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  • I was one of the founding members

    我是邪惡軸心國喜劇巡演

  • of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour.

    的發起成員之一,

  • The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed,

    其他成員包括阿馬德(喜劇演員兼導演),

  • who is an Egyptian-American,

    他是埃及裔美國人,

  • who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out.

    就是他提出去中東巡演這個點子的,他也到那裡表演了。

  • Before we went out as a tour,

    在我們成為團體進行巡演之前,

  • he went out solo and did it first.

    他已經在那裡獨挑大樑了。

  • Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American.

    還有阿朗.卡達,他是巴勒斯坦裔美國人,

  • And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group.

    最後就是我,伊朗裔美國人。

  • Now, being Iranian-American

    身為一個伊朗裔美國人,

  • presents its own set of problems, as you know.

    我有別人沒有的問題。

  • Those two countries aren't getting along these days.

    你知道,這二個國家最近處得不太好,

  • So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know,

    所以我內心有很多衝突,

  • like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.

    就像是有一半的我喜歡自己,另一半卻討厭自己;

  • Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program,

    我自身一部分認為伊朗有核計畫,

  • the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one.

    另一部分又認為美國不可信。

  • These are dilemmas I have every day.

    我每天都處於這種天人交戰狀態。

  • But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen,

    我出生在伊朗,現在是美國公民,

  • which means I have the American passport,

    也就是我有美國護照,

  • which means I can travel.

    我可以自由地旅行。

  • Because if you only have the Iranian passport,

    因為如果你只有伊朗的護照,

  • you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to

    歡迎你到訪的國家

  • with open arms, you know --

    就不會太多--

  • Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.

    只有敘利亞、委內瑞拉和北韓。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So anyone who's gotten their passport in America

    任何持有美國護照的人,

  • will tell you, when you get your passport,

    都會告訴你,

  • it still says what country you were born in.

    護照上會註明你的出生地。

  • So I remember getting my American passport.

    我還記得當我拿到我的美國護照時,

  • I was like, "Woohoo! I'm going to travel."

    我心想:「哇!我可以去旅行了!」

  • And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man."

    但護照上面竟然寫著「伊朗出生」,我心想:「噢!拜託!」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "I'm trying to go places."

    「我想去很多地方耶...」

  • But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble

    有趣的是,在我使用我的美國護照

  • traveling in any other Western countries with my American passport,

    到西方國家遊玩的時候,從沒遇過麻煩,

  • even though it says, "Born in Iran." No problems.

    就算護照上寫著「伊朗出生」,也一樣沒問題。

  • Where I've had some problems is some of the Arab countries,

    但我去阿拉伯國家旅行時,卻遇到一些問題,

  • because I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either.

    我想可能是阿拉伯國家和伊朗也處得不好吧!

  • And so I was in Kuwait recently,

    最近我去了科威特,

  • doing a comedy show with some other American comedians.

    要和其他美國喜劇演員同台表演,

  • They all went through, and then the border patrol saw my American passport.

    當他們都通過海關後,海關官員看著我的美國護照說:

  • "Ah ha! American, great."

    「啊哈!美國人,很好!」

  • Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."

    然後他打開我的護照:「伊朗出生?等一下。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • And he started asking me questions.

    他開始問我一些問題,

  • He said, "What is your father's name?"

    他說:「你父親叫什麼名字?」

  • I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro."

    我說:「哦,他過世了,他叫胡思羅。」

  • He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?"

    他繼續問:「那你祖父叫什麼名字?」

  • I said, "He passed away a long time ago.

    我說:「他過世好久了,

  • His name was Jabbar."

    他叫賈巴。」

  • He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away.

    他說:「你等一下,我馬上回來。」然後他就走開了。

  • And I started freaking out,

    我開始胡思亂想,

  • because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.

    我不知道我祖父惹了什麼麻煩,

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Thought the guy was going to come back and be like,

    我以為那傢伙會回來告訴我:

  • "We've been looking for you for 200 years."

