And why do happy people cheat?

為何快樂的人會外遇？

And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean?

談到「不貞」時，我們真正指的是什麼？

Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room,

是一次邂逅，一場戀愛，性交易，聊天室聊天，

a massage with happy endings?

又或者是按摩店的終極服務？

Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy,

為何我們覺得男人出軌的原因是無聊和恐懼親密，

but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy?

而女人卻是寂寞難耐和急需親密？

And is an affair always the end of a relationship?

出軌必須是一段關係的終結者嗎？

For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe

過去十年，我在各處旅行

and worked extensively with hundreds of couples

與各地數百對的夫妻一同合作。

who have been shattered by infidelity.

婚姻的不貞使他們的生活破碎。

There is one simple act of transgression

出軌是一個簡單的犯罪行為，

that can rob a couple from their relationship,

它會破壞兩人的關係，

their happiness, and their very identity: an affair.

幸福和自我認同。

And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood.

然而，我們對這個普遍的行為卻所知甚少

So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.

所以這次演講是給所有愛過的人。

Adultery has existed since marriage was invented,

出軌的歷史和婚姻的歷史一樣長，

and so, too, the taboo against it.

苛責通姦的戒律也是。

In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy,

事實上，婚外情的韌性連婚姻都望塵莫及，

so much so, that this is the only commandment

比如說，它甚至列為聖經的十誡之一

that is repeated twice in the Bible:

在聖經中被重複提及兩次：

once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it.

一次是別做，一次是連想也不准想。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden,

所以我們要如何面對這個普遍被禁止

yet universally practiced?

但人人都在做的行為呢？

Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat

從古自今，男人們幾乎都有出軌許可證

with little consequence,

出軌不用付多大的代價

and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories

許多生物學和進化論

that justified their need to roam,

合理化外遇行為

so the double standard is as old as adultery itself.

雙重標準如同通姦一樣存在已久

But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right?

但床單下真的發生什麼，有人知道嗎？

Because when it comes to sex,

當我們談到性愛，

the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate,

男性就應該要表現的自信或誇大

but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny,

而女性隱藏，把自己顯得渺小和拒絕

which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries

因此當你得知世界還有九個國家

where women can be killed for straying.

女人會遭到殺害或流放時，並不會太過驚訝

Now, monogamy used to be one person for life.

一夫一妻制以前指一生一次

Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

現在，是一次一人

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

(Applause)

(鼓掌)

I mean, many of you probably have said,

你們應該說過，

"I am monogamous in all my relationships."

「我在所有關係裡都是一對一」

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

We used to marry,

過去，我們結婚

and had sex for the first time.

並在婚後發生第一次性行為

But now we marry,

現在，我們結婚

and we stop having sex with others.

然後停止和其他人發生性行為

The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love.

原因是一夫一妻制跟愛情無關

Men relied on women's fidelity

男人依靠女人的忠貞

in order to know whose children these are,

來確保孩子是他的，

and who gets the cows when I die.

確認死後誰會繼承家產。

Now, everyone wants to know

現在，大家都想知道，

what percentage of people cheat.

外遇的比例有多少。

I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.

來到這個會議時，許多人都這樣問我

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

It applies to you.

包括你。

But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:

但婚外情的定義一直在擴大，

sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.

諸如性愛簡訊，看色情影片，偷偷使用聯誼網站等。

So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition

我們還沒有一個大家都同意的定義

of what even constitutes an infidelity,

來說明構成不貞的要素

estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent.

估計26%到75%的人

But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.

除此之外，我們常常自我矛盾。

So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong

所以95%的人會說

for our partner to lie about having an affair,

另一半因外遇說謊是很糟糕的行為

but just about the same amount of us will say

但一樣多的人表示

that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.

當我們外遇時也會這樣做。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Now, I like this definition of an affair --

我喜歡這樣定義外遇，

it brings together the three key elements:

它是三個關鍵要素構成的

a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair;

外遇的主要架構是一段秘密的關係

an emotional connection to one degree or another;

和他人某種程度上的情緒連結

and a sexual alchemy.

最後是性愛的化學作用

And alchemy is the key word here,

化學作用是這裡的關鍵字

because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving,

一個充滿性慾和顫慄的吻

can be as powerful and as enchanting

可以很有力量，且令人著迷，

as hours of actual lovemaking.

如同實際做愛幾小時

As Marcel Proust said,

普魯斯特說過，

it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

要對愛情負責的不是另一半，是想像力

So it's never been easier to cheat,

所以沒有什麼比外遇更簡單

and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

沒什麼比保住一個秘密更難

And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.

沒什麼比不真更讓人人財兩失

When marriage was an economic enterprise,

當我們把婚姻比喻作企業

infidelity threatened our economic security.

