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  • All right, I want to see a show of hands:

    好的,我想請大家舉個手表態:

  • how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook

    有多少人曾在臉書上因為對方談論了讓你很反感的

  • because they said something offensive about politics or religion,

    政治或信仰議題而被你刪除好友?

  • childcare, food?

    兒童保育、食物等?

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid

    有多少人曾迴避過別人

  • because you just don't want to talk to them?

    因為你就是不想跟他們講話?

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,

    要知道,在過去想要有一段禮貌性的談話

  • we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":

    我們只需要遵循《窈窕淑女》裡亨利希金斯的忠告:

  • Stick to the weather and your health."

    只要談論天氣跟你的健康就好。

  • But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

    但近幾年,氣候變化以及反對疫苗運動的議題 ——

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • are not safe either.

    可能也會讓對方睡著

  • So this world that we live in,

    所以我們生活的這個世界

  • this world in which every conversation

    每個對話

  • has the potential to devolve into an argument,

    都有可能發展成爭論

  • where our politicians can't speak to one another

    政客們不能建立對話

  • and where even the most trivial of issues

    即使是微不足道的議題

  • have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.

    都會因為有人激昂地贊成或反對而爭吵,這並不正常

  • Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,

    皮尤研究中心對一萬名美國成人做了個調查

  • and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized,

    發現目前我們偏激的程度,

  • we are more divided,

    我們立場鮮明的程度,

  • than we ever have been in history.

    比歷史上任何時期都要高

  • We're less likely to compromise,

    我們更不容易妥協

  • which means we're not listening to each other.

    這代表我們沒有傾聽彼此

  • And we make decisions about where to live,

    而且連我們決定要住在哪裡、

  • who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,

    要跟誰結婚、甚至要跟誰做朋友

  • based on what we already believe.

    都只基於我們已有的信念

  • Again, that means we're not listening to each other.

    我再說一遍,這表示 我們沒有傾聽彼此

  • A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,

    對話是建立在「說跟聽」的平衡之上

  • and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

    然而不知自何時起我們丟失了那個平衡

  • Now, part of that is due to technology.

    有一部分是因為科技

  • The smartphones that you all either have in your hands

    比如手機,現在就在你們手裏

  • or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.

    或者就在旁邊,隨手就能拿到

  • According to Pew Research,

    根據皮尤研究中心的研究

  • about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.

    約三分之一的美國青少年每天傳送超過一百條訊息

  • And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends

    其中許多人,甚至可說是大部分的人,更傾向於發訊息給朋友

  • than they are to talk to them face to face.

    而不是面對面的交談。

  • There's this great piece in The Atlantic.

    《大西洋》雜誌上有篇很棒的文章,

  • It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.

    作者是位高中老師,保羅.巴恩威

  • And he gave his kids a communication project.

    他給他的孩子們出了一項溝通任務

  • He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.

    希望教會他們如何不借助筆記, 針對某一話題發表演講

  • And he said this: "I came to realize..."

    他說:「我發現......」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "I came to realize that conversational competence

    我發現到「溝通能力」

  • might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

    大概是我們最忽略、 沒好好教孩子的能力之一。

  • Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,

    孩子每天在螢幕前花好幾小時 找想法及跟同儕互動,

  • but rarely do they have an opportunity

    但他們卻少有機會

  • to hone their interpersonal communications skills.

    磨練他們人與人之間的溝通技巧

  • It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:

    這問題聽起來很好笑, 但我們得問自己:

  • Is there any 21st-century skill

    「21世紀,有什麽技能

  • more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

    會比維持一段連貫、 自信的談話更為重要?」

  • Now, I make my living talking to people:

    我的職業就是跟別人談話。

  • Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,

    諾貝爾獎得主、卡車司機

  • billionaires, kindergarten teachers,

    億萬富翁、幼稚園老師

  • heads of state, plumbers.

