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  • I'm a painter.

    我是一名畫家,

  • I make large-scale figurative paintings,

    我專攻大型的形象繪畫,

  • which means I paint people

    也就是說,我畫人物,

  • like this.

    像這樣的。

  • But I'm here tonight to tell you about something personal

    但今晚我來這裏,是想和大家分享

  • that changed my work and my perspective.

    一些改變我作品和想法的私事。

  • It's something we all go through,

    一些我們都會經歷的事,

  • and my hope is that my experience may be helpful to somebody.

    而我希望我的經歷 能幫助到一些人。

  • To give you some background on me, I grew up the youngest of eight.

    為了讓各位更了解我,我先從背景說起, 我是家裏八個孩子中最小的。

  • Yes, eight kids in my family.

    是的,我們家中有八個孩子。

  • I have six older brothers and a sister.

    我有六個哥哥和一個姐姐。

  • To give you a sense of what that's like,

    為了讓各位有更直觀的感覺,

  • when my family went on vacation,

    我們全家出去旅遊,

  • we had a bus.

    開的是巴士。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • My supermom would drive us all over town

    我的超人媽媽會開車 載我們到城中各處,

  • to our various after-school activities --

    去參加各式的課後活動——

  • not in the bus.

    不是用巴士。

  • We had a regular car, too.

    我們家也是有普通車的。

  • She would take me to art classes,

    她送我去上美術課,

  • and not just one or two.

    不僅一、兩種。

  • She took me to every available art class from when I was eight to 16,

    在我八歲到十六歲之間, 她帶我參加所有我能參加的美術課,

  • because that's all I wanted to do.

    因為我真的很喜歡美術。

  • She even took a class with me in New York City.

    她甚至在紐約城和我一起上課。

  • Now, being the youngest of eight, I learned a few survival skills.

    身為家中最小的孩子, 我學會了一些生存技能。

  • Rule number one:

    規則一:

  • don't let your big brother see you do anything stupid.

    永遠別讓你哥看到你在做傻事。

  • So I learned to be quiet and neat

    所以我學會了安靜與整潔、

  • and careful to follow the rules and stay in line.

    循規蹈矩並小心行事。

  • But painting was where I made the rules.

    但談到繪畫,就是我說了算。

  • That was my private world.

    那是我的私人世界。

  • By 14, I knew I really wanted to be an artist.

    我十四歲大的時候, 就決心做一名畫家。

  • My big plan was to be a waitress to support my painting.

    我的偉大計劃是,去當一名 女服務生來支持我的繪畫開支。

  • So I continued honing my skills.

    我持續磨練我的技能。

  • I went to graduate school and I got an MFA,

    我去念研究院, 並獲得了碩士學位,

  • and at my first solo show, my brother asked me,

    在我第一次的個人繪畫展中, 我的哥哥問我,

  • "What do all these red dots mean next to the paintings?"

    「那些有紅點在旁邊的畫 是什麽意思?」

  • Nobody was more surprised than me.

    當時沒有人比我更驚訝了。

  • The red dots meant that the paintings were sold

    那些紅點代表我的畫已經賣掉了,

  • and that I'd be able to pay my rent

    也就是說,我有能力

  • with painting.

    用繪畫來支付我的房租了。

  • Now, my apartment had four electrical outlets,

    所以我住的的公寓有四個插座了,

  • and I couldn't use a microwave and a toaster at the same time,

    但還是沒有辦法同時使用 微波爐和烤麵包機,

  • but still, I could pay my rent.

    但,至少我可以支付我的租金了。

  • So I was very happy.

    所以我很開心。

  • Here's a painting from back around that time.

    這是一幅我當時的繪畫作品。

  • I needed it to be as realistic as possible.

    我希望畫作的呈現,越真實越好,

  • It had to be specific and believable.

    它必須具體且令人信服。

  • This was the place where I was isolated and in total control.

    它是一個讓我感到清淨、 完全有主導權的地方。

  • Since then, I've made a career of painting people in water.

    之後,我專攻繪畫水中的人物像。

  • Bathtubs and showers were the perfect enclosed environment.

    浴缸和淋浴間是 與外隔絕的完美空間。

  • It was intimate and private,

    令人感到親密且隱私的,

  • and water was this complicated challenge that kept me busy for a decade.

    而「水」這個覆雜的挑戰 也讓我忙了將近十年。

  • I made about 200 of these paintings,

    我大約創作了200幅這樣的作品,

  • some of them six to eight feet,

    其中一些有6到8英寸大,

  • like this one.

