I am Greek, I live in the UK, I live in London,

我是希臘人，我住在英國倫敦。

I am stand-up comedian.

我是一位獨角滑稽秀演員

As far as the power to create goes, I am stand-up comedian.

自從創造力的概念出現後，我就是一位獨角滑稽秀演員

I've got two brothers, one is 30 the other is 14;

我有兩個哥哥，一個三十歲，另一個十四歲；

the 30 years old is a drummer and a photographer.

三十歲的那位是位鼓手和攝影師。

In fact, he is the drummer of the band that's going to be closing

事實上，他是樂隊的鼓手，一個靠近

TEDThessaloniki this year, TEDx.

薩羅尼加的 TED (Thessaloniki，希臘東北的城市)的地方。

So our Greek parents are very proud of our professional choices.

所以我們的希臘父母對我們的職涯選擇感到很驕傲

Like, "Will you ever make money?" "No."

就像是：「那會賺錢嗎？」「不會」

The 14-year-old wants to be a lawyer.

14歲的那位想當一位律師。

He is hoping!

他希望！

So yeah...

所以，好了....

Oh, and my hair, my hair.

喔！還有我的頭髮，我的頭髮。

My hair is like this because this is how it is, OK?

我的頭髮會這樣是因為他本來就是這樣，好嗎？

No discussion about it.

不准討論我的頭髮！

In Greece, this doesn't stand out that much.

在希臘，他沒有那麼明顯（這麼蓬）。

It's big, but it's not that extraordinary.

是很大，但沒有那麼特別。

In the UK, it's become a sightseeing thing.

在英國，就會變成是注目的焦點。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

People stop me in the street, people touch it without asking me.

人們會在路上把我攔下來，沒有問過我就去觸摸它。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And then, there's teachers that bring little children out

然後，會有老師把小孩帶離

of the classrooms and go, "Look, look at the lady who looks like a tree!"

教室然後做出（以下這樣的行為）「快看，看這位看起來像棵樹的女士」

Is very annoying.

這真的很困擾。

I've been in the UK now for 10 years;

我已經在英國有十年了，

oh, and also, I am 100% Greek.

喔，並且，我是個純希臘人。

I was born here, I was raised here, both my parents are Greek,

我出生在這裡，我在這裡長大，我的雙親都是希臘人，

my whole family lives here.

我整個家庭都住在這裡。

I have no idea why I speak English like this.

我也不知道為什麼我的英文會講的像這樣。

Absolutely none! It's a fluke.

當然不！這只是一個僥倖。

The rest of my family doesn't speak English like this,

我大部分的家人講的英文都不是這樣，

they speak like proper Greek people.

他們說的就像是完完全全的希臘人。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So I asked my mum, I said,

所以我就問我媽，我說

"How come when I speak English I sound awesome?

「為什麼當我說英文時，我聽起來很屌（如此的英國腔）？

And the rest of the family sounds like bloody foreigners."

然後我其他的家人聽起來卻像是個完全的外國人。」

And my mum went,

然後我媽這樣回應，

"Ah, darling, when you were born, you were so very, very ugly!"

「啊，親愛的，當你出生的時候，你超級超級醜！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Don't clap that!

別為此鼓掌！

You bastards!

沒禮貌！

And she went,

然後她說，

Your father and I thought, "This one will need personality, and language helps.

你爸和我想說「這個孩子可能需要有個性一點，學習語言會有幫助。

I wanted French and maybe piano, your father wanted English."

我希望是法文，或者是鋼琴，但你爸希望是英文。」

"Yes Katerina, I wanted English," - that is my father -

「是的，Katerina，我希望是英文。」這就是我爸

"I will tell you why: because British royalty marries very ugly women.

「讓我告訴你為什麼：因為英國皇室會娶很醜的女生。」

Go!"

快去學英文！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲）

No! No. William is already married, and Harry has very red hair.

才不呢！威廉已經結婚了，然後哈利有非常紅的頭髮。

And I haven't got anything against red hair, right?

我沒有什麼力場能紅頭髮有意見（我自己就有著爆炸頭），對吧？

It's because I would totally have the sex with Harry.

