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  • Why do we cheat?

    為什麼我們會出軌?

  • And why do happy people cheat?

    為何快樂的人會外遇?

  • And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean?

    談到「不貞」時,我們真正指的是什麼?

  • Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room,

    是一次邂逅,一場戀愛,性交易,聊天室聊天,

  • a massage with happy endings?

    又或者是按摩店的終極服務?

  • Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy,

    為何我們覺得男人出軌的原因是無聊和恐懼親密,

  • but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy?

    而女人卻是寂寞難耐和急需親密?

  • And is an affair always the end of a relationship?

    出軌必須是一段關係的終結者嗎?

  • For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe

    過去十年,我在各處旅行

  • and worked extensively with hundreds of couples

    與各地數百對的夫妻一同合作。

  • who have been shattered by infidelity.

    婚姻的不貞使他們的生活破碎。

  • There is one simple act of transgression

    出軌是一個簡單的犯罪行為,

  • that can rob a couple from their relationship,

    它會破壞兩人的關係,

  • their happiness, and their very identity: an affair.

    幸福和自我認同。

  • And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood.

    然而,我們對這個普遍的行為卻所知甚少

  • So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.

    所以這次演講是給所有愛過的人。

  • Adultery has existed since marriage was invented,

    出軌的歷史和婚姻的歷史一樣長,

  • and so, too, the taboo against it.

    苛責通姦的戒律也是。

  • In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy,

    事實上,婚外情的韌性連婚姻都望塵莫及,

  • so much so, that this is the only commandment

    比如說,它甚至列為聖經的十誡之一

  • that is repeated twice in the Bible:

    在聖經中被重複提及兩次:

  • once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it.

    一次是別做,一次是連想也不准想。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden,

    所以我們要如何面對這個普遍被禁止

  • yet universally practiced?

    但人人都在做的行為呢?

  • Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat

    從古自今,男人們幾乎都有出軌許可證

  • with little consequence,

    出軌不用付多大的代價

  • and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories

    許多生物學和進化論

  • that justified their need to roam,

    合理化外遇行為

  • so the double standard is as old as adultery itself.

    雙重標準如同通姦一樣存在已久

  • But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right?

    但床單下真的發生什麼,有人知道嗎?

  • Because when it comes to sex,

    當我們談到性愛,

  • the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate,

    男性就應該要表現的自信或誇大

  • but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny,

    而女性隱藏,把自己顯得渺小和拒絕

  • which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries

    因此當你得知世界還有九個國家

  • where women can be killed for straying.

    女人會遭到殺害或流放時,並不會太過驚訝

  • Now, monogamy used to be one person for life.

    一夫一妻制以前指一生一次

  • Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

    現在,是一次一人

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • (Applause)

    (鼓掌)

  • I mean, many of you probably have said,

    你們應該說過,

  • "I am monogamous in all my relationships."

    「我在所有關係裡都是一對一」

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • We used to marry,

    過去,我們結婚

  • and had sex for the first time.

    並在婚後發生第一次性行為

  • But now we marry,

    現在,我們結婚

  • and we stop having sex with others.

    然後停止和其他人發生性行為

  • The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love.

    原因是一夫一妻制跟愛情無關

  • Men relied on women's fidelity

    男人依靠女人的忠貞

  • in order to know whose children these are,

    來確保孩子是他的,

  • and who gets the cows when I die.

    確認死後誰會繼承家產。

  • Now, everyone wants to know

    現在,大家都想知道,

  • what percentage of people cheat.

    外遇的比例有多少。

  • I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.

    來到這個會議時,許多人都這樣問我

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • It applies to you.

    包括你。

  • But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:

    但婚外情的定義一直在擴大,

  • sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.

    諸如性愛簡訊,看色情影片,偷偷使用聯誼網站等。

  • So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition

    我們還沒有一個大家都同意的定義

  • of what even constitutes an infidelity,

    來說明構成不貞的要素

  • estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent.

    估計26%到75%的人

  • But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.

    除此之外,我們常常自我矛盾。

  • So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong

    所以95%的人會說

  • for our partner to lie about having an affair,

    另一半因外遇說謊是很糟糕的行為

  • but just about the same amount of us will say

    但一樣多的人表示

  • that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.

