Scale, I award the Weeping Beach Inn six skulls.

  • Screw 'em, five skulls.

  • - Hi. - Oh hey.

  • How's it going? Can I help you?

  • Yeah, I'm here for the big event.

  • All right. Cool.

  • I'm Mike Enslin.

  • Sorry?

  • - Book signing. - Oh, right.

  • Oh, that's you, yeah. I see the resemblance, yeah.

  • - That's a good picture. - Thanks, man.

  • All right, hold on.

  • Um... attention, book lovers.

  • Tonight we have noted occult writer

  • Michael Enslin

  • at the Author's Corner tonight.

  • He's the writer of the best-selling ghost survival guides,

  • um... with such titles as "10 Haunted Hotels,"

  • "10 Haunted Graveyards,"

  • "10 Haunted Lighthouses."

  • That's tonight, 7:00 pm.

  • Anyway, so I really enjoyed writing it,

  • and that's kind of a history of the book.

  • And I hope you enjoy it, or enjoyed it.

  • Uh, you know, stay scared.

  • Right? Any questions?

  • Where's the scariest place you've ever been?

  • Scariest place I've ever been?

  • Uh, I've never heard that question before.

  • That's a joke.

  • Well, all these places have very colorful histories.

  • Um...

  • I would say, if I had to pick a top one,

  • I would say Bar Harbor,

  • the site of the grisly McTeig wedding night murders.

  • That's an intense place. Or maybe St. Cloud, Minnesota,

  • where the crazed war widow threw her baby down a well.

  • I mean, those all have a lot of... I mean, it's thick.

  • - The air is thick. - What about poltergeists?

  • Look, I'm a good researcher. I go into every gig locked and loaded.

  • I travel with an EMF meter, full-range spectrometer,

  • infrared camera. I mean, look, nothing would make me happier

  • than to experience a paranormal event,

  • you know, to get a glimpse of the elusive light

  • at the end of the tunnel.

  • So you're saying there's no such thing as ghosts?

  • I'm saying I've never seen one,

  • but they're awful convenient for desperate hotels

  • when the interstate moves away.

  • This thing has really gone off the rails. Who has a pen?

  • - I do. - Which one?

  • Uh, but seriously, Mike, if I want to see a real live ghost,

  • where's my best bet?

  • - Guaranteed? - Yeah.

  • Haunted Mansion, Orlando.

  • Awesome, thanks.

  • - Stay scared. - Thank you.

  • Hey, Ray, can you lock up?

  • I got band practice tonight.

  • Holy shit.

  • What rock did you find that under?

  • - Um, eBay. - eBay, huh?

  • How much did it go for?

  • Well, there weren't many bidders.

  • I would think not.

  • - Wow. - But it's, um...

  • - an amazing book. - Oh.

  • Um, so... unique

  • and inspirational and honest.

  • Thanks. What's your name?

  • - Um, Anna. - Okay, Anna.

  • Are you gonna write another one like this one?

  • Nah, it's a different guy.

  • - Um... can I ask you a question? - Sure.

  • Um, the relationship in the book

  • with the father and the son... it's probably too personal,

  • - but, um, it's so authentic and... - Mm-hm.

  • well-constructed, and...

  • is it true?

  • No.

  • Well, thank you for this. I really appreciate it.

  • My pleasure.

  • Bye.

  • - Good boy! - Yo, homey...

  • Just a minute, Tiffany!

  • Yeah, I'm just gonna tie it inside my suit here.

  • Yo, Greg, check him out!

  • Did you see what happened?

  • Oh yeah.

  • Are you okay, buddy?

  • Hey, are you breathing?

  • - No! - Serious as a heart attack.

  • We got 325. That is back here, I think.

  • Uh-huh.

  • This is the one. Sign on the line, please, sir.

  • Oh, you mean right here?

  • - Have yourself a beautiful day. - Thank you.

  • - Thank you very much. - Hey, man, you've been gone a while.

  • - Hey, Jackson, what's up? - Oh by the way, dude,

  • I read your last book... the "10 Haunted Mansions" thing.

  • Man, that's some scary shit.

  • Cool.

  • Later on, dude.

  • - Hi. - Hi, how you doing?

  • - Hi. - Good.

  • Thanks.

  • That's cute.

  • Good evening, Dolphin Hotel. How might I direct your call?

