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  • So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

    我知道TED上談論的大多是重要的大事,

  • but I want to talk to you about something very small.

    但是我想跟你們分享一件小小事。

  • So small, it's a single word.

    非常小的事,只是單單的一個詞:

  • The word is "misfit."

    這個詞叫作「異類」。

  • It's one of my favorite words, because it's so literal.

    這是我最喜愛的詞, 因為它是如此地切和字面上的意思——

  • I mean, it's a person who sort of missed fitting in.

    我的意思是,那意味著, 一個人錯過了融入群體的機會。

  • Or a person who fits in badly.

    或是指一個人融入得非常糟糕。

  • Or this: "a person who is poorly adapted

    或該這麼說:無法良好適應

  • to new situations and environments."

    新的處境與環境的一個人。

  • I'm a card-carrying misfit.

    我就是一個不折不扣的「異類」。

  • And I'm here for the other misfits in the room,

    而為了其他異類,我站在這裡,

  • because I'm never the only one.

    因為在異類中, 我永遠不是唯一一個。

  • I'm going to tell you a misfit story.

    我現在要和你們說一個異類的故事。

  • Somewhere in my early 30s,

    當我三十出頭時,

  • the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.

    成為一位作家的夢想 近得彷彿就在我眼前。

  • Actually, it came to my mailbox

    實際上,它來到了我的郵箱中,

  • in the form of a letter that said I'd won a giant literary prize

    一封信件表示 我獲得了一個知名文學獎項。

  • for a short story I had written.

    得獎的是我寫的一篇短篇故事。

  • The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer

    短篇故事的內容是關於我 作為優秀游泳選手的生活,

  • and about my crappy home life,

    還有我糟透了的家庭生活。

  • and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.

    另外還有那些關於傷痛和失去 是如何逼瘋人的。

  • The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents

    獲獎的獎勵是一趟旅程: 前往紐約會見一流的編輯,著作經紀人

  • and other authors.

    以及其他的作家。

  • So kind of it was the wannabe writer's dream, right?

    這就是一個立志成為作家的人的 夢想,對吧?

  • You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?

    但你知道我在拿到信的那天做了什麼嗎?

  • Because I'm me,

    因為我就是我,

  • I put the letter on my kitchen table,

    我把信件放在廚房的桌上,

  • I poured myself a giant glass of vodka

    喝了一大杯伏特加,

  • with ice and lime,

    加了冰塊和萊姆片,

  • and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,

    我穿著內衣坐在那裡一整天,

  • just staring at the letter.

    只是盯著信看。

  • I was thinking about all the ways I'd already screwed my life up.

    我在想我一路是如何 把自己的人生搞砸的。

  • Who the hell was I to go to New York City

    該死的那個要前往紐約、

  • and pretend to be a writer?

    裝作是一名作家的我到底是誰?

  • Who was I?

    我是誰?

  • I'll tell you.

    我來告訴你。

  • I was a misfit.

    我是個異類。

  • Like legions of other children,

    就像眾多孩子一樣,

  • I came from an abusive household

    我來自家暴家庭,

  • that I narrowly escaped with my life.

    我幾乎用盡自己的生命逃脫。

  • I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.

    我已經經歷了兩段史詩般失敗的婚姻。

  • I'd flunked out of college not once but twice

    我被大學退學不只一次, 而是兩次。

  • and maybe even a third time that I'm not going to tell you about.

    或許還有第三次, 但我不打算告訴你們。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And I'd done an episode of rehab for drug use.

    我經歷過一次戒毒療程。

  • And I'd had two lovely staycations in jail.

    我有兩段美好的居家休假—— 在監獄裡。

  • So I'm on the right stage.

    我很適合這個舞台不是嗎。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,

    但真正的理由, 我想,是因為我是個不適應環境的人。

  • is that my daughter died the day she was born,

    我女兒在她出生當天去世,

  • and I hadn't figured out how to live with that story yet.

    而我還不知道要如何面對這件事。

  • After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,

    在我女兒去世後, 我有很長一段時間無家可歸,

  • living under an overpass

    住在天橋下,

  • in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss

    沉溺在一種行屍走肉般的悲痛 和失去所有的沉重情緒中,

  • that some of us encounter along the way.

    那是我們部分人會經歷的過程。

  • Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.

    也許我們所有人都會經歷——如果你活得夠長。

  • You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,

    你知道,無家可歸者是最英勇的異類,

  • because they start out as us.

    因為他們和我們有著一樣的開始。

  • So you see, I'd missed fitting in to just about every category out there:

    所以你可以發現,我幾乎無法良好地適應 在這當中所有的角色:

  • daughter, wife, mother, scholar.