    州長、水電工

  • I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like.

    我得跟我喜歡的人交談,我得跟我不喜歡的人交談。

  • I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.

    跟我個人意見極度相左的人交談。

  • But I still have a great conversation with them.

    但我還是能跟他們開心地聊上一段。

  • So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk

    所以接下來十分鐘, 我要教各位怎麼說話

  • and how to listen.

    還有怎麼傾聽

  • Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,

    在場許多人都聽過這一類的建議

  • things like look the person in the eye,

    比如,看著對方的眼睛

  • think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,

    提前想好可以討論的有趣話題

  • look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,

    注視、點頭並且微笑表示你有在聽

  • repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.

    重覆你剛才聽到的,或者做總結

  • So I want you to forget all of that.

    我希望你們全忘掉這些

  • It is crap.

    因為全是屁話

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention

    根本沒必要去學習如何表現你很專心,

  • if you are in fact paying attention.

    如果你真的很......專心的話。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

  • Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer

    我其實只是把職業面試者一模一樣的技巧

  • that I do in regular life.

    用在日常生活中

  • So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,

    所以,我要教各位怎麼面試人

  • and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.

    這會幫助各位成為更棒的談話者

  • Learn to have a conversation

    學習建立起談話

  • without wasting your time, without getting bored,

    但不讓談話浪費你的時間,也不讓談話讓你覺得無聊

  • and, please God, without offending anybody.

    還有拜託不要激怒任何人

  • We've all had really great conversations.

    我們都有過很棒的談話經驗

  • We've had them before. We know what it's like.

    大家都有過經驗, 我們知道很棒的對話是什麼樣子

  • The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,

    那種結束之後令你感到很享受,很受鼓舞的交談

  • or where you feel like you've made a real connection

    或者令你覺得你和別人建立了真實的連結

  • or you've been perfectly understood.

    或者讓你完全得到了他人的理解

  • There is no reason

    沒有理由說

  • why most of your interactions can't be like that.

    各位大部分的人際互動不能成為那樣

  • So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,

    我有 10 條基本規則, 我會一條條向各位解釋

  • but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it,

    但說實在的,如果你從中選一條練到爐火純青

  • you'll already enjoy better conversations.

    你就已經可以享受更愉快的對話了

  • Number one: Don't multitask.

    第一條:不要一心多用

  • And I don't mean just set down your cell phone

    我不是說單純放下你的手機、

  • or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

    平板電腦、車鑰匙, 或者隨便什麽握在手裏的東西。

  • I mean, be present.

    我的意思是,處在當下。

  • Be in that moment.

    進入到那個情境中去

  • Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.

    不要想著你之前和老闆的爭吵

  • Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.

    不要想著你晚飯吃什麽

  • If you want to get out of the conversation,

    如果你想退出交談

  • get out of the conversation,

    就退出交談

  • but don't be half in it and half out of it.

    但不要心不在焉

  • Number two: Don't pontificate.

    第二條:不要自以為是

  • If you want to state your opinion

    如果你想要表達自己的看法

  • without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,

    又不想讓別人有機會可以 回應、爭論、反駁或成長

  • write a blog.

    那你寫部落格就好了啊......

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:

    我不讓權威專家上我節目是有理由的:

  • Because they're really boring.

    因為他們真的很無聊

  • If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

    如果他們是保守派,他們就會討厭歐巴馬、食物券跟墮胎

  • If they're liberal, they're going to hate

    如果他們是自由派他們就會討厭

  • big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.

    大銀行、石油公司還有迪克錢尼 (小布希政府時期的副總統)

  • Totally predictable.

    完全猜得到

  • And you don't want to be like that.

    但大家不會希望是那樣

  • You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.

    你需要在進入每一次談話時, 先假定自己可以學習到一些東西

  • The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said

    知名的治療師史考特派克說過

  • that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.

    「真正的傾聽需要放下自己。」

  • And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.

