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So hi, my name is Katerina Vrana,
哈囉,我的名字是 Katerina Vrana
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I am Greek, I live in the UK, I live in London,
我是希臘人,我住在英國倫敦。
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I am stand-up comedian.
我是一位獨角滑稽秀演員
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As far as the power to create goes, I am stand-up comedian.
自從創造力的概念出現後,我就是一位獨角滑稽秀演員
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I've got two brothers, one is 30 the other is 14;
我有兩個哥哥,一個三十歲,另一個十四歲;
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the 30 years old is a drummer and a photographer.
三十歲的那位是位鼓手和攝影師。
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In fact, he is the drummer of the band that's going to be closing
事實上,他是樂隊的鼓手,一個靠近
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TEDThessaloniki this year, TEDx.
薩羅尼加的 TED (Thessaloniki,希臘東北的城市)的地方。
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So our Greek parents are very proud of our professional choices.
所以我們的希臘父母對我們的職涯選擇感到很驕傲
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Like, "Will you ever make money?" "No."
就像是:「那會賺錢嗎?」「不會」
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The 14-year-old wants to be a lawyer.
14歲的那位想當一位律師。
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He is hoping!
他希望!
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So yeah...
所以,好了....
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Oh, and my hair, my hair.
喔!還有我的頭髮,我的頭髮。
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My hair is like this because this is how it is, OK?
我的頭髮會這樣是因為他本來就是這樣,好嗎?
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No discussion about it.
不准討論我的頭髮!
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In Greece, this doesn't stand out that much.
在希臘,他沒有那麼明顯(這麼蓬)。
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It's big, but it's not that extraordinary.
是很大,但沒有那麼特別。
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In the UK, it's become a sightseeing thing.
在英國,就會變成是注目的焦點。
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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People stop me in the street, people touch it without asking me.
人們會在路上把我攔下來,沒有問過我就去觸摸它。
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And then, there's teachers that bring little children out
然後,會有老師把小孩帶離
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of the classrooms and go, "Look, look at the lady who looks like a tree!"
教室然後做出(以下這樣的行為)「快看,看這位看起來像棵樹的女士」
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Is very annoying.
這真的很困擾。
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I've been in the UK now for 10 years;
我已經在英國有十年了,
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oh, and also, I am 100% Greek.
喔,並且,我是個純希臘人。
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I was born here, I was raised here, both my parents are Greek,
我出生在這裡,我在這裡長大,我的雙親都是希臘人,
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my whole family lives here.
我整個家庭都住在這裡。
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I have no idea why I speak English like this.
我也不知道為什麼我的英文會講的像這樣。
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Absolutely none! It's a fluke.
當然不!這只是一個僥倖。
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The rest of my family doesn't speak English like this,
我大部分的家人講的英文都不是這樣,
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they speak like proper Greek people.
他們說的就像是完完全全的希臘人。
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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So I asked my mum, I said,
所以我就問我媽,我說
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"How come when I speak English I sound awesome?
「為什麼當我說英文時,我聽起來很屌(如此的英國腔)?
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And the rest of the family sounds like bloody foreigners."
然後我其他的家人聽起來卻像是個完全的外國人。」
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And my mum went,
然後我媽這樣回應,
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"Ah, darling, when you were born, you were so very, very ugly!"
「啊,親愛的,當你出生的時候,你超級超級醜!」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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Don't clap that!
別為此鼓掌!
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You bastards!
沒禮貌!
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And she went,
然後她說,
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Your father and I thought, "This one will need personality, and language helps.
你爸和我想說「這個孩子可能需要有個性一點,學習語言會有幫助。
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I wanted French and maybe piano, your father wanted English."
我希望是法文,或者是鋼琴,但你爸希望是英文。」
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"Yes Katerina, I wanted English," - that is my father -
「是的,Katerina,我希望是英文。」這就是我爸
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"I will tell you why: because British royalty marries very ugly women.
「讓我告訴你為什麼:因為英國皇室會娶很醜的女生。」
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Go!"
快去學英文!」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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No! No. William is already married, and Harry has very red hair.
才不呢!威廉已經結婚了,然後哈利有非常紅的頭髮。
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And I haven't got anything against red hair, right?
我沒有什麼力場能紅頭髮有意見(我自己就有著爆炸頭),對吧?