    女兒、妻子、母親、學生。

  • And the dream of being a writer

    而成為作家的夢想

  • was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.

    一直都如此悲傷而渺小, 讓我感覺如鯁在喉。

  • It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane

    我不由自主地上了那架飛機,

  • and flew to New York City,

    並且飛到了紐約市,

  • where the writers are.

    那些作家所在的地方。

  • Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.

    各位異類, 我幾乎可以看到你們頭上的光芒。

  • I can pick you out of a room.

    我可以把你們從這裡認出來。

  • At first, you would've loved it.

    一開始,你們會喜歡的。

  • You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,

    你得到機會, 可以選擇三位你最想會見的知名作家,

  • and these guys went and found them for you.

    然後他們會為你找到那些作家。

  • You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,

    你被安置在格拉梅西公園酒店,

  • where you got to drink Scotch late in the night

    在那裡你可以喝蘇格蘭威士忌 直到深夜,

  • with cool, smart, swank people.

    和一群酷炫、聰明、愛出風頭的人一起,

  • And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.

    而你也要裝作自己很酷炫、聰明、愛出風頭。

  • And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents

    接著,你要去會見許多編輯、作家與著作經紀人,

  • at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.

    在非常、非常豪華別緻的午餐和晚餐廳中。

  • Ask me how fancy.

    問問我有多豪華。

  • Audience: How fancy?

    (觀眾):有多豪華?

  • Lidia Yuknavitch: I'm making a confession: I stole three linen napkins --

    我現在要來自首: 我偷了三條亞麻餐巾——

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • from three different restaurants.

    來自三間不同的餐廳。

  • And I shoved a menu down my pants.

    我還塞了一份菜單到我的褲子裡。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,

    我只是想要一些紀念品, 所以當我回家之後,

  • I could believe it had really happened to me.

    我可以相信這一切 真的曾經發生在我身上過。

  • You know?

    你知道嗎?

  • The three writers I wanted to meet

    我所想會見的三名作家

  • were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.

    是卡羅爾.馬索、琳恩.提爾曼、佩姬.菲蘭。

  • These were not famous, best-selling authors,

    這些並不是有名的暢銷作家,

  • but to me, they were women-writer titans.

    但對我來說,她們是女性作家中的翹楚。

  • Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.

    卡羅爾.馬索寫的書成為了我心目中的藝術聖經。

  • Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe

    琳恩.提爾曼讓我相信

  • that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.

    我的故事有機會成為這個世界的一部分。

  • And Peggy Phelan reminded me

    而佩姬.菲蘭提醒我

  • that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.

    或許我的大腦比我的胸部更重要。

  • They weren't mainstream women writers,

    她們不是主流女性作家,

  • but they were cutting a path through the mainstream

    但是她們用自身故事

  • with their body stories,

    從主流裡另闢蹊徑。

  • I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.

    我喜歡思考, 想要知道流水是如何切出大峽谷的。

  • It nearly killed me with joy

    和這三名超過五十歲的女作家相談——

  • to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.

    這種喜悅感幾乎讓我無法自拔。

  • And the reason it nearly killed me with joy

    而讓我無法自拔的原因是

  • is that I'd never known a joy like that.

    我從不知道有這樣一種喜悅。

  • I'd never been in a room like that.

    我從沒有待在這樣一種房間。

  • My mother never went to college.

    我母親沒有上過大學。

  • And my creative career to that point

    從這一點上來說,我的創作生涯,

  • was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.

    只是個渺小、卑微、胎死腹中的東西。

  • So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.

    所以我幾乎想要死在紐約, 因為那些充滿初體驗的美好夜晚。

  • I was just like, "Kill me now. I'm good. This is beautiful."

    就像是「殺了我吧, 太好了,這實在是太美好了。」

  • Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.

    你們一部分人 會理解接下來發生的事。

  • First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

    首先,他們把我帶到法勒、 斯特勞斯和吉魯的辦公室。

  • Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.

    法勒、斯特勞斯和吉魯 是我的夢想中的出版社。

  • I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O'Connor were published there.

    艾略特的詩集和 弗蘭納里.奧康納的小說都在那裡出版。

  • The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,

    那裡的主編請我坐下 並和我談了許久。

  • trying to convince me I had a book in me

    他試圖說服我寫一本書,

  • about my life as a swimmer.

    有關身為游泳選手的我的人生。

  • You know, like a memoir.

    你知道,就像本回憶錄。

  • The whole time he was talking to me,

    他對我說話的過程中,

  • I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,

    我坐在那,雙手環抱胸前,

  • with my arms crossed over my chest,

    不停傻笑、點頭像個傻瓜。

  • while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.