不貞動搖整個經濟架構

But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement,

當婚姻由浪漫所構成時

infidelity threatens our emotional security.

不貞讓我們情緒不穩

Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --

諷刺地，過去人們認為“通姦”

that was the space where we sought pure love.

是在窄縫中尋求真愛

But now that we seek love in marriage,

現在我們在婚姻中尋覓愛情

adultery destroys it.

卻說通姦毀了婚姻

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.

不貞在現今，用三種方式傷害人們

We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person

我們有個完美主義或浪漫情節，對另一個人

to fulfill an endless list of needs:

盡可能滿足對方所需

to be my greatest lover, my best friend,

對愛人，摯友，

the best parent, my trusted confidant,

父母，好友

my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.

心靈伴侶，人生目標相同的人

And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,

我就是我，是被選中且獨特的

I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,

我是不可或缺也無法被替代的

I'm the one.

我是獨一無二的

And infidelity tells me I'm not.

但外遇告訴我一切並非如此

It is the ultimate betrayal.

這是最終的背叛

Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.

不貞粉碎我們對愛情懷有的偉大夢想

But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful,

但回顧歷史，過去不貞使人痛心欲絕

today it is often traumatic,

今日早成的傷害只是外部的。

because it threatens our sense of self.

因為他威脅我們自身，

So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.

我的客戶費南多，他完全崩潰了。

He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.

他說：我以為了解自己的人生

I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.

我以為了解曾經的你，我們的婚姻和我

Now, I question everything."

現在，我對一切都有疑問

Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity.

不貞，使信任崩解，也瓦解人對自我的認知

"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.

我可以再信任你嗎？他問

"Can I ever trust anyone again?"

我能再相信任何人嗎？

And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me,

我的另一位客戶，希瑟說到

when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.

當她在跟我講述她和尼克之間的故事時

Married, two kids.

他們結婚，育有兩個小孩

Nick just left on a business trip,

尼克剛離家出差

and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys,

希瑟和孩子們在玩他的平板，

when she sees a message appear on the screen:

她看見一條訊息出現在螢幕上：

"Can't wait to see you."

我等不及要見你了。

Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other.

心裡感到莫名，我們不是才剛分開嗎？她想

And then another message:

接著另一封訊息寫道：

"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."

等不及將你緊緊地抱在懷裡。

And Heather realizes

希瑟頓時知道

these are not for her.

這些訊息不是給她的

She also tells me that her father had affairs,

她告訴我，她的父親也有外遇

but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket,

她的母親在他的口袋中發現一張小收據

and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.

領口上沾染一點口紅。

Heather, she goes digging,

希瑟開始抽絲剝繭

and she finds hundreds of messages,

她發現他們之間互傳幾百封的簡訊

and photos exchanged and desires expressed.

互相交換照片，對彼此訴說情慾

The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair

尼克外遇兩年的證據和細節擺在眼前

unfold in front of her in real time,

在現實中赤裸地呈現出來

And it made me think:

不禁使我想到

Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.

在數位時代，外遇就像凌遲

But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days.

但我們現今卻存在另一個矛盾

Because of this romantic ideal,

浪漫的理想，

we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.

我們依賴伴侶之間對彼此忠誠

But we also have never been more inclined to stray,

但也時常偏離正道

and not because we have new desires today,

並非現今的慾望比以前更多

but because we live in an era

而是生在這個世代

where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires,

我們被灌輸要追求自己所渴望的一切

because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.

在這個文化薰陶下，我理應過得快樂

And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy,

如果過去我們因為不開心而離婚

today we divorce because we could be happier.

今日我們離婚為追求更快樂的生活

And if divorce carried all the shame,

過去，離婚是可恥的

today, choosing to stay when you can leave

現在，當你可以離婚是卻選擇留下

is the new shame.

同樣也被認為可恥。

So Heather, she can't talk to her friends

所以希瑟無法向她的好友訴說這一切

because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick,

她怕朋友會認為她仍愛著尼克

and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice:

無論求助何方，得到的都是一樣的建議

Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.

離開尼克，把這爛男人丟在一旁。

And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation.

現在情況顛倒過來，尼克也會面臨同樣的事

Staying is the new shame.

選擇留下也會視為可恥

So if we can divorce,

如果我們可以選擇離婚

why do we still have affairs?

為何外遇仍存在?

Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats,

一個典型的假設是，如果有人外遇

either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.

不論問題在於你或你們的關係

But millions of people can't all be pathological.

大部份的人是正常的

The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home,

邏輯是這樣的，家裡有你需要的一切

then there is no need to go looking elsewhere,

那就沒有必要去別處找

assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage

假設有一個完美的婚姻

that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

它讓我們的心繫著家裡

But what if passion has a finite shelf life?