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It's because I would totally have the sex with Harry.
就只是因為我一定會跟哈利做愛。
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I am telling you this now.
我是認真的啊
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I just, I wouldn't do it in the sun, I'd do it in the shade.
我只是,我無法在光天化日下做,我會想要低調一些
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Do you know what I mean?
你們知道我在說什麼嗎?
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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If you have sex with Harry in the sun, he'll explode, "Aaa!"
如果你在大太陽底下跟哈利做愛,他會曝光的。啊啊啊啊!
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It's not a good idea!
這不是個好主意!
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So, having lived in London--
所以,在倫敦生活---
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The thing is that I've been living in London as I said, for about a decade,
就像我說的,我已經在倫敦生活了近十年,
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and what's happened is, over there I feel definitely Greek,
而情況是,在英國我就是個完全的希臘人,
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but what happens is when I come back home
但是,當我回到家的時候
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there's been a bit of a shift in my identity, and suddenly,
我對我是希臘人的自我認同卻有些許改觀
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I find myself saying things like,
突然我發現我會像這樣說
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"Why can't the Greeks form orderly queues? God damn it!"
「為什麼希臘人就無法好好排隊呢?我的老天!」
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I am trying to balance out the things to not feel foreign in two countries.
我試著在兩者之間去平衡,不要在兩個國家中覺得自己哪裡都部屬於
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One of the things I've really come to find endearing about the British,
我發現英國很可愛的其中一件事是
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for example, is how they get angry.
他們是怎麼生氣的
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They don't!
他們不會生氣!
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When a British person gets angry, they write you a strongly-worded letter,
當一個英國人生氣時,他們會給你寫一封嚴厲譴責的信,
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"Dear Sir..., regret to inform..., ... most upset!"
「親愛的先生...很遺憾的我必須要告訴你.....最糟糕的!」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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An English friend of mine was in a train.
有一次我的一位英國朋友搭火車
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The train got stuck, they stopped in the middle of nowhere between two stations,
火車停了下來,停在兩站之間一個什麼都沒有的地方
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and they left them there for an hour and a half;
然後就讓他們在那裏乾等一個半小時
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they didn't explain why, they just kept apologizing.
他們沒有解釋火車為什麼停下來,他們只是不停道歉
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My friend's telling me this story said, "Katerina, I was so angry, I was livid.
我朋友跟我說的這個故事是要表達:「Katerina,我很生氣,我面色鐵青。
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I was so livid, I was tempted to complain!"
我臉色超級臭,我被搞的要抱怨了!
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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I was like, "What?!"
我無解地回答:「啥?」
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(Applause)
(鼓掌)
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I said, "In Greece,
我說,「在希臘,
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there is no strongly-worded letter, there wouldn't have been a train."
那裡沒有時麼遣詞嚴厲的信件,也不會有人會待在火車上」
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You keep the Greeks five minutes longer than they need to be anywhere,
你讓希臘人等超過五分鐘,他們一定無法忍受。
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you know, like in the boat at the time of "disembarkation"
你知道的,就像是船要靠岸的時候
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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you keep the Greeks inside that boat,
你要讓希臘人待在船上
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and it's like, "What? What you keep us here like animals, like animals?
那就會像是「啥?你要把我們像動物一樣關在這,我們是動物?
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You call this an European country? This is not Europe, I don't understand!"
你說這是一個歐洲國家?這不是歐洲,我不懂」
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(Laughter) (Applause)
(笑聲)(鼓掌)
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Wait, there is so much more!
等等,還有很多例子!
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And then someone always goes,
然後,總有人會這樣做,
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"Where is the manager? I want to speak to the manager!"
「經理在哪裡?我要跟經理說話?」
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"Please sir, please sit down, you are becoming hysterical!"
「抱歉,先生,請你坐下,你變得歇斯底里了!」
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"Who are you to tell me what to do? Who are you?"
「你誰呀?憑什麼跟我說要做什麼?你是誰?」
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"Screw you!" "I screw your mother!"
「管好你!」「我管你媽!」
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Wow!
哇!
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It takes five seconds to escalate that level.
只要五分鐘場面就會昇華成這樣
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And also, as far as that goes,
而且他們也會越來越超過
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the "Screw your mother!" It makes no sense!