就只是因為我一定會跟哈利做愛。

I am telling you this now.

我是認真的啊

I just, I wouldn't do it in the sun, I'd do it in the shade.

我只是，我無法在光天化日下做，我會想要低調一些

Do you know what I mean?

你們知道我在說什麼嗎？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

If you have sex with Harry in the sun, he'll explode, "Aaa!"

如果你在大太陽底下跟哈利做愛，他會曝光的。啊啊啊啊！

It's not a good idea!

這不是個好主意！

So, having lived in London--

所以，在倫敦生活－－－

The thing is that I've been living in London as I said, for about a decade,

就像我說的，我已經在倫敦生活了近十年，

and what's happened is, over there I feel definitely Greek,

而情況是，在英國我就是個完全的希臘人，

but what happens is when I come back home

但是，當我回到家的時候

there's been a bit of a shift in my identity, and suddenly,

我對我是希臘人的自我認同卻有些許改觀

I find myself saying things like,

突然我發現我會像這樣說

"Why can't the Greeks form orderly queues? God damn it!"

「為什麼希臘人就無法好好排隊呢？我的老天！」

I am trying to balance out the things to not feel foreign in two countries.

我試著在兩者之間去平衡，不要在兩個國家中覺得自己哪裡都部屬於

One of the things I've really come to find endearing about the British,

我發現英國很可愛的其中一件事是

for example, is how they get angry.

他們是怎麼生氣的

They don't!

他們不會生氣！

When a British person gets angry, they write you a strongly-worded letter,

當一個英國人生氣時，他們會給你寫一封嚴厲譴責的信，

"Dear Sir..., regret to inform..., ... most upset!"

「親愛的先生...很遺憾的我必須要告訴你.....最糟糕的！」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

An English friend of mine was in a train.

有一次我的一位英國朋友搭火車

The train got stuck, they stopped in the middle of nowhere between two stations,

火車停了下來，停在兩站之間一個什麼都沒有的地方

and they left them there for an hour and a half;

然後就讓他們在那裏乾等一個半小時

they didn't explain why, they just kept apologizing.

他們沒有解釋火車為什麼停下來，他們只是不停道歉

My friend's telling me this story said, "Katerina, I was so angry, I was livid.

我朋友跟我說的這個故事是要表達：「Katerina，我很生氣，我面色鐵青。

I was so livid, I was tempted to complain!"

我臉色超級臭，我被搞的要抱怨了！

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I was like, "What?!"

我無解地回答：「啥？」

(Applause)

(鼓掌)

I said, "In Greece,

我說，「在希臘，

there is no strongly-worded letter, there wouldn't have been a train."

那裡沒有時麼遣詞嚴厲的信件，也不會有人會待在火車上」

You keep the Greeks five minutes longer than they need to be anywhere,

你讓希臘人等超過五分鐘，他們一定無法忍受。

you know, like in the boat at the time of "disembarkation"

你知道的，就像是船要靠岸的時候

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

you keep the Greeks inside that boat,

你要讓希臘人待在船上

and it's like, "What? What you keep us here like animals, like animals?

那就會像是「啥？你要把我們像動物一樣關在這，我們是動物？

You call this an European country? This is not Europe, I don't understand!"

你說這是一個歐洲國家？這不是歐洲，我不懂」

(Laughter) (Applause)

(笑聲)（鼓掌）

Wait, there is so much more!

等等，還有很多例子！

And then someone always goes,

然後，總有人會這樣做，

"Where is the manager? I want to speak to the manager!"

「經理在哪裡？我要跟經理說話？」

"Please sir, please sit down, you are becoming hysterical!"

「抱歉，先生，請你坐下，你變得歇斯底里了！」

"Who are you to tell me what to do? Who are you?"

「你誰呀？憑什麼跟我說要做什麼？你是誰？」

"Screw you!" "I screw your mother!"

「管好你！」「我管你媽！」

Wow!

哇!

It takes five seconds to escalate that level.

只要五分鐘場面就會昇華成這樣

And also, as far as that goes,

而且他們也會越來越超過

the "Screw your mother!" It makes no sense!