但是假設激情有保存期限?

What if there are things that even a good relationship

假設一段再好的關係

can never provide?

也有它欠缺的東西？

If even happy people cheat,

如果就連開心的人都會外遇

what is it about?

又是為什麼呢？

The vast majority of people that I actually work with

大多數和我一同工作的人

are not at all chronic philanderers.

都不是習慣於調戲他人的人

They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs,

他們絕大部分推崇一夫一妻制

and at least for their partner.

至少對他們的另一半是這樣。

But they find themselves in a conflict

但是它們發現身處矛盾之中

between their values and their behavior.

因為價值觀和行為南轅北轍

They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades,

十幾年來，他們常常對另一半忠誠

but one day they cross a line

有天，他們越過那條線

that they never thought they would cross,

他們從未想過自己會越界

and at the risk of losing everything.

且冒著會失去一切的風險

But for a glimmer of what?

但是為的是什麼呢？

Affairs are an act of betrayal,

外遇是背叛的行為

and they are also an expression of longing and loss.

也是表達渴望和失去的方式

At the heart of an affair, you will often find

你會發現婚外情的核心

a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection,

是對憧憬和嚮往的一種情緒表達

for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity,

尋求新奇、自由、自主和性刺激

a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves

希望重現自己失去的那一塊

or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

或企圖在失落和悲慘的生活中找回活力

I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya,

這使我想到另一位客戶，普里亞

who is blissfully married,

她有個幸福美滿的婚姻

loves her husband,

且深愛她的丈夫

and would never want to hurt the man.

永遠都不曾想過傷害這個男人

But she also tells me

但她同時告訴我

that she's always done what was expected of her:

她總是按著大家對她的期許生活

good girl, good wife, good mother,

當個好女孩、好妻子，好媽媽

taking care of her immigrant parents.

照顧她移民的雙親

Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard

桑迪颶風過境後，普里亞愛上從她院子

after Hurricane Sandy.

移走樹木的樹藝家

And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.

他駕駛著卡車，帶有紋身，和她恰恰相反

But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had.

但47歲，普里亞的婚外情就這樣稍縱即逝

And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another,

她的故事提醒我，我們常尋求他人的注意

it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from,

那人不是我們常避開頭的另一伴

but the person that we have ourselves become.

而是我們心中希望成為的那個人

And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person,

我們注視著另一個人

as much as we are looking for another self.

就像在她身上找另一個自己的影子

Now, all over the world,

現在，世界各地

there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.

有婚外情的人都會這樣跟我說

They feel alive.

他們覺得重生了

And they often will tell me stories of recent losses --

他們也常常告訴我最近生活上失落的事

of a parent who died,

父親或母親去世了

and a friend that went too soon,

朋友太快離開人間

and bad news at the doctor.

或從醫生口中捎來，不幸的消息

Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair,

死亡和失敗多寄宿在婚外情的影子裡

because they raise these questions.

它們讓人產生這些疑問

Is this it? Is there more?

就這樣？沒有更多了嗎？

Am I going on for another 25 years like this?

未來的25年也是這樣過嗎？

Will I ever feel that thing again?

我會再次有那樣的感受嗎？

And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions

這使我想到，假使這些問題

are the ones that propel people to cross the line,

驅使人們去跨越界線

and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness,

有些人外遇是試圖要擺脫無精打采的生活

in an antidote to death.

把它當作死亡的解毒劑

And contrary to what you may think,

相反地，你可能會想

affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire:

婚外情比起性愛，更關乎渴望

desire for attention, desire to feel special,

想要獲得注意，想到感到獨一無二

desire to feel important.

想要感到自己是重要的

And the very structure of an affair,

婚外情的結構本身

the fact that you can never have your lover,

事實是我們會對另一半

keeps you wanting.

感到厭煩

That in itself is a desire machine,

婚外情是個製造渴望的機器

because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,

不完全性和模糊的距離

keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

讓人想得到自己不該擁有的

Now some of you probably think

現在一些人大概想說

that affairs don't happen in open relationships,

婚外情在開放式的關係中不會存在

but they do.

但是他還是會發生

First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same

第一，關於一夫一妻制的對話是不同的

as the conversation about infidelity.

更遑論婚外情

But the fact is that it seems that even when we have

但事實是，就算我們有了

the freedom to have other sexual partners,

可以有其他性伴侶的自由

we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden,

我們仍會著迷於觸犯禁忌的感覺

that if we do that which we are not supposed to do,

當我們做了不該做的事

then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.

我們會覺得，在做我們真正想做的事

And I've also told quite a few of my patients

我跟很多病人說

that if they could bring into their relationships

如果在一段關係中

one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve

他們可以帶入十分之一的勇氣、想像力和活力