「管你媽!」其實沒有什麼意思!
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Like, "I screw your mother!" "No, really?"
就像是「我管你媽!」「痾,你認真嗎?」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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What a coincidence!
好巧呀!
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Of all the boats in all of Attiki, you walk into mine!
在整個 Attiki 的所有船隻,你向我走來!
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The son of whose mother you are screwing, and it is...
被你管的那個媽的兒子,他是...
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Hello, Yannis, the son.
哈囉,Yannis,兒子。
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The lady who you're having carnal relations with.
跟你有肉體關係的女性
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What a-- A pleasure to meet you!
多麼的~~歡迎你!
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This kind of-- also, right?
這一類的---也,是吧?
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No one you ever want to say it to you ever does, right?
你想要這樣跟你說的人,永遠都不會這樣說的,沒錯吧?
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Because if Bill Gates comes up to me and goes, "I screw your mother."
因為如果比爾蓋茲向我走來,並且說「我跟你媽做了」
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I'll be like, "Daddy...! You're home!"
我會像這樣「爹地...!你回來了!」
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"And will all be going to Cannes, on my jet."
「然後我就會坐在我私人噴射機上飛到坎城」
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So I wish the Greeks would temper their rage
所以我希望希臘人可以調整他們的脾氣
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that immediate "Mmm!" that happens.
調整那「痾」之後接下而來的暴怒
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I don't expect them to become like the English, no,
我不指望他們變得像是英國人,不。
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"Dear Sir..., I regret to inform..., I screwed your mother."
「親愛的......先生,我很抱歉要告知你.....我跟你媽做了。」
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just a little bit more of a thing...
還有一件事
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Also, the other thing I've really come to enjoy about the UK,
另一件讓我真正享受在英國生活的事
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and I know this is weird for a Greek person, is the weather.
我知道這對一個希臘人說很奇怪,那就是英國的天氣
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I know, I know, I know, I know!
我知道,我知道,我知道,我知道!
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Oh, one person going, "Yes! You tell them! It rains!"
喔!有人說「對!你提到了!下雨!」
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The thing is I keep trying to explain to the British
我一直嘗試向英國人解釋
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that everywhere else in the world,
世界上的每個地方
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clouds are functional rather than an aesthetic choice.
雲朵其實是有功用的,而不是一種美感
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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In the UK, the clouds arriving, just go, "Hi, we are here.
在英國,當雲出現的時候,就會說「嗨,我們在這裡。
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We're going to just sit here, maybe a bit lower, do nothing, hi."
我們會乖乖地待在這裡,或許會在靠近你們一點點,但是我們什麼都不做,嗨~」
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In other countries, when the clouds arrive,
在其他國家,當雲層出現的時候
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it's going to rain and the heaven is open, water pours down,
他會下雨,然後天堂打開,雨水傾盆而下
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water so thick you cannot see through it.
水超多以至於你無法看穿他。
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So it's like, "Where is my Tzatziki?" "Behind the rain? Who knows?"
所以他就像「我的 Tzatziki 在哪裡?」、「在雨幕之後?誰知道呢?」
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That lasts for two hours, then stops, the sun comes out, and we forget about it.
持續暴雨兩小時,雨停了後,太陽出來了,我們習以為常
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In the UK, the same amount of water, takes 24 hours to come down.
在英國,同樣的雨量,可以下 24 小時
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Because in the UK, rain is that really soft mist,
因為在英國下得都是毛毛雨啊
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it's like a cat spraying your tent to show it's its territory,
就像是貓撒尿在你的帳棚以宣示這是牠的領土
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you know what I mean?
你知道我在說什麼嗎?
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It's a very gentle thing. It's a tipi-tap, it's called drizzle,
這是個很紳士的事情。這是 tipi-tap,我們稱為毛毛雨
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and that's what I've come to love
這也是我為何會愛上英國天氣的原因
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because drizzle is rain being quintessentially British, right?
因為毛毛細雨即是典型的英國,是吧?
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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It's rain going, "I'm terribly sorry, I'm coming down,
就像是雨對你說著「我很抱歉,我要下來了唷
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I don't need to be in the way, I'm just going to came around you,
我不會擋在你前面,我只是想要走過你身邊
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I won't get anyone wet, I promise, just pretend I am not here.