    然而我並沒有開口說出任何 任何一個字。

  • So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder

    所以到了最後, 他拍了拍我的肩膀,

  • like a swim coach might.

    就像個游泳教練一樣,

  • And he wished me luck

    他祝我好運。

  • and he gave me some free books

    然後他給了我一些免費的書籍,

  • and he showed me out the door.

    指引我從何離開。

  • Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,

    接著,他們將我帶到 W.W.諾頓的辦公室,

  • where I was pretty sure I'd be escorted from the building

    我相當肯定,龐克打扮的我,

  • just for wearing Doc Martens.

    會有人一起陪同前往。

  • But that didn't happen.

    然而這並沒有發生。

  • Being at the Norton offices

    待在諾頓的辦公室裡,

  • felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon

    感覺就像在夜空中伸手觸碰月亮的美好,

  • while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.

    而宇宙中的星星正閃爍著編織我的名字。

  • I mean, that's how big a deal it was to me.

    我的意思是, 這對我來說是多麼了不起的一件事。

  • You get it?

    你能明白嗎?

  • Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,

    他們的主編,卡羅爾.霍克史密斯,

  • leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes

    在我面前傾身, 用明亮、熱烈、犀利的目光,

  • and said, "Well, send me something then, immediately!"

    告訴我: 「馬上把你的一些作品寄給我!」

  • See, now most people, especially TED people,

    看吧,大部分的人 尤其是來到TED這裡的人

  • would have run to the mailbox, right?

    會馬上衝去郵箱,對吧?

  • It took me over a decade to even imagine

    我簡直難以想像把一些我寫的東西

  • putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.

    放入信封再舔一下郵票會是什麼樣子。

  • On the last night,

    在紐約的最後一晚,

  • I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.

    我在全國詩歌社裡 參加了一場讀書會。

  • And at the end of the reading,

    讀書會結束時,

  • Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,

    凱德出版社的凱瑟琳.凱德 和霍伊特與皮卡德著作經紀人

  • walked straight up to me and shook my hand

    徑直地走向我,與我握手,

  • and offered me representation, like, on the spot.

    並且當場提供給我代理權。

  • I stood there and I kind of went deaf.

    我呆立著,突然聾了。

  • Has this ever happened to you?

    你們經歷過這種事嗎?

  • And I almost started crying

    我幾乎要哭出來了。

  • because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,

    因為整個房間的人 穿著都是如此華麗,

  • and all that came out of my mouth was:

    然後從我口中說出的卻是:

  • "I don't know. I have to think about it."

    「我不知道,讓我考慮一下。」

  • And she said, "OK, then," and walked away.

    然後她說了「當然。」 便離開了。

  • All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat ...

    儘管機會之門對我一次次敞開, 我仍舊如鯁在喉,無法說出口……

  • You see, I'm trying to tell you something about people like me.

    你現在知道了, 我在說的是那些和我一樣的人。

  • Misfit people -- we don't always know how to hope or say yes

    異類 - 我們不知道如何期待, 甚至不會開口説一個「好」

  • or choose the big thing,

    也不知道去選擇那些「大好事」。

  • even when it's right in front of us.

    就算那些機會明擺在我們面前。

  • It's a shame we carry.

    這是我們無法擺脫的一種恥辱。

  • It's the shame of wanting something good.

    這是一種想得到美好的東西的恥辱。

  • It's the shame of feeling something good.

    這是一種感受到美好的東西的恥辱。

  • It's the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room

    這是一種,不相信自己能和景仰的人 待在同一個屋簷下的恥辱。

  • with the people we admire.

    這是一種,不相信自己能和景仰的人 待在同一個房間裡的恥辱。

  • If I could, I'd go back and I'd coach myself.

    如果可以, 我想回到過去。

  • I'd be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.

    像那些曾經幫助過我的 五十歲女人一樣,告訴自己,

  • I'd teach myself how to want things,

    我可以去追求想要的東西,

  • how to stand up, how to ask for them.

    我可以向前站出去, 可以要求得到那些屬於我的東西。

  • I'd say, "You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too."

    我會說:「你,對就是你! 你值得站在這裡!」

  • The radiance falls on all of us,

    我們容光煥發,

  • and we are nothing without each other.

    沒有了其他人,我們什麼也不是。

  • Instead, I flew back to Oregon,

    可現實卻是, 我飛回了俄勒岡。

  • and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,

    當我看著雨打在常青樹上時,

  • I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane "feel sorry for yourself."

