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  • While politeness is, of course, always preferable to rudeness.

    禮貌,想當然的,總是比粗魯更討人喜歡

  • There are ways of being polite, that badly miss the mark

    然而,有很多種禮貌卻非如此

  • and can leave us feeling oddly detached and dissatisfied.

    還可能讓我們覺得很疏離和不滿意

  • Picture the person who ends up, despite their best efforts,

    想像一種人,儘管盡了最大的努力,

  • seeming what we can call "coldly polite".

    我們還是稱他們為「冷淡的禮貌」

  • They may be extremely keen to please those they're seeing.

    他們可能非常熱切地要取悅他們正在交涉的人

  • They obey all the rules of etiquette, they offer their guest drinks, ask them questions about their journey,

    他們遵守所有的禮節,提供客人飲料、問他們旅途順不順利、

  • suggest they might want a little more gravy, remark on the interest of a recent prize winning novel.

    建議他們多淋些肉汁、評論一部最近得獎的小說

  • And yet, they never manage to make their hospitality feel either engaging or memorable.

    然而,他們卻始終無法讓他們的殷勤吸引人或令人印象深刻

  • It may be a long time, before another meeting with them is suggested.

    照這個情況看來,可能還要等很久才會有下一次客人來訪了

  • By contrast, there is the person we recognize as a warm, who follows the cold person in the basic principles of politeness,

    相較之下,有一種人是溫暖的,他們和冷淡的人遵循一樣的基本禮貌原則,

  • but manages to add a critical, emotionally comforting ingredient to their manner.

    但在他們的禮節中加入了一些評論的、有感情的慰問成分

  • They might, when we have an evening plan with them, suggest making toasted cheese sandwiches at their place

    他們可能會在有夜晚計畫的時候,提議去他們家裡做烤起司三明治

  • rather than going out to a restaurant.

    而非去餐廳用餐

  • They might chat to us through the bathroom door;

    他們可能會隔著廁所門和我們聊天;

  • put on the songs they loved dancing to when they were fourteen;

    播放他們在14歲的時候喜歡隨之起舞的音樂;

  • plump up a cushion, and slot it behind our back;

    挑一個鬆軟的靠墊,塞在我們背後;

  • confess to feeling intimidated by mutual acquaintance;

    承認對彼此的共同好友感到威脅;

  • bring us a posy of daisies, or a card they made;

    帶給我們一束雛菊或是自己做的卡片;

  • call us up when we're down with a flu and ask how our ears are feeling;

    在我們得流感的時候打電話關心,問我們耳朵感覺如何;

  • mention they like our haircut, and then when we spill something or fart by mistake exclaim

    提到他們喜歡我們的新髮型,或是在我們不小心打翻東西或放屁的時候大叫:

  • "I'm so glad you did that, it is usually me".

    「還好這次是你,通常出糗的都是我」

  • Beneath the difference between the warm and the cold person,

    在溫暖和冷淡的人之間的差異之下,

  • lies a contrasting vision of human nature.

    是人類天性的對比性格

  • Broadly, the cold person is operating with an implicit view that those they are attempting to please

    廣泛地說,冷淡的人固有的觀念是他們想要取悅的對象

  • are creatures endowed only with the highest needs.

    是只有被賦予最高需求的人

  • As a result, all kinds of assumptions are made about them

    想當然爾,所有假設都是從他們的角度出發

  • That they are interested exclusively in so called "serious topics",

    他們只對所謂「認真的主題」有興趣

  • specially art and politics.

    尤其是藝術和政治

  • That they will appreciate a degree of formality in dining and sitting;

    他們欣賞一定程度的用餐和起居禮節;

  • that they will be strong, self-contained and mature enough, never to have any hunger for reassurence or cosiness,

    他們夠堅強、有內涵、成熟,對安全感或舒適感從來沒有任何需求,

  • and that they will be without urgent physical vulnerabilities and drives.

    他們也沒有急迫的生理需求和衝動

  • which might prove deeply offensive if they were mentioned.