我不會讓任何人濕了,我保證,假裝我不在這裡就好
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Shh, no, no! Everyone's gonna know I am here! You are not-- Missing the point...
噓,噓,不!大家都會知道我在這裡!你沒有錯過著重點
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I don't-- Did I get you wet?
我沒有--我淋濕你了嗎?
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How clumsy of me! I do apologize. I didn't mean to do that,
我多麼的不雅呀!我道歉,這不是我的本意
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I'm just going to come over here, I'll be gone in 5 minutes. I promise!
我只是短暫經過這。我五分鐘後就會走,我保證!
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I am so sorry, I do apologize. 24 hours, and I am still here,
我很抱歉,我道歉,24小時了,而我還在這裡
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It's getting awkward now, isn't it? I don't mean to be doing this.
現在這變得很尷尬了,不是嗎?我不是有意這樣的
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I'm going to be go. Really.. I'm so sorry. Really, don't-- I am just going--
我要走了。真的。我很抱歉,真的,不要---我只是要走了---
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I am the Hugh Grant of moisture."
我得濕度就跟 Hugh Grant 一樣紳士
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And my hair absorbs moisture! So whenever it drizzles my hair goes pfff!
且我的頭髮吸濕!所以只要下毛毛雨,我的頭髮就會 噗~~(爆炸了?)
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And a mile radius around me stays completely dry.
而且我的半徑一哩內完全保持乾燥!
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And I look like I've all of the Jackson 4 on my head.
然後我看起來就像是把 傑克森五人組的頭髮(爆炸頭) 都戴在我的頭上
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Because he is dead!
因為他是死的!
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The thing is that I am in the UK;
事實就是我在英國
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well, I went in the UK to act.
嗯,當我去英國演戲
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And that's when I discovered that I am not Greek enough
就在那時我才發現我還不夠希臘人
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because I used to be sent up for auditions for Greek and Mediterranean parts,
因為我總是去試鏡那些和希臘或地中海有關的戲劇
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only to be told that I don't look Greek enough.
但每次都被回絕因為我長得不夠像希臘人
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I'll translate that for you;
讓我解譯給你聽
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it means that I don't have a mono-brow and a mustache,
這是指說我沒有單眉毛跟鬍子。
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because Irini Papa has cast a very long shadow.
因為 Irini 爸爸有很長的影子
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I usually got feedback,
我常常得到的回覆是:
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"We are looking for someone who looks like Salma Hayek."
「我們在找某個像 Salma Hayek 的人」
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She is Mexican!
她是個墨西哥人!
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So I went up for casting for the movie "Troy";
然後我去試鏡電影「特洛伊」
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Do we remember? The movie "Troy"?
大家還記得嗎?電影「特洛伊」?
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So I went up for one of the small parts,
我去試鏡了一個小角色
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one of the slave girls that had only one line.
其中一個是只有一句台詞的奴隸女孩中
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And my line was, "More chicken, my Lord?"
而我的台詞是「我的主人,需要更多雞肉嗎?」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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And I did that really well,
而我真的做的不錯
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so I ended up in the final five,
最後我進到最終的五人選角
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and they line us up, and the casting director comes in,
然後他們叫我們排排站,選角負責人走過來
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and goes, "Oh, no, no, no, no. You're too fair to be Greek!"
對我說「喔!不不不不,妳太漂亮了不能演希臘人!」
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I said, "Who? What now...?"
我說,「誰?現在是什麼情況....?」
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"You're too fair to be Greek!"
「妳太漂亮了不能演希臘人!」
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I was like, "I am too fair to be Greek? I am the only Greek in the room!"
我傻眼,想著「我太漂亮了所以不能演希臘人?拜託我是這房間裡唯一的希臘人!」
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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I am too fair to be Greek in a movie where the Greek warrior Achilles,
在一部關於希臘戰神阿基里斯的電影中,我因為太漂亮了不能演希臘人
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is played by Brad freaking Pitt!
重點是這部片還由布萊德彼特飾演!
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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I'm too fair to be Greek?!
太漂亮了所以不能演希臘人!?!
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I didn't get the part.
你在跟我開玩笑吧
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An Albanian girl got it.
最後一個阿爾巴尼亞女孩得到這個角色
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Go over there, take our jobs.
到那裏去,拿了我們的工作。
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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Where is Kaplani?