    「我們已經追查你二百年了,」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue.

    「你祖父違規停車,罰單已經過期很久了,

  • You owe us two billion dollars."

    你欠我們二十億元。」

  • But as you can see, when I talk,

    當我說話的時候,你們可以聽出

  • I speak with an American accent, which you would think

    我有美國口音,你以為我不過是

  • as an Iranian-American actor,

    一個伊朗裔的美國演員,

  • I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you.

    我應該可以扮演任何角色,好人、壞人都可以,

  • But a lot of times in Hollywood,

    但在好萊塢,

  • when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent,

    通常當選角導演發現你有中東血統後,

  • they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great.

    他們就會說:「噢,原來你是伊朗人啊,太好了!

  • Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'"

    你會不會說『我要以真主阿拉之名殺死你』?」

  • "I could say that, but what if I were to say,

    「可以啊,但我可不可以演一個醫生?

  • 'Hello. I'm your doctor?'"

    『哈囉,我是你的主治醫生』」

  • They go, "Great. And then you hijack the hospital."

    他們回答:「好,然後你劫持醫院。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Like I think you're missing the point here.

    我猜你們一定不知道我在堅持什麼,

  • Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys.

    別誤會,我並不介意扮演壞人,

  • I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank.

    我還很想演壞人哩...我想要搶銀行,

  • I want to rob a bank in a film. I want to rob a bank in a film,

    我想要在電影裡搶銀行,我想在電影裡扮演搶匪,

  • but do it with a gun, with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right.

    用槍指著大家搶銀行,而不是在身上纏著炸彈,對吧?

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character

    我認為導演一定會說:「莫茲,你的角色是一個

  • would rob the bank with a bomb around him."

    身上纏著炸彈的銀行搶匪。」

  • "Why would I do that?

    「為什麼我要這樣做?

  • If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"

    如果我想要的是錢,為什麼我要炸死自己?」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Right.

    對吧?

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

  • "Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up."

    「把錢全都交出來,不然我就炸死自己!」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "Well, then blow yourself up.

    「噢,那就請便吧,

  • Just do it outside, please."

    要炸請到外面去炸。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • But the fact is, there's good people everywhere.

    其實世界上每個地方都有好人,

  • That's what I try and show in my stand-up. There's good people everywhere.

    這是我表演的重要主題,每個地方都有好人,

  • All it takes in one person to mess it up.

    只是一粒老鼠屎壞了一鍋粥。

  • Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York,

    就像幾個月之前,在紐約時報廣場上,

  • there was this Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb.

    有個巴基斯坦回教徒試圖引爆一枚汽車炸彈,

  • Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night

    那天晚上,我正巧就在時報廣場

  • doing a comedy show.

    表演一個喜劇節目;

  • And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas

    而在那之前的幾個月,有一個德州奧斯汀的美國白人,

  • who flew his airplane into the IRS building,

    把飛機開到國稅局大樓裡,

  • and I happened to be in Austin that day

    那天也很巧,我也在奧斯汀

  • doing a stand-up comedy show.

    表演我的喜劇節目。

  • Now I'll tell you, as a Middle Eastern male,

    我得告訴你們,身為一個中東男性,

  • when you show up around a lot of these activities,

    當我出現在這些犯罪現場附近時,

  • you start feeling guilty at one point.

    我開始覺得有罪惡感了,

  • I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"

    我一邊看著新聞,一邊想:「我有參與這些犯罪嗎?」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"

    「我沒收到通知啊...到底發生什麼事了?」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy --

    有趣的是,那個巴基斯坦回教徒--

  • see he gives a bad name to Muslims

    他把所有回教徒的名聲都玷污了,

  • and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world.

    還把全世界的中東人和巴基斯坦人的名聲也弄壞了,

  • And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban

    但是,巴基斯坦的塔利班

  • took credit for that failed car bombing.

    竟搶著為這次失敗的汽車爆炸案居功。

  • My question is: why would you take credit

    我的問題是:一個失敗的汽車爆炸案,

  • for a failed car bombing?

