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  • Too often affairs are seen as the outcome of random horniness or just plain old nastiness.

    外遇經常被視為是一時性慾高漲的結果,或純粹只是個噁心的行為

  • But that's very rarely the case.

    但情況往往並非如此

  • When it comes to affairs,

    發生外遇的時候,

  • we spent far too long being incensed or secretive,

    我們往往都處於憤怒或是不對外張揚,

  • and far too little time trying to understand.

    卻很少試著去了解背後的原因

  • In truth, affairs stem from a very fiddly aspect of our romantic psychology.

    事實上,外遇源於一種很複雜的戀愛心理學

  • In relationships with a partner,

    當與另一半交往時,

  • all of us need carefully calibrated mixtures of two different ingredients:

    我們必須小心地校準兩種不同物質的混合比例:

  • we have a need for closeness and a need for distance.

    我們有親密感的需求,也有自我空間的需求

  • We want to impart closeness

    我們想更加親密,

  • to feel we can hug, touch, be cozy, intimate, and entirely relaxing at home with someone.

    讓我們能夠擁抱,觸摸,感到舒適和親暱,並完全放鬆地與他待在家

  • We want them to know our thoughts and to wander freely in their minds too.

    我們想讓對方了解我們的想法,並且也無拘無束的漫步在對方心中

  • But we also need distance enough not to feel cloyingly submerged, subsumed, or owned by another.

    但我們也需要足夠的空間才不會感到過度厭煩,被對方納入,或是占為己有

  • We want to retain a sense of freedom.

    我們想保有一些自由的感覺

  • We need a private room to which we alone have the key.

    我們需要一個私有空間,而且只有自己有那把鑰匙

  • Any imbalances towards over closeness or over distance may prove catastrophic if left unaddressed.

    任何的不平衡不管是太親近或是太有距離感,如果不處理,都會引起重大的問題

  • In a relationship which threatens to lean perilously towards over-closeness,

    在一段危及過度親密的感情之中,

  • we can be driven to strain by powerful urge to prove to ourselves

    噵致精神緊繃的原因可能是因為我們急於想要向自己證明

  • that not everything we do and are is owned by the partner

    不是我們所做的所有事情和我們本身的存在,都是為了伴侶

  • that we remain desirable to the world and a going concern in and of ourselves.

    也證明自己我們對這個世界仍有吸引力,也是自己的主宰。

  • Going to bed with a new person might not simply be about lust,

    如此一來,與陌生人上床也許不僅僅只是情慾,

  • It's about escaping the alarming feeling

    而是逃離那種令人擔憂的感覺

  • once all identity appears to be on the verge of dissolving into the couple.

    那個所有的身份都溶解成情侶關係的崩潰邊緣

  • But too much distance can undermine fidelity no less powerfully.

    但過份疏離對忠誠度的破壞力可一點也不小

  • The distance reads like constant rejection.

    距離會被解釋成經常性的拒絕

  • When we try to touch the partner, they move away or sigh.

    當我們試著觸碰對方,但對方移開身體或是嘆氣

  • When we bring up something personal, they change the subject.

    當我們提起一些個人私密的事,他們就轉移話題

  • We may end up having an affair, not because we don't love the partner anymore,

    我們可能會轉而去尋求外遇。並不是因為我們不再愛著對方,

  • but precisely because we do,

    準確來說,而是因為我們愛著對方,

  • and yet the distance they appear to be imposing on us through that lack of engagement

    但他們這種欠缺投入的感覺所加諸在彼此之間的距離

  • feels unendurable and humiliating.

    是令人無法忍受而且可恥的

  • it's the final irony that if caught will be accused of not caring when it was caring too much

    這很諷刺:當外遇那方被抓到,就會被控訴不再在意對方了,但其實就是因為太在意了,

  • might have inspired the whole mistaken escapade.

    才可能觸發這一整個錯誤的出軌行為

  • Tragically, two people almost never enter a relationship with the same needs for distance or closeness.

    悲慘的是,兩個人進入一段感情時對於親密感與自我空間的需求幾乎是不會一樣的

  • That's why in every couple, we hear the accusation that one person is too clingy and another is too cold.

    這就是為什麼我們會聽到每對情侶都會指責其中一方太黏,而另一方又太冷淡

  • These are unhelpfully vicious words for what are at heart just two different ways of feeling comfortable in love.

    這些話語是毫無幫助的、惡毒,因為本質上這是兩種在愛情中不同的感覺

  • It's, therefore, an early imperative in any relationship

    所以,交往一開始就制訂好規則

  • to work out what the relatively needs for distance and closeness actually are

    理解雙方對於自我空間以及親密感的需求到底是什麼

  • to avoid disjuncture, not to get angry about it

    以避免分手和對此生氣

  • and mutually with good humor, to apologize for once distinctive contribution to it.

    並且都用幽默感互相為曾經的不同相處方式道歉

  • Only thus can we hope to ensure that the gap won't lead in an online chat, at a bar or at a conference

    只有這樣我們才有希望確保兩人之間的代溝不會導致某一方在上網聊天,酒吧,或是在會議時

  • to a situation where only an affair feels like a plausible solution to the vexing problems of distance or closeness

    落入一個看似外遇才是唯一解決距離和親暱問題的情況之中

Too often affairs are seen as the outcome of random horniness or just plain old nastiness.

外遇經常被視為是一時性慾高漲的結果,或純粹只是個噁心的行為

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千古難題:告訴你為什麼人們會外遇... (Why People Have Affairs)

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    Jerry   發佈於 2016 年 10 月 30 日
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