    如果提到這些還可能會冒犯到他們

  • These higher beings would, the cold host believes, wins if someone suggested they curl up on the sofa with a blanket

    這些「高人一等」的人類相信,當有人建議他們可以包著毯子窩在沙發上,

  • or handed them a copy of magazine about filmstars when they headed for the bathroom.

    或是要去廁所時遞給他們一本娛樂八卦雜誌時,某種程度代表他們贏了

  • Yet, the warmly polite person is always deeply aware that the stranger irrespective of their status or outward dignity

    然而,溫暖有禮的人總是明白無論什麼地位或看似多有尊嚴的客人,

  • is a highly needy, fragile, confused, appetitive and susceptible creature.

    其實都是有很多需求、脆弱的、困惑的、有歡吃、有感情的生物

  • And they know this about the stranger because they never forget this about themselves.

    他們之所以會知道客人是如此,是因為他們不會忘記自己也是這樣

  • Warmly polite people have much in common with the character Kanga, the tenderly maternal kangaroo in A. A. Milne's "Winnie-the-pooh" books.

    溫暖有禮的人和米爾恩的書「小熊維尼」中溫柔的母親角色─袋鼠媽媽,有很多共通點

  • In one of the stories the little animals are deeply disconcerted by the arrival in the Hundred Acre Wood of Tigger,

    其中一個故事中小動物們困擾於跳跳虎來到百畝森林,

  • who's very big, very loud and bouncy and assertive.

    跳跳虎非常巨大、吵鬧、精力充沛且武斷

  • They treat him with caution and are, we might say, coldly polite.

    他們謹慎地對待他,或我們可以說是─冷淡的禮貌

  • But when Tigger finally meets Kanga, she is immediately warm with him.

    但當跳跳虎終於遇見袋鼠媽媽時,她立刻溫暖的對待他

  • She thinks of him in much the same terms as she does her own child Roo.

    她看待他和看待自己的孩子小荳的方式近乎相同

  • Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness.

    只因為動物體型很大,並不代表牠不想被友善對待

  • "However big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.", says Kanga.

    袋鼠媽媽說:「無論跳跳虎看起來多大,記住他和小荳想得到的友善是一樣的。」

  • In what might be a definition of the essence of the philosophy of warmth.

    這可能是何為溫暖的哲學本質的一種定義

  • Sometimes it is deeply generous to think that another person may be more elevated than us.

    有時候認為其他人比我們更高貴是非常有雅量的

  • Collectively, we've taken this thought very much to heart.

    大家都是一樣的,我們已經深深接受這想法

  • We've internalized distance and learned caution, moving on from the naivety of the small child

    我們已經將人與人的距離內化也學會了謹慎待人,從小孩子時的天真爛漫,

  • who wonders sweetly, when you're sad, if you might like to sniff their grimy blanket.

    還會貼心的想說,當對方傷心時,可能會想要用他們的髒手帕擤鼻子

  • But the warm person knows that however solid and dignified someone appears on the outside,

    但溫暖的人知道無論一個人看起來多堅毅、有尊嚴,

  • behind the scenes there will inevitably be a struggling self.

    在表象下無可避免的是個掙扎的個體

  • Potentially awkward, easily bemused, beset by physical appetites, on the verge of loneliness and frequently in need of nothing more subtle or elevated

    潛藏的笨拙、容易困惑、苦惱於身體慾望、處於孤獨的邊緣、並且時常不需要精緻或高等的東西

  • than a cheese sandwich, a glass of milk and a hug.

    只是需要一個起司三明治、一杯牛奶、和一個擁抱

While politeness is, of course, always preferable to rudeness.

禮貌,想當然的,總是比粗魯更討人喜歡

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B1 中級 中文 美國腔 冷淡 跳跳虎 溫暖 禮貌 禮節 袋鼠

【The School of Life】如何當個溫暖的人 (How to be Warm)

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    劉建平   發佈於 2017 年 06 月 11 日
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