    當我們外遇時也會這樣做。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • Now, I like this definition of an affair --

    我喜歡這樣定義外遇,

  • it brings together the three key elements:

    它是三個關鍵要素構成的

  • a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair;

    外遇的主要架構是一段秘密的關係

  • an emotional connection to one degree or another;

    和他人某種程度上的情緒連結

  • and a sexual alchemy.

    最後是性愛的化學作用

  • And alchemy is the key word here,

    化學作用是這裡的關鍵字

  • because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving,

    一個充滿性慾和顫慄的吻

  • can be as powerful and as enchanting

    可以很有力量,且令人著迷,

  • as hours of actual lovemaking.

    如同實際做愛幾小時

  • As Marcel Proust said,

    普魯斯特說過,

  • it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

    要對愛情負責的不是另一半,是想像力

  • So it's never been easier to cheat,

    所以沒有什麼比外遇更簡單

  • and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

    沒什麼比保住一個秘密更難

  • And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.

    沒什麼比不真更讓人人財兩失

  • When marriage was an economic enterprise,

    當我們把婚姻比喻作企業

  • infidelity threatened our economic security.

    不貞動搖整個經濟架構

  • But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement,

    當婚姻由浪漫所構成時

  • infidelity threatens our emotional security.

    不貞讓我們情緒不穩

  • Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --

    諷刺地,過去人們認為“通姦”

  • that was the space where we sought pure love.

    是在窄縫中尋求真愛

  • But now that we seek love in marriage,

    現在我們在婚姻中尋覓愛情

  • adultery destroys it.

    卻說通姦毀了婚姻

  • Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.

    不貞在現今,用三種方式傷害人們

  • We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person

    我們有個完美主義或浪漫情節,對另一個人

  • to fulfill an endless list of needs:

    盡可能滿足對方所需

  • to be my greatest lover, my best friend,

    對愛人,摯友,

  • the best parent, my trusted confidant,

    父母,好友

  • my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.

    心靈伴侶,人生目標相同的人

  • And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,

    我就是我,是被選中且獨特的

  • I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,

    我是不可或缺也無法被替代的

  • I'm the one.

    我是獨一無二的

  • And infidelity tells me I'm not.

    但外遇告訴我一切並非如此

  • It is the ultimate betrayal.

    這是最終的背叛

  • Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.

    不貞粉碎我們對愛情懷有的偉大夢想

  • But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful,

    但回顧歷史,過去不貞使人痛心欲絕

  • today it is often traumatic,

    今日早成的傷害只是外部的。

  • because it threatens our sense of self.

    因為他威脅我們自身,

  • So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.

    我的客戶費南多,他完全崩潰了。

  • He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.

    他說:我以為了解自己的人生

  • I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.

    我以為了解曾經的你,我們的婚姻和我

  • Now, I question everything."

    現在,我對一切都有疑問

  • Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity.

    不貞,使信任崩解,也瓦解人對自我的認知

  • "Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.

    我可以再信任你嗎?他問

  • "Can I ever trust anyone again?"

    我能再相信任何人嗎?

  • And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me,

    我的另一位客戶,希瑟說到

  • when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.

    當她在跟我講述她和尼克之間的故事時

  • Married, two kids.

    他們結婚,育有兩個小孩

  • Nick just left on a business trip,

    尼克剛離家出差

  • and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys,

    希瑟和孩子們在玩他的平板,

  • when she sees a message appear on the screen:

    她看見一條訊息出現在螢幕上:

  • "Can't wait to see you."

    我等不及要見你了。

  • Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other.

    心裡感到莫名,我們不是才剛分開嗎?她想

  • And then another message:

    接著另一封訊息寫道:

  • "Can't wait to hold you in my arms."

    等不及將你緊緊地抱在懷裡。

  • And Heather realizes

    希瑟頓時知道

  • these are not for her.

    這些訊息不是給她的

  • She also tells me that her father had affairs,

    她告訴我,她的父親也有外遇

  • but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket,

    她的母親在他的口袋中發現一張小收據

  • and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.

    領口上沾染一點口紅。

  • Heather, she goes digging,

    希瑟開始抽絲剝繭

  • and she finds hundreds of messages,

    她發現他們之間互傳幾百封的簡訊

  • and photos exchanged and desires expressed.