    有什麼功好搶的?

  • "We just wanted to say

    「我們只想說,

  • we tried."

    我們試過了。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "And furthermore,

    「畢竟,

  • it is the thought that counts."

    有心最重要。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

  • "And in conclusion, win some, lose some."

    「最後你總會得到一些,又失去一些。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building,

    其實,當那個白人開著飛機飛進那個大樓時,

  • I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States

    我知道所有我在美國的中東朋友和回教徒朋友們,

  • were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern.

    都在一邊看著電視,一邊祈禱:「拜託,不要是中東人,

  • Don't be Hassan. Don't be Hussein."

    不要是海珊,不要是胡笙。」

  • And the name came out Jack. I'm like, "Woooo!

    當新聞宣布那人的名字是傑克時,我大叫:「哇!

  • That's not one of us."

    不是我們!」

  • But I kept watching the news in case they came back,

    但我還是一直盯著新聞,我怕他們會突然發現:

  • they were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam."

    「在他犯下這起案件之前,他改信了回教。」

  • "Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"

    「該死!為什麼是傑克?為什麼?」

  • But the fact is, I've been lucky

    事實上,我一直都很幸運,

  • to get a chance to perform all over the world,

    我有機會到全世界各地去表演,

  • and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East.

    我也有中東表演過很多次,

  • I just did a seven-country solo tour.

    我剛剛才結束七個國家的個人巡迴演出。

  • I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia.

    我去了阿曼、沙烏地阿拉伯,

  • I was in Dubai.

    還有杜拜。

  • And it's great, there's good people everywhere.

    整個巡迴演出都很棒,每個地方都有好人,

  • And you learn great things about these places.

    你會在這些國家學到一些很棒的事,

  • I encourage people always to go visit these places.

    所以我鼓勵大家多去這些國家旅行。

  • For example, Dubai -- cool place.

    舉例來說,杜拜就是一個很酷的地方,

  • They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know.

    他們很喜歡最大、最高、最長的東西,

  • They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall.

    杜拜有一個商城,叫做杜拜商城,

  • It is so big, they have taxis in the mall.

    那個商城很大,裡面竟然還有計程車在跑,

  • I was walking. I heard "Beep, beep."

    我一邊逛街,一邊還聽到「叭,叭」

  • I'm like, "What are you doing here?"

    我說:「計程車怎麼跑進來了?」

  • He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away.

    他回答:「我要去撒拉商店,那裡離這裡還有三哩遠,

  • Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."

    讓路,讓路,讓路。」

  • And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai,

    最瘋狂的是,全世界都在經濟不景氣,即使杜拜也一樣,

  • but you wouldn't know by the prices.

    但你從杜拜的物價卻看不出不景氣,

  • Like in the Dubai Mall,

    像是在杜拜商城,

  • they sell frozen yogurt by the gram.

    他們的冰淇淋優格是以公克來計價,

  • It's like a drug deal.

    就像販賣毒品一樣。

  • I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst. Habibi, my friend."

    我走過那家店的時候,有一個傢伙說:「嘿,老兄,

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "You want some frozen yogurt?

    「要不要來點冰淇淋優格?

  • Come here. Come here. Come here.

    來,來,來,

  • I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"

    我有一公克、五公克、十公克,你要多少公克?」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?"

    我買了五公克,十塊美金,十塊美金耶!我說:「裡面有什麼?」

  • He's like, "Good stuff, man. Columbian. Top of the line. Top of the line."

    他說:「好東西啦,老兄。哥倫比亞來的哦,高檔貨,高檔貨啦!」

  • The other thing you learn sometimes

    還有一件有趣的事,

  • when you travel to these countries in the Middle East,

    就是你到中東國家、拉丁美洲國家、

  • sometimes in Latin American countries, South American countries --

    南美洲國家旅行時會發現,

  • a lot of times when they build stuff,

    他們在建造設施時,

  • there's no rules and regulations.

