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  • The story of the path to coldness in love is well known:

    眾所皆知 — 愛情中免不了冷卻:

  • we start off full of affection for one another

    剛開始交往時我們往往愛得要死

  • and then, with time, feelings fade.

    漸漸地,感情卻隨著時間變淡

  • We start prioritizing work,

    我們變成以工作為優先

  • we check our phones while they're speaking,

    對方講話時我們卻盯著手機

  • we don't especially want to hear how their day went.

    我們根本不在乎對方今天過得好不好

  • There's a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost:

    關於情感的凍結常有一個理所當然的解釋:

  • that people naturally get bored of one another in the same way as they get bored with everything else:

    人本來就會自然而然地對另一半感到厭倦,就像我們會對其他事物感到無趣一樣

  • the gadget that once seemed so amazing,

    像是曾經覺得很酷的玩意

  • the film they used to love.

    或是以前熱愛過的電影

  • Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.

    這說法認為過度熟悉而漸行漸遠是無法避免的後果

  • But there's another explanation, dark at first,

    不過還有另外一個說法,乍聽之下可能會覺得很負面

  • but in the end, more hopeful.

    但最後反而會覺得豁然開朗

  • The loss of interest isn't either natural, or inevitable.

    興趣的減退既非自然而然,也不是必然的結果

  • The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active -

    無趣是一種更複雜而且活躍的情感

  • It exists, because we felt hurt by, angry with or scared of our partner

    它會存在是因為愛人讓我們感到受傷、生氣或懼怕

  • and because we haven't found a cathartic way to tell ourselves, or them, about it.

    再加上我們沒能夠有條理地告訴自己或他們這種感覺

  • Tuning out isn't inevitable, it's a symptom of disavowed emotional distress,

    開始不理會對方並非無法避免,這是情感無法宣洩所出現的症狀

  • it's a way of coping.

    是為了度過難關而衍生的方法

  • We're internally numbed, not just a touch bored.

    我們是因為心變得麻木,並非只因為覺得無聊

  • This can sound strange, after all we might have no active sense

    這聽起來可能有點怪,畢竟我們可能根本感覺不到

  • that our partner has been hurting, angrying or frightening us.

    我們的愛人正在傷害我們,或是正在讓我們感到生氣害怕

  • The idea appears laughable or extreme;

    這個說法似乎很可笑或是極端

  • it makes our partners sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings,

    好像不是對方是怪獸,就是我們太懦弱不堪

  • neither of which is true.

    但事實並非如此

  • But the self that loves within a relationship is not the normal, adult self we know from other zones of our lives.

    可是那個在感情中付出愛的自我,並不是我們在生活中認識的正常成熟的自我

  • We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.

    平常我們可能很機智有韌性,但在付出感情時卻是極其脆弱

  • We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenceless version of ourselves

    我們應該把這個自我想像成更幼小、更天真、更無力抵抗的版本

  • that lives in our heads and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies,

    它住在我們的腦袋裡,跟嬰兒時期的我們一樣脆弱

  • which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed.

    那也是當我們對愛情的需求和認識成形時

  • It's this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts even if we're 6'2" with a pointy beard.

    是這個脆弱的自我在引導我們的內心,就算你外表是有著大鬍子的男子漢也一樣

  • The loving self has a gossamer thin ego.

    這個愛情自我有著薄如蟬翼的自尊心

  • It gets hurt, frightened and upset with desperate ease.

    它很容易受傷害怕,有著要小心呵護的玻璃心

  • You can deeply distress it by interrupting it during the story it's telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch,

    要是你在它跟你分享午餐吃的三明治時打斷它

  • by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on it's arm yesterday,

    或是沒好好關心它昨天手臂上長的紅疹

  • by preferring a book to cuddling,

    亦或寧可看書也不抱它

  • or being a bit tricky about which channel it should watch on TV.

    還是看電視的時候搶遙控器,都會讓它心煩意亂

  • Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights;

    這些在一般成人眼中當然是芝麻小事

  • but we don't love by adult standards.

    但我們不是用成人的標準在付出愛

  • These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to it's tender, emotional core.

    這些小小的箭靶已經足夠刺傷愛情自我那柔軟又情緒化的內心

  • Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what's happenned,

    最理想的狀態當然是這個小小自我能立刻說明它怎麼了

  • It would carefully explain that it'd been frustrated and hurt,

    它最好能夠仔細的解釋它其實覺得挫折跟受傷

  • it's voice would be measured, undefensive and charming,

    它的語氣最好是拿捏過的,不自我防衛,並且有魅力

  • but mostly it just stays silent.

    可惜多半的時候它只是保持沉默

  • That's forgiveable - it doesn't properly understand what's wrong,

    這可以體諒,因為它並不清楚自己怎麼了

  • it just knows it's in pain

    它只知道它很痛苦

  • and it's driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself

    直覺告訴它要抽身、好保護自己

  • which translates into behaviour that looks pretty cold.

    導致了表現出看起來很冷漠的行為

  • If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self's upset, it could sound and feel absurd,

    如果讓成人的自我代替愛情自我說明為何不開心,結果聽起來可能會很荒謬

  • which is partly why it doesn't.

    這也是為什麼不會被說出口的原因之一

  • There can be something especially humiliating in having to say:

    有些心情硬要說明白的話會讓人覺得很丟臉

  • 'I don't feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break.'

    像是「我覺得你不夠關心我的午餐吃了什麼東西。」

  • or 'I'm 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control'.

    或是「我雖然已經 45 歲了但是我無法分享電視遙控器。」

  • These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on,

    這些小事對成人來說是小鼻子小眼睛

  • but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don't obey the ordinary adult rules.

    但是那個讓自己在愛情中變得脆弱的自我並不走成人路線

  • The consequence is that the loving self dries up, it doesn't want to have sex,

    結果是愛情自我沒感覺了,連愛都不想做了

  • it gets sarcastic and irritable,

    它變得尖酸刻薄又易怒

  • but it doesn't even know why it's like this.

    但它卻根本不知道為什麼自己變成這樣

  • It isn't putting on an act, it's confused.

    它不是在演戲,而是感到困惑

  • To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress

    要學習應付這情形,雙方都需要更清楚明白跟體諒,了解對方敏感和焦慮的緣由

  • and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.

    還要願意在距離產生時去解讀是怎麼一回事

  • We have to create a forum in which so-called minor, love-sucking hurts can safely be aired without the other dismissing,

    我們需要創造一個平台讓我們能安心坦白那些小小的愛情煩惱,而不會被對方置之不理

  • as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.

    因為它們常被視為幼稚舉動或胡思亂想

  • The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life,

    如果用生活中其他更健全的標準來看,要小心翼翼地對待愛情自我很可笑

  • but this is not the rest of life.

    但這不是我們生活中的其他部分

  • When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners,

    就算我們變得漸行漸遠,也不見得是真的不愛了

  • we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them

    我們也許只需要一個機會去明白,我們其實是因為內心受傷在生悶氣

  • and we should have access to a safe forum

    還有我們應該要有個進入安全平台的方法

  • in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation

    在那裡我們可以坦誠不成熟但關鍵的情緒,可以抒發、被理解,而且不用擔心被取笑

The story of the path to coldness in love is well known:

眾所皆知 — 愛情中免不了冷卻:

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B1 中級 中文 英國腔 愛情 成人 脆弱 受傷 遙控器 情感

為何會與愛人漸行漸遠呢 (Why We Go Cold On Our Partners)

  • 82821 5500
    Kristi Yang 發佈於 2017 年 03 月 07 日
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