My name is Motoki.

我是 Motoki

How you guys doing today?

你們今天好嗎？

I'm great, thanks for not asking.

我很好，謝謝你們的忽略

I just want to take a second and apologize,

我想要花簡短幾秒道個歉

because I think I have a cold, and my voice sounds

因為我覺得我好像感冒了，而且我的聲音現在聽起來

so weird right now, I don't even know, sorry.

非常怪，我甚至不知道 @#[email protected]%⋯抱歉

If you saw my last video or some of my other videos,

如果你有看過我上個影片或是其他的影片

you know that I'm single.

你就會知道我單身

Like, very single.

就是，非常單身

But it's cool, I'm fine with it, no biggie.

但沒差，我很好，沒什麼大不了

You know, I cry myself to sleep sometimes, but whatever.

你知道，我有時候會哭著入睡，但隨便啦

Having been single for a long time, I've been around

我單身很長一段時間，身旁有著

a lot of couples, and you know, done some observing.

很多對情侶，你知道，我做過一些觀察

Some stalking, same thing.

幹過一些跟蹤事，一些同樣的事情

In watching these relationships, I've seen so much

在看了這些戀愛關係後，我見過太多

stupid stuff that makes me not want a relationship.

愚蠢的事情而讓我不想要進入一段關係

Now, don't get me wrong, there are obviously

好，不要誤會了，戀愛關係裡當然有很多

great things about relationships, but there are so many things that ruin it for me.

美好的事情，但就是有太多蠢事讓我無法接受

For example, public displays of affection, a.k.a. PDA

舉例來說，在公眾場合曬恩愛，也就是放閃。

♫ AKA PDA AKA PDA AKA... ♫

放閃、放閃、放閃（自我陶醉）

Okay, chill, chill, chill.

好了，冷靜冷靜

I'll be walking down the hallways at school, and oh look,

我走在學校的走廊上，然後...噢，看哪

couples grinding up on each other against lockers.

情侶靠著儲物櫃卿卿我我

Awesome.

好極了

That also goes out to the lovey dovey flirts

也順帶著在推特跟Instagram上

on Twitter and Instagram.

肉麻的調情

(clears throat) By the way, don't forget to follow me,

（清喉嚨）順帶一提，別忘了追蹤我

user name: @motokimaxted.

我的帳號是@motokimaxted

(clears throat) What?

（清喉嚨）啥？

I don't want to see you couples seducing each other, okay?

我不想要看到你們這些情侶互相色誘彼此，好嗎？（無奈）

You can do it privately.

你們可以私下做

Suppress your hormones.

克制住你們的賀爾蒙（笑）

And they always say the same lame stuff

而且他們總是在每個對話裡

in every single conversation.

說同樣無趣的話

"Oh my god, I love you."

「噢我的天啊，我愛你」

"No bae, I love you so much more."

「不，寶貝我愛你更多」

"Oh, I want you inside me."

「噢，我想要你進到我裡面」

"Uh, what?"

「呃 ，什麼？」

Stop.

停止

Stop that (bleep)!

給我停止那（消音）

I just...(sighs)

我只是

Ugh, you know?

呃，你懂吧？

It's funny, though, when couples think they're madly in love

不過有趣的是，當情侶們認為他們已經轟轟烈烈的愛上彼此

when they've literally been dating for like a week.

但實際上他們只有也才交往一個禮拜而已

Oh yeah, that's love all right.

沒錯啦，那就是愛情啦 (諷刺)

Like, am I getting invited to the wedding or what?

這就像，現在是要邀我參加婚裡還是什麼的？

Which reminds me, I hate it when couples get so wrapped up in each other, that they stop hanging out with the friends that they've had for years.

這讓我想到，我不喜歡當情侶開始膩在一起的時候，他們開始停止跟他們多年的老朋友們一起出去。

If you stop talking to your friends, then who are you

如果你停止跟你的朋友聯絡，那當你的關係告終時

going to turn to if the relationship ends?

你該向誰傾訴呢？

But that's none of my business.

但這不關我的事

And that brings me on to my next point.

而且這帶到下一個我要講的點

Relationships cause so much, so so much

戀愛關係裡有超多、超級多

unneeded drama, uh, no thank you.

不必要的麻煩，嗯，不了謝謝

Another reason why relationships suck is because they're expensive, especially for guys.

另一個為什麼男女關係爛透了的原因，是因為它們很昂貴，尤其是對男生而言。

Why is it that guys have to pay for everything?

為什麼是男生要負擔一切的東西？

Come on, society, this is 2014.

拜託，社會，都已經 2014 年了

Where's the equality?

性別平等在哪裡？

Hitler's dead.

希特勒已經死了

I've seen guys drop so much money on gifts and dates,

我看過男生在買禮物跟約會上砸很多錢

and they're like, "Where'd all my money go?"

然後在喊：「我的錢都跑到哪裡去了？」

While single me is sitting at home like...

而單身的我在家就像這樣...

(hip hop music)

（嘻哈音樂）

Something that really annoys me is seeing people

有件特別讓我惱怒的事是，我常看到

in relationships that are constantly unhappy because of their significant other.

人們因為自己的另一半而常常悶悶不樂

That's stupid.

那真的很愚蠢

Obviously, couples fight, but I'm talking people

情侶會吵架是理所當然的，但我說的是那些

who are always upset with each other.

總是對彼此不高興的人

Why do you do that?

你們為什麼要這麼做？

You could be spending time doing stuff that you actually enjoy instead.

你們可以花時間做一些真正樂在其中的事情

Oh right, my bad.

好吧，是我不好

That makes too much sense.