    我只是試圖喝酒澆愁。

  • I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.

    我會想,如果我是個作家, 我也會是作家中的異類。

  • What I'm saying is,

    我想說的是,

  • I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,

    我沒有簽下任何一個出版書約,

  • without an agent,

    只是隻身一人回到了俄勒岡, 沒有著作經紀人,

  • and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories

    只有滿滿的美好回憶。

  • of having sat so near

    我曾那麼地靠近,

  • the beautiful writers.

    和那些出色的作家站在一起。

  • Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.

    這些回憶, 是我留給自己的唯一獎勵。

  • And yet, at home in the dark,

    然而,當我回到家中的一片黑暗,

  • back in my underwear,

    穿回我的內衣時,

  • I could still hear their voices.

    我仍然聽得到他們的聲音。

  • They said, "Don't listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up

    他們說,「別聽那些想叫你閉嘴的人的話。」

  • or change your story."

    「不要讓他們改變你的故事。」

  • They said, "Give voice to the story only you know how to tell."

    他們說,「把這些故事說出來, 表達只有你知道的這些感受。」

  • They said, "Sometimes telling the story

    他們說,「有時候,能夠改變你的人生的, 只是講述一個故事。」

  • is the thing that saves your life."

    他們說,「有時候,能夠改變你的人生的, 只是講述一個故事。」

  • Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.

    現在,就在你眼前, 我是個五十多歲的女人了。

  • And I'm a writer.

    而我是位作家。

  • And I'm a mother.

    我也是位母親。

  • And I became a teacher.

    然後我又成為了一位老師。

  • Guess who my favorite students are.

    猜猜我最喜愛的學生是誰?

  • Although it didn't happen the day

    雖然這並沒有發生在

  • that dream letter came through my mailbox,

    那封夢幻般的信件 抵達我郵箱的那一天,

  • I did write a memoir,

    我的確寫了本回憶錄,

  • called "The Chronology of Water."

    叫做《似水年華》。

  • In it are the stories of how many times I've had to reinvent a self

    故事內容是關於 我如何從一團糟的人生選擇岔路裡

  • from the ruins of my choices,

    一次次不斷地重生。

  • the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals

    講述的是 有關於我那些表面上糟透了的失敗

  • to something beautiful.

    最終如何奇蹟般通往美好的路途。

  • All I had to do was give voice to the story.

    我所需要做的唯一一件事情 就是把故事說出口,賦予它們生命。

  • There's a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.

    許多文化中 都有一種「追逐夢想」的神話傳說。

  • It's called the hero's journey.

    那可以稱為勇者的旅途。

  • But I prefer a different myth,

    但是, 我更喜歡另外一種神話。

  • that's slightly to the side of that

    一種有別於傳統的、

  • or underneath it.

    不為人知的神話。

  • It's called the misfit's myth.

    那是「異類的傳說」。

  • And it goes like this:

    過程是像這樣子的:

  • even at the moment of your failure,

    就算在你陷落於低谷的失敗中,

  • right then, you are beautiful.

    在那個挫折的當下,你也是耀眼的。

  • You don't know it yet,

    那時的你 或許不會意識到,

  • but you have the ability to reinvent yourself

    無止盡地 試圖絕地重生的你,

  • endlessly.

    也是耀眼的。

  • That's your beauty.

    那是獨屬於你的美。

  • You can be a drunk,

    你可以酗酒,

  • you can be a survivor of abuse,

    你可以從虐待中逃脫,

  • you can be an ex-con,

    你可以有犯罪前科,

  • you can be a homeless person,

    你可以是無家可歸的人,

  • you can lose all your money or your job or your husband

    你可以失去所有財產、工作 或是你的伴侶,

  • or your wife, or the worst thing of all,

    甚至是全天下最糟糕的事情——

  • a child.

    失去了孩子。

  • You can even lose your marbles.

    甚至失去了你最珍貴的東西。

  • You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure

    你可以孤立在失敗的正中心,

  • and still, I'm only here to tell you,

    然而,我在這裡要告訴你,

  • you are so beautiful.

    你如此美好。

  • Your story deserves to be heard,

    你的故事值得被聽見,

  • because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,

    因為你是稀有而獨一無二的,

  • you new species,

    你是與眾不同的。

  • are the only one in the room

    你是這個地方的「唯一」,

  • who can tell the story

    用獨獨屬於你自己的方式 講述你的故事。

  • the way only you would.

    用獨獨屬於你自己的方式 講述你的故事。

  • And I'd be listening.

    而我會用心聆聽。

  • Thank you.

    謝謝。

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,

我知道TED上談論的大多是重要的大事,