  • Yeah, hi, I'm calling about room 1408.

  • One moment please, sir.

  • How may I help you?

  • Yeah, I'd like to stay in room 1408 please.

  • That room is unavailable, sir.

  • I didn't tell you which date.

  • How about Saturday?

  • It's unavailable.

  • The following Tuesday?

  • Unavailable.

  • Next month?

  • Unavailable.

  • Next summer?

  • Somebody, anybody, where's good Chinese near 48th?

  • I got to have lunch with that idiot from Random House. Anybody?

  • Sam, Mike Enslin calling from Los Angeles again.

  • I'll take it in there.

  • Clay, you got a sec for Mike Enslin?

  • - Say yes. - Yes.

  • Great. Now look, this guy tends to get a little morose,

  • so try to keep the energy up. Otherwise he stews in his own funk.

  • - Mike! - Hey, Sam.

  • Hey hey, read the first five chapters last night.

  • Spooky shit, couldn't sleep a wink.

  • Great. Hey, did you take care of that thing?

  • You'd better believe I did. And I got our top lawyer here right now.

  • Mike, Clay, Clay, Mike.

  • - Hi, Clay. - Mike.

  • Talk fast, all right? This guy's $400 an hour.

  • All right, Clay, what's up with the Dolphin?

  • Yeah, the Dolphin.

  • That stick-up-its-ass relic on Lexington.

  • Too posh for a free plug, right?

  • Well, you are gonna love what Clay's cooked up.

  • He dug around and found you... are you sitting down?

  • a Federal Civil Rights law.

  • Like somebody would discriminate against you,

  • a well-to-do white guy. But the law's the law, right, Clay?

  • Ergo, if the room's not occupied they have to give it to you.

  • Really?

  • Yeah. Now look, the manager there's gonna put up a stink

  • but he knows the drill.

  • - Nothing you can't handle. - So, Mike...

  • we'll book the room and if they refuse

  • we'll rattle our sabers and file suit.

  • - So it's all done? - Thanks, Clay. Get lost, all right?

  • Bye, Clay.

  • Yeah, Mike, are you there?

  • Yeah, uh, on a more personal note,

  • are you sure you want to come here?

  • Yeah, of course. It'll make a solid closing chapter of the book.

  • Yeah yeah, I know the routine.

  • But, I mean, it's New York.

  • All that happened... you really want to put yourself through that?

  • - I'll be quick. - Are you gonna call Lily?

  • No. I don't want to impose.

  • In and out. Nobody gets hurt.

  • It's just a job.

  • Here you are, Dolphin.

  • Hey! Taxi!

  • It's a beautiful room, with fabulous views of the city.

  • Pardon me, ladies.

  • Thanks very much.

  • Welcome to the Dolphin, sir.

  • - Are you checking in? - Mike Enslin.

  • One night.

  • And how are we spelling that today?

  • - N-S-L-I-N? - N-S-L-I-N.

  • Yeah.

  • Uh, would you excuse me for a moment, sir?

  • Sure.

  • Mr. Dempsey, Mike Enslin's just checked in.

  • - Where is he? - He's over at my desk.

  • That's fine, Marie. I'll take care of it.

  • Okay.

  • It'll just be a minute, Mr. Enslin.

  • Good evening, sir. Can I help you with your bag?

  • - No. - Very well.

  • Mr. Enslin, I'm Gerald Olin,

  • manager of the Dolphin.

  • If there's anything that I can do for you while you're here...

  • dinner reservations, theater tickets,

  • maybe a Knicks game? Anything...

  • just tell me. I am at your service.

  • Well, if I can just get the key to 1408, I can get out of your hair.

  • Oh, we were thinking of upgrading you to a penthouse suite.

  • 1408, please.

  • Insistent, aren't we?

  • Could you please humor me

  • by coming to my office for a more private conversation?

  • - Sure. - Excellent.

  • Come in. Make yourself comfortable.

  • 1408 a smoking room?

  • As a matter of fact, it is. Yes.

  • Good, one less worry in the watches of the night.

  • Care for a cigar?

  • No thank you, I don't smoke.

  • Oh this, yeah. That's...

  • in case nuclear war breaks out.

  • I gave it up a long time ago.

  • It's part habit, part superstition.

  • It's, you know, a writer thing.

  • You do drink, don't you?

  • Of course, I just said I was a writer.