    經常是沒有規則也沒有法規規範的,

  • For example, I took my two year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall.

    舉例來說,我帶我二歲的兒子到杜拜商城裡的遊樂場玩,

  • And I've taken my two year-old son to playgrounds all over the United States.

    我那二歲的兒子已經玩遍了全美國各地的遊樂場了,

  • And when you put your two year-old on a slide in the United States,

    而在美國,當你把二歲小孩放在滑溜梯上時,

  • they put something on the slide

    你會看到滑溜梯上有些止滑裝置,

  • to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide.

    可以降低小孩滑下來的速度。

  • Not in the Middle East.

    中東可不一樣,

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I put my two year-old on the slide; he went frrmrmm! He took off.

    我把小孩放上滑溜梯後,他就飛出去了!

  • I went down. I go, "Where's my son?"

    我跑下來,我說:「我兒子哩?」

  • "On the third floor, sir. On the third floor."

    「在三樓哦,先生,在三樓。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."

    「搭計程車,去撒拉商店,左轉。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • "Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."

    「嚐嚐這個優格,很棒哦,有一點貴。」

  • But one of the things I try to do with my stand-up is to break stereotypes.

    在我的表演裡,我希望能打破一些刻板印象,

  • And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well.

    當然我對自己存有某些刻板印象感到羞愧。

  • I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai.

    我在杜拜的時候,看到有許多印度人在杜拜工作,

  • And they don't get paid that well.

    但他們薪資並不高,

  • And I got it in my head that all the Indians there must be workers.

    所以我以為所有在杜拜的印度人都是勞工,

  • And I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai as well.

    我忘記了在杜拜一定也有很成功的印度人。

  • I was doing a show,

    那時我在杜拜表演,

  • and they said, "We're going to send a driver to pick you up."

    那邊的人說:「我們會請司機去載你。」

  • So I went down to the lobby, and I saw this Indian guy.

    所以我走到大廳,看到一個印度人在那裡,

  • I go, "He's got to be my driver."

    我就想:「他一定是我的司機。」

  • Because he was standing there in like a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me.

    因為他穿著一身廉價的西裝,留著一撮小鬍子,還盯著我看,

  • So I went over, "Excuse me, sir, are you my driver?"

    所以我走過去說:「抱歉,先生,你是我的司機嗎?」

  • He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."

    他回我說:「我不是,先生!這間飯店是我開的!」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I go, "I'm sorry. Then why were you staring at me?"

    我說:「很抱歉,但你幹嘛盯著我看?」

  • He goes, "I thought you were my driver."

    他回答:「我以為你才是我的司機哩!」

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I'll leave you guys with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes,

    我想說的是:我試著在我的表演中,打破各種刻板印象,

  • present Middle Easterners in a positive light -- Muslims in a positive light --

    以正面的方式呈現中東人,以正面的方式呈現回教徒,

  • and I hope that in the coming years,

    我希望在未來的幾年內,

  • more film and television programs come out of Hollywood

    好萊塢所拍的電影和電視節目,

  • presenting us in a positive light.

    能以正面形象來呈現我們。

  • Who knows, maybe one day we'll even have our own James Bond, right.

    誰知道,或許某天我們會有自己的詹姆士.龐德,對吧?

  • "My name is Bond, Jamal Bond."

    「我是龐德,賈莫爾.龐德。」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. I hope you keep laughing.

    在那之前,我會一直講笑話來逗你們笑,

  • Have a good day. Thank you.

    祝各位有美好的一天,謝謝!

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

I was one of the founding members

我是邪惡軸心國喜劇巡演

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A2 初級 中文 TED 杜拜 笑聲 護照 表演 伊朗

【TED】莫茲.喬布藍尼:有誰認識伊朗裔的美國人嗎? (Did you hear the one about the Iranian-American? | Maz Jobrani)

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    Max Lin 發佈於 2016 年 02 月 09 日
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