「管你媽！」其實沒有什麼意思！

Like, "I screw your mother!" "No, really?"

就像是「我管你媽！」「痾，你認真嗎？」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

What a coincidence!

好巧呀！

Of all the boats in all of Attiki, you walk into mine!

在整個 Attiki 的所有船隻，你向我走來！

The son of whose mother you are screwing, and it is...

被你管的那個媽的兒子，他是...

Hello, Yannis, the son.

哈囉，Yannis，兒子。

The lady who you're having carnal relations with.

跟你有肉體關係的女性

What a-- A pleasure to meet you!

多麼的～～歡迎你！

This kind of-- also, right?

這一類的－－－也，是吧？

No one you ever want to say it to you ever does, right?

你想要這樣跟你說的人，永遠都不會這樣說的，沒錯吧？

Because if Bill Gates comes up to me and goes, "I screw your mother."

因為如果比爾蓋茲向我走來，並且說「我跟你媽做了」

I'll be like, "Daddy...! You're home!"

我會像這樣「爹地...！你回來了！」

"And will all be going to Cannes, on my jet."

「然後我就會坐在我私人噴射機上飛到坎城」

So I wish the Greeks would temper their rage

所以我希望希臘人可以調整他們的脾氣

that immediate "Mmm!" that happens.

調整那「痾」之後接下而來的暴怒

I don't expect them to become like the English, no,

我不指望他們變得像是英國人，不。

"Dear Sir..., I regret to inform..., I screwed your mother."

「親愛的......先生，我很抱歉要告知你.....我跟你媽做了。」

just a little bit more of a thing...

還有一件事

Also, the other thing I've really come to enjoy about the UK,

另一件讓我真正享受在英國生活的事

and I know this is weird for a Greek person, is the weather.

我知道這對一個希臘人說很奇怪，那就是英國的天氣

I know, I know, I know, I know!

我知道，我知道，我知道，我知道！

Oh, one person going, "Yes! You tell them! It rains!"

喔！有人說「對！你提到了！下雨！」

The thing is I keep trying to explain to the British

我一直嘗試向英國人解釋

that everywhere else in the world,

世界上的每個地方

clouds are functional rather than an aesthetic choice.

雲朵其實是有功用的，而不是一種美感

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

In the UK, the clouds arriving, just go, "Hi, we are here.

在英國，當雲出現的時候，就會說「嗨，我們在這裡。

We're going to just sit here, maybe a bit lower, do nothing, hi."

我們會乖乖地待在這裡，或許會在靠近你們一點點，但是我們什麼都不做，嗨～」

In other countries, when the clouds arrive,

在其他國家，當雲層出現的時候

it's going to rain and the heaven is open, water pours down,

他會下雨，然後天堂打開，雨水傾盆而下

water so thick you cannot see through it.

水超多以至於你無法看穿他。

So it's like, "Where is my Tzatziki?" "Behind the rain? Who knows?"

所以他就像「我的 Tzatziki 在哪裡？」、「在雨幕之後？誰知道呢？」

That lasts for two hours, then stops, the sun comes out, and we forget about it.

持續暴雨兩小時，雨停了後，太陽出來了，我們習以為常

In the UK, the same amount of water, takes 24 hours to come down.

在英國，同樣的雨量，可以下 24 小時

Because in the UK, rain is that really soft mist,

因為在英國下得都是毛毛雨啊

it's like a cat spraying your tent to show it's its territory,

就像是貓撒尿在你的帳棚以宣示這是牠的領土

you know what I mean?

你知道我在說什麼嗎？

It's a very gentle thing. It's a tipi-tap, it's called drizzle,

這是個很紳士的事情。這是 tipi-tap，我們稱為毛毛雨

and that's what I've come to love

這也是我為何會愛上英國天氣的原因

because drizzle is rain being quintessentially British, right?

因為毛毛細雨即是典型的英國，是吧？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

It's rain going, "I'm terribly sorry, I'm coming down,

就像是雨對你說著「我很抱歉，我要下來了唷

I don't need to be in the way, I'm just going to came around you,

我不會擋在你前面，我只是想要走過你身邊

I won't get anyone wet, I promise, just pretend I am not here.