Kaplani 在哪裡?
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But even, I mean, acting and comedy are just steps
但即使,我是說,動作片跟喜劇都只是
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for my final twelve-step-plan for global domination!
通往我統治世界最終十二階段計畫的步驟而已
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I'll find the pose, it'll be better than this, I promise!
我會找到我的立足點,會比這還好,我保證!
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Because you know, I think I'm Greek, we did it before I can do it again.
因為你知道的,我覺得我很希臘,之前我們做到了,我可以再做一次
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Bring it on!
把角色弄到手!
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I think the world will be lovely place if everyone listens to me.
我覺得如果每個人都聽我的話,世界就可以變成美麗的地方
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It's going to be a little bit like Hitler,
這會有點像是希特勒,
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with less genocide, more hair, and really good shoes!
但是少一點種族屠殺,有更多頭髮跟真正好的鞋子!
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So more like Dubai.
倒更像是杜拜
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I am going to wear a crown and a robe, tell people what to do and they'll do it,
我將帶上皇冠並披上長袍,告訴人們要做什麼然後他們會做到
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it's going to be lovely!
會變得很美麗
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I've recently realized
我最近才意識到
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I'll probably end up looking like a kindergarten teacher
我最後可能會像個幼稚園老師
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trying to manage an unruly classroom,
嘗試管理一個失控的教室
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so I'll turn up in a crown and a robe looking a bit stupid,
所以我帶上皇冠披上袍子,看起來有點蠢
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making grandiose announcements like, "Hello! I am Katerina Vrana, hello!
做很偉大的宣示,像是「哈囉,我是Katerina Vrana,哈囉!
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I am going to be your global dominator for the foreseeable future!"
我將成為你可預見的未來的世界統治者!」
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Please lay all gifts by my-- What is it, Thailand?
請留下所有的貢品,放在我--那啥,泰國?
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Yes, Thailand, you may massage my feet. You are very good.
是的,泰國,你可以按摩我的腳。你很棒
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Israel, Palestine, be quiet! They don't shut up.
以色列,巴勒斯坦,安靜一點!他們超吵
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Somalia darling, why are you dressed up as a pirate?
親愛的索馬尼亞,為什麼你要穿得像是個海盜?
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No, that's slightly inappropriate. What...? Well done, America.
不,那有點不恰當。什麼...?幹的好,美國
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Everyone, America has done a drawing.
各位,美國已經畫好了一張圖
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Yes, dear. No, we can all see, yes! The black man is in the white house!
是的,親愛的。不,我們全都能看到,是的!黑人在白宮
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And he's still alive. Hasn't America done well, everyone?
而且他還活著。各位,難道美國做的不好嗎?
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OK, now darling stop drawing and and look to your sums,
好了,親愛的,現在停止畫圖並看看你的總額,
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because the numbers are all wrong.
這數字全是錯的
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England! Stop copying from America!
英國!不要再抄美國了!
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You're old enough to know better.
你已經夠老到該比美國聰明
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Greece, you're making me look really bad!
希臘,你讓我很丟臉!
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I don't know-- Palestine, I don't care who started it.
我不知道--巴勒斯坦,我不在乎誰先開始的
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Israel, give Palestine her Gaza back, now!
以色列,把加薩還給巴勒斯坦吧!
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The two of you, learn to share!
你們兩個,學著分享吧!
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Iran, put the stone down!
伊朗,把石頭放下!
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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No my love, that's not democracy, no dear...
不,我的愛,那不是民主,不,親愛的...
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I know, I am Greek, I gave it to you!
我知道,我是希臘人,我把它給你!
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(Laughter)
(希臘人)
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Bloody Persians. And what's that in your mouth?
血緣兄弟波斯。你在吃啥?
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Spit it out, spit...
吐出來,快吐...
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Who gave uranium to Iran?
誰把鈾給了伊朗?
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(Laughter)
(笑聲)
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You know they don't know what to do with it.
你明知道他們不知道該怎麼弄這個
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I just... I don't...
我只是...我不要...
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(Applause)
(鼓掌)
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OK, Italy! Italy, tell your dad
好的,義大利!義大利,告訴你爸
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to stop playing with the little girls in the class.
停止在課堂上跟小女孩們玩耍
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What's that? Cyprus, I don