    有時候可能指的是放下自己的意見

  • He said that sensing this acceptance,

    他說,「如果說話的人感受到了你的接納

  • the speaker will become less and less vulnerable

    他會變得比較不那麼敏感

  • and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses

    更有可能會向你

  • of his or her mind to the listener.

    吐露自己的心聲。」

  • Again, assume that you have something to learn.

    再次強調,請想著你會學到東西

  • Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."

    比爾奈說過:「你遇到的每個人 都知道一些你不知道的事。」

  • I put it this way:

    我換句話說:

  • Everybody is an expert in something.

    每個人都是某方面的專家

  • Number three: Use open-ended questions.

    第三項:使用開放式問題

  • In this case, take a cue from journalists.

    關於這點,可以參考 記者採訪的提問方式

  • Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.

    從人、事、時、地、 原因、方式開始問

  • If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.

    如果你詢問一個複雜的問題 將會得到一個簡單的回答。

  • If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"

    如果我問:「你害怕嗎?」

  • you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,

    你只會針對這句子中 最有力的字——「害怕」

  • which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

    來做回答,並只會回應 「是」或「不是」

  • "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

    「你生氣嗎?」「是,我很生氣」

  • Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.

    讓對方描述嘛, 對方才是了解事情的人

  • Try asking them things like, "What was that like?"

    好比問他們「那是什麽情境?」

  • "How did that feel?"

    「你感覺怎麼樣?」

  • Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,

    因為這樣他們可能就會想一下

  • and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

    你也會得到更有趣的回答

  • Number four: Go with the flow.

    第四條:順其自然

  • That means thoughts will come into your mind

    也就是說,想法會 自然流入你的頭腦

  • and you need to let them go out of your mind.

    你只要把它們表達出來

  • We've heard interviews often

    我們常會聽到訪談

  • in which a guest is talking for several minutes

    來賓說了好幾分鐘

  • and then the host comes back in and asks a question

    然後主持人回過來問問題

  • which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.

    問題卻扯不上關係或是 來賓已經回答過了

  • That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago

    這表示主持人可能兩分鐘前就沒在聽了

  • because he thought of this really clever question,

    因為他一想到 這個非常機智的問題

  • and he was just bound and determined to say that.

    就會一心一意地 想著這個問題

  • And we do the exact same thing.

    我們也會這樣

  • We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,

    我們跟某人坐著聊天

  • and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

    我們突然想起那次和 休傑克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And we stop listening.

    然後我們就沒在聽對方說話了

  • Stories and ideas are going to come to you.

    故事跟想法會在心中浮現

  • You need to let them come and let them go.

    你得學會記住,也得學會順其自然

  • Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.

    第五條:如果你不懂,就說你不懂。

  • Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,

    廣播節目裏的人,尤其在 全國公共廣播電台 (NPR) 中,

  • are much more aware that they're going on the record,

    非常明白他們的談話會被播放出去。

  • and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in

    所以他們對自己聲稱專業的地方

  • and what they claim to know for sure.

    以及言之鑿鑿的東西會更加小心

  • Do that. Err on the side of caution.

    請這樣做:謹言慎行

  • Talk should not be cheap.

    談話不應該隨便

  • Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

    第六條:別拿自己的經驗跟別人的相提並論

  • If they're talking about having lost a family member,

    如果他們談到親人離世

  • don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.

    別開始說自己的親人離世,

  • If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,

    如果他們談論到工作上的瓶頸,

  • don't tell them about how much you hate your job.

    別開始說你有多討厭你的工作

  • It's not the same. It is never the same.

    不會一樣的,永遠不可能一樣

  • All experiences are individual.

    任何經歷都是獨一無二的

  • And, more importantly, it is not about you.

    而且,更重要的是, 這不是在談論你的事

  • You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are

    你不用在這個時候, 證明你有多厲害

  • or how much you've suffered.