    就跟這幅差不多。

  • For this painting, I mixed flour in with the bathwater to make it cloudy

    為了要畫這幅畫,我把麵粉撒進水裡, 讓水看起來有煙霧瀰漫的感覺,

  • and I floated cooking oil on the surface

    然後我在上面塗了一層烹飪油,

  • and stuck a girl in it,

    然後請一位女孩進去,

  • and when I lit it up,

    當我打光上去,

  • it was so beautiful I couldn't wait to paint it.

    那畫面真的太美了, 我等不及想馬上畫了。

  • I was driven by this kind of impulsive curiosity,

    我被這種沖動的好奇心所驅使,

  • always looking for something new to add:

    一直在尋找創作畫作的新元素:

  • vinyl, steam, glass.

    黑膠唱片、水蒸氣、玻璃。

  • I once put all this Vaseline in my head and hair

    有一次我把凡士林往我頭上倒,

  • just to see what that would look like.

    想看看頭髮呈現的效果。

  • Don't do that.

    千萬別那麽做...

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So it was going well.

    一切都相當順利。

  • I was finding my way.

    我找到了自己的出路,

  • I was eager and motivated

    我是如此渴望、如此充滿動力,

  • and surrounded by artists,

    身邊圍繞著藝術家,

  • always going to openings and events.

    也常常參加各種開幕式和活動。

  • I was having some success and recognition

    我獲得了成功和 別人對我的認同,

  • and I moved into an apartment with more than four outlets.

    所以我搬到一個有超過 四個插座的公寓裏去。

  • My mom and I would stay up very late

    我母親和我會熬夜談論

  • talking about our latest ideas and inspiring each other.

    最新的想法,並互相鼓勵。

  • She made beautiful pottery.

    她做的陶器很美。

  • I have a friend named Bo who made this painting

    我有一個叫博的朋友,

  • of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,

    他畫了一幅我和他太太 在海邊跳舞的畫。

  • and he called it "The Light Years."

    他給這幅畫取名叫《光年》。

  • I asked him what that meant, and he said,

    我問他那是什麽意思, 他回答說:

  • "Well, that's when you've stepped into adulthood, you're no longer a child,

    「在你步入成年,不再是一個孩子,

  • but you're not yet weighed down by the responsibilities of life."

    但你卻還沒有準備好 扛起生命責任的那段時光。」

  • That was it. It was the light years.

    那就是《光年》。

  • On October 8, 2011,

    2011年10月8日,

  • the light years came to an end.

    我的《光年》結束了。

  • My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.

    我媽被診斷出了肺癌。

  • It had spread to her bones, and it was in her brain.

    癌細胞已經擴散到 她的骨頭和大腦。

  • When she told me this, I fell to my knees.

    當她告訴我這件事時, 我跪倒了。

  • I totally lost it.

    我完全不知所措。

  • And when I got myself together and I looked at her,

    當我整理好情緒,我注視著她,

  • I realized, this isn't about me.

    我意識到我自己不是重點,

  • This is about figuring out how to help her.

    如何幫助她才是重點。

  • My father is a doctor,

    我的父親是一名醫生,

  • and so we had a great advantage having him in charge,

    所以讓他負責治療有很多好處,

  • and he did a beautiful job taking care of her.

    他在照顧我媽這方面,做得很好。

  • But I, too, wanted to do everything I could to help,

    但是,我也想盡一切努力幫助她,

  • so I wanted to try everything.

    所以我想嘗試各種可能。

  • We all did.

    我們甚麼都做。

  • I researched alternative medicines,

    我研究了其它備選的藥物、

  • diets, juicing, acupuncture.

    飲食、果汁、針灸。

  • Finally, I asked her,

    有一天,我問她,

  • "Is this what you want me to do?"

    「這是你想讓我為你做的嗎?」

  • And she said, "No."

    她說:「不。」

  • She said, "Pace yourself. I'm going to need you later."

    她說:「做你該做的, 我之後會需要你的。」

  • She knew what was happening,

    她知道正在發生的這一切,

  • and she knew what the doctors

    她還知道了醫生、

  • and the experts and the internet didn't know:

    專家和網絡不知道的事:

  • how she wanted to go through this.

    她自己想要如何地 經歷這一切。

  • I just needed to ask her.

    我只要問她就知道答案。

  • I realized that if I tried to fix it,

    但我知道,如果我嘗試著續續問下去,

  • I would miss it.

    我就會失去她。

  • So I just started to be with her,

    所以我決定,只要守護在她身邊,

  • whatever that meant and whatever situation came up,

    不管情況變得怎樣,

  • just really listen to her.

    我只要傾聽她的想法就好。

  • If before I was resisting, then now I was surrendering,

    以前我會抗拒,但現在我看開了,

  • giving up trying to control the uncontrollable

    我已經放棄嘗試去控制 那些不可控的東西,

  • and just being there in it with her.

    只想好好地陪伴她。

  • Time slowed down,

    時間慢了下來,

  • and the date was irrelevant.