    互相交換照片,對彼此訴說情慾

  • The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair

    尼克外遇兩年的證據和細節擺在眼前

  • unfold in front of her in real time,

    在現實中赤裸地呈現出來

  • And it made me think:

    不禁使我想到

  • Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.

    在數位時代,外遇就像凌遲

  • But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days.

    但我們現今卻存在另一個矛盾

  • Because of this romantic ideal,

    浪漫的理想,

  • we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.

    我們依賴伴侶之間對彼此忠誠

  • But we also have never been more inclined to stray,

    但也時常偏離正道

  • and not because we have new desires today,

    並非現今的慾望比以前更多

  • but because we live in an era

    而是生在這個世代

  • where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires,

    我們被灌輸要追求自己所渴望的一切

  • because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.

    在這個文化薰陶下,我理應過得快樂

  • And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy,

    如果過去我們因為不開心而離婚

  • today we divorce because we could be happier.

    今日我們離婚為追求更快樂的生活

  • And if divorce carried all the shame,

    過去,離婚是可恥的

  • today, choosing to stay when you can leave

    現在,當你可以離婚是卻選擇留下

  • is the new shame.

    同樣也被認為可恥。

  • So Heather, she can't talk to her friends

    所以希瑟無法向她的好友訴說這一切

  • because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick,

    她怕朋友會認為她仍愛著尼克

  • and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice:

    無論求助何方,得到的都是一樣的建議

  • Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.

    離開尼克,把這爛男人丟在一旁。

  • And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation.

    現在情況顛倒過來,尼克也會面臨同樣的事

  • Staying is the new shame.

    選擇留下也會視為可恥

  • So if we can divorce,

    如果我們可以選擇離婚

  • why do we still have affairs?

    為何外遇仍存在?

  • Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats,

    一個典型的假設是,如果有人外遇

  • either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.

    不論問題在於你或你們的關係

  • But millions of people can't all be pathological.

    大部份的人是正常的

  • The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home,

    邏輯是這樣的,家裡有你需要的一切

  • then there is no need to go looking elsewhere,

    那就沒有必要去別處找

  • assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage

    假設有一個完美的婚姻

  • that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

    它讓我們的心繫著家裡

  • But what if passion has a finite shelf life?

    但是假設激情有保存期限?

  • What if there are things that even a good relationship

    假設一段再好的關係

  • can never provide?

    也有它欠缺的東西?

  • If even happy people cheat,

    如果就連開心的人都會外遇

  • what is it about?

    又是為什麼呢?

  • The vast majority of people that I actually work with

    大多數和我一同工作的人

  • are not at all chronic philanderers.

    都不是習慣於調戲他人的人

  • They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs,

    他們絕大部分推崇一夫一妻制

  • and at least for their partner.

    至少對他們的另一半是這樣。

  • But they find themselves in a conflict

    但是它們發現身處矛盾之中

  • between their values and their behavior.

    因為價值觀和行為南轅北轍

  • They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades,

    十幾年來,他們常常對另一半忠誠

  • but one day they cross a line

    有天,他們越過那條線

  • that they never thought they would cross,

    他們從未想過自己會越界

  • and at the risk of losing everything.

    且冒著會失去一切的風險

  • But for a glimmer of what?

    但是為的是什麼呢?

  • Affairs are an act of betrayal,

    外遇是背叛的行為

  • and they are also an expression of longing and loss.

    也是表達渴望和失去的方式

  • At the heart of an affair, you will often find

    你會發現婚外情的核心

  • a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection,

    是對憧憬和嚮往的一種情緒表達

  • for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity,

    尋求新奇、自由、自主和性刺激

  • a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves

    希望重現自己失去的那一塊

  • or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

    或企圖在失落和悲慘的生活中找回活力

  • I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya,

    這使我想到另一位客戶,普里亞

  • who is blissfully married,

    她有個幸福美滿的婚姻

  • loves her husband,

    且深愛她的丈夫

  • and would never want to hurt the man.