    或是你有多煎熬。

  • Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said,

    有人問過史蒂芬霍金他的智商多少

  • "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

    他說:「我不知道, 但會吹噓自己智商的人通常是魯蛇。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

    交談不是推銷自己的機會。

  • Number seven:

    第七條:

  • Try not to repeat yourself.

    盡量別重覆自己的話

  • It's condescending, and it's really boring,

    這樣很傲慢也很無聊,

  • and we tend to do it a lot.

    但我們卻常這樣做

  • Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,

    特別是在聊工作或是跟孩子說話時,

  • we have a point to make,

    當我們想聲明一個觀點,

  • so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.

    會換個方法不停地撈叨,

  • Don't do that.

    別這樣做。

  • Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.

    第八條:不要細數無關緊要的事。

  • Frankly, people don't care

    坦白說,沒有人會在乎

  • about the years, the names,

    年份、名字

  • the dates, all those details

    日期等細節,

  • that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.

    你努力試圖在腦中 回想那些細節,

  • They don't care. What they care about is you.

    但對方其實不在乎 他們在乎的是你。

  • They care about what you're like,

    他們在乎你是什麼樣的人,

  • what you have in common.

    你們之間有什麼共通處。

  • So forget the details. Leave them out.

    所以忘掉細節吧,別管那些。

  • Number nine:

    第九條:

  • This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.

    這不是最後一條,但, 是最重要的一條:

  • Listen.

    「傾聽」

  • I cannot tell you how many really important people have said

    我說不出有多少重要人士說過,

  • that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill

    傾聽大概是你可以努力學習

  • that you could develop.

    最重要的技巧。

  • Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,

    佛曰——我轉述一下,

  • "If your mouth is open, you're not learning."

    「如果你開口說話,你就學不到東西」。

  • And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

    卡爾文.柯立芝說過: 「沒有人因為聽太多而被開除」。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Why do we not listen to each other?

    為什麼我們不傾聽彼此?

  • Number one, we'd rather talk.

    第一點是因為大家很愛講。

  • When I'm talking, I'm in control.

    我說話的時候,我就有主控權。

  • I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.

    我不想聽到我不感興趣的事,

  • I'm the center of attention.

    我是注意力的焦點,

  • I can bolster my own identity.

    我可以強化自己的認同感。

  • But there's another reason:

    但還有一個原因:

  • We get distracted.

    我們會分心。

  • The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,

    一個人每分鐘平均大概會說 225 個字

  • but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.

    但我們每分鐘可以聽進 500 個字

  • So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.

    所以我們腦袋就會自己補上那 275 個字。

  • And look, I know, it takes effort and energy

    我知道真正地專心聽別人講話

  • to actually pay attention to someone,

    很耗費精力,

  • but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.

    但如果你不這麽做, 你們就不是在交談

  • You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences

    你們就只是兩個人在同一個地方

  • in the same place.

    彼此大吼著不相干的句子

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • You have to listen to one another.

    你們得互相傾聽

  • Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

    史蒂芬.柯维說得很棒,

  • He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.

    他說:「我們大多數人 都不是為了理解而傾聽

  • We listen with the intent to reply."

    ,我們只是為了想要回答而聽」

  • One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

    最後一條,第十條:簡明扼要

  • [A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest,

    好的談話就像迷你裙,短到能留住大家的興趣

  • but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]

    但又長到重點都包得到, 引用自我妹妹的話。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

  • All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one:

    這全都能歸結成一項基本概念 那就是:

  • Be interested in other people.

    對他人產生興趣

  • You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,

    我在一個名人爺爺的身邊長大,

  • and there was kind of a ritual in my home.

    我家裏賓客絡繹不絕,

  • People would come over to talk to my grandparents,

    大家會來找爺爺奶奶聊天,

  • and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us,

    他們要離開的時候,我母親會過來問我們,

  • and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?

    她說:「你知道那是誰嗎?