    日期也不重要了。

  • We developed a routine.

    我們建立了一個固定的生活方式。

  • Early each morning I would crawl into bed with her and sleep with her.

    每天早上我都會躲進 她的被窩裡和她睡在一起。

  • My brother would come for breakfast

    我哥哥會過來一起吃早餐,

  • and we'd be so glad to hear his car coming up the driveway.

    每當我們聽見他的車開入車道時, 我們都會很開心。

  • So I'd help her up and take both her hands

    我會握住她的雙手,幫忙扶她起來,

  • and help her walk to the kitchen.

    帶她走到廚房。

  • She had this huge mug she made

    她有一個這麼大的、 自己做的大馬克杯,

  • she loved to drink her coffee out of,

    她喜歡把一大杯咖啡都喝光,

  • and she loved Irish soda bread for breakfast.

    她也喜歡早餐的愛爾蘭蘇打麵包。

  • Afterwards was the shower,

    之後會去洗澡,

  • and she loved this part.

    她很喜歡洗澡。

  • She loved the warm water,

    她很愛溫暖的水,

  • so I made this as indulgent as I could,

    我會盡量幫她放鬆,

  • like a spa.

    像做 spa 一樣。

  • My sister would help sometimes.

    我的姐姐有時會來幫忙。

  • We had warm towels

    當她洗好,我們會趕緊準備好

  • and slippers ready immediately

    溫暖的毛巾和拖鞋, 這樣她就不會著涼。

  • so she never got cold for a second.

    然後我會吹乾她的頭髮。

  • I'd blow-dry her hair.

    到了晚上,哥哥們 會帶著他們的孩子過來,

  • My brothers would come in the evenings and bring their kids,

    那是她一天當中最精彩的部分。

  • and that was the highlight of her day.

    一段時間後,我們開始使用輪椅,

  • Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,

    她不再吃那麽多,

  • and she didn't want to eat so much,

    她使用我們找來的 最小茶杯來喝咖啡。

  • and she used the tiniest little teacup we could find to drink her coffee.

    我一個人已經顧不來,

  • I couldn't support her myself anymore,

    所以我們雇了一個助手來幫她洗澡。

  • so we hired an aide to help me with the showers.

    這些簡單的日常活動,

  • These simple daily activities

    變成我們神聖的例行公事,

  • became our sacred ritual,

    隨著癌症的擴散,

  • and we repeated them day after day

    我們日覆一日的重覆。

  • as the cancer grew.

    我們很恭敬也很痛苦,

  • It was humbling and painful

    但這是我想要的。

  • and exactly where I wanted to be.

    我們把這段時間稱為 《美麗的痛苦時光》。

  • We called this time "the beautiful awful."

    她在2012年10月26日過世。

  • She died on October 26, 2012.

    離她診斷出癌症 一年又三個禮拜後,

  • It was a year and three weeks after her diagnosis.

    她離開了人間。

  • She was gone.

    我的哥哥們、姐姐、父親還有我,

  • My brothers, sister, and father and I

    大家以這種支持和 關愛的方式一起度過。

  • all came together in this supportive and attentive way.

    雖然這是我們整個家庭的巨變,

  • It was as though our whole family dynamic

    我們的付出都付之一炬,

  • and all our established roles vanished

    但我們仍一起面對未知的世界,

  • and we were just all together in this unknown,

    感同身受,照顧彼此。

  • feeling the same thing

    我真心感激他們。

  • and taking care of each other.

    身為一個把大部分時間 都待在畫室的我,

  • I'm so grateful for them.

    對這種聯繫感...

  • As someone who spends most of my time alone in a studio working,

    這麼重要、這麼有療癒的聯繫感 卻一無所知。

  • I had no idea that this kind of connection

    這是相當重要的事情。

  • could be so important, so healing.

    這就是我一直在追尋的。

  • This was the most important thing.

    葬禮之後,是時候該回到我的畫室了。

  • It was what I always wanted.

    我收拾好行李,開車回布魯克林,

  • So after the funeral, it was time for me to go back to my studio.

    繪畫一直是我的最愛, 我只會做這件事。

  • So I packed up my car and I drove back to Brooklyn,

    後來發生了一件事:

  • and painting is what I've always done, so that's what I did.

    我感受到心裡對每樣東西的釋懷。

  • And here's what happened.

    那種安全感,那個我在其它畫作中

  • It's like a release of everything that was unraveling in me.

    精心創造出的安全之地,

  • That safe, very, very carefully rendered safe place

    只是個神話,

  • that I created in all my other paintings,

    它不再起作用了。

  • it was a myth.

    我很害怕,因為我不想再畫下去了。

  • It didn't work.