這說的太合理了

You know, I've never understood how younger teens date.

你知道嗎，我一直都無法理解青少年要怎麼談戀愛

I think that at least one person in the relationship

我覺得至少在關係裡的其中的一人

needs to be able to drive.

需要有能力開車

I mean, how else are you supposed to go on dates?

我的意思是，不然你要如何出去約會？

Isn't that the whole point of dating?

那不就是整個約會的重點嗎？

You know, going on dates, right?

你知道，出去約會，對吧？

Like are these freshman guys going to go up to

好比這些大學新生要去

their girlfriend's house, and be like,

他們女朋友的家，然後說

"Ay, come jump on my bicycle!

「欸，來跳上我的腳踏車吧！」

"Let's go get some candy!" (laughs)

「我們去買個糖吃吧！」（笑）

Y'all are wack.

你們都是怪胎

I think that sometimes people feel pressured to be

我覺得有時候有些人是被迫進入一段關係的

in relationships because other people are doing it,

因為其他人都在這麼做

so they do it too to try to be cool.

所以他們也這麼做，才能看起來很酷

Like guys at my school who find out I don't have

就像是我學校的男生發現我

a girlfriend will try to convince me to get one.

沒有女朋友時，會說服我要交一個

"Come on, dude, get that ass!

「去吧，小伙子，把個妹吧！」

"Get that pussy!" (laughs)

「快把到她！」（笑）

Like no, I'm good.

不，我很好

Thanks, though.

不過謝了

Girls, stay away from those guys.

女孩們，妳們要離那種男生遠一點

There are so many that just want to get in your pants.

外面有太多男生只是想「上你」

It's ridiculous, don't get pregnant.

這實在太荒謬了，小心懷孕

Okay, since we're on the topic,

好，既然我們在討論這個主題

and I get this question a lot.

而我也常被問到這個問題

I don't even know why.

我根本不知道問這個幹嘛

But anyone who's wondering, I'm a virgin.

但是任何在猜想的人，對，我是個處男

"Wow, dude, you're such a loser."

「哇噢，你這傢伙真是個魯蛇」

Yeah, I don't really care.

對啦，我根本不怎麼在意

I'm sorry, I don't think about sex 24/7.

對不起，我不會成天想著性愛

It's more like 23 hours a day. (laughs)

更確切一點是一天想個二十三小時（笑）

Look, I'm obviously curious what it's like,

聽著，我當然很好奇那會是什麼樣的感覺

but that's not my first priority in life.

不過那不是我人生首要做的事

Same thing goes for relationships.

同樣的在戀愛關係裡也是

I just want to have fun in high school.

我只是想享受高中生活的樂趣

I don't want to have to worry about another person because I can barely handle myself.

我並不想還要為別人擔心，因為我根本自己都管不好自己了。

I honestly think people spend way too much time

坦白來說，我認為大家在學校

worrying about relationships while they're in school

花太多時間擔心他們的感情了

when instead, they could, oh I don't know,

事實上他們可以，噢我不知道

pay attention in class, yeah!

專心上課，對！

(bleep) me, right?

（消音）想罵我，對吧？

All right, that's just some of the reasons

好了，這些就是一些

why I think relationships suck.

我覺得戀愛關係爛透了的原因

Listen, I'm not trying to hate on anyone

聽著，我不是要討厭任何

who's in relationships.

在戀愛關係中的人

Obviously, I've seen teen couples have

當然，我看過許多情侶

great times with each other.

跟彼此有很好的相處

It just depends on who's involved and how mature they are.

這完全是取決於人還有他們的成熟度

Plus, it's way more fun to rant about how dumb relationships are.

而且可以誇誇其談戀愛有多麼愚蠢也比較好玩

It's kind of weird, because I feel like I'm missing out

有點奇怪，因為我覺得我好像因為單身

on a lot of things being single,

而錯過很多東西

but then I order some pizza, and we're all good.

但是當我叫了披薩後，一切又是美好的了

But who knows, maybe I'll have a girlfriend next month.

不過誰知道呢，也許我下一個月就交了一個女朋友

Probably not, because I have zero game.

可能不會，因為我沒有任何「把妹神招」

But you know, there's always a chance.

不過你懂得，總有機會的

But that's all that I have for you guys today.

不過今天這個影片就到這邊了

My voice is gone.

我快沒聲音了

I can't even, ah, blah, blah, blah.

我甚至不能@#$%（亂發音）

By the way, for like the three of you who are wondering,

對了，回答你們現在大概三個人在想的事情

this is a mole.

這是一顆痣

Yep, I'm human, I have those.

是的，我是人類，我有這些

None of you probably care, but I'm extremely

還有一點你們可能不在乎，但是我極度地

self-conscious, and I just wanted to get that off my chest.

沒自信，而且我真的很想把這個從我胸口移開

But I can't, because it's like literally on my chest.

但我做不到，因為他真的就長在我胸上

Ha ha, I'm so funny, I should make YouTube videos.

哈哈，我真好笑，我應該要拍 YouTube 影片的

If you enjoyed the video, please give me a thumbs up,

如果你喜歡這部影片，請給我一個讚、

comment, subscribe.

留個言、訂閱

You know what to do.

你知道該怎麼做

I appreciate it, thank you guys.

我很感激，謝謝你們

Also, don't forget to add me on your favorite social media.

同樣的，別忘記要在你喜歡的社群網站加我

I post daily Snapchats, if you're into that.

我每天會發 Snapchat，如果你喜歡的話

Thank you guys so much for watching.

謝謝你們的觀看

I'll see you guys soon.

我很快會再跟你們相見