    永遠都不曾想過傷害這個男人

  • But she also tells me

    但她同時告訴我

  • that she's always done what was expected of her:

    她總是按著大家對她的期許生活

  • good girl, good wife, good mother,

    當個好女孩、好妻子,好媽媽

  • taking care of her immigrant parents.

    照顧她移民的雙親

  • Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard

    桑迪颶風過境後,普里亞愛上從她院子

  • after Hurricane Sandy.

    移走樹木的樹藝家

  • And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.

    他駕駛著卡車,帶有紋身,和她恰恰相反

  • But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had.

    但47歲,普里亞的婚外情就這樣稍縱即逝

  • And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another,

    她的故事提醒我,我們常尋求他人的注意

  • it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from,

    那人不是我們常避開頭的另一伴

  • but the person that we have ourselves become.

    而是我們心中希望成為的那個人

  • And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person,

    我們注視著另一個人

  • as much as we are looking for another self.

    就像在她身上找另一個自己的影子

  • Now, all over the world,

    現在,世界各地

  • there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.

    有婚外情的人都會這樣跟我說

  • They feel alive.

    他們覺得重生了

  • And they often will tell me stories of recent losses --

    他們也常常告訴我最近生活上失落的事

  • of a parent who died,

    父親或母親去世了

  • and a friend that went too soon,

    朋友太快離開人間

  • and bad news at the doctor.

    或從醫生口中捎來,不幸的消息

  • Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair,

    死亡和失敗多寄宿在婚外情的影子裡

  • because they raise these questions.

    它們讓人產生這些疑問

  • Is this it? Is there more?

    就這樣?沒有更多了嗎?

  • Am I going on for another 25 years like this?

    未來的25年也是這樣過嗎?

  • Will I ever feel that thing again?

    我會再次有那樣的感受嗎?

  • And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions

    這使我想到,假使這些問題

  • are the ones that propel people to cross the line,

    驅使人們去跨越界線

  • and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness,

    有些人外遇是試圖要擺脫無精打采的生活

  • in an antidote to death.

    把它當作死亡的解毒劑

  • And contrary to what you may think,

    相反地,你可能會想

  • affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire:

    婚外情比起性愛,更關乎渴望

  • desire for attention, desire to feel special,

    想要獲得注意,想到感到獨一無二

  • desire to feel important.

    想要感到自己是重要的

  • And the very structure of an affair,

    婚外情的結構本身

  • the fact that you can never have your lover,

    事實是我們會對另一半

  • keeps you wanting.

    感到厭煩

  • That in itself is a desire machine,

    婚外情是個製造渴望的機器

  • because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,

    不完全性和模糊的距離

  • keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

    讓人想得到自己不該擁有的

  • Now some of you probably think

    現在一些人大概想說

  • that affairs don't happen in open relationships,

    婚外情在開放式的關係中不會存在

  • but they do.

    但是他還是會發生

  • First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same

    第一,關於一夫一妻制的對話是不同的

  • as the conversation about infidelity.

    更遑論婚外情

  • But the fact is that it seems that even when we have

    但事實是,就算我們有了

  • the freedom to have other sexual partners,

    可以有其他性伴侶的自由

  • we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden,

    我們仍會著迷於觸犯禁忌的感覺

  • that if we do that which we are not supposed to do,

    當我們做了不該做的事

  • then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.

    我們會覺得,在做我們真正想做的事

  • And I've also told quite a few of my patients

    我跟很多病人說

  • that if they could bring into their relationships

    如果在一段關係中

  • one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve

    他們可以帶入十分之一的勇氣、想像力和活力

  • that they put into their affairs,

    把外遇時的十分之一放到婚姻

  • they probably would never need to see me.

    就可能永遠不會來上們求診了

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So how do we heal from an affair?

    所以我們要如何從婚外情中康復?

  • Desire runs deep.

    慾望已根深蒂固

  • Betrayal runs deep.

    背叛也是

  • But it can be healed.

    但這是可以治癒的

  • And some affairs are death knells

    有時婚外情就像死亡的鐘聲

  • for relationships that were already dying on the vine.

    折磨那些接近凋零的關係

  • But others will jolt us into new possibilities.

    但那鐘聲也會敲醒一些人探索新的可能

  • The fact is, the majority of couples

    事實是,大部分歷經過