我不會讓任何人濕了，我保證，假裝我不在這裡就好

Shh, no, no! Everyone's gonna know I am here! You are not-- Missing the point...

噓，噓，不！大家都會知道我在這裡！你沒有錯過著重點

I don't-- Did I get you wet?

我沒有－－我淋濕你了嗎？

How clumsy of me! I do apologize. I didn't mean to do that,

我多麼的不雅呀！我道歉，這不是我的本意

I'm just going to come over here, I'll be gone in 5 minutes. I promise!

我只是短暫經過這。我五分鐘後就會走，我保證！

I am so sorry, I do apologize. 24 hours, and I am still here,

我很抱歉，我道歉，24小時了，而我還在這裡

It's getting awkward now, isn't it? I don't mean to be doing this.

現在這變得很尷尬了，不是嗎？我不是有意這樣的

I'm going to be go. Really.. I'm so sorry. Really, don't-- I am just going--

我要走了。真的。我很抱歉，真的，不要－－－我只是要走了－－－

I am the Hugh Grant of moisture."

我得濕度就跟 Hugh Grant 一樣紳士

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And my hair absorbs moisture! So whenever it drizzles my hair goes pfff!

且我的頭髮吸濕！所以只要下毛毛雨，我的頭髮就會 噗～～（爆炸了？）

And a mile radius around me stays completely dry.

而且我的半徑一哩內完全保持乾燥！

And I look like I've all of the Jackson 4 on my head.

然後我看起來就像是把 傑克森五人組的頭髮（爆炸頭） 都戴在我的頭上

Because he is dead!

因為他是死的！

The thing is that I am in the UK;

事實就是我在英國

well, I went in the UK to act.

嗯，當我去英國演戲

And that's when I discovered that I am not Greek enough

就在那時我才發現我還不夠希臘人

because I used to be sent up for auditions for Greek and Mediterranean parts,

因為我總是去試鏡那些和希臘或地中海有關的戲劇

only to be told that I don't look Greek enough.

但每次都被回絕因為我長得不夠像希臘人

I'll translate that for you;

讓我解譯給你聽

it means that I don't have a mono-brow and a mustache,

這是指說我沒有單眉毛跟鬍子。

because Irini Papa has cast a very long shadow.

因為 Irini 爸爸有很長的影子

I usually got feedback,

我常常得到的回覆是：

"We are looking for someone who looks like Salma Hayek."

「我們在找某個像 Salma Hayek 的人」

She is Mexican!

她是個墨西哥人！

So I went up for casting for the movie "Troy";

然後我去試鏡電影「特洛伊」

Do we remember? The movie "Troy"?

大家還記得嗎？電影「特洛伊」？

So I went up for one of the small parts,

我去試鏡了一個小角色

one of the slave girls that had only one line.

其中一個是只有一句台詞的奴隸女孩中

And my line was, "More chicken, my Lord?"

而我的台詞是「我的主人，需要更多雞肉嗎？」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

And I did that really well,

而我真的做的不錯

so I ended up in the final five,

最後我進到最終的五人選角

and they line us up, and the casting director comes in,

然後他們叫我們排排站，選角負責人走過來

and goes, "Oh, no, no, no, no. You're too fair to be Greek!"

對我說「喔！不不不不，妳太漂亮了不能演希臘人！」

I said, "Who? What now...?"

我說，「誰？現在是什麼情況....？」

"You're too fair to be Greek!"

「妳太漂亮了不能演希臘人！」

I was like, "I am too fair to be Greek? I am the only Greek in the room!"

我傻眼，想著「我太漂亮了所以不能演希臘人？拜託我是這房間裡唯一的希臘人！」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I am too fair to be Greek in a movie where the Greek warrior Achilles,

在一部關於希臘戰神阿基里斯的電影中，我因為太漂亮了不能演希臘人

is played by Brad freaking Pitt!

重點是這部片還由布萊德彼特飾演！

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

I'm too fair to be Greek?!

太漂亮了所以不能演希臘人！？！

I didn't get the part.

你在跟我開玩笑吧

An Albanian girl got it.