    我跑到樹林裏。

  • And I was afraid, because I didn't want to paint anymore.

    我在想,我得試試,去外面走走。

  • So I went into the woods.

    我帶上畫具,我並非風景畫家,

  • I thought, I'll try that, going outside.

    但當時我什麽畫家也不是,

  • I got my paints, and I wasn't a landscape painter,

    沒有歸屬感、沒有期望,

  • but I wasn't really much of any kind of painter at all,

    這讓我可以完全自由 不計後果地創作。

  • so I had no attachment, no expectation,

    我留了一副未乾的畫

  • which allowed me to be reckless and free.

    在外面過夜,

  • I actually left one of these wet paintings

    把它放在樹林中的 一盞路燈旁。

  • outside overnight

    隔天早上,蟲子都被黏在漆裏了。

  • next to a light in the woods.

    但我並不在意,這一點都不重要, 一點都不重要。

  • By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.

    我把這些畫全都帶回我的畫室,

  • But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter.

    我把它們刮花,

  • I took all these paintings back to my studio,

    然後把塗料稀釋劑倒在畫上,

  • and scraped them, and carved into them,

    倒更多的染料在上面, 在頂層作畫。

  • and poured paint thinner on them,

    我毫無計劃,

  • put more paint on top, drew on them.

    但我在觀察正在發生的一切。

  • I had no plan,

    這就是當時那幅有 好多小蟲在裏面的畫。

  • but I was watching what was happening.

    我沒有嘗試要創作真實的空間。

  • This is the one with all the bugs in it.

    是其中的混亂和不完美讓我著迷,

  • I wasn't trying to represent a real space.

    隨後一些事情發生了,

  • It was the chaos and the imperfections that were fascinating me,

    我的好奇心回來了。

  • and something started to happen.

    這是在樹林裏的另一幅畫。

  • I got curious again.

    不過現在多了一份解釋。

  • This is another one from the woods.

    我無法像以前一樣 去控制我所畫的。

  • There was a caveat now, though.

    它需要暗示、啟發,

  • I couldn't be controlling the paint like I used to.

    而非解釋、描述。

  • It had to be about implying and suggesting,

    而那不完美、混沌、混亂的表面

  • not explaining or describing.

    向我們講述了故事的經過。

  • And that imperfect, chaotic, turbulent surface

    我開始變得好奇, 就像我學生時代那樣。

  • is what told the story.

    所以,我開始想把人物 放進到這些繪畫當中,

  • I started to be as curious as I was when I was a student.

    我喜歡這個新的環境,

  • So the next thing was I wanted to put figures in these paintings, people,

    我希望人物和這氛圍 能融為一體。

  • and I loved this new environment,

    當我知道如何做的時候,

  • so I wanted to have both people and this atmosphere.

    我卻感到了噁心和眩暈,

  • When the idea hit me of how to do this,

    可能只是因為腎上腺素的原因,

  • I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,

    但這對我來說,這是一個好的徵兆。

  • which is really just adrenaline, probably,

    所以我想向各位展示 我最近的作品。

  • but for me it's a really good sign.

    這是一些我還沒 來得及展示的畫作,

  • And so now I want to show you what I've been working on.

    我想,就把它當作

  • It's something I haven't shown yet, and it's like a preview, I guess,

    我即將展示目前所有畫作的 畫展預告吧。

  • of my upcoming show,

    我用開闊的空間,

  • what I have so far.

    替代掉孤立的浴缸。

  • Expansive space

    我要走出去,而非在裡面。

  • instead of the isolated bathtub.

    解開控制權,

  • I'm going outside instead of inside.

    品味不完整,

  • Loosening control,

    接受那——

  • savoring the imperfections,

    接受那些不完整。

  • allowing the --

    在那些不完整中,

  • allowing the imperfections.

    你能找尋到脆弱。

  • And in that imperfection,

    我能感受到我內心深處 對我最重要的意圖,

  • you can find a vulnerability.

    我能感受到人與人之間的連結、

  • I could feel my deepest intention, what matters most to me,

    我能感受到無拘無束的空間。

  • that human connection

    我想要對此作畫。

  • that can happen in a space where there's no resisting or controlling.

    而我學到的就是:

  • I want to make paintings about that.

    在人生旅途中, 我們都會經歷到一些重創,

  • So here's what I learned.

    也許是工作、事業、

  • We're all going to have big losses in our lives,

    關係、愛情、青春。

  • maybe a job or a career,

    我們會失去健康,

  • relationships, love, our youth.

    失去我們摯愛的人。

  • We're going to lose our health,

    這些失去都不是 我們能控制的。

  • people we love.

    它們是無法預測的,

  • These kinds of losses are out of our control.

    它們使我們不得不向命運低頭,

  • They'