最後一個阿爾巴尼亞女孩得到這個角色

Go over there, take our jobs.

到那裏去，拿了我們的工作。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Where is Kaplani?

Kaplani 在哪裡？

But even, I mean, acting and comedy are just steps

但即使，我是說，動作片跟喜劇都只是

for my final twelve-step-plan for global domination!

通往我統治世界最終十二階段計畫的步驟而已

I'll find the pose, it'll be better than this, I promise!

我會找到我的立足點，會比這還好，我保證！

Because you know, I think I'm Greek, we did it before I can do it again.

因為你知道的，我覺得我很希臘，之前我們做到了，我可以再做一次

Bring it on!

把角色弄到手！

I think the world will be lovely place if everyone listens to me.

我覺得如果每個人都聽我的話，世界就可以變成美麗的地方

It's going to be a little bit like Hitler,

這會有點像是希特勒，

with less genocide, more hair, and really good shoes!

但是少一點種族屠殺，有更多頭髮跟真正好的鞋子！

So more like Dubai.

倒更像是杜拜

I am going to wear a crown and a robe, tell people what to do and they'll do it,

我將帶上皇冠並披上長袍，告訴人們要做什麼然後他們會做到

it's going to be lovely!

會變得很美麗

I've recently realized

我最近才意識到

I'll probably end up looking like a kindergarten teacher

我最後可能會像個幼稚園老師

trying to manage an unruly classroom,

嘗試管理一個失控的教室

so I'll turn up in a crown and a robe looking a bit stupid,

所以我帶上皇冠披上袍子，看起來有點蠢

making grandiose announcements like, "Hello! I am Katerina Vrana, hello!

做很偉大的宣示，像是「哈囉，我是Katerina Vrana，哈囉！

I am going to be your global dominator for the foreseeable future!"

我將成為你可預見的未來的世界統治者！」

Please lay all gifts by my-- What is it, Thailand?

請留下所有的貢品，放在我－－那啥，泰國？

Yes, Thailand, you may massage my feet. You are very good.

是的，泰國，你可以按摩我的腳。你很棒

Israel, Palestine, be quiet! They don't shut up.

以色列，巴勒斯坦，安靜一點！他們超吵

Somalia darling, why are you dressed up as a pirate?

親愛的索馬尼亞，為什麼你要穿得像是個海盜？

No, that's slightly inappropriate. What...? Well done, America.

不，那有點不恰當。什麼...？幹的好，美國

Everyone, America has done a drawing.

各位，美國已經畫好了一張圖

Yes, dear. No, we can all see, yes! The black man is in the white house!

是的，親愛的。不，我們全都能看到，是的！黑人在白宮

And he's still alive. Hasn't America done well, everyone?

而且他還活著。各位，難道美國做的不好嗎？

OK, now darling stop drawing and and look to your sums,

好了，親愛的，現在停止畫圖並看看你的總額，

because the numbers are all wrong.

這數字全是錯的

England! Stop copying from America!

英國！不要再抄美國了！

You're old enough to know better.

你已經夠老到該比美國聰明

Greece, you're making me look really bad!

希臘，你讓我很丟臉！

I don't know-- Palestine, I don't care who started it.

我不知道－－巴勒斯坦，我不在乎誰先開始的

Israel, give Palestine her Gaza back, now!

以色列，把加薩還給巴勒斯坦吧！

The two of you, learn to share!

你們兩個，學著分享吧！

Iran, put the stone down!

伊朗，把石頭放下！

(Laughter)

(笑聲）

No my love, that's not democracy, no dear...

不，我的愛，那不是民主，不，親愛的...

I know, I am Greek, I gave it to you!

我知道，我是希臘人，我把它給你！

(Laughter)

(希臘人)

Bloody Persians. And what's that in your mouth?

血緣兄弟波斯。你在吃啥？

Spit it out, spit...

吐出來，快吐...

Who gave uranium to Iran?

誰把鈾給了伊朗？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

You know they don't know what to do with it.

你明知道他們不知道該怎麼弄這個

I just... I don't...

我只是...我不要...

(Applause)

（鼓掌）